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2020: The Year of ‘Right’
It’s been nearly ten years since my last post... and I’ve decided not to just make another Tumblr account to abandon, but to come back to this one. Why not. I can see the irony of what I’m about to say given the title of this blog, but I really want to move forward into the roaring 20s without giving too much thought to why I do the things I do. I’ve tried that. It’s become more of a problem causer then a problem solver. And I think what is more important to focus on is in fact not asking why I do the things I do - and that really used to be about every little thing - but paying a quick & happy tribute to the things that inspire me to move in the direction of all things positive.
This is a new decade - yes, time is a weird thing and it’s never too late, of course - but it’s a good prompt for change, and any prompt for a positive change is good enough. And what’s more, a decade is more monumental than a new year, and thus a bigger prompt... and there’s something about it being ‘the twenties’ (probably reading The Great Gatsby in college and then the hype when Baz Luhrmann decided to... Baz Luhrmann it...) yes, there is something about this decade that sounds grand and fantastical. As if wonderous transformations will take place. And it is my very objective to just not stress out trying to hypothesise inconsequential answers to inconsequential questions and *just*... follow the buzz.
That’s all I have to do: just follow the buzz.
From now on, if I’m feeling any rush of happiness or inspiration or love, any positive feeling at all, I want to go with that.
I don’t want to have to ignore my natural feeling of what is right in order to make sure I have eliminated everything inside my head at that moment about what feels wrong in order to enjoy everything that is right.. because by that point, life will have carried on without me. It does that. I’ve been experiencing this for quite some time now.
I am referring to the issues I have as a poor bastard living with OCD. It’s very frustrating. It’s loaded with guilt - feeling as tortured as I do in a first world country, with no psychical health conditions dragging me down, having as many wonderful things as I do to feel grateful for and still focusing my attention on this monster in my mind.
I feel it’s worth mentioning that I’m also diagnosed with depression, which I had symptoms of years before the OCD showed up, but in a way I feel like it doesn’t get as much hate from me as the OCD. I’d say this is because depression is so passive, you almost get comfortable with it. You let yourself believe parts of it are parts of your personality, and you forget that what you like and dislike can actually be heavily ruled by that heavy coat of hopelessness.
For too long I’ve been getting caught up in ignoring my ‘gut feelings’ when my body has been crying to me to just stop the over-thinking. Cliches are real, dude - listen to the people telling you to listen to your gut! I can’t believe I have been harming myself for so long by doing this. I wouldn’t say it was intentional self-harm, but the result has been all the same... with the shame and self-loathing included, trust me.
And that’s not how I want to feel about myself. I don’t want that going around in my little air supply, with me breathing it in, all this hate and fear and restless obsession... an exhausting need for ‘completion’ and answers to my questions... and my questions sometimes would just multiply.
No. I’m not doing that anymore.
I know it’s easier said than done, but my god am I going to try and do it.
It’s *insanity* that we aren’t incorporating it into the core of how we live that we look after our mental health. To ignore our mental health is to ignore our very existence. Our experience of life IS our mental health - it’s how we filter our present, play back our past and project our future. And as I sit here at this time of year, thinking about the future, I want to be kind to myself. I want to take this prompt for change and make my future the way I really want it to be. I want a happy one, a healthy one, a conscious one.
Hollie xxx
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Ariana Grande.
My boyfriend fancies this bitch. So, naturally, I hate her. :)
It really is depressing how lovely she looks. She has pretty eyes, a cute face and her hair is fucking epic.
My heart is hurting.
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god. i think i'll always love you.
feeling like insomnia is coming back along with my computer light on my face and my music on. i feel so alive.
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Caught By The Fuzz: when musicians get nicked
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