dapperwolf

[dapperwolf]

The Last Thing I Ever Wrote

Let me be clear: I have since tried to write things of substance but fall short. I don’t know if it’s my brain disease or the myriad of medications for it that have burnt me out, but the last successful piece of fiction writing (a short story, of all things), was written for a college class while I was experimenting with going back to school for the arts. One class was Creative Writing, and I was both thrilled and worried. After all, my creative spark had begun to wane more than was acceptable. I had no trouble with the classwork of writing exercises, but the final loomed. Short stories are not my forte, and I think I have a hard time bringing to life a good story without a lot of extra pages of dialog and exposition.

           It was Thanksgiving Eve, and my project was due the following Sunday. I was set to be the workhorse of the kitchen that day, my first real foray into making a turkey, as well as plenty of sides. I stayed up all night worrying myself and trying to console that worry with a lot of rum and eggnog. I have the dreadfully inarticulate notes for my project from that night, but after not sleeping and doing so much extra work in the kitchen, my appetite was gone. Thanksgiving is a treasured holiday for me, so when gathering around the table with our mess of food and being unable to eat a bite, it was heartbreaking. Disappointing. I won’t forget that night, thinking I’d never want to be an author on that kind of deadline again.

           I followed my notes and my ideas, and thus came forth “Jian Dreams of Heaven,” which I haven’t yet had published though my professor at the time wanted to hook me up with a children’s book illustrator. It was a success amongst my classmates, as they felt joy at the end but were hooked by the feelings of loss and agony. I still hold the work in high esteem, wondering if I should make a Kindle publication of it just to see how it goes. But for now, I have dozens of other, larger projects that have been demanding my attention. And I’m not sure if my brain is fit.

           Writing, as well as reading, was a compulsion that I couldn’t ignore. “The Midnight Disease,” as it’s been called. I had to be writing something, and not even some part of a major project. Sometimes, it was an essay, sometimes it was world-building lore and the background stories that I wrote only for me. That drive has diminished by multitudes, and in a life where I’ve defined myself by writing, how do I carry on? I’m not talking about a small case of depression here, throwing a writer’s block wrench into my life. I have suffered severe mental damage since my mid-twenties. Yes, I have a diagnosis but that’s my business. It has wormed its way into almost all aspects of my life that I used to enjoy. This isn’t about being disappointed. This is about being infuriated. I know from past-brain-self that I am so much more capable.           

How do I cope? How do I get back on track? Is there any going back at all?

[dapperwolf]

"One Living Thing" by Tallon Roe, and this one is a relic I have kept from 12th grade high school (1999-2000). It is framed and on my living room wall. This is a whole school year's worth of doodling in class. It took me so long because my teachers would see me doodling on this and get mad and tell me to put it away. I noticed that my son has the same tendency to doodle during his lessons. It's not that I wasn't interested or not paying attention. It was actually stress relief while I listened to the lectures.

Some of this was Prismacolor markers, some in Crayola markers. I can't remember the pigment markers I used on the vines.

[dapperwolf]

“Listen to the Messenger. His word has always been the truth, for He has seen all, across all worlds, and He knows the center of us. The gods on the Imperial pedestals have been afraid of such truth, but will deny their fear even as they buried Him under the deepest sea, then telling his people—the people who remember the brighter sky—‘see how your god is gone and does not keep his promises?’ You carry now the burden of His words in a world hushed to sickened silence. But see how not only the sky glows anew with hope? You can see it now in all of their eyes, for you have become their friend and their freedom. They will help carry you—carry us. Now, we move forward bravely, every one of us, to a world that again understands the purity of truth and liberation. This thing you have done… I have seldom known such beauty in courage.”

            -The spirit named Hazathi in Vigil (my novel)

Art done by me on Paint Shop Pro, 2008

[dapperwolf]

A few colored pencil pieces I did about 11 years ago, illustrating various interesting things found within Seryn's southernmost mountain cave system, known as Aten Raclaw. These were all done on notecards of various sizes with humble Crayola pencils, and I had intended to complete many more. Maybe I'll pick up the project again in the future. Aten Raclaw, in Seryn lore, is filled with beauty and mystery, and has long been home to ancient ruins that have been converted into a monastery for those studying the movements of the Celestial Deity Janak and his domain of spirit energies. It houses Seryn's oldest and most remarkable library, as well as ancient fixtures yet to be fully understood. There are still plenty of caves and ruins that have not been explored and mapped, sometimes due to dangerous conditions.

I was originally inspired to draw these as I was watching my favorite movie, Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959). I've loved it since my toddler years, though back then I didn't understand the story so much as I just liked seeing the caves.

The world of Seryn is my fantasy setting for many of my novel projects, and I've been developing and detailing it since I was about 14. I'll be posting more about it here as time goes on.

[dapperwolf]

I recently drew this Kitsune to eventually burn onto a wooden coaster for my spouse, who adores foxes. While the woodburning isn't anywhere in sight yet, I thought I would post the sketch. I'm not fantastic at front-facing canids, and especially after years of artistic dormancy, I don't think it's *so* terrible. I do, however, need to keep up with practice to recover some of my old art mojo.

[dapperwolf]

I've been combing through old stuff and I remember when my fellow writer and online buddy sent this to me while I was really down about my work. I still find it wise enough to repost here. I don't know where he got this.

[dapperwolf]

I assembled and edited this collage about 15 years ago over the course of a night on Paint Shop Pro. I needed a new desktop wallpaper, and since I was buckling down hard on writing Vigil, I wanted something inspiring for the project. The combination of images and tones here really reflect the antique-ish, alchemy aesthetic of the story setting. I'm proud of how this turned out, even these days, so I still use it as a desktop wallpaper.

As a note, these images are from the public domain except for the black compass and the black sun symbol, which are mine and come from my Seryn universe.

[dapperwolf]

Here we are again. This is my new Tumblr home. Some time ago (as in years), I ran my Freak-Lynx website and web comic through Yahoo Small Business. All of my online accounts were attached to my custom business e-mail. I foolishly thought it could stay that way, but technology has had a way of pissing with me so over the past four or five years, that e-mail has locked me out. Can't update my site. Can't access my old accounts. Tech support was useless when I could actually reach someone. So I had no way to get back into my old Tumblr to edit. You can still see it at tallonroe.tumblr.com. But I'm steadily going to move what I can over here. It may take a while, but I'll get there. Crawling out of over a decade of mental rock-bottom, I'm hoping to revive and even provide more writing and art.

Let's get this done.