dave-hates-your-abuser

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i really am useless at everything. i need everything explained to me in extreme detail, over and over, if there’s a hope of me understanding it. but even if you explain it 50 times, i still might not get it. i’m just that fucking stupid. i don’t know anything, and i can’t learn. other people get told something once or twice and figure it out, but my brain lags like crazy. it takes me years to grasp things other people can learn in a month. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i fucking loathe myself for it.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

hey dave strider nation have any of us actually gotten over the bro trauma or nah?

w

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

why did a fucking terf like my post

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

being an oversharing chronically online druggie is funny cause you’ll look back at your own posts for a few months ago and not have a recollection of like 80% of them

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

pretending to be a normal person around normal people

haha, i sound like i’m trying to be quirky, but this is just a serious post about being mentally ill

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

maybe i won’t get better but maybe i can get Okay. maybe i can get Functional one day. that wouldn’t be too bad at all.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

the hero complex is the thing that never goes away

all i want to do is help people

i swear, i don’t even want them to like me for it, at least not much. i just want to know that i matter. that my life has some kind of meaning.

and i hate this fuckin planet so much. everything is awful here. somehow, i believe that maybe i can help someone, then i act shocked when it doesn’t work out.

of course i can’t save people. i’m just a broke depressed mentally ill bitch, i’m useless. i can’t even comfort my friends anymore. i feel awful, and i can’t think of myself as a good person anymore. just someone who tries and fails.

i hope to some day be a kind stranger who helps people out without getting close. i think that’s the only thing that would make me feel good about myself.

-dave strider

z

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

too traumatized to work, to traumatized to love, too traumatized to make friends, too traumatized to enjoy anything, too traumatized to exist

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i can’t fucking stand being around optimistic people

i know that’s fucked up

we’re not the same. i’m not trying to romanticize my sadness, but it’s so fucking painful trying to pretend we’re on the same page. i do it anyways, i act polite, and it fucking exhausts me.

we’re not the same, you’re better than me.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

no one understands substance abuse at all

if you take my drinks/drugs and don’t change anything else, i won’t get better, i’ll find something else to get high off of or finally fucking end it

the drugs are not the problem, they’re the only solution i can get my hands on

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

god there’s one detail of my trauma i always desperately need to get off my chest, but i worry it’s so specific that it might reveal my identity

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

(tw child abuse, substance abuse) damn, really nothing but the drugs and alcohol work for my ptsd, huh. i always end up resorting to them. the fuck am i supposed to do, anyways? take deep breaths until i forget i got hit as a child? mindfulness my way out of remembering all the screaming? nah, that’s never done shit for me, no matter how hard I tried. i have be too high to think about it.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

i’m going to break the heart of one one so pure, and i’m so sorry. i promise to try and take vengeance of myself

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

s3lf harn

almost ironically, i cut “coward” in my arm so lightly that I can barely fucking feel it. almost comical, how predictable that is. almost funny.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

[dave-hates-your-abuser]

tw self h@rn

it’s been a long time since i tried carving a word on myself. i think i deserve it for this. hurting someone who treated you like the salt of the earth is worth it.