davethepantless

[davethepantless]

Memories of my Father

It’s been a while since I wrote something just for the sake of writing something. I’ve always been more motivated to write when I was struggling with something. After both of my parents passed away recently, I found I’ve been struggling a lot more. So as a way of dealing with my feelings over the loss of my parents, I decided to write down some of the memories that are stuck in my head. Since the 1 year anniversary of my father passing away is tomorrow, I thought I’d start with him.

When I was but a wee lad, I was involved in Scouts, and my father volunteered as our troop leader. I learned so much about hiking, camping and life in general during this time, and had a lot of fun while doing it. There are so many stories I could tell about my adventures as a scout, but there is one that has been often in my thoughts over the last year.

One summer weekend when I was in my teens, my father took our Scout troop out for a backpacking trip to Ribbon Creek Falls. The length of the hike was a little farther than we’d done before, and after a hour or more of walking with a full pack, we were absolutely exhausted. When my father called for a break, a scout named Jeff Langdon threw down his pack and yelled that he was tired of walking and wasn’t going to take another step.

Although I never really got along with Jeff, I felt exactly as he did in that moment. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that exhausted in my life, and I just wanted to lie down in my bed at home until my feet stopped hurting. The campground at the falls seemed so far away, and I honestly felt like I’d never be able to make it there.

I watched as my father knelt down beside Jeff and started talking to him. He calmly told Jeff that if he was determined to stay here, then he’d eventually die here, and animals would most likely eat his corpse. As Jeff’s eyes widened, my father told him that we were all exhausted, but if we were to survive we’d need to make it to the camp before nightfall. When Jeff complained that the distance was way too far for him to walk, my father told him not to worry about how far off the destination was, and just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. If you focus on that, my father said, then you’d be there before you knew it.

Jeff thought on that as we all rested for 10 minutes or so, and eventually my father told us it was time to go. We all put our packs on and continued walking. Following my father’ s advice I focused on just taking that next step, and to my amazement we eventually did reach the falls.

That lesson stayed with me over the years and helped me through some very difficult times. After my parents passed away, there were some days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, or go into work. I honestly wondered what the point of it all was.

It’s on those days that my father’s words came back to me like he was whispering them in my ear. Stop worrying about how far off the destination was and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

So that’s what I did.

[davethepantless]

It’s like walking through a classic Star Trek Episode! #WritingOnStoneProvincialPark

[davethepantless]

Paddling towards dawn!

[davethepantless]

A walk in the park

[davethepantless]

Biking along the canal

[davethepantless]

Mid Spring Nights Dream

[davethepantless]

The Dark

To what do we fear in the dark,

If darkness be the absence of light?

Is the nothingness that which unnerves us,

Or something else that causes the fright?

Our imagination knows no boundaries,

When shadows be cast on a wall.

The sound of echoing footsteps,

Would surely put a fright in us all.

But what really scares us the most,

And keeps us awake in our bed.

Are the nightmares that are created

In the darkest corners of our head.

[davethepantless]

Blood Wolf Lunar Eclipse

[davethepantless]

The Coffee Shop - Part 5

"I swear if I do this any longer I'm gonna go fucking crazy!"

The thought echoed through John's brain as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Since he had no plans for this Saturday, he tried to convince himself that he had no real reason to get out of bed. Some days it was just easier to ignore the world, than it was to take part.

John thought back to his conversation with Ann the waitress the previous night. It had gone nothing like what he expected. John had expected to either face a towering storm of righteous anger or a series of meaningless platitudes on how "nice" people are supposed act. Instead he found in Ann a most intriguing mind. Although he disagreed with several of her arguments, John had to reluctantly admit that they were well thought out and carefully reasoned. In a world driven by simple "paint by numbers" thinking, it was refreshing to meet someone who could hold up their end of a conversation.

Feeling a more intrigued by her than he'd been by anyone for a long while, John decided slowly got out of bed and went in search of some clothes. While putting on his shoes, John attempted to come up with some sort of reasonable explanation as to why he should go down to the coffee shop by his work rather than just hit the one in his apartment building.

Lost in thought for several moments, John finally gave up trying to resist. Although he had no valid reason, at least not one that he was willing to admit to himself at this point, John decided that he was going anyway. Ann might not even be working today, but John knew he needed to get out of the apartment regardless. Being alone with his thoughts for too long had never been a good thing.

As he locked the door to his apartment, John noticed the fellow who lived across from him coming down the hall. Although they'd lived directly across the hall from each other for over 3 years now, John always struggled to remember the man's name. It seemed like everyone in the building did their best to ignore the fact that there were other people living there. Eye contact was to be avoided at all costs, but if by some fluke chance you did make eye contact with one of your neighbours, then a polite nod would be the only acknowledgment given.

Walking down to the bus stop, John thought about yesterday's revelation that Ann was psychology student. "What sort of person signs up for something like that?", he idly wondered, "Who would volunteer to dive into another person's dark twisted mess of a psyche?"

He deftly avoided thinking about the real question which was why had Ann been studying him in the first place. That question raised too many other questions.

A quick fifteen minute bus ride later and John was a few blocks from the coffee shop. It surprised him how many times he tried to talk himself out of going to the shop in the 3 minutes it took him to walk there. We wondered briefly if anyone else struggled with something as simple as this.

The disappointment John felt when he walked through the door of the coffee shop and saw another waitress behind the counter surprised him. "Why the hell do I even care?", he thought to himself, "It's not like I even really know her."

Well since he was here, John figured he might as well grab something. Going back to the deafening silence of his apartment held no appeal to him. In a paradox that puzzled him to this day, John found that while he was uncomfortable being around people, he also hated to be alone. Thus he often ended up sitting at his own table in crowded coffee shops and pubs, giving him the illusion of company, without the demands on his attention that other person would require.

Ordering his coffee from yet another overly cheerful waitress, John sat down at a table in the corner and wondered what to do with the rest of his day. He always felt like he should be doing something, yet nothing really appealed to him. Gazing out the window John watched the traffic drive by and idly wondered where everyone was rushing off to. It seemed like a lot of people spent their days off in the same manner in which they spent their time at work, hurriedly scurrying off to complete some obscure task.

"This is a surprise. I've never seen you here on a weekend."

Startled from his thoughts, John looked up and saw Ann staring down at him with the beginnings of a smile on her face. Her sudden appearance left him struggling to find words. John had been so lost in his thoughts, that he hadn't even seen her come through the door.

"I guess I just got tired of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling.", John replied, "I didn't know you worked here on the weekends".

"I don't." Ann answered, "I just forgot to grab my purse when I left yesterday".

John felt a twinge of disappointment, but refused to acknowledge it. "Well I'm sure like these other fine people you have a million things you'd like to do today.", John said keeping his eyes down on his coffee, "Don't let me keep you from it".

Ann stared at him for a minute before responding. "Why do you do that?" she asked sitting down across from him, "Why do you attempt isolate yourself from every other person around you"

John pondered the question for a moment before replying, "I guess for the same reason everyone else does it. Fear and stupidity."

"How so?", Ann asked, her question echoing in her eyes.

"Don't you have anything better to do than listen to me prattle on?" John said, not really feeling comfortable with the turn the conversation had taken. Although he had come to the shop in hopes of talking with her, John was starting to feel some concern about having a psychology major poking around his brain.

"I've got a few minutes left." Ann replied. She gave him a rather peculiar smile before adding "You're not getting off that easy!".

John paused to collect his thoughts for a moment before beginning. "Most people in this world cannot even deal with their own emotions, let alone the emotions of the people around them.", John started to explain, "As a result they try to put up walls isolate themselves from feelings in general, as a way of protecting themselves from future emotional trauma."

"There you go with that 'most' word.", Ann replied, "I think you are oversimplifying things once again."

"Take love for example.", John continued in spite of Ann's objections, "Love should be the greatest of all emotions, as it's one of the few things in the world that can inspire someone to put the needs of another person ahead of their own."

"Ok", Ann nodded, "I can agree with that."

"But people today have no real understanding of love, and you cannot truly value what you do not know.", John argued, "The typical person when faced with the opportunity for a real relationship with the possibility of love will turn away."

"Not that I agree with you", Ann replied, "because I don't, but please tell me why you think that is.".

John leaned forward, as he tried to make his point. "To truly love someone means you must drop the walls we all use to protect ourselves and open yourself up completely to this other person.", he said keeping his eyes locked on hers, "It's a dichotomy of strength and vulnerability that is at least partially based on chance. No matter how slowly or carefully you go, there is still a risk of either person getting hurt. Falling in love is like jumping off a cliff. You only find out what's at the bottom after you've leaped off the edge."

"Go on", Ann replied intently.

"The problem is that people are inherently cowards. Most would rather endure a grey comfortable existence rather than take the chance on something that could bring a splash of color into their lives. ", John argued, "As such your typical person would rather stay in a situation that they are unhappy with, than take a chance on something that could potentially make their lives complete, but could also possibly leave them dealing with a broken heart. "

A hint of a smile appeared on Ann's face as she remarked, "I see that Dr. Phil has some competition."

"To make matters worse, many people have already come to this exact same conclusion, which makes the whole situation that much more fucking hopeless. Assuming you manage to overcome your own fear and doubts and you actually work up the courage to take that jump off lovers leap, you could still end up heartbroken just because the other person didn't want to risk you doing it to them first. ", John said, his voice underscoring the intensity of his beliefs, "It's a vicious cycle of risk and little reward, in which the few people who are actually brave enough to take the risk have by the nature of their reward already removed themselves from the game."

Ann stared at John for several moments. When she replied, her words took him by surprise.

"Some girl really did a number on you, didn't she?"

The question was unexpected. "What possible bearing does that have on anything?" John fired back while attempting to regain his internal equilibrium, "Why would you even say that?"

"Relax John, I'm not going to ask you about it.", Ann replied with a measure of sympathy showing in her eyes, "By the way you're talking, I'm guessing you're not ready for the Band-Aids to be pulled off just yet."

"Gee … thanks", John said sarcastically.

"You keep talking about most people.", Ann started to explain, "Most people do this. Most people believe in that. But you haven't realized that most people don't matter. What matters is what you think, and what you do."

John rolled his eyes as he responded "That's because what I think and want I do has virtually no impact on the word around me".

"Perhaps, but what you think and what you do does have a significant impact on your world", Ann argued, "You can't choose how people will treat you, but you can choose how you will react to it"

"So you're saying the next time my heart gets ripped out of my chest, I can choose to be happy about it?", John asked with a look of disbelief on his face, "That I should just ignore the pain I'm feeling and wear a painted smile on my face?"

"You're twisting what I've said.", Ann said shaking her head, "We should never ignore our true feelings. At the same time, you have the choice of how to deal with every traumatic event in your life. You can either work through the emotions you are experiencing, no matter how painful they are, until you feel like you're ready to move on. Or you can obsess over it, and allow it to dictate your mood and your actions for years to come." Ann's gaze held John intently as she continued, "Only you can make that choice in your life. In the end, things only have the power that you give them."

"This time I think it's you who's guilty of greatly oversimplify things with this Hallmark card philosophy of yours.", John responded, "Real life isn't quite so neat and tidy. If human beings were solitary creatures then perhaps we wouldn't be so dependent on each other for our emotionally stability, but the fact of the matter is that all of us to a greater or lesser extent do depend on the people around us for comfort and acceptance. Given this and the natural tendency of your typical person not to risk themselves in a real relationship, it's seems most of us are doomed to a perpetual cycle of risking ourselves and then being burned for it."

"And once again you miss the obvious solution to being trapped in this perpetual cycle of yours." Ann replied sounding a little exasperated. She grabbed her purse and quickly stood up as she said "Look I've got to go, but perhaps we can continue this conversation some other day."

"Wait a minute.", John protested as Ann turned to leave, "You can't just up and leave after a statement like that. At the very least, tell me what this 'obvious' solution of yours is".

Ann walked over to his side of the table. As she leaned down to whisper in his ear, John attempted to suppress a shiver as her hair lightly cascaded over his shoulder.

"The solution is this:", Ann said in a voice John had to strain to hear, "Don't become involved with typical people."

John barely had a chance to register these words before Ann turned and walked out of the coffee shop, leaving him alone with his thoughts once more.

[davethepantless]

Fork in the Road

He sits at his desk,

With a frown on his face.

He fears he's lost something,

He cannot replace.

Where once there was passion,

There exists now a void.

In his head there are questions,

He'd rather avoid.

The road branched before him,

To the left and the right.

One path offered "surrender",

The other one "fight".

He considered his options,

With no time to prep.

Then lifted a foot,

And took the first step.

[davethepantless]

The Fool

“Who claims that no man is an island.

While I land up in jeopardy,

More distant from you by degrees”

The sounds of the Robert Plant woke Graham from his slumbers. Peering through his less than cooperative eyelids, his brain dimly registered that he only had 20 minutes left to grab a shower and make it to his first class.

Stumbling into the shower and turning the knob, the ice cold water banished the last vestiges of sleep. One of the most annoying things about the building he lived in was that if you got up later than the other tenants, you got stuck with cold water. Drying himself off and hurriedly getting dressed, Graham then dashed out the door.

As he ran across campus, Graham promised himself he'd finally learn from this, and actually get up earlier the next day. Of course he'd promised himself that every day for the last year, with less than notable success.

When Graham arrived at the door to his class, he could hear that Dr Lancaster had already begun his lecture. Taking a second to catch his breath, Graham, opened the door as quietly as he could, and walked softly towards the back of the class where his best friend Todd was waiting, wearing his usual smug grin.

"Hit the snooze button again, eh Graham?", Todd asked with obvious amusement in his voice.

"Yeah well if consciousness was meant to be a natural state for university students, then God wouldn't have created keg parties.", Graham quipped back, "So did I miss anything?"

"Why yes", Todd replied, "Dr Lancaster was introducing us to this absolutely fascinating algorithm for integrating over a Gaussian surface this morning. I could barely contain my excitement!"

"I'll bet", Graham chuckled, "Remind me to switch your Playboy subscription to Math Nerd Weekly magazine."

Faking a shocked and indignant look, Todd shook his head and turned his attention back to the front, where Dr. Lancaster was continuing his bold journey into the land of closed surface integrals. Graham quickly got his notebook out, and tried his best to make sense of the strange symbols and equations on the board. It was like trying to interpret the markings on an ancient Mayan scroll, but without all the excitement and glamour of your typical Indiana Jones movie.

"Forcing students to do math before noon is cruel and unusual punishment" Graham muttered under his breath, "Someone should alert the humane society".

"The humane society is for cruelty to animals, dumb ass" Todd replied back, "You want Amnesty International".

"What I really want is a large cup of coffee", Graham sighed, "and maybe an IQ transplant"

The rest of the class was a blur of numbers, symbols and equations. By the end if it, Graham was wondering if he should have just stayed in bed. When Dr. Lancaster finally wrapped up the lecture, Graham and Todd quickly grabbed their books and walked out into the hallway.

"When Einstein came up with his theory of relativity, he must have been inspired by an early morning math class." Todd commented, "I thought it'd never end".

"Are you guys whining about Dr. Lancaster's class again?"

Todd and Graham turned around to spot Susan coming up behind them. Her bright smile brought an answering grin to Todd's face, while Graham quickly nodded hello and then shifted his gaze towards studying a spot on the ground.

"Suzy dear, we all can't be as bright as you." Todd replied with a smirk. "So would you like to join us for a coffee?"

"I'll have to take a rain check guys" Susan answered, "I have geology class next, and it's all the way across the campus. I just wanted to tell Graham here that I really enjoyed his poem from our English class last week. Most of the guys in class followed the traditional "Man from Nantucket" poetic style, but Graham here came up with something really personal. His poem was about an unrequited love from his high school days".

Somewhat startled by the comment, Graham briefly met Susan's eyes and mumbled a quick "thanks" before returning to his intense study of the ground. He desperately hoped that his face wasn't as red as it felt.

Covering for his friend, Todd draped his arm around Graham's shoulder while saying "Yeah that's my buddy Graham alright. A modern day Robert Burns.".

Susan gave Graham a slightly puzzled glance before saying "Ok, well I'll catch up with you guys later" and then headed off to her next class. Graham and Todd continued their trek towards the local coffee shop in complete silence.

Todd finally broke the silence with a question. "Are you ever going to tell her who the poem is really about?"

Graham thought for a bit before answering "Maybe someday".

Todd shook his head and said "You're a fool. You're my best friend, and I love you like a brother, but you're a damn fool for not telling her."

"Maybe" Graham replied with a sigh, "But today I'll be a fool with some coffee. Let's hurry up before we're late for our next class."

[davethepantless]

Crimson and Black Leaves

[davethepantless]

The Coffee Shop - Part 4

John had been staring at the door for at least 10 minutes. "Why the hell am I even here?" he thought for the hundredth time, "Why the fuck do I give a damn what some stupid waitress thinks of me? I need to stop being such an idiot and just go home!".

But for all his attempts at convincing himself, John's feet never moved. Although he didn't know why the waitress had been so persistent in demanding an explanation for his outburst, he did know that he owed it to her. You could run away from your actions all you wanted, but eventually the consequences would catch up with you. Better that happen at a time of his own choosing, than be blindsided by it later.

John had barely finished that thought when he noticed he was already at the door. With a last deep breath for courage he entered the coffee shop, his eyes already scanning for the waitress.

However the waitress behind the till that night was not the one John was looking for. For an instant his spirits soared, as he thought that perhaps she wouldn't show. John glanced around the shop, seeing a few people sitting at tables, but not the person he was looking for. Maybe he'd get off easy for once in his life.

"I was wondering how long you were going to stand out there and stare at the door."

John turned at the voice, and saw the waitress sitting at his usual table in the corner. His eyes had passed over her without recognition due to the fact that she'd changed out of her uniform. "She almost looks like a different person" John thought with some amazement, "I wonder if this is the real her, or just another mask."

The waitresses' voice once again interrupted John's thoughts, "So now are you going to stare at me all day? This is going to be a rather one sided conversation if I'm the only one talking."

"Sarcasm and wit" John replied with a wry voice, "I thought corporate policy frowned on such things".

"I'm off the clock, and there's no official policy on being nice to assholes", the waitress fired back. Although there was a hint of humor in her voice, her eyes were still cold and hard as they watched him. It was obvious that she still wanted to collect her pound of flesh from him. John idly wondered if he could spare it.

He sat down across the table from her and said "Listen this would be a lot easier if I actually knew your name".

The waitress shook her head as she told him "You haven't earned that right yet. If you can convince me you're not a complete asshole by the end of the evening, then maybe I'll change my mind".

"That's the second time you've implied I'm an asshole since I've walked in the door." John noted.

"Do you disagree?" the waitress asked him back.

"Not really", John replied after a few moments, "Just making idle conversation".

"Well since you like talking so much, why don't you begin telling me why you blew up at me a week ago", the waitress said with a hint of exasperation in her voice.

John paused as he tried to collect his thoughts. How do you explain a feeling, or an emotion he wondered? What words can you give them that would give the other person even the slightest glimpse into your state of mind? How could you be sure the other person would even understand how you felt, when emotions could be so complex, while words were so simple?

Maybe he could answer her question with a few of his own. "How do you think the poor man feels watching the rich man drive by in his Rolls Royce? How do you think the lonely man fells watching a happy couple very much in love?"

"Envious", the waitress replied while considering his words, "and perhaps a little sad".

"Exactly", John said, "Now imagine that you were a person who always seemed to have trouble fitting in regardless of where you went. All around you are these people who appear to take joy in their own lives, secure in the knowledge of where and how they fit into the world around them. However you never have that, and regardless of what you try or who you try it with, you could never find a place where you feel like you fit in. Perhaps for a while you could convince yourself that the it's the other people who are oblivious to the problems and pressures of the real world around them, but after a while even the most self deluded person would have to admit that the problem was most likely within themselves."

The waitress just stared at him for a few moments before asking in an incredulous voice, "So that's your excuse?"

"No", John replied quickly. "I really have no excuse for how I behaved. This was simply an attempt at explaining what I was feeling that day."

"What would make you think that anyone else is better off?" the waitress asked him back, "Maybe other people are just better at hiding their unhappiness."

"Perhaps", John replied, "But it really doesn't matter if they are actually happy or if they've just deluded themselves into believing they are happy. Either way, it gives them a direction and purpose in their life that I appear to lack. The anger that I sincerely regret directing your way last week was caused by my realization that I simply don't have what it takes to be happy or content with my life."

The waitress reflected on his comments for a few moments as her eyes studied him. John was starting to feel a little uncomfortable under the weight of that gaze when she said: "Maybe if you weren't so focused on yourself, you could find some direction."

"Great, what kind of new age Zen bullshit is she going to pull on me now", John thought angrily as he puzzled over her words. Not trusting himself to say more, he simply said: "Enlighten me".

"Do you think I enjoy being polite and cheerful to every obnoxious asshole who walks in that door? " the waitress said with rising heat, "Do you think I enjoy politely serving the ladies who come in here and look down on me simply because I work in a coffee shop? Do you think I enjoy smiling cheerfully while some indecisive middle aged man tries to look down my shirt while he's attempting to decide which size of coffee he wants?"

John was taken aback by the anger in her voice. "No", he hesitantly replied, "I don't think you'd enjoy that. So why do you do it?"

"Because I choose to!" she replied, her cheeks slightly flushed by her outburst. "You could say that I have to be polite in this job, and to a certain extent I do. But for the most part I choose to be polite, and I choose to not take my frustrations out on everyone around me."

"An admirable goal, if a little naïve" John admitted, "But I fail to see your point."

"The point is that people tend to surround themselves with the same type of energy they give off.", the waitress explained, "Your interactions with the people around you are like the ripples in a pond after a stone is thrown in. If you act negatively towards the people around you, then they'll likely continue to propagate that negativity to those they interact with. The best hope of getting anything positive back is to be positive yourself."

"I think you're greatly oversimplifying things", John argued, "Smile and the world smiles with you is more of a cliché than a philosophy."

"Of course it's simple!" the waitress retorted, "It's people like you who try to make things more complex than they need to be. Rather than actually doing something and risking failure, you'd rather hide away from the world, all the while bemoaning your own sense of isolation."

For a moment, John was at a loss for words. Although he didn't fully agree with what the waitress had said, he had to admit that her observations were well thought out and rather insightful. He had a suspicion that he'd have trouble fitting her back into the stereotype from which he'd viewed her previously.

"Those are some interesting observations." said John as he finally broke the silence, "Tell me, are you studying to be a psychologist and using me as your class project?"

The waitress's eyes never wavered, even as a bit of color rose to her cheeks. "Nice use of misdirection there." she answered, "But to answer your questions, yes I am a psychology student, and no you are most definitely not a class project. I've just been watching you for a while."

"Why would you do that?" John asked feeling slightly puzzled.

"That question will have to wait till next time." the waitress replied with a mysterious smile on her face. "My bus comes in a couple of minutes, and I work the early shift tomorrow."

Without another word she picked up her bag and headed towards the door. John sat in his chair, feeling as if the world had suddenly shifted underneath him. It seemed like every preconceived notion he'd walked in with regarding the waitress was rapidly crumbling before his eyes.

Just when things started to slow down, he heard her voice over his shoulder:

"By the way, my name is Ann."

[davethepantless]

The Coffee Shop - Part 3

He'd done a good job of keeping away till today, when while lost in thought his feet had followed a familiar path and taken him back there. And now the very eyes that John had hoped to avoid were staring at him, as he stood frozen in the open doorway like some drooling idiot.

"Move you fucking coward", John thought to himself, "Either walk to the bloody counter or turn around and get the hell out of here!".

He was a little surprised at how difficult it was to make his feet move forward. Maybe turning around would have been the better choice.

All the while John walked towards the counter, the waitress watched him with those piercing eyes. John searched for some sign of how this was going to go down, but found her eyes unreadable, and her face a blank mask. It was obvious that she'd put a wall up the minute she'd spotted him. John idly wondered if it was worth the risk to try and figure out what was on the other side.

Armed with his best smile, and a voice that sounded far more confident than he felt, John asked the waitress "So can a complete asshole get a cup of coffee to go?" He was disappointed to find that the only visible reaction to his words was a slight widening of her eyes. John had hoped to shock some sort of real reaction out of her. How high did that fucking wall go anyway?

"I guess it depends on the asshole." the Waitress replied in clipped tones, "Some are far worse than others".

"So that's the way it's going to be" John thought as he resigned himself to the road ahead. Sometimes when you hurt another person, an apology just wasn't enough. Some people had to see you bleed before they could move on. Others never moved on regardless of how much you bled.

"Look, I know was way out of line." John told the waitress. "I offer no excuses for my behavior and very I'm sorry for what I said. Now can I please get that cup of coffee, so I can go make someone else's life miserable?"

This time there wasn't even a slight eye movement from her. The wall didn't move an inch. Seconds ticked away as the waitress studied John and considered her response. When she finally did speak, it was to answer his question with one of her own.

"Tell me why".

John's mouth went dry at the words. Damn it, why couldn't she call him an asshole again, or just kick him out of the fucking store? Anything was better than having to share those particular thoughts with someone else. John was pretty sure that most people thought he was strange enough, without knowing of all the insecurities and self doubt that he wrestled with in the darkened corners of his mind.

Maybe he could divert her. It had worked on others before.

"Why what?" John replied, "Why do I want a cup of coffee, or why am I an asshole? The first question is rather simple, but the second could take all afternoon for me to explain."

"Tell me why you blew up at me last week.", the waitress persisted in a level voice, "You were sitting alone at your table when I asked you if you wanted a refill, and then suddenly you snapped and bit my head off. Maybe you are a real asshole, but I still want to know why you said what you did.".

John paused to consider his options. If he turned away and left now, he'd likely just make the waitress even more pissed off at him. However telling her the truth was just as unappealing an option. Sharing what he had really thought and felt that day seemed like a guaranteed path to scorn and rejection. After all, no one who could fake so much cheerfulness would ever be able to identify with the soul destroying negativity that John struggled to keep inside of him every single day. The only problem with keeping it all hidden away inside was that occasionally some of it got out, which was how he ended up in this whole messed up situation in the first place.

John briefly considered making something up just to satisfy the waitresses odd sense of curiosity, before coming to the realization that he really didn't want to do that. There was no getting away from the fact that he owed her the truth for taking out his frustrations on her. It was his actions which had hurt her, so the consequences that followed would have to be endured. The problem was that a real explanation couldn't be done in the few minutes. John had always felt that if you could fit your life into a hundred words or less essay, then it probably wasn't worth living.

"Listen, I'm sorry but I don't have the time to explain right now" John finally told the waitress "But if you make me that cup of coffee, I promise I'll come back later and tell you what happened."

Without a word, the waitress turned and poured him a cup of coffee. John tossed a five dollar bill on the counter, grabbed the coffee and turned to leave. He was starting to think he'd actually gotten off easy, but when he got to the door he froze as he heard her call after him:

"Come back at 8 tonight".

[davethepantless]

Nature Friendly Transportation

[davethepantless]

The Coffee Shop - Part 2

John brushed off the snow as he made his way into the coffee shop. Lately it had seemed like each day was a little colder than the last. His mood darkened at bit at the sight of the lineup at the front counter. In John's opinion, far too much of his life had already been spent waiting in a line.

Blowing on his hands to warm them, he gazed towards the waitress at the counter. He noticed that her ever cheerful mask seemed to occasionally slip a little this afternoon, probably due to the impatient lineup before her. John wondered idly what would happen if her mask ever broke. He also wondered what it said about him that he'd even think that.

After waiting the seemingly endless minutes till he was at the front of the line, John ordered his coffee, and watched the overworked yet still somewhat irritatingly cheerful waitress scurry off to get him his beverage. Coffee finally in hand, John walked off towards his usual table, but stopped when he noticed it was occupied. Looking at his current choices, John reluctantly picked a table near the center of the coffee shop and sat down.

John never had felt comfortable in the middle of a crowd. He preferred to sit on the edge, and be alone with his thoughts. Some days he'd just sit at his table and watch the other customers. For some strange reason, watching other people both fascinated and repulsed him. John had always felt somewhat shocked and sickened by most people's self absorbed attitudes. It's was almost like they were so focused on themselves that they were obvious to the world around them. Yet however much it bothered him, John found that just like some massive traffic accident, he just couldn't look away. In the back of his mind, John kept wondering how bad it would get. Or how bad it could get…

Looking a little closer at the people currently occupying his usual table, John suppressed a grimace as he noticed the couple sitting there. A man and a woman sat there deeply absorbed in their own conversation. Their eyes told a story that was echoed in the woman's laugh, and the man's gentle smile. They seemed like a couple very much in love.

John wondered briefly why another person's happiness would bother him so. Maybe some people were selfish by nature, but John felt he was not the type of person to begrudge another person some joy in their lives. "After all", he thought, "Life brings enough challenge and heartache to all of our lives without some asshole adding to it".

Perhaps his reaction was due to the fact that in the presence of the couple's obvious happiness, the empty spaces in is own life became more pronounced. John's own romantic relationship's had in a way mirrored the rest of his life. Instead of being like the blissful serenity of the couple seated at the table, John's past relationships had been all marked by constant struggle.

From the deepest corners of John's mind, a voice rose unbidden. Eight simple words rang unceasingly through his thoughts until he thought he might scream.

"Maybe it's not within me to be happy."

John viciously repressed the thought, but not before it had taken its toll out of him. He felt shaken to his core. Even the most self absorbed person could only go through so many years of failed relationships before concluding the problem was most likely themselves. Perhaps something deep within him so broken that he could no longer respond to another person's emotions the way any other man could. Maybe he was so trapped in his self destructive patterns that he'd be unable to recognize a chance for happiness even when it all but slapped him in the face.

Suddenly someone intruded upon John's thoughts as he heard the waitress ask him in her usual upbeat voice: "Do you want a refill?"

Instantly his face started to turn red. Embarrassed at being caught deep in thought, John angrily forced himself to meet her eyes. Somewhat harsher than he'd intended the words sprang to his lips:

"No God Damn it, I don't want a refill, and I don't want you dragging your prosaic pill popping ass over hear every ten minutes to ask me the same fucking question!".

For a moment her mask slipped completely away, and John finally caught a glimpse of what lay beneath. Sharp blue eyes wavered before him, as if glazed by the morning dew. Behind those eyes he saw a person much like himself, filled with the same insecurities and self doubt. John saw this person recoil from his words and he saw the hurt they caused. As he struggled to come up with the words to undo the damage his brief outburst had caused, the mask was suddenly replaced.

In a voice filled with suppressed anger, the waitress replied "You're such an asshole", before stalking back to her counter. Stunned by his own reaction, John stifled an impulse to immediately follow her. In the blink of an eye he'd made a serious mistake. Somehow he'd momentarily mistaken the waitress for the mask she wore.

After the heated exchange, John felt as if every eye in the coffee house was upon him. Ignoring the sensation, he frantically tried to think of a way to fix what he'd done. He should have known what damage a few words spoken in haste could do. Unfortunately those words could not be taken back, so there was really only one thing left to do.

John grabbed his grabbed his coat, and walked to the counter. The waitress was standing there, her eyes watching him guardedly. In the face of those eyes he almost faltered, but taping his last reserves of courage, he walked up to the counter and said as sincerely as he could.

"I'm so sorry."

Not waiting to hear a response, John turned and plunged back out into the cold. He'd learned firsthand the power of words to hurt, but whether those words could also be enough to heal was a question that he suspected only time would answer.

[davethepantless]

The Coffee Shop - Part 1

John stepped into the coffee shop, pushed forward by a strong winters wind. It was the fifth straight day of this fucking cold weather, and he was starting to get tired of it. A few people looked up from their tables, momentarily chilled by the open door, but within seconds they turned their attention back to their previous subjects. One of the things John like best about this coffee shop was that for the most part people left you alone.

Solitude was definitely what John needed at the point. He ordered a coffee from the overly cheerful waitress behind the counter, and then sat in a corner to be alone with his thoughts.

To John, it seemed like the more he worked at the things that society valued most: career and social standing, the less important they seemed. John's girlfriend often seemed so focused on achieving that next level of success that society had sold the people as some sort of materialistic Holy Grail, but to John the accolades of a successful career seemed so very empty as of late.

"There must be more to life than this" John thought as he sipped his coffee. For the last couple of months he'd had this irrational fear that he'd been wasting the time that had been given to him. He was tired of playing a faceless role in this consumer driven society with its ever ravenous appetites for a better bottom line. There just had to be something more to living than to work, buy and die.

Glancing up from his coffee, John watched the other people in the coffee shop. Some were as absorbed in their own thoughts as he was, while others talked, laughed or argued with their companions. Even in this place, the range of humanity seemed shockingly varied and diverse. "No wonder we can't understand each other" John thought to himself, "Most of us don't even understand ourselves".

John often wondered how other people viewed the world, or what it looked like from their eyes. The tragedy of the human condition was that each person was so locked within their own head that it was extremely difficult to see any other viewpoint. If life could be imagined as a forest, then it could be said that most people never saw more than a single leaf during their entire lifetime.

John's thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the waitress, who inquired if he wanted a refill with her company approved bright and cheerful manner. "God damn it!" John thought irritably, "when did personality lose the battle to corporate uniformity? Soon we'll all be forced to wear these fucking perma-grin masks.".

He quickly nodded his head, and the waitress refilled the coffee cup before bounding off to the next table. John had always found her fake cheerfulness irritating, although he had to acknowledge that it probably wasn't really her fault. Working at this establishment had likely forced her to develop this mask of fake friendliness and corporate efficency. It was the mask, and not the person behind it that had bothered him so. It seemed like so many people wore masks these days.

In fact, while reflecting on his own situation John was forced to acknowledge that he'd created several masks of his own in his lifetime. It was sometimes difficult to remember the reasons why, but in some way he was sure that one of the motivations had to have been fear. Fear of being rejected, by letting others see the real person inside. Fear of being hurt, by lowering ones defenses. Maybe even the fear of having to face one's own self laid bare, without all the reasoning and self justifications that allow people to sleep at night.

But one of John's biggest fears was that if he wore a mask too long, he might actually become the mask. Although he acknowledged that the person he was inside was a deeply flawed individual, he'd long since decided that he'd rather be a real person than an empty mask. Real people wrestled with misery and uncertainly every day of their lives, until it became like a worn out coat that they put on every day. Even this constant struggle was better than simply pretending the problem didn't exist. It was always better to look your demons straight in the eye, or you could end up spending the rest of your life running from them.

"I sound like a fucking Hallmark card." John said under his breath as he chuckled to himself, "Maybe I should apply for a job there".

Glancing at his watch, John realized that he was due back at the office soon. Time as always seemed like the great driver of humanity, as no person living could long resist it's siren's call. Hurriedly swallowing his coffee, John left some money on the table, and rushed out to face the winter's wrath once more.

As the door closed behind him, John wondered how long he'd have to ask questions before he actually found the answers he was searching for...