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List of the Hell’s (de-)motivational posters:

PLEASE do not LICK THE WALLS

This office has gone  0  11  2  days without anyone saying  “The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intensions″

Clean up after youself, your mother doesn’t work here. YOU DON’T HAVE A MOTHER

WE HATE YOU

The Devil Finds WORK FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO - so LOOK BUSY!

TO AVOID INJURY don’t tell me how to do my bloody job! 

For More Efficient Service just rip out your own throat with a stapler

GIVE UP NOW

CHEER UP! REMEMBER – The Worst IS yet to come.

You DON’T MATTER

In Case of Fire, Send grateful memo to the Department of Infernal Flame

To illustrate the torture existing in Hell, Neil Gaiman created motivational posters for the walls. ‘I had too much fun with these,’ he says. ‘The hardest part was just persuading the art department that I was serious about getting them to forget everything they had ever learned about design.’ - Good Omens Companion

One of the oddest things was in Hell. I wrote a number of de-motivational posters for the walls of Hell. And the art department couldn’t get them ugly enough. Eventually, the production designer, the amazing Michael Ralph did possibly the most sensible thing that he could have ever done, which was to ask the youngest art department intern to do them and tell him that we encourage the use of lots of different fonts, and Comic Sans wherever possible. And we got these very badly designed posters, and they were exactly what we wanted. - Neil Gaiman (x)

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A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.

God responds “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

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➣ NBD people…  Just the latest thing trending on Twitter

➣ Oh, and you can access Trump’s original tweet HERE.

#SudafedHead

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ronan and mia farrow would absolutely kill it at motherboy

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The postwoman was telling me this morning that our little ritual of morning coffee & gossip might come to an end next year because of new regulations for rural post offices—postmen and women in the countryside are ‘less efficient’ than their colleagues in cities, so they will now have a tracking app on their phone monitoring their whereabouts and how long they spend in each house, and will be penalised (more postboxes added to their shift) if they spend more than X minutes per postbox, because if you have time to chat for 5 minutes you have time to deliver more post, which means employing less people and saving money. The postwoman said “The guidelines only talk in terms of postboxes, 800 postboxes per day, delivering post to postboxes—this whole time I thought I was delivering post to people!… A lot of people are waiting for me outside their door when they hear me arrive, am I supposed to throw the letters at them from behind the wheel and not even leave the car to kiss them hello and ask how they are? It’s not like I stay for an hour.” 

She will also no longer be allowed to do any favours—there are elderly people living in isolated farms around here, and she (and other postmen) often offer to bring some groceries to them (which they don’t buy during their shift) in winter when the roads are bad, or meds from the pharmacy, and starting next year there will be inspectors doing surprise inspections of postmen’s cars to check for anything that is not post, with penalties if they find groceries or other stuff. I couldn’t think of why so she explained gloomily that the post company started a (paid) service to provide this kind of assistance so it is now wrong to offer the same help for free. 

We joked about having secret subversive chats over coffee next year but yeah this is all pretty depressing. She said doing people little favours (like when she offered to ask around in farms to find me some kittens to adopt, and deliver the kittens to me) and exchanging a few words to check on people and their little stories every day is what she loves about her job, and these new rules seem to have been invented specifically to make her hate her job. Capitalism makes for a really joyless, loveless society.

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IT HERE

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there are three questions you must ask yourself every day

is it cute?

is it sexy? and

is it OSHA compliant?

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I'll take them for you

my dentist gave me 12 oxycodone and 14 ibuprofen for a surgery i had and i’m like who do you think i am lol i’m not gonna take any of these

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public places need to give me a heads up before they start playing fleetwood mac. i’m not ready to have a spiritual out of body experience in the cold & flu aisle of cvs

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Blood Sister: One Tough Nun

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You know... Midsommar (2019) was really just 2hr 30min of me realizing that I Would Absolutely Join a Cult™️ if the recruiter implied I'd be taken care of, emotionally

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what if instead of gendered bathrooms we had named bathrooms. you could only go into a bathroom that has your name and if there isn’t one then you’re screwed

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ladies? i have GOT to ask. what is going on

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big mouth stans respond to every criticism of the animation with “you’re criticizing the show without even watching it.” would that i could give it a chance. i like john mulaney and nick kroll. but you only have to see one frame of the show to criticize the art style as off-putting in the most literal definition of the phrase, in that it puts me off watching the show. i will only go so far for those guys. they went where i can’t follow. 

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