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reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

2,121,566 people are not Amanda and counting!

We’ll find you Amanda.

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I've realized nothing is stopping me from releasing my favorite recipe for cream biscuits on all of you.

Listen to me. If you have the ingredients, you can have warm biscuits in half an hour from the time you read this. Have them with jam.

Ingredients:

3 cups (450g) all-purpose flour. I like to sub in some whole wheat for part of it to discourage gluten development, but that will reduce browning.

4 teaspoons (16 g) white sugar. Important for the correct moisture level.

1 tablespoon (9g) baking powder

1/4 teaspoon baking soda. Too little for my scale to register, but you will regret it if you do not add it- they don't rise properly.

2 cups heavy cream. Yes. One pint of cream.

Tools:

Stiff spatula that's also good for scraping

Bowl that can hold at least a quart

Parchment paper

Baking sheet (at least one)

A scale that measures in grams OR a dry cup measure, a dry tablespoon measure, and a dry teaspoon measure

A dry 1/3 cup measure and a dry 1/4 teaspoon measure

A wet measure that can hold two cups, preferably microwavable. If not, you'll need a microwavable bowl that can hold two cups.

Directions:

First, put one of the racks of your oven in the upper-middle.

Next, set your oven to preheat to 450 Fahrenheit. This will seriously only take a bit to throw together, so you do actually need to start your oven before the recipe.

After that, measure out the cream and microwave it for 30 seconds. What you're doing here is making it warmer and runnier so that it mixes into the batter better.

While the cream is thinking about itself in the microwave, measure out and mix together all of the dry ingredients in the quart bowl. (You can use a whisk here if you want, but really, the spatula works fine and can be reused when the batter is wet.)

Microwave the cream again for another 30 seconds. You waited between these to let the heat even out inside the cream. (You could also get this effect by stirring it, but then it's another thing you need to wash later.)

While the cream is microwaving a second time, measure, cut, and lay out your parchment paper on your baking sheet.

Check that the cream is about body temp. You can do this like baby formula, dripping it onto your wrist to check that it doesn't feel warm or cool. It should also be around the runniness of milk now. (Or you can use a thermometer. It should be about 95 degrees Fahrenheit.)

Mix the cream into the dry ingredients until the dough is uniform. Make sure to scrape the bottom of the bowl and not leave any major flour streaks.

Get that dry 1/3 cup measure, and use it to measure out the dough. (The original recipe says to spray the cup with nonstick spray, but I honestly don't, and don't really have an issue.)

They should be about 2 1/2 inches wide and 1 1/4 inches tall. The recipe makes about 10 biscuits if you pack the cups tightly, and about 12 if you slightly underfill them. I prefer the latter, personally- mostly because 12 is an easier number to split neatly.

Bake for 10-12 minutes. If you used all white flour, then they'll turn golden brown on top. If you used some whole wheat and don't have that indicator, poke them and make sure they're solid.

Wait 2-3 minutes to cool, cut open, eat with jam and/or butter. INDULGE.

Substitution notes:

Changing the flours seems to work well, and given that a lot of gluten is not desirable in this, I suspect a gluten free version would be quite tasty- but maybe not for beginners.

The cream is rather critical to the recipe, and I would not recommend trying a dairy-free version of it if it's your first time and you need them for a dinner party or similar. If you want to experiment, I suspect that full-fat canned coconut milk (NOT coconut cream, that's a much higher fat ratio and will throw off the recipe) would be your best bet. Full-fat canned coconut milk is consistently the best substitute for cream I've found for undairyfying sweet baked goods. Do NOT microwave the can under any circumstances.

Storage notes:

You can store them for a day or two in an airtight container at room temperature. (Well. You can if they last that long.)

If you need them to last longer, put that container in the freezer. You can microwave them from frozen to revive them.

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🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨 🚨

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we do need to revisit the wording of "you can't have your cake and eat it too" because i don't think it clearly enough conveys that it's more that you can't simultaneously retain a cake and also get to consume it (which would render you cakeless). for years i was like But why not....it's my cake....?

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My girlfriend is on a cruise so while she’s gone I’m gonna cut the sleeves off of all my shirts

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psst do u have any more haikaveh fic recs? i read all the ones in your last fic rec post and loved them all ^_^

hello anon i've had this ask marinating in my inbox for months because i wanted to gather enough material to put together a longer list but even though i don't have a ton i figured it's been long enough 😭 i'm happy to hear you enjoyed the last recs! i looked back through the first list and it's truly filled with classics

without further ado here are 10 fics i've read in the past few months that altered my brain chemistry

notes:

most if not all are sfw but check tags before reading👍

organized in no particular order apologies i was lazy this time

was gonna add little comments to each but i’m now realizing that would take up a huge amt of space so. just know that all of these changed the trajectory of my life. thank u fic authors for all u do🫶

matters of the heart by luminvies (T, 11k)

“The art of tarot can be difficult to process, I know,” Al-Haitham says, nodding. “You just have to accept it.” “STOP SAYING THAT,” Kaveh says. Al-Haitham picks a random card from his pile of cards and flips it over to reveal a Genius Invokation HP food card of tandoori roast chicken. “This is going to be your dinner.” “WHY DO YOU KNOW MY DOORDASH ORDER,” Kaveh yells, typing furiously into his phone and brandishing the app in Al-Haitham’s face. “I PLACED THE ORDER RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED THROUGH YOUR DOOR.”

Al-Haitham is a tarot card reader. Kaveh is skeptical.

Tempt Me Away (But I'll Always Be Yours) by snowytuesdays (T, 31k)

"Senior Kaveh! You're early today." "Of course, I was the one who asked to meet, how could I be late?" Kaveh said, a smile automatically forming on his own face. "I don't know, perhaps you got distracted by another fraudster, asking 'Oh Lord Kaveh, will you build me a house'?" "It was that one time," Kaveh said, his cheeks burning slightly. "You just happened to find me at a bad moment." "Certainly, certainly," the scholar said, mirth in his eyes, “How could anyone possibly fool the great Light of Kshahrewar?”

HE'S TAKEN by heartslogos (T, 22.5k)

There's a visiting scholar following Kaveh around, all smiles and sunshine, and Kaveh finds himself torn between his lingering unrequited feelings for a certain someone and this bold newcomer. But Kaveh starts to realise something strange- Alhaitham never appears at the same time as the other guy. Now, as Dehya takes a minute to compose herself and come to terms with the fact that all of this has actually just happened, Dehya turns to look at Al-Haitham and Cyno, reading the absolute resignation on their faces. "Alright, how does she know you're an incredibly athletic swordsman? For all she knows those muscles could be for show. What did you do, do a full work out routine in front of her? Help take down another corrupt regime?" Dehya asks as soon as she's entirely sure that the reporter has been wrestled out of earshot. (Meanwhile, everyone else present has scattered or attempted to erase their presence to become inanimate fixtures in the background.) And then, because this is way more important than that little detail, she continues, "Wow. Damn. I never thought I'd say this, but that reporter is way too into you to be healthy. There's no way you're that hot."

revelation of the silent sands by levvli (G, 2.2k)

Sethos' new family warns him that Alhaitham and Kaveh can't stand each other. He isn't so sure. Written for the Haikavetham Gotcha for Gaza!

a cat's life comes just once by cherotonin (T, 8.4k)

The thing on the floor makes a sound at him. The sound goes something like, Meow. Kaveh had already been recognized as a genius by the time he was learning nursery rhymes, so he is of course very well-acquainted with the sounds and transliterations thereof made by various common animals. In fact, his recall speed for these associations is likely significantly above average. This is why he recognizes so rapidly and adeptly that there is a fucking cat on his floor even though he does not and has never owned a cat. “Meow,” says the cat again. “Yes, I know,” Kaveh says irritably, and then immediately feels bad about it. “I mean.” He clears his throat. “Meow, as well.”

Al-Haitham seizes an opportunity to conduct an unusual experiment regarding Kaveh's usual patterns of behavior. To maximize the integrity of his results, he does not inform the subject of his observations about the study parameters.

Or, Al-Haitham cashes in some vacation days while in cat form, and Kaveh adopts an eccentric stray in his roommate's absence.

the deepest secret by heartslogos (M, 52k)

When Kaveh opens his eyes a field of hills sprawls out before him, onward and onwards. A grass sea with waves of hills, dotted in orange and yellow and purple. Kaveh turns his eyes towards the sky and can only imagine what sunrise or sunset must look like from here. Without knowing it, Kaveh is walking out into the grass, barefoot with his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the front laces undone and his hair already messy from just waking up and when he breathes in he chokes, he chokes because as the cool grass sea air dances with him laughter blooms in his lungs and he spreads his arms wide like he could scoop it all up into himself. Like he could find the room for it. Maybe he does. Maybe he can. Who knows? The wonderful thing that Kaveh has discovered about having no memories is that he has no limits. He doesn't remember them. He can be anything. He can be a grass sea. He can be an infinite sunrise. He can be beautiful. The Howl's Moving Castle fusion that I, specifically, asked myself for.

Changes of State by GoWingOvaBored (E, 152k)

“I’ve designed many buildings in my career,” Kaveh begins, the attention of every single person in the crowd fixed on him. “Most of which have been extravagant pieces made to stand tall in our city and glitter.” Kaveh glances down at what must be some notes on the podium, pausing before he looks back up, shining in the bright lights of the stage. “But in recent years, I must admit that my focus has shifted.” Alhaitham leans forward, watching, hoping for something he can't quite admit. Not when the truth is that he’s never known how to say that he is hungry without fear that people will see the truth that he is starving.

Or, a year after the events of the Interdarshan Championship, Alhaitham finally retires

I've connected the dots (What dots? This is sudoku?) by heartslogos (T, 35k)

In which the entirety of Sumeru gets stuck on reading into something that just isn't there.

The Stars Shine Brighter in Your Eyes (but I'll never admit it) by SynapticCryokinetic (G, 32.8k)

Alhaitham has one last job as the Acting Grand Sage of Sumeru - to rescue Sumeru from another potential age of digital slavery. Kaveh was roped in amidst loud wails about his safety and agreed to help Alhaitham in exchange for never having to pay rent again. Features slightly cocky Alhaitham who is romantically oblivious and goofball Kaveh who is equally romantically hopeless.

your fragrance like an accolade by alcazary (T, 16.5k)

"I'm me. I promise, I'm me. You don't like soup— you rail at me whenever I make it because you can't eat it when you read your books. You smile at me whenever I fix your headphones for you, whenever I put a peach candy in your mouth. Alhaitham," it sounds like Kaveh's begging. He should never beg. Not when Alhaitham is going to kill him. He's not—

or: alhaitham gets kidnapped

sorry it's so short this time! it's been taking me longer to finish fics recently since i've been listening to them instead (using microsoft edge's built-in tts, would recommend!) but i hope you find something you like regardless🫡 i have a huge backlog of wonderful fics that i need to read so i shall get cracking on those and report back with more recs soon.....in the meantime if you stumble upon any life changing fics yourself please do share in the comments or tags TY🙏

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sometimes you need dialogue tags and don't want to use the same four

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me holding a gun to a mushroom: tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

mushroom: can you feel your heart burning? can you feel the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters

me cocking the gun, tears streaming down my face: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

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IF YOU ARE UNMARRIED, DON'T HAVE KIDS, AND HATE YOUR PARENTS PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE A FUCKING WILL

this has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood probate lawyer

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GO APOLLO GO

SIC 'EM

EVERYONE LEND HIM YOUR STRENGTH!

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Something very strange happened, and I think we need to have a talk about the way some people who don't know about Catalan culture misrepresent the Tió (our pre-Christian Christmas present-bringer, a log who poops presents 🪵🎁).

I have a relative who is a teacher in an adult school, she teaches Catalan language (mostly to immigrants). Some days ago, they were doing an activity about Catalan holidays, and two of her students said that Tió should be banned and that it's the worst thing they have ever heard. My relative was very shocked and asked why they could say such a thing (imagine, it's like saying Santa Claus should be banned in the USA). Their reasoning was that they completely misunderstood everything about it. These people are native Spanish speakers and assumed that the Catalan word "tió" (meaning "log" 🪵) means the same as the Spanish word "tío" (meaning "uncle"), even though both words are pronounced differently. They believed that the Tió represents a man and that we tell children to beat people up, so much until they poop themselves, threatening them to give us things. They said it promotes violence to children and that it's disgusting. Nothing further from the truth.

This is not an isolated incident because a few days ago I saw a post on Tumblr repeating this same mistake. I texted the person who posted it saying that it's not called "Poop Uncle" but "Christmas Log" and they said that this was what they were taught by their teacher (this person is from a different continent), and haven't taken down the post. I have also seen comments on Instagram repeating the same and making fun of how gross and violent it is.

The real meaning of Tió

The Log is a way of symbolically passing down our relation with nature. This is how the tradition works:

In early December, we get a log and bring him home. We take care of him: we keep him in a warm place, with a blanket over him, and we feed him things like orange/clementine peels and walnut shells. On Christmas day, all the family comes together. Children get wooden sticks and go get ready in another room, meanwhile adults place presents under the Log's blanket. Children come back and hit the Log while singing a song. There are many local variants of the song but they all come down to asking the Log to poop us good food. When they have finished singing the song, the children remove the blanket and discover the presents that the Log has pooped. Years ago (now this is only done by some farmer families in rural areas, but back in the day this was generalized), the Log was burned in the house's fireplace and its ashes were spread on the fields, believed to act as a magical fertilizer.

Notice what this whole "ritual" has been about: we take care of nature, nature takes care of us, we are part of a whole and there's no real difference between "nature" and "us" because we all give life to each other.

We take a log from the forest and bring it home. We do this for the Winter Solstice because it's the time of the return of light and the rebirth of nature after the winter sleep, and wood symbolizes the most important things for human life: food, warmth and light. It's difficult for us to imagine nowadays because we are used to electricity, but for our ancestors who only had oil lamps, fire and candles, darkness was almost absolute for many hours in winter, and that's why the Winter Solstice was very important because it meant that light is coming back. We want something from the Log, his fire will allow us to cook, it will give us light, and keep us warm. So we offer him the same: we feed him (notice what we feed it, too: a kind of compost, which is complimentary to human food), we keep him warm, and we love him. Then, we hit him with sticks (mimicking the motion of cutting down a tree) and ask him to give us food, and he does. Then, our ancestors used to burn him for warmth and light, and then take him back to plants spreading his ashes so it will give life to the fields. Which in turn will give us food again, which we will poop and it will fertilize plants again. And it's a cycle that never ends, we're all part of a whole.

We give to the forests, the forests can grow with the remains that all living creatures leave on its ground: leafs, excrements, the remains of parts of our food like nuts and fruit peels. These things give life to the forest. And the forest gives life to us: gives us fruits and wood (=light and warmth). We take these things, and in return we give to forests once again.

Nowadays, the part about warmth and light is often lost to kids, but the part about food is still obvious, even if subconsciously. This is why the Log is not the horrible barbaric tradition that the "haha poop and violence" crowd would make you believe.

And don't get me wrong, it can still be funny! We're the first ones to make jokes about it. And you can, too! But don't spread false ideas: the Spanish word "uncle" appears nowhere near this tradition because it doesn't have anything to do with uncles nor with Spanish-speaking cultures. It's called the Christmas Log (Tió de Nadal, Soca de Nadal, Tronca de Nadal, Tizón de Nadal, etc depending on the area, all meaning "Christmas Log") and it's celebrated by the Catalan people and a part of the Occitan and Pyrenean Aragonese people. The word "poop" (as an imperative verb, as in "please poop for us") appears in the song, but not in the name.

I know that, now that misinformation has gone viral, a post won't stop it. But I hope at least people with a genuine interest can learn some more. By all means, keep laughing! Make all the memes you want! But knowing the whole story will give you understanding. And, please, don't argue in favour of banning our cultural practises, we've had enough of that for centuries.

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You ever been in a state where you physically have no energy, but you're bored and socially understimulated so you kind of wish you could just invite people to come over like this:

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I found an interesting thread on twitter about how fandom puts the well- being of fictional characters above that of actual abuse victims and I wanted to share it cause some of y'all really need to read

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it's not "am I good enough to do it?", it's "do I like it enough to be bad at it?"

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suck, and i cannot stress this enough, my cock to the fucking base

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Hot take: this is the point where EVERYONE should say “deny defend depose” to ANY insurance person. Flood the justice system with absurdity so they are forced to reckon with the burden of truth. Highlight the hypocrisy of a system hell bent on “justice” when CEOs get to play judge, jury, and executioner. Make the bigots uncomfy and those complicit culpable. Call out cops for being shitty. Advocate for people in jail for addiction. Be a nuisance and a reason for change