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2018.07.27
Woke up at 6.45 at my Airbnb, I'm enjoying bouncing around the city a bit for a change. Only slept fine hours the previous night, so I got some coffee on the morning, had a bagel too.
Spent the morning shelving, and the afternoon receiving. We had a lot of boxes come in today, but I got through 78 in only 6 hours, which made me feel good. Useful, at least.
To be honest, I'm getting desperate. My brain has been going to some dark places, and I'm scared of going down the rabbit hole again and ending up in the hospital. Nothing gets fixed there, they can only drug you into stability and release you. And by enough days of cafeteria food and groups, I'm really ready to leave.
I've been mixing the meds that have been prescribed to be. I'm only supposed to be on lithium, Lamictal, and Seroquel, but I've been adding in double doses of my old Wellbutrin, can't find my Abilify, Pristiq, or that other one. Maybe i shouldn't be taking Abilify, I'm pretty sure that it precipitated my last breakdown. I'm not always convinced that I'm bipolar, but it's true I have a bad history with antidepressants for someone so depressed.
I started smoking again last week, but stopped before I got through the pack. I don't need that shit again, and being unhealthy is just miserable. I love being able to run. I've been chewing nicotine gum instead. I don't feel as bad about that, and it doesn't leave a cigarette smell. Fuck vaping, it's not for me.
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2018.07.26
I woke up early in my Airbnb and prepared myself for the day. Sometimes I just roll out of bed, but I took the time to shower, shave, apply deodorant, and brush my teeth. It doesn't actually take that long.
I got out at 12, got some gas, and drove to the library. I guy asked to borrow my phone to call his therapist, and I let him. Then I went inside and browsed, and ended up getting The Sirens of Titan by Vonnegut. I'm not sure I'll read it, but I devoured Breakfast of Champions.
The smell of the library reminds me of Holly Hill, so I sat for a while looking out the window thinking of broken brains and mental hospitals.

Left for my advising appointment early. It ended up being useless, since David got stuck on the phone. He gave me a few options if I didn't get into the CSC program, namely a major in statistics and a minor in computer science. That or biological engineering. Gave me something to think about.
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