dc-universe2

[dc-universe2]

-after Damian turned 16, at the family dinner-

Bruce: so... Damian, do you remember the Oreov girl you met at the gala last week?

Damian: *looks up* yes

Bruce: what do you think of her...?

Dick: *tries not to laugh*

Tim: *fails not to laugh*

Steph: *doesn't even try not to laugh*

Damian: she was... acceptable, if a bit annoying, why do you ask?

Tim: He's trying to set you up!

Batkids -Damian: *laughs*

Damian: *stares blankly*

Bruce: of course, you don't hav-

Damian: father, are you unaware that I'm in a committed relationship?

Duke, Tim and Dick: *choke on their food*

Steph: *chokes on her drink*

Cass: *smiles*

Batkids: WHAT?!

Bruce: ... I-....

Jason: *laughs so hard he almost falls from his chair* oh Jesus Christ! The world's best detectives at their finest!

Dick: you knew? And you didn't tell me?!

Jason: where the fuck do you think he went almost every fucking friday?

Bruce: *turns to Damian* I- I though you were having sleepover with Jon

Damian: I was.

Dick: but you just-

Batfam: *stops all their movememnt as they realize*

Jason: *actually falls from his chair laughing*

Bruce: JONATHAN SAMUEL KENT!

-over at the Kent farm, also having family dinner-

Jon, who heard Bruce shout his name: I feel like I'm going to get murdered by a bat in my sleep

Clark, who was also listening in: right after you explain why I had to find out you're dating Damian throught their family dinner

Jon: hehe... fuck

[dc-universe2]

Bruce showing Jason around after he first brings him home

Bruce: ...and don't worry all the chandeliers are reinforced so they won't break while you swing on them

Jason: Why would I do that?

Bruce: ...you don't want to swing on the chandeliers and parkour around the furniture?

Jason: No???

Bruce, tearing up: thank you

[dc-universe2]

Alfred, after Robin and Batman return from patrol: Master Bruce, I expected it from you. But you too, Master Dick?

Dick, holding kid Tim like a rabid racoon: In my defense, if we didn't get him, someone else would.

[dc-universe2]

that alternate ending version of Under the Red Hood (2010) where Talia gives Damian to Jason for some ungodly reason always makes me laugh because Jason is like. I'm going to turn Bruce's son into something horrible just to spite him and says this while holding an infant that can't be more than a month old, like. no, Jay, you're gonna get two days into surrogate fatherhood before your instincts take over and you're finding a better safe house in a better neighborhood so you can build a proper nursery and get Damian into a proper pre-K when he's older. the pit can't erase the fact you died trying to save the mother who gave you up or the fact that a mother has just given up her son to you. and by the time any of that gets through your red fiberglass skull, you'll find yourself standing in the grocery store deciding whether you should buy Dami a bat stuffie just to be funny

[dc-universe2]

Joker dies bcs during his big dramatic speech of the day he tries to be be all insane and funny by pretending to shoot himself in the head with his BANG! flag gun but he fucks up getting distracted by flirting with Batman and mixes up his guns and he shoots himself in the face in front of the bats. Jason, who was being bodily held back from shooting him himself by Bruce and Dick for the past 15 minutes, laughs so hard he fractures a rib and has to be carried back to the batmobile

[dc-universe2]

Batman gets frustrated with Red Hood one night and automatically just yells in his most 'Angry Dad Voice'- That's it! You're grounded!!

Jason, caught off guard and reacting on instinct, stomps his foot and starts protesting- Are you kidding me?! This isn't fair! I didn't even do anything!

The argument continues until they both realize that Jason's men are watching them with growing confusion

[dc-universe2]

Damian: These are my older brothers

Jon: Hi

The three brothers: Hey

Damian: Oh, you will love Titus

Jon: Oh, he and Krypto can play along

Damian: Of course

*They walk out of the living room*

Jason: No fucking way is that Damian

Tim: *Shrugs* Maybe Jon actually made him human

Dick: I have to agree with Jason, he referred to us as 'brothers' and not 'Bruce's three disappointments'

[dc-universe2]

(everybody is okay)

[dc-universe2]

I'll be your everything We'll be together, yes forever

[dc-universe2]

Jon

Damian

[dc-universe2]

‘damian bringing jon EVERYWHERE he goes with the same worn out excuse in his head, the batfamily noticing without FAIL that damian cannot go a certain amount of feet from jon without combusting’ vs ‘jon mentioning DAMIAN ruthlessly in EVERY conversation he can fit himself into and people knowing damian entirely through osmosis’ fighting for their place at the table.

[dc-universe2]

Imagine the Damian and Jon age gap but it happens a couple years later like Jon is 15 and Damian is 17. So when Jon comes back, and he’s 18 to Damian’s 17, everyone keeps making jokes about how he has to “wait a couple of months” because Jon’s crush on Damian is the most obvious thing in the world. (Unless you’re Damian, of course.) Now Jon is blushing furiously and avoiding eye contact, but Damian doesn’t get it?? Why is Jon so flustered? Jon, stop acting weird. We’re just going to see a movie. Stop blushing. You’re above this, Jon. Why won’t you hug me anymore? I thought you liked hugs. No, I don’t like them, but I’ve come to tolerate them from you. Do you mean to tell me all of that work was for nothing? How could you do this to me? Just hug me, damnit! Stop ignoring me!

[dc-universe2]

Bruce: Thank you all for coming.

Clark: Anytime Bruce... but, can I ask why you wanted us to meet you at the manor?

Hal: Yeah, last time you had us over we had to babysit one of your demon-

Bruce glares.

Hal: I mean- one your demonically adorable children?

Barry, quietly laughing: Nice save.

Bruce: Thank you, Hal. I'll be sure to inform Jason that you called him 'demonically adorable'.

Hal pales: Wait, spooky no-

Bruce: Back to the matter at hand. I have to attend a meeting in India for Wayne Enterprises. I will be going with Alfred and we will be gone for a week.

Hal: And that means?

Bruce: I require your assistance in watching over Gotham.

Hal: Oh my god. Spooky! You trust us! Haha! Amazing, don't worry we won't let this shithole be destroyed!

Oliver: Bruce, what's the catch?

Bruce: No catch. Although, you should know that Damian and Jason are having a small argument. They should get over it soon, but they might be slightly... antagonistic.

Hal: Well that's no biggie, as long as we have fish boy and the lovely lady Di, we're good!

Bruce: Good. Then I will be leaving.

- An hour later -

Barry: Wait, where are Diana and Arthur?

Clark: I- I don't know

Hal: Th-they, they aren't here?

J'onn: Well, perhaps they will attend our funerals.

- That evening, Clark, Hal, Oliver, Barry, and J'onn patrol -

Clark: Isn't it a bit much for us all to patrol?

J'onn: Two of Batman's terrifying children are loose in the most crime ridden city in the world. I do not believe this is overkill.

Hal: I dunno, I think we could-

Gunshots go off in the distance. Hal has to block them to avoid being shot.

Hal: Jesus Christ! I think Red Hood tried to shoot me!

Jason: Shut the fuck up nightlight and get out of my fucking way!

Damian, using Hal as human shield: Tt, as usual your aim is lacking, Hood.

Jason, completely unloads a clip at Hal.

Hal: STOP SHOOTING AT ME!

Jason: I'm not shooting at you! I'm shooting through you.

Hal: That doesn't make me feel better!!

Jason: Then stop being such an obvious fucking target!

Clark: You know what, I agree J'onn, all of us patrolling is not overkill.

- Just before midnight -

Barry: Okay, so far there are only five bullet wounds between all of us, so I think we're doing pretty good!

Hal, looking very cranky: I'm the only one who's been shot.

Damian, suddenly appearing beside them: Tt. Maybe if you were not so inept you could have avoided five bullet wounds.

Hal: Maybe I could've avoided them if you hadn't stabbed me in the leg!

Jason: Nah, you were inept before that.

Damian immediately pulls out his sword and tries to stab Jason. Jason grabs Oliver's bow and uses it to block the sword.

Oliver: Hey! Careful with the bow!

Jason tries to shoot Damian and Damian grabs Hal to block the bullet.

Hal: PLEASE STOP USING ME AS A SHIELD!

- Just before sunrise -

Oliver: Okay, we're almost done with patrol and we only lost Hal. I think we're doing pretty good!

Jason pops out of nowhere and throws ice pellets at the group. Damian rolls out of the way as the pellets burst, Barry is frozen.

J'onn: Robin, Red Hood, please cease th-

Damian pulls out a flame thrower and aims a Jason. Jason jumps out the way and J'onn is hit.

Clark: And... it looks like we're down two more.

- Back in the batcave, in the medbay -

Oliver, holding a hair dryer trying to unfreeze flash: I mean, it wasn't a complete failure. Other than vicious, unrelenting attacks from feral children, there really wasn't much crime.

J'onn, unimpressed: Thank you for your optimism, Oliver. However, I would very much appreciate it if you would shut up.

Oliver, mumbling: Well you don't have to be mean...

Jason storms into the cave, and from the batcomputer Damian starts yelling at him.

Jason: Shut up demon brat! I just left one of my guns here.

Damian: Tt! Leave now Hood! You are not welcome here!

Jason: Fuck off short stack, go be an edge lord somewhere else.

Damian: How dare you, you incompetent, pig headed-

Jason: Wait- what's that?

Damian: What are you talking about Todd?

Jason, sniffing: Is someone making turkey?

Damian stiffens: I'm not falling for that again Todd.

Jason: Someone's definitely cooking turkey.

Jason looks around dramatically.

Jason: Hmmmm, wonder where Jerry is?

Damian, looking slightly worried: Jerry? JERRY?!

Damian runs out of the room. Jason laughs and starts looking around, occassionally pulling a gun out of some random hiding spot.

Clark: Hey, uh, Jason?

Jason: What do ya want boy scout?

Clark: What are you and Damian fighting about?

Jason, pauses, and narrows his eyes.

Jason: Huh, I don't actually remember... But whatever it is the demon brat is wrong.

- Slightly later that morning, before anyone has gone to bed, still in the batcave -

Damian: Where is it?!

Damian starts digging through random cabinets and tossing aside random, terrifying weapons.

Oliver: Hey, uh, whatcha doing kiddo?

Damian ignores him and keeps rummaging through weapons, just throwing them aside.

Oliver: Okay, c'mon kid, stop throwing dangerous-

One of the knives Damian tossed stabs Oliver in the side.

Oliver: What the fuck?!

Damian: That was easily avoidable. You are weak.

Damian looks at Oliver, and glances at the knife in his side: Oh. You found the blade I was looking for. Very good, you finally did something useful.

Damian takes the knife and leaves.

Oliver, bleeding on the floor: Well screw you too.

- At the same time on the other side of the cave -

Jason: C'mon, where'd Bruce put it?

Jason starts rummaging through a bunch of weapons

Clark: Jason, I think we need to talk about the disagreement you and Damian are having.

Jason starts casually throwing weapons at Clark, not even looking as they bounce off.

Clark: Jason.

Jason throws another batarang at Clark.

Clark: Jason, please, stop acting childish.

Jason 'accidentally' throws a kryptonite laced batarang at Clark.

Clark, now obviously in pain: Real mature.

- After Jason and Damian have gone to bed -

Clark, clutching a stab wound on his side: Oliver, we need to do something about Jason and Damian.

Oliver, also clutching a stab wound: I know. I-I think it's time to call in back up...

- Late that afternoon -

Jason and Damian walk into the batcave while yelling at each other. After a moment they stop and realize who else is in the cave.

Roy: So then if I switch the wires and connect red to blue there will be a huge-

Jason: Roy?

Jon: Shhh!! Don't interrupt, he was just getting to the good part!

Damian: Jonathan?

Jon: Hey Dami!

Jason: What the-

Roy: C'mere Jay! Look at what I did to the T-Rex!

- 2 hours later -

Clark: Wow, I never thought I'd feel so relaxed in Gotham.

Barry: Yeah, I'm glad you guys called in back up.

J'onn: I agree. With the two murder children distracted the likelyhood of serious disaster has significantly decreased.

In the distance a building blows up.

Oliver: I wouldn't say significantly, but at least we're less likely to be injured.

- 2 weeks later -

Clark: Wait, so you and Diana could have been there?!?!

Arthur: Yeah, Bruce just never called us.

Hal: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Bruce! Is that true?!

Bruce: Yes.

Barry: But, but why?! Why would you leave us the stabby ones??

Bruce: It was a training exercise. And Stephanie thought it would be funny.

----------------

@lonestar-speck <3

[dc-universe2]

Bruce:

Clark: No, I know that look! You're going to ask us to babysit one of your full grown children and somehow they're going to involve kryptonite and I will get hurt.

Bruce: Clark-

Barry: Oh my god, he's right isn't he?!

Bruce:

Clark: Well I can't help, I already have my hands full this weekend with Jon and Damian's sleepover.

Bruce: Barry-

Barry: Nope, Bart is grounded for helping your kids with that thing last Tuesday. Which basically means I'm grounded.

Bruce: Hrn. Well, this will be a rather difficult weekend for the other league members.

Clark: Oh? Who needs babysitting this time?

Bruce: Tim and Dick. Dick is sick, with strict orders that he is not to leave his bed and Tim is still grounded, also for Tuesday.

Barry: I'm surprised the other kids aren't still grounded.

Bruce: Damian suffered enough on Tuesday and Duke barely participated. The others I am unable to ground for more than a week, after that they sart to rebel even more.

Clark: That can't be true, Dick wouldn't-

Bruce: Clark, Richard is only well behaved for you.

Clark: I'm sure that's not-

Bruce: Last week I told Richard that he shouldn't jump off a building without a grapling hook. He told me I was stifling his creativity and dove straight into the Gotham harbor. He got pneumonia.

Clark: That's not too-

Bruce: He has refused to stay in bed, last night I found him passed out on the floor of the batcave.

Barry: Yeah, but I'm sure if Alfred just explains that it's the best way for him to get better-

Bruce: I think you overestimate Richards dedication to his own health. Physical or otherwise.

Hal, walking into the room with a smoothie: Hey guys, what's up?

Barry and Clark immediately leave.

Bruce: I have a very important mission for you, Oliver, J'onn, Arthur, and Diana.

- The next day -

Hal: How? How did bats talk us into this?

Hal gestures to a feverish and nearly delusional Dick half asleep in the cave med bay and a petulant looking Tim hunched over a laptop in one of the holding cells.

Oliver: Bruce said it shouldn't be too bad, we just have to keep both boys in the cave.

J'onn: I believe you are overestimating our abilities.

Arthur: I don't know, Bruce did say Tim isn't as devious as he used to be.

Hal: I'm like 90% sure that was a lie.

Diana: I do not need the lasso to know that was a lie. I once saw Timothy declare someone legally dead because he was annoyed that they ate his bagel.

Tim, yelling from his plexiglass holding cell: I also just had Oliver declared legally dead.

Oliver: What the fuck?!

Tim: Don't worry, I gave Roy control over your estate.

Oliver: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Oliver: I've gotta go call my lawyer.

Dick, half delirious: Haha, Roy's 'bout to make Oliver go bankrupt.

- 2 hours later -

Dick: HAAAAALLLL

Hal: What?

Dick: HAAAAAAALLLLLL

Hal: What??

Dick: Halcifer! Halward the Duck? Halmark? Hal-y's comet?!

Hal: What?!

Dick: Halgrid? Halithoy? Halgwarts? Hal-oween?

Hal: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Dick: Your face looks dumb.

Hal: What the fuck??

Tim: I mean, he's right.

- 1 hour later -

Tim: Arthur?

Arthur: Yes?

Tim: I'm bored.

Arthur: I'm not letting you out.

Tim: Please?

Arthur: No.

Tim: Please??

Arthur: No.

Tim: What if I promise not to frame you for tax fraud?

Arthur: ...

Tim:

Arthur: Fine. Five minutes.

- 2 minutes later -

J'onn: What is going on?

Diana, taking pictures: Aren't they adorable?

Dick and Tim are curled up on a medbay cot cuddling.

Oliver: They are sorta cute when they aren't ruining me financially.

Hal: Uh, should we stop this?

Diana: Of course not. This is precious.

Hal: But isn't Tim missing a spleen or something?

J'onn: If he were missing a spleen he would not be so carelessly exposing himself to pneumonia.

Tim: That's what you think loser.

Arthur: Tim what the fuck?!

Tim: Getting pneumonia seems like good revenge for locking me in a cell.

J'onn: You think that causing yourself severe harm and possibly subjecting yourself to an extended hospital stay is a good form of revenge?

Tim: Yes. Because the more hurt I get the angrier Bruce will be with you.

Diana: We should probably seperate them now.

Arthur: Yep.

- 2 hours later -

Tim: Hey, J'onn?

J'onn: Yes Timothy?

Tim: Do you know where Dick is?

J'onn: Of course I do, he is in bed-

J'onn sees Dick's empty bed.

J'onn: Timothy. Where is Richard?

Tim, trying not to laugh: I convinced him to make me soup.

J'onn gives Tim a confused look.

The fire alarm goes off.

Tim, smiling: He always manages to set the soup on fire.

- 1 hour later -

Tim coughs.

Diana: Oh no.

Tim coughs again.

Diana: ARTHUR! IT'S HAPPENING!

- 2 hours later -

Oliver: And that's why Tim getting pneumonia is not our fault!

Bruce: Hrn.

Arthur: Okay, I hear you, and that's a fair point. But-

Bruce: No.

Diana: That's true but-

Bruce:

J'onn: But-

Tim coughs.

Bruce glares.

Hal: Yep, that's, uh, yep. We'll just- uh, we'll just go.

-------------------------------------------------

@lonestar-speck <3

[dc-universe2]

Jon, Damian, and the Batfam are eating at a new vegan restaurant for Damian's birthday.

Jon: oh wow Dami, this is so good, you need to try it!

*Jon then proceeds to pick some food up with his fork and hold it out for Damian. Much to everyone's surprise Damian accepts the offering.*

Dick: wow, I'm surprised he let you do that!

Jon: oh, he's used to me sticking things in his mouth.

*The room goes quiet, you could hear a pen drop.*

Jon face red and full of terror: Wait! That came out wrong!

[dc-universe2]

Damian: do you think I'm going too far?

Jon: no. No, no... you went too far seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

[dc-universe2]

The Chaos of Stars