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The Justice League: AKA one grumpy furry and his emotional support sunshine alien. there’s some other people too idk

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Bruce secretly encourages all of his kids to mess with members of the Justice League, mainly Hal and Ollie, as long as they don't go too far. They keep a scoreboard in the cave for each time they get away with something. Whenever anyone on the JL says anything to him he explains how it's a good training exercise.

Secretly? Secretly?

He and his kids make strategic plans on who to mess with and how

Jason: “you want me to take green lanterns phones every chance it get?”

Dick: “yea, and give it to Bruce each time it’ll be hilarious”

Jason: “why would I give it to b?”

Dick: “trust me, he’s in on it”

Later

Batman: [for the 7th time that day, but in front of the league] “lantern, you left your phone unattended, again”

Hal: “dammit, I swear it keeps disappearing. Where was it?”

Batman: “it was on the bathroom sink, it was opened to the web. Archive of our own, I believe”

Hal: “oh um, what?” [sweating] Never heard of it”

Batman: “sure lanter4life”

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Dick Grayson, age 10, self proclaimed master gymnast, but he’s more well known as Robin, Batman’s first sidekick. Right now he had managed to get ahold of his father’s cowl and cape. It was far too big for him of course, but that didn’t stop him messily putting it on. Speaking in the most deep and gravely voice the small boy could muster he said to himself, “I’m the night.”

He giggled, until he felt a tap to his shoulder. He turned around and saw the Batman himself giving him an unamused look.

“I am the night. You however-” he lightly tapped his forehead “-are my star.”

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A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Makes sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a deathwish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

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one of many ways billy would jeopardise his own secret identity

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Damian: Sometimes I feel like a fish caught in a tank.

Dick: Only you're not a fish.

Damian: Grayson, please.

Dick: You're a wonderful, funny, and talented person who—

Tim: You're a shrimp.

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*Their hotel room gets robbed, they’re listing the items that got stolen*

Dick: One Nintendo DS.

Barbara: Why would you bring a video game on an adults vacation?

Dick: Because it’s awesome. And I’m in love with it. And now several hours have passed and it could be anywhere in the world. Have you contacted Interpol?

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Dick: Start your year off right. On December 31st at 9:15 PM, get under your covers and call asleep. Midnight will pass as you are deep in a peaceful slumber, and your first encounter with the new year will be waking up well-rested to a morning basked in sunlight and a day that's yours for the taking.

Jason: No I am going to do coke.

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If Batman and Spider-Man switched rogues galleries none of their villains would last more than ten minutes against the new enemy

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somebody should kill the joker, because if joker died, jason todd would finally start the therapy, and if he went to therapy, the rest of family would follow out of pure spite

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Gotham believes that Brucie Wayne has no fucking idea what is going on in Gotham on a daily basis. And Bruce loves fucking with them.

Random Gothamite #1: "And Killer Croc almost killed two people-"

Bruce (with broken ribs plus several stitches in his abdomen from Croc's rampage last night): "Killer Croc? Isn't that the character in that new video game?"

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Random Gothamite #2: "Did you hear that Penguin's crew blew up a building on Miagani?"

Bruce (exhausted after dealing with Penguin's gang war): "I thought penguins lived in the north pole?"

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Random Gothamite #3: "Man, it's crazy how Poison Ivy managed to seduce the mayor with her pollen."

Bruce (still stoned from Ivy's plants): "Seduction? What type of weird poison ivy do you get in Park Row? All I get is a rash..."

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What if Jason hadn't gone back to Gotham after his time with the League?

And when Damian goes to live with Bruce he keeps making scathing remarks and comments on "Todd's inadequacies" or something. Someone tries to teach Damian that you shouldn't speak ill of the dead and that everyone is still grieving Jason.

And Damian would be like "But that doesn't apply here?? And why are you grieving?? He's just going to college in Europe??"

I would love to see how that would play out

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it’s a general consensus that batman’s cape is a bigger dimension in the inside where all the little batlings hide but: how do they all move?

do they:

• cling onto batman’s body like a koala?

• do a lil shuffle waltz and waddle with every step?

• wear heelies/ roller skates so they just slide as they cling onto batman’s body?

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Jason : Am I going too far? 

Dick: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

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Jason: Can I shoot him?

Dick: Not in public.

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Robin!Jason: When you say ‘B’ are you calling dad Bruce or Batman?

Dick: …

Dick: I’m actually calling him a bitch

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i support jason todd rights but i also support jason todd wrongs. i love it when he does bad things