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deadlilysgarden · 13 days ago

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wada essay time!! (warning, it's super long.)

i've been thinking a lot about wada and hiroaki's relationship lately. specifically, the way wada expresses physical and verbal affection towards him, because it's different from how he acted towards anyone he's been close to so far. it's super interesting to me, so i wanted to analyze and speculate about it. before i get to that, i want go to through the other major relationships wada's had for comparison, starting with...

wada and tsuno.

tsuno was very generous with showing affection towards wada, often taking him into her arms at the slightest hint of upset, or saying that she loves him out of the blue and then moving on like it was nothing. but wada didn't really return her gestures, or initiate any, so for the longest time i was confused on how he felt about her. in [audio visual experience], when she called him her little brother, he said "you're still running with that?", thinking it's just been a bit. he was keeping her at arm's length, but he still clearly liked and trusted her so... there could be a few possible explanations for that.

some time ago, i said that wada seems like he doesn't really trust words. he looks at people's actions and behaviour, and he believes his own conclusions over what people say. tsuno frequently put up a front around wada, acting way too upbeat during dire situations or hiding when she was upset. she didn't want to burden him with her problems, but it does signal a lack of trust in him and his capabilities to support her back. and wada saw that. he knew that she was stressed and overworked, and that he added to that stress by being constantly sick and breaking down and generally needing a lot of care. but if she's always denying it whenever he brings it up, offering endless reassurances instead, even though those don't really work on him and he knows better... how is he supposed to fully trust her? to truly feel like he stands on level ground with her? so, maybe when he heard tsuno say that she loved him, that he's her little brother, it registered, but he didn't let himself take it to heart. 'maybe she's just saying that, like all these other things. saying what he wants to hear.' and, if she doesn't want his support, to rely on him, then maybe she wouldn't want anything else he has to offer either. wada likes to be of use to people he loves/trusts/is grateful to- so being denied a chance to helpful, being basically deemed in some way 'insufficient' for the task when he was 'taking' so much from tsuno, made him feel even more like a burden.

another possible reason: tsuno was an overwhelmingly kind person, helping others was her main purpose in life. she was a self-proclaimed superhero! so, why would wada believe that he was special to her just because she was kind and warm to him? that's just who she was. that was just a part of the job she took upon herself. so if he let himself be affectionate back, and it turned out that she was only being nice and helpful because that's who she is and not because she cares about him as a person specifically...hhhh...ouch. he's already been way too vulnerable with her. wada's parents hated him, he has been mistreated and unwanted his whole life. pure speculation now, but he might have been burned before, maybe in his foster families or elsewhere, when people made him feel that maybe that was finally it, until inevitably something went wrong. and so now he doesn't let himself get his hopes up without being very sure.

it kinda seems like i'm making wada out to be so distrusting of tsuno, which is not true. wada was audibly comfortable and happy whenever he was with her. wada knew tsuno wanted the best for him because of everything she did, and he was very grateful towards her. by now, i know that he loved her, he just wasn't expressing it very openly like she was.

it's just, the disconnect between tsuno's behaviour and reality, and her refusal to give wada a chance to support her created distance between them. all these factors were muddying the waters and causing him to let his walls down at a snail's pace.

the only time it was different was in the last moments they spend together, during chap 3's investigation. tsuno's manner was noticeably dimmer than usual. first, wada tried to cheer her up by talking about silly topics, like learning to play tuba. finally, he asked her if she was okay. and just because she was vulnerable, he finally had an opportunity to offer support- to be there for her in her grief. she didn't put up a front this time, she treated him as an equal, and was honest. and so, when she said she loved him, he said it back.

i think if tsuno had lived, and started being more real with wada, he might have began feeling more comfortable with expressing affection openly, but...i'm still glad she got to hear that from him, just once.

wada and isono.

isono is tricky, because they spend very little time being real friends, but how he acted towards her parasocially says a LOT about how he acts towards people he loves and admires. even though she was only one of multiple streamers wada watched and supported, she was still incredibly important to him. he had been watching her for long enough for a deep emotional connection to form regardless of whether he knew who she truly was. and, it was very real to him, even though it was one sided.

before the KG, she was his lifeline. although he had no one in his life, through her and other streamers, he felt genuinely cared for. this next part is going to be more speculative... there weren't many reasons for wada to get out of bed, but, whenever isono asked her viewers to take care of themselves, maybe he found it a bit more doable, like it was worth it. and he couldn't really let her down now after she said that, could he? through her, maybe...he found the strength to face another day. again, and again.

he had nothing to offer, but he needed to show his gratitude somehow. well...all he had was the meager amount of money he earned, so, he could support her and others with that. he didn't have a steady or large paycheck, and this money could really be put to a better use, something to truly improve his life, but that didn't matter- the streamers kept him going, they were the only ones he had, really. when they gave him so much, he had to give back, even if he was left with nothing.

presently, she's still the one wada has the deepest emotional connection with. so much so that even after tsuno dies, he still goes to talk primarily to isono's ghost. he feels like he can share everything with her without reservations, as if out of everyone, she was the one that truly cared for and understood him.

before she died, he didn't have many opportunities nor time to open up to her and show her affection, but still, they seemed like they were on the fast track to becoming great friends. isono loved to tease him and play harmless pranks, and she cared about him. they also had a few moments together as a comedic duo. and wada got to meet her, to talk to her, to get to truly know her... it must have been anxiety inducing but, in some way, also a dream come true.

isono's still the most important person to him. there's no comparison. and yet...

wada and hiroaki.

now this. this pair has been driving me crazy since chap 4. even though wada is not nearly as emotionally close with hiroaki as he still is with isono, the way he's acting with him is different than the way he's been with anyone else. after months of me being confused about how wada felt about tsuno cause he's been so closed off, with hiroaki i have zero doubts in my mind that he straight up adores him. it's bewildering.

physical affection. with hiroaki, wada initiated hugs on his own! i don't remember him ever being the one to do that with tsuno, she always had to beckon him towards her. but with hiroaki, he did that two times, completely unselfconsciously, despite hiroaki's protests, just because he wanted to. i didn't think much of it at first because what hiroaki did for him, giving him clothes + a haircut, was so significant that it warranted a big show of gratitude, but taking everything else into account? that was still unusual for wada.

wada's also been very verbally affectionate when the right opportunity presented itself. he's been calling hiroaki nagawa very consistently, but everyone's been calling him that so it's kinda nbd. however, last week's "we love you nagawa!" was like...what? i'm?? months ago i would never ever have guessed that wada would become hiroaki's biggest supporter after ojima. he was so happy at hiroaki making progress, he was almost giddy, and he said that like it was nothing! that sounded like something a fan would shout at their idol to cheer them on, so i had a thought that maybe wada's been feeling a little like hiroaki's something like his oshi. but then he said he was proud of him, and then repeated it again for emphasis. you don't say that to someone when you place yourself below them, you say that to an equal, (although i'm still holding onto the oshi thing). they're both flawed individuals who have difficulties with self-worth and expressing themselves, and who they want to be. hiroaki has very visible problems and weaknesses, he's been struggling hard with changing and growing as a person, and wada can heavily relate to that.

with hiroaki, he's not scared or reluctant of showing affection when he truly feels like it. he just does it. he loved tsuno, but he never was like that with her, so... i just wondered what made the difference.

wada and hiroaki didn't have much of a relationship for the first two chapters, at least on wada's side. he thought hiroaki was a loudmouth and a jerk, as did most other people. also he was lowkey scared of him due to the sketches hiroaki had made of him. that changed in [formentia] when wada watched hiroaki calm hama down from an anxiety attack. that was the first time he truly saw hiroaki's kind side. realizing that there was a lot more to him than meets the eye, he started calling him by his first name from that point on. another scene that was significant for them happened in [the other room], when ojima took wada away from okazaki and tsuno's fight and placed him in the room with hiroaki. despite his pretense of not being concerned, hiroaki offered him reassurance, and they had a nice conversation where they learned more about each other and bonded a little as fellow creatives.

this is a good place to mention that hiroaki also really likes wada, to the point where he doesn't bother denying it anymore. he had been hard at work on a gift for him for two weeks, and the conversations they had in chap 3 made him even more fond of him. so when wada came into the dining hall in [salvage], acting pissed off and shooting hiroaki down for no reason, when he had been nothing but demure and friendly with him so far? it hurt. really hurt, cause he didn't expect that from wada. hiroaki wasn't even being particularly hostile, he was just making a few dumb comments that wada normally wouldn't really react to. he was just being himself, which wada seemed to be accepting of... up until that point. so, in response to what was essentially a jab to the shoulder, hiroaki went straight for the jugular.

after that wada was back to being anxious around hiroaki, even becoming openly hostile and resentful towards him following tsuno's passing. and then it seemed like that was that- their tentative friendship was over... until [grieving process].

tsuno's death was the hardest moment wada's experienced thus far. after the trial, he was just crashing in his room. and here comes hiroaki, respecting wada's coping mechanism despite deriding it before, and making an effort to be vulnerable in front of him. and then... he gave him new custom clothes he had sewn himself, wanting nothing in return.

hiroaki put in hours upon hours of thought, effort and work in order to create something wonderful just for wada, which he didn't have to do at all. but he did, because he wanted to, because he felt wada was worth it. and then, he gave it to him in his darkest hour, to uplift him and give him strength. and so... wada now knows for sure that, no matter what, the person who reached out to him right then with the most thoughtful gesture he's experienced in his life, cannot be anything but kind at his core.

wada relaxes. his body feels lighter than it ever has. without a shred of selfconsciousness, he steps forward and gently wraps his arms around hiroaki. he feels safe. he doesn't pay hiroaki's words and tone any mind. he sees beyond them, and he understands now. he sees him.

that moment was beyond monumental. wada didn't have to do anything to "earn" this, or even ask for it. hiroaki just went completely out of his way, doing something completely selfless, and he didn't do that for anyone else but wada. this gesture was so big, so full of effort and time, so much kindness, specifically for him, it made wada lower down his walls in an instant.

i have no doubt that this made wada feel very special and loved.

it also helped that he definitely likes hiroaki as a person. he doesn't trust him 100%, he still prefers to speak his thoughts to empty air, but he can trust that hiroaki truly likes and cares about him, and that if he hurts him, it's never on purpose.

that. that one thing, hiroaki going above and beyond when he didn't have to, when it was completely unexpected, only for him, was what i think made wada trust him much faster than tsuno. categorizing these relationships, i would put hiroaki closer to isono than to her, which is???? remarkable to me when he knew isono for far longer. don't get me wrong- he LOVES tsuno. i'm not saying that hiroaki's closer to him than her or that wada holds him in higher regard. it's just...different. i'm holding off with the L word for now, even though he said it himself, but still. wada really really likes hiroaki a lot. cannot overstate that enough. despite me trying hard to understand why, it still astonishes me that wada wants to and feels like he can express his affection and support this openly and easily towards anyone. it's incredible. hiroaki didn't want any payment from him, so he just...offers his words and gestures instead. and hiroaki has been so protective of wada it's crystal clear to everyone too, like, tamba saying he dotes on him?? i think a lot of that protectiveness came from tsuno's death, but he's definitely truly fond of wada as a person too.

maybe if wada manages to willingly open up to hiroaki, then i will be able to say with certainty that he loves him.

for the end, i want to talk about [quick check] because it's been driving me bonkers. it's such a weird episode.

in it, wada comes across hiroaki, who checks up on him. and wada, eh...he doesn't really want to elaborate on his mental or overall state, but it seems like he still REALLY wants to have a low-stakes conversation with him. then he asks hiroaki a bunch of questions, which is amazing because he hardly ever asks anyone anything. he's trying really hard here. now this i know is a reach, but when he said like "omg i forgot, ken's waiting for me in my room, i just came here for water"....to me, it sounded a little like he wanted hiroaki to stop him?? to say something like "you're hanging out with hasezawa? that boring old nerd? no way, hang out here with me!" i have nothing to support that claim, it's just funny. but either way, what i'm sure of, just like his every other question, it was meant to act as a springboard for eliciting a sort of response from hiroaki that would get things rolling. buut, instead, all that wada gets are monosyllabic and dry answers...which is sad. at the end, he still waits a few seconds in silence to see whether hiroaki would engage him on his own, but nope. he just wasn't in the mood.

i might be misinterpreting it, but it would make sense with how much wada likes hiroaki. either way, it felt weird as hell... there's just something about it. if this episode turns out to be not in any way relevant to the plot later on i'll eat my hat.

#thinking very hard about this today

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