dear-myself-blog

[dear-myself-blog]

04/01/20

Dear Myself,

I am a liar. I lie about a lot of things. Not just every once in a while, but all the time. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I don't even need to, I just feel like it. I'm not sure if it's to feel in control or just to manipulate. I don't have any desire to tell the truth because I don't really care. I lie to my dad all the time. Tiny white lies, big cover ups, and just stupid shit. Sometimes I lie just to lie. I feel no superiority. I feel no regret. I just do it. Maybe it's for attention. Maybe it's just to stay in control. I'm honestly not sure.

It's honestly gotten to the point where I dont know what's real inside my head anymore. Weather or not I actually feel the way I feel or if I'm just living the lie.

What I do know is that I look at myself and I hate what I see. I judge from a distance. I make small decisions and shame people in my head as well as myself. I'm not a good person. People think I'm good, they think I'm kind and genuine but if you take a good hard look in my brain you'd see the exact opposite. My head is filled with hate and judgement and lies. People are easily fooled. You just have to show them what they want and nothing else and their entire life opens up to you.

This makes me a bad person.

I'm okay with it though because in all reality are there really any good people left?

Sincerely,

Me

[dear-myself-blog]

12/28/19

Dear Myself,

Saw a picture of T while scrolling through facebook. I broke. I can't feel anymore I was so good for almost a month. Now I can't even look at a guy without shivering. How could a person even think that's it's okay to touch a 13 year old girl while she's in tears in the dark. He should have known it wasn't okay and yet I'm the one that could have stopped it. I could have told him no. To his face. I could have but I didn't. I want to be dead. I just want to breathe again but I cant even say no to people. I felt the same way with C when he stayed the night. I like him a lot but I just wasn't ready. I should have told him. I hated touching him. Every second of it.

What do I do? How to i fix it? How do i breathe again? I just want to be at a point where I'm not looking over my shoulder too see if he's there. Just getting gas. Going into the store. Doing anything in public because he could be there and I could break. Again. He broke me. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be gone.

Sincerely,

Me

[dear-myself-blog]

Dear Myself,

11/30/19

I'm worried about M. I think she's starting to spiral. She got unbelievably drunk last night, slipped on ice, and busted her chin open. She has to go to the ER to get stitches. She doesn't drink for a reason. M is always the sober one or high one because she knows how bad she gets when she's drunk. The poor girl breaks into a million pieces. So why did she drink last night? What pushed her hard enough to get to that point?

I hate not being able to fix things and I feel like I can't fix anything. C and I have been good but I keep getting that feeling that he's going to fuck me over just like everyone else. We were laying in bed the other day and he got sent nudes from some girl and he saw that I saw it. He immediately blocked her but was that just because I was there. I don't know any girls that would just send a random nude without any context. Also the other nights at AU's house he barely talked to me. He sat on the other side of the room and left halfway through the party.

Dad and L are back together again. I guess that's just fuckin lovely. I hate them together. I just want to be in college and out of here:(

Sincerely,

Me

[dear-myself-blog]

Dear Myself,

11/19/19

Day 2 of complete and utter nothingness. I have yet to go to school this week. Probably not the smartest thing considering graduation is in 6 months. Graduating would be extremely helpful in future endeavors, yet I have absolutely no motivation to attend or work for a future.

One Day I'll be happy. Either be happy or dead. One or the other, neither of which would be too awful.

I spoke with the family tonight. He's still away at bootcamp but will be home soon which makes things a little better. It gives me something to look forward to. We are throwing a party for him when he gets home. I'm incredibly excited to see his stupid face.

I'm going to go to school tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Me

[dear-myself-blog]

Dear Myself,

11/18/19

It's been a long time since I was happy, not for any reason in specific but all of life's events haven't exactly helped the situation. I dont really remember being happy. Sure, I have happy moments, but as soon as they're over my brain goes back to black. Last night I slept with him for the first time. Not exactly the wisest decision considering. I don't have feeling for him. Well not exactly. I can fantasize but it's never him. It's always just a thought. I don't want to be with him. He's not right for me and I dont know how to explain that to him. He's a sweetheart but doesn't understand me or how I work. My brain instead of fixing the problem has decided that leaving itself in unhealthiness is better. So I fall apart. I drink. I smoke. I sleep. I break. I have no desire.

I slept today. From 10pm till 2pm. 14 hours to be exact. I needed it. These past few weeks have beaten me up and spit me out in the gutter. My mother has pushed me too far. Not by her actions but simply by her presence. Her just being here makes me so angry and so sad all at once I dont know how to handle it. So I dont. I kind of just let it sit and build up. Which again isnt the healthiest but oh well. That's all for now.

Sincerely,

Me