decadweeb

[decadweeb]

I have a feeling I’ll die young anyways

[decadweeb]

left-handed handshakes in a back room

[decadweeb]

[decadweeb]

my gut clenches at a raised voice

I roll over after a sharp look

Nothing…

ever came from these things. I was never beaten or starved.

But sometimes. she would go into a blinding rage. so overtaken that she doesn’t even know what she’s doing. And I’m afraid afraid afraid.

I’m the one that escaped! I’m making a big deal out of nothing!

but

[decadweeb]

Living the same circumstances in a different body.

I pray the reflection distorts.

I’m forced to face prophecy. The sky is empty.

The sky and the sea.

Two images matching with only a horizon between them. Perfect reflections.

An apparition walks ahead of me- a premonition of my actions.

She doesn’t ever acknowledge me and

Sometimes I fear that it is I who is ghost.

[decadweeb]

almanac:

whistling ducks every evening

azaleas

[decadweeb]

Am I trying to excuse bad behavior? I am afraid to be what my mom was.

Am I overreacting? Am I taking this out to be worse than it was?

This fucking trauma that I can’t remember is getting in the way of everything I s2g. At least I hope that’s what it is. It feels like I keep getting pulled repeatedly off track. Ughhhh.

I think I dissociated again? If that’s what this is- maybe

I am so especially sensitive to anything that can be perceived as harsh or critical. I’m tempted to say because I had to. Because that’s what that always meant. Which I can’t afford to escalate so I throw myself to the floor to be walked all over. That seems too dramatic to be true…

But I think it is????

I am so afraid of anger. So so so afraid of anger. Please don’t release it through me.

It’s happened 4 times before. Where I thought the anger might kill me. I believe twice in the car. Not too sure about the other times. I’m trying to trigger the memory but it ain’t working

[decadweeb]

I am so especially sensitive to anything that can be perceived as harsh or critical. I’m tempted to say because I had to. Because that’s what that always meant. Which I can’t afford to escalate so I throw myself to the floor to be walked all over. That seems too dramatic to be true…

But I think it is????

I am so afraid of anger. So so so afraid of anger. Please don’t release it through me.

It’s happened 4 times before. Where I thought the anger might kill me. I believe twice in the car. Not too sure about the other times. I’m trying to trigger the memory but it ain’t working

[decadweeb]

quirk kiss verge in knee ah nah

till and seeya use sin wait ease

pine us tie aid uh

[decadweeb]

cider block houses

Pinus taeda + Quercus virginiana

green till and seeya hangs

[decadweeb]

crosshatch n scratchy guitar

haloed by the porch light

intermittent puffs of smoke, vapor

crowd riffs and drunken laughs

walk through a long exposure photograph to a similar looking past

the azaleas are still blooming

the chilled night air feels the same on my skin

the difference is I’m not alone anymore

-

climb up the tree for a good shot

oranges hang just out of reach

citrus aurantium I say

[decadweeb]

I wanna do like a diary entry... bc why not. also I'm bored. I'm kinda annoyed because I was suppost to have a therapy appointment today that got cancelled. and I'm just now processing my childhood emotional abuse. so it sure would be nice if I had a licensed professional to help me train my thought patterns. whatever. I'm not overwhelmed by memories anymore, but they do pop up. today I remembered my mom lying that she had a heart attack to make me feel guilty for not answering when she called me. no wonder I'm not a well-adjusted adult lol.

I've been listening to a lot of fob recently. I'm also going to a concert this weekend for some band my friend is into.

My headspace has been strange the past few days, but not as bad as it sometimes can be. I think I've been like this for a long time without ever noticing it. I can't remember too much of my childhood.., but like- how much is normal? I remember some things. Memories are so strange. It's crazy that in the moment, you don't even know you're creating a memory. like my strongest memories are pretty mundane. I remember quite a few walks to the bus stop when I was in kindergarten. oh and a fifth grader reading the princess and the frog to me and a friend on the way to school. but I don't remember who my friends were or what I liked to do or any special events. hmmm. Every once in a while I'll think 'oh this is definitely going to be something I remember for a long time!' but I don't think that has actually been true. I remember a lot of things only after writing them down. I also know I have willed memories away.

More about truama... being a teenager sucked. In my family, as soon as you start having a mind of your own- you start getting hurt. Man, they are just MEAN. I tried to stay away as much as possible. mom did it too. I tried to leave too. I remember not having a job/support meaning I was unable to emancipate myself at 16 (I think I started looking around 15).

The sky is blue and the clouds are pink as the sun sets. there has been a nice breeze that has made spending time outside really nice recently. I haven't gone out much. burned a cd at the library with all of fall out boys bonus tracks/b-sides. I love pavlove. and GINASFS. I'm jealous of the lyricism. sometimes the words explain exactly something I'm feeling. sometimes it's just the way its said or how the guitar is played or the pattern of the drums. ugh. but for about 10 years it was my four walls and I. and just... waiting til I could leave basically. then the next 5 years were dedicated to realizing things, and then unrealizing them for my own safety. n now. idunno. hopefully I can move on. not sure who I even am. it doesn't mean anything to be the perfect daughter if theres no parents to please. I'm pretty angry bout all this but I'm mostly sad. and confused.

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[decadweeb]

It seems like I get bad only when things are going well. Like maybe my brain is like *perfect now you can process this*

[decadweeb]

*gives baby me a hug*

this is from a few days after my 16th birthday

[decadweeb]

12-28-24

Stuck in a half-moon holidaze

Half missing making bad memories

Half missing something I’ve never had

[decadweeb]

being a floridian means seeing the places most meaningful to you destroyed bc of the whims of a businessman. who has never seen the centuries old live oak. who has never smelled the sickly sweet magnolia in the night. who has sucked the back of a honeysuckle flower. never scratched themself in the bramble. he who doesn’t have a favorite kind of shell. he who scorns immigrants and praises investors.

there is a fierceness that Florida has given me. that you can’t take away. a community you have never seen. and a resolve that the businessman feeds as the next strip mall is built.

[decadweeb]

tear up the asphalt so you can pour the concrete once again

bury me in that pavement grave

The hospital I was born in existed for 100 years before being turned into a parking lot for the ‘innovation district’