decaysol

[decaysol]

Fuck you fuck you fuck you

[decaysol]

I learnt a language I can't use

Every word fights the spirit

The culture hates people and spits on relationships

It doesn't feel it doesn't cry it doesn't get it

I learnt a language that hates myself and everyone around it

A tongue that bites itself with every word and bleeds freely

Unintelligible gibberish and shards to hurt with, it severs my soul from others

The English

[decaysol]

Oh. I'm constantly stressed because I've trained myself to practically be working 24/7 observing shit and making plots nonstop as an artist. I don't just enjoy things for what they are anymore. I've been existing like that for years and always think other people are "normal" and I'm not for a reason. Holy shit.

[decaysol]

Perverted things are called perverted for a reason, reason being it can lead to a state of overstimulation and low level constant agitation and sensitivity to the triggers, be it porn or masturbation or sexual indulgences. This pries internal peace and control out of your hands if it is not eventually calmed down and handled properly. I think this is rather important that I had to relearn.

[decaysol]

Groudedness is looking at the state of you and the details and the reality of it and attending to it lovingly, attending and attuning to your environment and treating them as they needed, prioritizing your own health and future, prioritizing the simple now and the little that needs to be done and resting, knowing that what we need is peace and health and holistic health and capability and cultivating strength and morals for ourselves instead of fulfilling some sort of emotional hunger. Keeping yourself healthy and functional and caring about it. Learning and doing. Listening to the body instead of some weird shit from the internet. Eating sleeping exercising hygiene.

[decaysol]

Troubleshoot: Sins against my own body

Consequences: major migraines

Supposed Goal: sustaining a healthy life as principle

Sins:

Caffeine

Emotional suppression

Not liking to move and stone cosplay

Not listening to my body

Ungroundedness and hanging out in the digital and fictional sphere aka mental overstimulation

Not exercising

Overexcitement

No awareness/mindfulness and not checking in with yourself and forgetting the need to be healthy

Sleeping late

Not asking for help

Not socializing enough and not trusting people

No holistic body movement and goals, no awareness of wtf you're doing

Eating up personal time with scrolling

Too full mental schedule

No record of life

No self preservation values

No rejection of discomfort

No observation of reality

Committing actual sins knowing it'll harm myself in the future

Thinking of upsetting things too much

Caring too much about other people's problems and life instead of my own

Not putting care of my life and health and responsibilities at the topmost priority.

Not eating healthy and clean foods

Eating too much fried foods and caffeine and sugar

Too much sleep

Bad hygiene

Stubbornness

And so on.

[decaysol]

It's all just development again...

[decaysol]

All my sins are biting me in the ass karma is real because if you make yourself complacent decisions to avoid shit you train yourself to be lazy or greedy or horny in fact you will keep making the same lazy and greedy mistakes because you're technically good at it now and it's easier and then you make more mistakes and fuck up your life more. In fact life just goes at one speed and sings one song and I still can't catch up it is my own fault. And knowing people pick that shit up is why I have judgment ocd. Yowza

[decaysol]

So all my problems are from not cherishing myself and my penchant for self torture. I forget to please myself as a people pleaser. Awesome.

[decaysol]

I resented having to wear human skin again because that also means taking up all my responsibilities again and also trying to get back on gods path and the universes one song

I went out w my guy gang and I just can't stomach any more chit chat anymore seeing everyone so normal and then there's me, murky with the darkest aura and every thought and belief misplaced and anti-life it's just annoying to be alive at this point 👁️👁️ even having a crush is an obvious sign of how my dysfunction is and i just hate the thought that I will be found out if I ever said anything about any feeling I have. my whole life I hated the fuckor of having everything I feel obvious to everyone but me is the most fucked and frustrating thing. I am too aware of that and whatever stupid social intricacies I just want to fucking end myself than participate in social settings. I'm not supposed to think like this I'm supposed to have hope in life /_\

[decaysol]

couldn’t stop thinking about this post

[decaysol]

OP: Back when I was young, I couldn’t afford nice clothes. Now, I buy pretty dresses for the 18-year-old me. (cr 农村的陈奶奶)

[decaysol]

How to be myself if my instinct is to talk shit all day and blab on and on about nothing and hurt people

[decaysol]

Trying to get through repenting and remorse to cleanse the spirit to return to virtues from the depths of sins is like how they describe the bends

[decaysol]

Life won't get any easier on physics so we can only try to stay in clarity..

[decaysol]

Bad karma compounds exponentially

You need time to fix mistakes

Time to fix feelings

Broken relations

Time to fix bad Habits

Time and energy to retract from indulgences

All wasted

All fucks up your good karma habits and inertia and clarity and so on.

Bad choice

[decaysol]

Fasting from any and all indulgences is the first step to changing bad habits. Builds the restraints and control back up. Not having my fancy snacks or going out with friends is also a blessing I give myself and the right way.