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[decova]

Aching Nostalgia featuring One Direction (original)

Everything fucking hurts, even good memories. Good memories are supposed to make you feel better but why do they make me cry? I'm far from okay at this moment then suddenly flashbacks slipped in my thoughts. I was fucking happy for real. My childhood was bomb as fuck! I would never regret being a hardcore fan girl back then when I was 10 - 12 years old. That was the time I decided that I'm over with bows and tiaras. Dad gifted me with an iPad and I was introduced to a funny world — the internet! I knew Taylor Swift — well, who wouldn't? — and I looked at pictures of her and saved them to my iPad like a cliché 10-year-old living in 2012. Then, I saw in the suggested searches some pictures of her with a guy called 'Harry Styles'. I was clueless of who this Harry Styles is. When I looked up pictures of him, I immediately find him attractive and discovered that he is in a band. I searched One Direction on YouTube and became familiar with their songs. I became a fan. To cut the story short, a lot of things had happened during my 3-year phase. There is a Zayn Malik doll involved, shit ton of posters and magazines, 1D pyjamas and shirts, twitter fan accounts, sleep deprivation moments, online voting, squealing, and lot of crying. My personal fave left the group and I was left devastated. It was the end of the phase — and eventually my childhood. They broke up before I enter high school and I had high hopes for high school. Unfortunately high school is a torture chamber, no explanation needed and I am not even being over dramatic.

I'm still in the torture chamber and it gets worse. My life has been a series of constant pain I cannot escape. And tonight, 12:19AM, I am drowning. I WAS FUCKING HAPPY BACK THEN! Happiness is not impossible. If I encounter a genie or something I would wish to travel back in time and be stuck in it. The time of bliss and self-discovery. The time it was easy. The time that my worries were only fandom wars. The time I was still a kid rushing to be a teenager. Now that I'm 17, I want to tell my 10-year-old self to savour the phase. That's the only time it would be raining happiness so get a load of it! I still have a lot of responsibilities to attend to and drama to face. Wish me luck or not.

[decova]

A Pity Friend

I'm the type of friend you all secretely hate but feel obligated to bring along. I'm your pity friend. You are only my friend because you pity me. I only matter because you benefitted from me before and to honor your pride, you need to return the favor. At first, I am tolerable. I am just a puppy to your circle of friends. But I grew closer to you, you made me believe that you are true friends. I became clingy to the point that I would invite myself to the plans you made. You became my favorite group of people and I prioritized all of you. For a moment, I was happy. I was happy because finally after being labeled as an outcast for a long time, I found the group of people that accepted me. Unfortunately, it was all a stupid mistake. I became intolerable and you were forced to lie just to distance yourselves from me. You secretly made plans without me and when you were caught, you told me that you forgot to invite me. I let those events where I was uninvited slip. My treatment towards you did not change even though your treatment towards me became awful. Maybe you just cannot put up with the act anymore so you had to blatantly signal me to stay away a couple of times. Stupid me still managed to tag along. Thankfully, you made this thing that woke me up from reality. For me, that was the last straw. I'm done being stupid. If you don't want my company, then I'll distance myself. If I'm just going to be a pity friend then I'll choose to have no friends at all.