decrep1tfl3shmvncher

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

i dont understand, i want so badly to litter my body with scars again, to empty myself entirely of everything that could possibly be in my stomach. yet i find myself hesitating. As though my body knows better than my mind. but it hurts to know ive become so weak, no longer capable of disciplining myself. i no longer know what to do. I find myself extremely uncomfortable in my own body and sometimes feel as though im not in control of it. Its too much. It becomes too much all at once.

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

Ive been falling into binging again fue to my anxiety of gaining. im trying to remond myself its important to just listen to my body. i hate feeling sick after eating, and just pure disgust with myself. but then when i do eat some times i just over due it. i think its due to fear of not having food in my childhood house for long periods of time and feeling the need to consume what i see and not worry about bot having enough. but then i eat too much, like i just really struggle to understand when im full. i know it will get easier after time, its just really tough right now. its hard looking at myself and being reminded of my HW. Its just overwhelming. I love to do sit ups and have been doing them a lot lately, but i get a rug burn on my tailbone from doing it so much and its left a scar that just makes me feel even more disgusted so i wont do them for a few days. I havent gound any workouts that make me feel good like they do but i need to keep trying. anyways this is totally just a rant to myself, just venting out of frustration. hopefully ill see some results soon.

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

holy moly i fr let go of myself. got super chonk in tha face and got dayum my stomach is always bloated. i know being skinny tastes so much better than anything else. i feel this time will be better than the last. i will hit my lowest this time. i can feel it. lots of black coffee and working out. finding the proper meals to fuel myself on and yet bot get bloated. this time i will do it right.

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

MISERYMISERY MISERYMISERYYMISERYMISERYMISERY MISERYYMISERY MISERYMISERY MISERYYMISERY MISERYMISERYYY

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

currently am 4 days w no nicotine and i feel really good. i can breathe so much better already, but fuuuck i want one kind of badly. it pops up in my head every now and then and i do my best to just push it aside, but i miss it. i miss hitting it when id get hungry and instanly feeling better. i miss feeling sick and knowing that i was evidently hurting myself. but i know thtat if i want to live a decently normal life i need to quit. there is so much more to enjoy than hitting a nic bar.

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

Paranoia ྀི

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ ⋆｡𖦹°‧★ ₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ ⋆｡

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ ⋆｡𖦹°‧★ ₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊ .𖥔 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪⚝₊ ⊹˚ ⋆｡

so paranoid it makes me want to bl33d out so i dont have to listen to these thoughts anymore

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

i often wonder to myself if i will ever be perfect.

i dont even believe there is such thing as perfect,

but will i ever be enough for myself?

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

i want 2 make sik y2k magazines w photos of my own so bad^~^

ロッキング・オン・ジャパン　H 2000年2月増刊号

H エイチ Vol.32 2000年2月 椎名林檎 カヒミ・カリィ 江國香織 野村佑香 「東京花子」創刊

ロッキング・オン・ジャパン　H　GIRLS OF THE YEAR　2000年2月増刊号　椎名林檎　吉川ひなの　匿名配送 匿名配送

H(エイチ) 2000年2月号 VOL.32 表紙・特集：椎名林檎 吉川ひなの カヒミ カリィ ソニア パーク、hitomi

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

Im always struggling with bodysmorph but at least i can feel my bones<<33TwT

no matter what stage my body is in i am finally able to believe in myself and trust that i will never let go. i adore these bones too much to let it all crumble away.

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

washboard abs? nah im going for more of a wasboard ribs kinda luk^>~•^

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

never enough for myself

s00n i will b content

[decrep1tfl3shmvncher]

i feel like i cant even post after having my accounts deleted the same day i make them

tumblr has become soft🚮