dedandnotalive

[dedandnotalive]

I love being the least favorite :))))))))))))))))))))))

[dedandnotalive]

I literally don’t understand any of what we’re supposed to be doing and I literally hate it with my whole heart I don’t know how to do anything and I’m a failure it’s great! Also I’m being pissed off and this close to committing murder of everyone in this room.

[dedandnotalive]

I honestly don’t even want to do this.

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Not only am I stressed, but I also feel useless

[dedandnotalive]

I don’t approve of how stressful this is, and I don’t want help, but also no one else even cares enough to say anything or notice that I’m stressing out!

[dedandnotalive]

I hate being an overly emotional egotistical narcissistic jerk.

[dedandnotalive]

I really, really don’t like my dad.

I honestly am not sure if I’m allowed to vent abt this.

Tw: Abuse (?), SA (??)

I really don’t even know at this point. Actually, I didn’t know at any point.

I also would prefer for my IRLs not to read this unless I give them explicit permission.

Im just gonna list things and do certain instances and stuff bc I don’t even know.

- My dad has almost thrown multiple items at me (shoe, phone), because he was mad at me, or I wasn’t expressing enough emotion, or smth. I’m not even sure.

- He’s yelled at me for not talking in a car, not eating certain types of food

- He openly disrespects my boundaries that I’ve openly told him (not liking to be touched in any way unless I’m the one who initiates it) by crying and saying that it’s his way of showing love, and getting upset with me.

- When I get sent to bed (usually at 9:40) if I don’t lay down and go to sleep immediately, I get my phone and iPad taken for months, and everything in it gone through.

- He’ll make me sit on his lap, even after I’m experiencing extreme discomfort (which is painfully obvious), and try to get up. He’ll also request for me to lean into him, and put my arms around him. He’ll also put his hands on my waist, and I’ll move them, and then he’ll put them back. He also will kiss my nose, cheeks, and sometimes mouth, not very often, and I try to avoid it, but it happens anyway.

- I’ve gotten in trouble for not showing exactly what I’m doing at that exact moment if I’m on a device (in private, not public. I normally don’t use devices outside of my house unless I’m with friends)

- I’ve gotten in trouble for texting my friends (people he at least has met)

There’s prolly more, I can’t think of it though.

[dedandnotalive]

Actually: I do drink coffee. There’s allot u don’t know abt me, now isn’t there? U just refuse to accept that fact. I’m being passive agressive, I know, but I’m trying to get things back to normal AND UR MAKING AN ISSUE BETWEEN US AN ISSUE BETWEEN EVERYONE

[dedandnotalive]

*undoes my interest so i can just let it rot in my head forever*

[dedandnotalive]

i cant sleep without nightmares so might as well not sleep at all

[dedandnotalive]

does anyone even care abt me? I think im the least favorite. i dont think any of my friends properly care

[dedandnotalive]

just stop crying. Just stop wanting to cry. Just stop caring.

[dedandnotalive]

this is worthless I’m worthless everyone hates me I should die

[dedandnotalive]

i cant believe its turned into addiction

blood is great

it tastes like rust

cut the fingers open and then use ur other hand and the blood will go all the way down ur hands and soak ur whole body

destroy urself from the inside out bc thats all you have left to do

think abt killing urself but never act on it, not even when holding the knife up to ur throat, bc u actually have something to live for that you dont wanna give up

destroy urself

internally kill urself but act the same on the outside

thats the only way to surivive this shit

[dedandnotalive]

im trying so hard please just dont give up on me i just want to help i just want to help

[dedandnotalive]

guys can i be vulnerable. or will i be killed

[dedandnotalive]

fucking die you bastard.

Yeah i would've picked today if it was an option

f fuck you