deepestcognition

[deepestcognition]

Doubt

In myself. In my ability. Of my worth. I feel like I can't do anything right like I'm not worth anything because there's just so much to fix. It feels like I would have to build a new person in order for me to feel satisfied with myself. Then I wouldn't be myself, but then what am I? I'm unhappy, with myself and my abilities. You ask me what can I offer, absolutely nothing. I'm not outstanding in any skill set. Nothing I do is good enough. I feel so small and insignificant, I'm constantly overthinking situations. It's hard, to keep pushing. I feel alone, constantly. It doesn't go awake. What else can I do? I don't know anymore..

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Its all in your head

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You're only as lonely as you feel

[deepestcognition]

Reflection

I don’t write on here nearly as much as I feel like im supposed too. It’s kind of therapeutic to take time out of the day to express how I feel, what I’m thinking. It helps me organize my thoughts, make them coherent and revise able. 

I guess I’ll pick a topic, motivation. 

It’s truly admirable when I see people that are sure, genuine and honestly sure that they’ve found their place; their craft. Sometime I feel people persuade themselves to forcefully accept something that they don’t really want. Like it’s easier to tell yourself “I want to be biochemist because I want to save lives” then to say “I’m going to be a biochemist because I spent all this time and money, suffering towards this goal”. Aimlessly walking towards your destination, with out a clue what’s going to be there. You make assumptions and try to paint a picture as close to reality, sometimes it’s just not true. People change, their interests, beliefs, prospective. I can say for a fact that I am not the same person I was when I first started college. It scares me that I have to follow a plan that I made for myself when I was 18. I know nothing now, imagine how oblivious I was 4 years ago. If you really look at it 4 years isn’t that long ago. What have I learned in those 4 years, I knew nothing then and I know nothing now. Will I ever grow out of this perpetual state of “not-knowing”. 

What do I want to do with my life? 

Textbook question, deserving of a textbook answer. I want to get my degree, start working in my field. Get my phD or MA degree then be set. You see how empty that answer is? It’s like reciting a scheme that has been drawn out with the wrong intentions and you’re just following the plan because this is what you believe is to be true. I’m struggling in undergrad, how tf am I suppose to go to graduate school? What am I doing in graduate school? Why am I struggling so hard in undergrad? The answer is motivation. My only motivation is to; not disappoint my parents, pay off my loans, not fail myself. I made this long term goal what does that say about me if I can’t accomplish that. Work so hard for so long, for what? To spend the rest of your life doing something you don’t love doing. Yea it’s interesting but all it will ever be is tolerable and safe. I just hope I will grow to truly and honestly love what I do. This is what i want, to find something i can pour my heart into. I honestly want to help people, I want to make a difference and leave this shit place better then I found it.

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Genuine

1. I care too much what people think of me. 2. I worry that they think I'm quiet and shy. Like I don't talk or have a voice. 3. I'm constantly scared I'll say something stupid, so I prefer to just not speak. 4. I don't know if I don't talk because I don't have any thoughts on a topic Or if it's because I'm afraid what other people will think of my thoughts. 5. I want to open up to people. I just don't know how too. 6. I'm terrible at communicating my thoughts to people in words, in a way that other people will understand me 7. I feel stagnent, like nasty pool water 8. I'm afraid of what people think of me. So much that with every stupid decision I make. I think of it for hours . 9. I'm afraid that I made the wrong life choice. What if I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. 10. I worry people qonr mewsjh;(ifellasleepthere) won't like me and talk to other people about me. 11. I say I'm ok with being a loner. But actually I want friend. A good number of people i really get along with, can be myself, and let go of the filters a little. 12. I filter my thoughts and what I say wwaaayyy too much to a point of just not saying what I wanted to say. 13. I feel my emotions are never genuine. I'm constantly fake and trying to put up an image. I do this because if I don't I'll never get friends. 14. Its so hard to met people and get to know them. 15. In college I feel like I'm forceing every friendship to happen. Nothing feels genuine and fluid. 16. I honestly don't want to talk to you. But I stand here making small talk because that's how I think friendships are formed. No friendships are formed when you talk about real shit But you can't do that of the bat. You need to build up to it And someone has to be vulnerable. 17. I don't know how to build friendships. I hate talking to People about pointless shit. But that's societies rules. I'm honestly trying to be honest now. For once.

[deepestcognition]

[deepestcognition]

Your baby daddy ain't a DJ

Ext. Tent before Concert - DUSK

Pat: oh my god, are you done?!? Jesus the line is getting longer. Hurry up!

Ive: Chill that line ain't going no where.

Pat: Dude I wanna see him like I my face type of see him!

Ive: ok ok i'm done, happy.

Pat: Man I've been waiting years to see him, don't take this away from me.

Sucks that my phone had to die like literally short circuit 2 days before. All I have left is a wispy image of his face being about 2 feet away. All the images and lights surrounding me. The hour wait before it actually began, the amount of psych-hypes (When the crowd be getting hyped for just about every person that walks up on the stage). Looked at his face the entire time and got lost in the sounds I didn't even know he could make. The pain filled performance. Mic drop unable to pick back up. Spectacular.

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First Week at UCSD

You did it! You’re finally here! Congratulations! you get to spend $15,000 on tuition every year for education that was free at community.  

Jokes aside, feel proud. I know you act like it’s whatever, that it doesn’t really matter where you go as long as you can find a job after but the matter of fact is you do care. You’ve been working 3 years to finally be in this stupid school. Even if you can’t admit it to yourself, you know damn well you’re happy to be here. 

Honestly, I really want this to be the experience I’ve dreamed of having 3 years ago. I’m really trying to make it happen,  signed up for surf lessons (ITS FINALLY HAPPENING) , rushing for a frat, trying to be social? That last one is really conditional. But you’re doing everything you set out to do, truly person of you word. Now don’t fail any of your classes or else you would really be screwed. Make friends please, you need to make some lasting relationships no more of that temporary shit. Let’s be realistic tho you’re probably not going to speak to any of these people after graduation. Next on the list, is get a research opportunity somewhere volunteer or paid. Most likely gonna have to free work but hey you’ll get to work in a lab finally. 

Oh god I’m scared, What if I slip up? The amount of fucked I would be in, would be unreal. Keep focused stay strong. Don’t settle. Don’t slack off. Confidence. Stop caring what people think.

“The only thing that’s in between you and doing the things you’ve always wanted to do, is doing it. “ 

Best piece of advise out there. 

And you miss Koda as always. little Usk-usk is away from mommy. You’re constantly thinking about him. Little fluffy angel. 

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Photo by Michael Durana

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Parsons landing

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Past Year

Life was good, i had my dogs with me , my grades were on track. Getting ready to transfer and truly questioning what I wanted from life. It was a year of self development and realization. Finally took up my very first job learned a lot about people and about myself. 21 years old and now I’m starting to feel like a full fledged adult. 

This is also the first year I was homeless. Maybe not in a box behind Walmart but homeless non the less. I’m a hobo with a little money to keep a roof over my head. Jumping from airbnbs, hotels, couches haven’t had to spend the night in my car yet .... yet. It really allows you to look at life in a different prospective, humbling and appreciative of the little things. Like having water and food. Showers are a god send. A comfortable bed and blankets are luxuries I never thought I’d be stripped of. 

I’ve endured more then I thought i was ever capable of, It truly makes you feel like you’ve done it all. Its all about the experience in the long run isn’t it? I’ve never been more stressed or depressed in my life. I don’t know, but I think people need hardships in their life. There no better way to learn then from experience. Sometimes I wonder if god kicks you in the face so you’ll talk to him. I’ve spoken to him more in the past few days then the entire year. I’ve cried more in the past few days then the past decade. I haven’t felt this hopeless in a long time. Honestly I’m ok with it. 

[deepestcognition]

Places to Check out when you got the time

Northern Cal

1. Sykes Hot Springs, Big Sur (big sur in general)

turns out its a 9 mile hike - up and down 2 days minimum 

and people are gross . cross it out of your list

Southern Cal

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Age is the unit which you measure experience, so no it's not just a number.

[deepestcognition]

Dream, Nightmare whatever you wanna call it

I just woke up from one of these. Though in the dream I was pretty darn scared, when i look back it doesn't seem to bad. However, It most defiantly has grounds for a horror film. So I dont forget it , also for my reference. 

I’ve just turned 21, to celebrate I decide to go on a roudtrip/hike with one of my friends we are going to call her Nida, our dogs came along as well. I’m currently a  medical student, unhappy with my choice but it is the choice I’ve taken. My talents and passion lies in the law, I dreamed of going into law school and becoming a lawyer but for reasons unknown, I am stuck in medical. I’m a rebellious person, I wont submit to something I don’t believe in . Other words, I don’t like “following rules”. 

We get in the car with the dogs heading towards our destination, have a nice time run out of gas, are hungry, whatever in the dream it isn’t specified. We stop by a Tavern in the Mountains, more like a little town actually, for visualization google Cold Spring Tavern ,looks like that. With our dogs we approach this cute little tavern the people are sweet, extremely sweet. Most places can’t take your dog in public areas but here they allowed it even for someone like my dog. Who rude at times isn’t well mannered, harmless just rude. 

We place an order and the people are telling us the road are unsafe whatever this late at night, Insisted that we stay in one of the lodges free if charge. They were genuinely concerned with our well being, as if there was something to be afraid of. We took their advice stayed at the lodge planned to leave at first light. 

The lodge was a simple room nothing special 2 queen bed with a closet and a bathroom. We wake up for some reason can not leave also not specified in the dream. End up staying there a couple of days. 

In this few days we learn about the people and their culture. There was a law professor in the town, retired so he decided to go back to his home town. Some reason I speak with him, dream didnt specify what but he likes me, tells me I have the mind to be a lawyer. He lectures at the town from time to time and tells me to attend them maybe I will switch my major to law. 

The people in this town are very welcoming. They show us around since this is a place in the woods it’s beautiful with all the waterfalls and the springs nearby truly amazing. The architecture looks like its part of the forest being entwined in the vines. These people have some silly rules that I don’t agree with (don’t go in the woods or something, some practical rules some not) I do something that upset the village people. They deem me rebellious . For context sake, let just say I decided to explore the area around sunset came back to the village around nightfall. In a distance I hear screaming, It was raining i could hear her body being dragged on the mud. I was looking from the bottom of the hill, all this took place around the top -mid section so all i saw was a silhouette. She wasn’t being dragged by anything but she was dragging on the floor. You see hands from the ground take her. It all stops. I rush back to the lodge afraid of whatever that is going to come after me. 

Next day, people now know I’ve broken the rules. I’m deemed rebellious. They request that I leave for my safety. 

History of this town: Being a common stop for travelers dating back to the 1600s they got robbed allot. Like a shit ton, had their village burned, their women raped. Soon the people of the village started robbing and killing, each other, committing crimes against one another. This will only lead to the demise and ultimately extinction of the town. In desperate attempt in trying to save this society they’ve all built. The rules have to be enforced. They looked towards the spirits for protection they believed the forest had powers. Someone conjured up a demon basically takes anyone that breaks these rules. People cant control these demons so basically live in fear of them. Even if they don’t believe in these rules anymore. That is what is written those are the rules that is what most be followed for anyone that stepped foot on the land. Enforcement, The demons only punish at 6 pm. If your out at 6 pm there’s a chance you might get caught in the crossfire. But generally if your not on the hit list, your fine. Unless your in the woods where you shouldn’t be that type of stuff gets you on the list. 

I’m not sure if this was apart of it but in the dream. My dog was like a guardian the monsters backed off when i was near him. I have a Husky closely resembles a wolf. I can get creative and say there’s a linage of wolf that  could see and fought these things, in return the demons fear them. 

I did something that got me on the hit list. The people warned me to leave for my safety. Now what I didn’t know and most people didn’t know, once the hit is on you, you most die. Even if you leave the place It will follow you and ultimate take you one way or another. Even if i left this thing will still follow me. Only way to get away is if someone of the village takes your place.  The professor lectured and I stayed there listing he asked me a question and I answered; For Context , we can make this questions deep and about humanity. Although controversial the professor agreed with my answer. In my dream he told me to make something of my life,  be the change I want to see and make a difference. He also told me 6:00 they will come for me, not just me but my dog as well. Since he’s my guardian. “Be great” he stabs himself with his bloody shaking hand he place it on my head does  quick chant at the end says 6 O’clock and passes. I look at the time it is 5:50. I run to the lodge to grab my dog, and tell my friend we have to go. He’s gotten out and is somewhere in the village, I tell my friend to get in the car and be ready to leave at 6 even if i dont make it back in time. i scream desperately for his name. Begging he’ll hear me, I’m starting to hear noises now from the demon. I hear a whelp in the forest, I run to it i see my dog laying there bloody and bearly breathing. 5:57 , I can see them now. One of them is standing over him, this thing stabs me from the back as i carry Koda in my arms. running for the car. This thing somehow locked the car before i could get in. I break the window and put Koda through it. Tell my friend to leave, reluctantly she does. It’s 6 O clock I’m in the middle of the road bleeding out, I pass out. Wake up in a hospital some how i survive reason unknown not disclosed in the dream. screwed being a doctor and went for law. 

Since it is a dream not all of it makes logical sense. There’s alot of gaps in the story. Not everything is explained in details in a dream and this is also a quick draft so grammar spelling, formal punctuation Isn’t included. In a revise version i will be more coherent. This is for my reference so i dont forget what i dreamt . 

Forgot to mention, village people made a lip smacking noise when they’re about to be reap someone but the idea is the villagers are nice people maybe they weren’t always like that??? Trying to fill in the gaps. 

[deepestcognition]

Stuff to do in San Diego

Written mainly for my reference.

/guide to do stuff all over California  http://californiathroughmylens.com/san-diego-guide

resource: Hidden Jems  http://www.nps.gov/cabr/learn/nature/low-tide-best-dates-and-times.htm

Checking the Tides  http://ca.usharbors.com/monthly-tides/global/San%20Diego/2016-01

http://www.nps.gov/cabr/learn/nature/low-tide-best-dates-and-times.htm

Snow Camera (SD Area) http://hpwren.ucsd.edu/cameras/

1. Balboa Park Free Admission are only on Tuesdays (for San Diego residents only.

http://freemuseumday.org/sd.html

2. Hiking - Ceder Creek Falls  - Potato Chip - Ho Chi Minh Trail  - Blacks Beach  - Cabrillo Tide Pools http://www.sandiegohikers.com/

3. Stargazing  - La Jolla Cliffs

http://www.kcet.org/living/travel/socal_wanderer/night-sky/stargazing/seven-great-places-to-stargaze-in-san-diego-county.html

- Balboa Park (Reuben H. Fleet Space Theater)    *  The Sky Tonight - Monthly Event First Wednesday of the Month ($)    *  Stars in the Park - After the show, FREE telescope use to the public telescopes west of the Fleet on The Prado

http://www.sdaa.org/events.htm

4. Sea Cave Hunting (Only Low Tide Days) 

- Cabrillo National Monument  - Sunset Cliffs Caves and Coves 

http://hiddensandiego.net/sunset-cliffs.php

http://lastadventurer.com/last-adventurers-fieldnotes/bluff-and-tidepool-trail-and-secret-sea-cave-cabrillo-nationhtmlhttp://hpwren.ucsd.edu/cameras/

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5 Star Hotel by Chris Burkard.

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Rainy day hike

Marin County CA