dejabreathe-blog

[dejabreathe-blog]

so here it is. i loved him, yes. but loving him made me kind of hate myself. and that wasn’t good.

Warsan Shire (via kushandwizdom)

  (via kushandwizdom)

[dejabreathe-blog]

Binasa ko ung thread ng usapan natin sa Inbox ko. Inbox na at hindi messenger kasi nandito ka na. At napapaisip ako, bakit ganon? Bakit nga ba mahal kita? O gusto ko lang ung idea ng inlove?

[dejabreathe-blog]

I'm just frustrated in every thing right. But I'm holding on still.

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Binigay ko sa'yo lahat, hanggang sa wala nang natira sa'kin.

dejabreathe

[dejabreathe-blog]

Ok lng n ldr. KKayanin ko. Actually, kinaya ko na nga maghintay at maging loyal. Para sa kinabukasan. Susuportahan kasi yan ung napili mong trabaho. Pero ayoko sa karelasyon yung hindi ako priority. Madaling madistract sa ibang bagay at basta na lang nakakalimutan na gf niya ko. Gusto ko yung magbubukas ng pinto para sakin, at hindi nakakalimutang mag goodmorning at mag goodnight. Bakit? Kasi dun ko mararamdaman na mahalaga ako, na gusto niyang maging parte ako ng buhay niya. Nalulungkot ako. Ayokong isumbat ung mga ginawa ko para satin dahil gusto ko ring gawin mo yung mga yun. Alam ko na iba iba tayo ng paraan upang magmahal. Kung hindi ka ganoon kaverbal at kashowy, ayos lang. Basta nagkakaintindihan tayo. Kung ano yung kaya mong ibigay, tatanggapin ko kasi ganon ka. Pero dapat isipin mo rin ung nararamdaman ko. Namimiss kita. Gumawa ka ng paraan para marinig ko boses mo. Kasi hanggang dun lang yung kaya mo. 10 months akong naghintay sayo, sana naman simpleng paghanap ng signal para mawala ung lungkot ko, magawa mo. Wag mong balewalain yun. Kasi yun ung palatandaan na mahalaga ka pa sakin, na mahal kita at ikaw lang. Kasi kung ganoon kasimple lang na kailangan ko hindi mo magawan ng paraan kahit nasa Pilipinas tayo pareho, paano pa pag pumayag akong magpakasal sayo at magkapamilya tayo? Masakit man aminin, pero malabo ka kausap. Hindi mo pa alam kung anong dapat gawin para sa mga sinasabi mong gusto mo. O siguro, hindi ako yung babae na makakapagparealize sayo ng mga bagay bagay. Ansakit bhe. 😭 Pero kasi, wala na akong magagawa. Dapat kasi nung una palang bumitaw na tayo. Tingnan mo hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako mahalaga sayo. Hindi mo kasi ako pinaghirapan makuha. Ang rason ko, mahal kita. Pero may limitasyon ang magmahal. Ayokong maging tanga ngayon, at magsisi kung kailan may mga anak na tayo. Tama na yung naibigay ko satin, masyado na akong nakalubog. Kailangan ko nang ihaon ang sarili ko kasi hindi naman kita nakita sa baba para samahan ako. Sobrang lungkot, oo. Kasi gusto ko ikaw na. Tayo na. Pero kasi may hindi tama. Kung may maibibigay ka pa, e di salamat. Sige, kayanin natin. Pero kung wala na rin akong maasahan mula sayo, na inaasahan mong ganito na lang tayo hanggang sa tumanda tayo....... haaaay tigilan na natin ito.

[dejabreathe-blog]

Seeing photos of h in my feed made me realize I do love him. But the question is, "does he still love me?" I'm gonna have a hard time moving forward from here, but I know I'm a strong woman like my mother. It'll take time. I just need that patience and nsd spirit to hold on and see a better future.

[dejabreathe-blog]

If he doesn’t call, you need to let him go. He doesn’t deserve your “i miss you’s” or your “i love you’s” if he can’t give you anything in return. He doesn’t deserve any of your emotions in fact. So, if he doesn’t call you tonight you need to let him go. It doesn’t matter if people tell you that’s not a good idea, it’s what you believe is best for you and sometimes you have to follow your own heart because it’s your life choice. You are the conductor. He is not. If he chooses to ignore your pain, especially when you told him that you were angry with him then he doesn’t deserve to hear from you ever again. Politely tell him to fuck himself and then move forward with your life. Next semester will be shitty. You will miss having the consistency of him to hold you up. That, is called a crutch. That is not something you need at this stage of the game. You are your own crutch and when you need someone to fall back on fall back on someone who genuinely cares for you. Fall back on your very best friend. Fall back on your mom. Do not fall back on him. It’s going to suck when you see him continuing to be happy without your friendship. That will hurt. That will sting. That might make you cry. In fact, that will probably make you sob, but you have to remember a year from now it will not hurt at all and you will not have someone toxic in your life. The pain you are feeling now is worth it to no longer have to deal with the continual heartbreak that comes with being his friend. If he can not call you to let you get stuff off your chest then he is not worth anything to you. So, wait it out. Do not worry about him calling you. Do not stare at the phone until he does. If he does not, go to sleep after shedding some tears and then realize that this is the beginning of something so much better.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write // #123 // for when he doesn’t call (via theplaceiwritemythoughtsandstuff)

[dejabreathe-blog]

Nasaktan mo na naman ako. And reading how you reacted when I asked you to acknowledge my New Year message for you, I knew that you don't dwell that much with how our conversation was. Something is leeping you busy, my intuition tells me. Right there when I said that even a Thank You would suffice, I know I was settling for something. And I'm not sur if that's what I'm suppose to be doing. If I'm suppose to be with you in this ldr. Once again, I pledged to train myself not to depend on you that much and not to say anything in our convo anymore. Nawawalan na ako ng gana.

[dejabreathe-blog]

5 things in our relationship that's making me sad rn: 1. Ang layo layo mo. Feeling ko hindi na kita kilala outside the chat box. 2. Hindi mo ko nirerespeto. Dahil yun sa mabilis na naging tayo. 3. At dahil hindi mo ko nirerespeto, ang baba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Kasi bakit ganito? No choice kaya sinagot kita? No choice kaya ako niligawan mo? 4. You make me feel like I'm really dirty. Di ba hindi dapat ganito? You're suppose to encourage me be a better version of myself. Yet, I feel like I'm locked inside. 5. Because of no. 4, I can't explore my faith. Kasi andami na nating maling nagawa, na prang hindi na ako deserving magbasa ng Bible. Hindi ko sinasabi to para maghiwalay tayo. In fact, I want otherwise. Pano ba natin to malalampasan na magkasama pa rin?

[dejabreathe-blog]

I don't think I still love my father, the way a little child should be growing up with him as her first love. The desire to be a better daughter to him has been lost/gone a long time ago. It's when he showed how he doesn't respect this family, yet has the galls to act almighty. My mother is just patient and has this incredible inner strength, that's why the family is still together. My brain is all I depend to in facing him. Keeping in mind that he is my biological father, and my mother wants me to treat him as a man like a father. Everyday, in his own way, he shows why I should not respect him as a father, as the husband of my mother, as a man. I just got better in voicing out this dislike in the most needed, appropriate times.

[dejabreathe-blog]

Andami kong dapat gawin. Buti na lang gusto ko rin magpakabusy. Pero badtrip talaga yung xgf ni tingtong. Ugh. Tuwing makikita ko profile nya (which is palagi kong ginagawa) ung tagged post nya nakikita ko. Kagabi nagrant ako sa kanya. Hindi ako nagseselos. Naiinis ako sa ginawa nung babae. Cute gawin yun ng isang single na babae sa single na lalaki. Pero hindi. Napansin ko pa na tingin ni tingtong porke't sinabi niya na ako lang, magiging okay na ko. Na sawa na siyang makinig sa rant ko. Ugh Like pwede pakinggan at intindihin mo muna kung saan ako nanggaling. Yun na yung pinakamabuti mong gawin kasi ayoko awayin yung babae, at hindi ako nagseselos sa'yo. Kainis. Magpakabusy na nga lang sa office, magkakapera pa ko.

[dejabreathe-blog]

I didn’t completely fell in love. Yet, I remebered you Trudis while reading this. I love my guy, I had you in my mind with this. I’m not sorry, nor angry. Was just reminded of the whirlwind feeling I had for you back then, when, out of nowhere, you just blurted it out. I never thought of you the way you did of me.

[dejabreathe-blog]

Ikaw nagpilit pag usapan ung topic, tapos tutulugan mo ko? You don't deserve me. Maghanap ka ng susunod sa gusto mo kahit hindi mo gustong mag-effort. Effort na nga lang e, hindi sacrifice. Pero walang iintindi sayo na katulad ko. Walang ibang kayang magbigay ng pagmamahal na tulad ng sa akin sa'yo. Pero makakahanap ako ng mas deserving sa pagmamahal ko. At darating ang araw na maalala mo ko, at wala kang ibang mararamdaman kundi pagsisisi at pagkamuhi sa sarili mo dahil naging mahina ka at pinakawalan mo ang isang katulad ko.

[dejabreathe-blog]

WORST.FEELING.EVER

When your insecurities come to bite you all at once.

[dejabreathe-blog]

Pag magiging busy ka sa messenger, sabihan mo lang ako para di na ko maghintay ng reply mo. Hindi na ko magtatanong kung sino. Kasi kung iniisip mo ko, hindi ko na kailangang tanungin pa. Ang dating kasi napipilitan ka na lang magchat sakin. Kahit ayaw mo kong masaktan, kita ko naman na naaawa ka na lang. Kesa magsayang ka ng data sakin, at maghintay ako sa wala. Sinanay mo kasi ako sa araw araw e. E yung iba pala mga days and weeks ganon. Itatama ko yung sarili ko. One day, then two days etc.. So saturday hindi ako magchchat sayo, sunday oo, mon-tues wala, wed oo, thurs-sat wala, sunday meron. #effort Hindi mo naman kasi talaga ako mahal e. Hindi ako yung type mo physically. Hindi ako payat, hindi rin ako maputi. Masabi ko lang na kumain ako, alert ka kagad magsabi na ayaw mo ng mataba. Pag nag aaway tayo, ung utak ko naman tinitira mo na kesyo palagi ako tama. Ni hindi ka man lang mag effort na sabihin yung sayo. Napilitan ka lang sakin di ba? Kasi ako lang yung nasa tabi nung naghanap ka? Gets ko naman na yun. Inisip ko lang kasi baka eventually, maging ok rin ako sayo.

[dejabreathe-blog]

Another scar

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Ang mga luha ng mas nagmamahal.