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Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

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a phone call away.

feat. @hyukinbaby

pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. ‘hey this is christian and i’m not here to answer your call right now. leave a message and your number and if you’re lucky, i might get back to you.’ beep. chaeseol doesn’t know why she stays on the line for as long as she does, it isn’t like she has any intention of actually leaving her older brother a message. groaning, she tosses the handheld device carelessly onto the couch, the phone bouncing from the cushion to the rug beneath it. her two cats peer up at her curiously and while usually a soothing gesture, she finds it amplifying her anxiety even more. 

“don’t look at me like that,” she scolds, as if they’re able to understand.

instead she debates whether calling christian one last time is a good idea. it isn’t like he’s that busy, nowadays he’s usually at home in an attempt to get back at their father’s good graces. what else is he doing on a wednesday evening that’s got him too busy to pick up her phone call?

a woman, the small voice in her head answers. perhaps a man.

she could try ringing sunghoon up one mote time and see how her luck fairs out but there’s a small guilt that consumes her at the thought. this is the only day off he has from work and essentially, from her. she understands she’s a lot to handle along with the entity that follows - it isn’t like her personality is the easiest thing to deal with either. in between her constant stubbornness and endless moodswings, it wouldn’t be hard to put it past the man to ignore her name on his phone screen. aside from that, the last thing she wants to do is to disturb him even more.

he worries over me too much already, she concludes. no calling sunghoon anymore.

she sighs, feeling desperate now as she struggles to keep her tears at bay. there’s nick, but does she really want to reach out? the prodigal son bears a prodigal burden and chaeseol detests crying out to him for help. she’s the last thing he should be fussing about and for what - a missing blind cat? if it was her dad hearing her distress call, he would have told her to let it go already and that one blind cat is minuscule compared to the other problems she faces. ironically enough, between sunghoon, christian and nick, the latter is the only one that ever assured her it was alright to call him whenever she was in need of anything. 

but she was never one to listen was she?

girlfriends? ah. girlfriends. she may not have many of them but the few she’s gotten close to have never ceased to make her feel like she had to endure it all alone. there’s hara and natsu - surely one of them will pick up? so with a few clicks and scrolls of her battered phone, she finally finds hara’s name on the contact book. a few names down, she sees another familiar name that makes her fingers freeze. her heart skips a beat as the syllables roll off her tongue before she can even realize she’s saying his name. 

she doesn’t know what comes over her. in the next moment, instead of dialing hara’s number, she clicks on hyuk’s instead. 

it's a stupid idea, she thinks as she stares at her screen dumbfoundedly. sure, they checked in on each other every once in a while - it's hard not to, not after what they've been through - but she doesn't think they have that kind of relationship anymore wherein she can casually hit him up late at night to seek help with her pet. the issue, while not typically mundane, seems.. intimate. and at that her mind races back in time to when they did have that privilege with one another. it seems so long ago since she had such strong, assuring arms wrap around her shoulders. and yet it's a feeling etched within her, a touch her body would instantly recognize, a scent that she has memorized even in her sleep. even with the time and distance that’s grown between them through the years, she’d know him with no re-learning necessary.

it's a stupid idea, the voice in the back of her head is reiterating as her index presses on the green button, the ringing from the other end loud. she still has time to hang up; if he calls back, she can ignore it. excuse it as an accident, a buttdial - it happens often enough that even she might believe it was.

with bated breath she lets it ring two more times before exhaling loudly. he isn't going to answer and she should hang up. prepared to peel the phone from her temple, the click on the other end pops audibly, his familiar voice blooming from the other end.

"hello?"

there’s an unexplainable comfort that tugs at her chest at the sound of his voice. but she can feel her lip quiver violently and she catches the delicate muscle between her tiers. her throat dries up, squeezing her airway, choking her from the words that are desperate to rise to surface.

as if reading between the silence, his voice echoes with the following question, dripping in concern. “hey, is everything alright?”

the room temperature drops by several degrees and her lids dampen with her own tears. “no,” she finally admits out loud. “i need you with me.”

[deliacate]

so long and goodnight.

featuring @deliacate & weineries.

“hey, i’ll be careful not to hit your cat with my car.” he remarked at the tremor brought on by the speed bump, hoping it wasn’t a living thing that he just passed despite knowing the road pretty well. “no promises though.” he joked, painting a kooky smile on his face.

he missed messing around with chaeseol in more ways than one. this is nice, he thought to himself. helping her was a good excuse to see her again. even if the words ‘i missed you’ or 'let’s get back together’ wasn’t uttered, this was better than the distance they inevitably had before.

hours and hours of driving around to no avail and the sun has set; the dusk had swallowed the empty streets.

later that day he was supposed to meet with jinri. the two hadn’t been able to see each other for a good while, what with their distance and the fact that they had missed each other literally. hyuk came back to seoul from the middle east just as soon jinri flew off to milan. it felt like the universe playing tricks on them, he pointed out to her during an exchange through text.

zoning out of the awkward silence that suffused the atmosphere during the car ride, hyuk started to think of ways to tell jinri he might not be able to hang out. what would he say anyway? something came up. my ex, you know the one we were just talking about, hit me up. what’s more, it was completely out of nowhere.

when he said they checked up on each other every now and then, he’d meant once in six months. maybe even once a year. who even knows anymore? it was as infrequent as hyuk staying in one place without any errands to run for the kingpin.

it felt like a strange twist of fate once again.

uneasy in his seat, hyuk couldn’t find a good opportunity to pull out his phone but what makes it worse was the spluttering that was surfacing subtly, softly.

“my cat is missing!” she blurted out. hyuk, overcame with panic from the mewling next to him, abruptly pulled up to the curb. it didn’t stop the querulous crying. if anything, it made it even worse.

“i know, i know…” was all he could say, which might have been the least comforting thing to say in response. it was cumbersome how wary he was of upsetting her even more. he wasn’t sure where to put his hands or what to do with it that it started shaking. he followed up with an apology.

she looked so fragile, contrasting the tough cookie exterior she often put on view. at this point, any rational thought had been thrown out the window. it was hard to withstand an onslaught of tears from the person whose boundless love filled his life once upon a time, no matter how ugly their history was.

finally relaxing into his senses, he squeezed her into his arms. he had no reason to feign nonchalance anymore so he let himself melt onto her. this was the only way he could think to console her, since he was terrible with words, so much so that he would borrow other people’s voices for his personal expression of artistry.

upon realizing their proximity, the pair avoided each other’s gaze as if their arms still weren’t wrapped around each other. warmth was something baby always craved. hell, both of them. it’s very likely the reason they were ever together. in fact, his squeeze on her shoulder tightened even more as his stream of consciousness became occupied with the predicament that they were in.

he cared for her immensely, even at present. that never changed throughout the years. he knew deep down that it’ll be that way for an undetermined amount of time that may even surpass this life.

“you think you’ll be fine at home?” he asked but the lilt in his voice was suggestive. he doesn’t hesitate to voice out what he was implying by the question. “i can stay over and keep you company for the night, then tomorrow we can try to find your kitty again.”

normally he’d pull this line for when he needed shelter away from his own. it was often that it happened. if truth be told, his recent sexual affairs were seeded by this habit. perhaps chaeseol knew it too. they did spend a good amount of time together after all. so she extended a home-cooked meal on top of his offer, practically the whole hog, even though the objective of this meeting wasn’t achieved yet.

on the surface, it felt like everything was falling into place. this was what he’d always wanted for years, in spite of his denial, and he’s pursuing it, undeterred by the past that had haunted him for as long as he can remember. the past that had trickled into every other relationship that came after.

maybe his life was designed so that he may never be truly happy and at peace.

bone-tired from the overnight search, hyuk and chaeseol succumbed to their narcosis. in an embrace, unbeknownst to either of them. perhaps that subconscious act was the subdued primal desire within them; only time can truly tell.

the tranquil was quickly disrupted by a distant scratching, so inconsistent in its rhythm it was almost straight out of a horror movie. there was chattering too if it wasn’t creepy enough. “what the fuck…” he mumbled lowly in a stupor, rousing from the bed suddenly. he checked to see if he had disturbed chaeseol in her sleep, a knee-jerk reaction from old habits, then lazily walked up toward the door where the strange noise was coming from, hoping it wasn’t some eldritch terror waiting on the other side.

“fuck, fuck, fuck…” he whispered, cautiously unlocking the door to find no one in sight. before he could scurry away in fright, however, a meow rung in his ear like a feedback. “ow!” he exclaimed, jumping slightly while his hands pressed at his ear instinctively. at his feet was the infamous pet who had decided to go on a journey on his own without letting his owner know. hyuk snatched at his chest and sighed in relief, mouthing ‘jesus’ before picking up the feline. “where’d you run off to, matcha? got your mom worried sick.”

hyuk lets the cat down on the bed where chaeseol still laid, sleeping soundly. matcha the cat sauntered toward his owner, coiling under her arm and settling beneath, atop the quilt. it was a polaroid-worthy sight that never fails to awe, differing from the turbulence of the night before.

“my job here is done.” he quipped as he grabbed his coat from the rack, taking a final glance at the room; the serenity of it all bringing the synapses of his brain to a standstill. part of it was a pain, yet one he can endure, one he can sleep through night after night without the anesthesia of false hope. this was once a place of solace to him, to both of them, prior to the long story filled with sighs. so much of it has changed. as she has, he hoped, for the better. so it seemed.

the lack of sleep left hyuk exhausted but the day wasn’t over for him. there was much to explain and he wasn’t looking forward to it. evidently, the thought of it on its own dampened his mood. he doesn’t even realize it.

several hours past the time agreed, hyuk arrived at jinri’s place. it was no surprise that no light was lit in the house anymore. how he had the balls to even show up was a wonder, but he was determined to keep to his promise. he has had too many no-shows with friends recently, he had to correct it in some way. and admittedly, jinri wasn’t just any friend to him. regardless of everything that had transpired within the day, it remained the same. it showed in how perturbed he was over jinri’s hypothetical reaction to him meeting with his ex just moments ago. he would have felt slighted, especially considering their conversations as of late.

“it must suck to be a rebound.” he recalled. the thought even stopped him in his tracks—how he had vehemently defended the notion, claiming nuance and such. howbeit, he knocked. he’s greeted by jinri seemingly ready for bed or perhaps having been in it already. “sorry…” a lot of apologies today, he thought. “i got caught up helping someone.” he said firmly, a little bit of his temper showing in his face. he let himself in without thinking too much about whether he was welcome. his train of thought was that, she let him in so that must mean she still wanted him to come.

she doesn’t hesitate to express just how she felt every time. i missed you, she would often say. hyuk envied this emotional eloquence. he was never intentionally tight-lipped. he detested that he was, as a matter of fact. he wanted to feel freely. it’s one thing he still hasn’t learned how to do. it cripples him to think that he might never, because he’s lacking in a fundamental piece that most kids received from childhood; a family to love him, one he could love back.

he doesn’t utter anything anymore apart from “cool if i stay, right?” to which she responded in her usual manner. the silence almost felt cruel. and this kind of silence to hyuk always resulted in the whizzing noise in his ears. it was the reason for the music he’d play 24/7. jinri prods him. not in a prying way, but as a form of concern for someone that was meant to enjoy this night with her. still, he was too overwrought to hear reason.

then it happens, hyuk’s capacity to cope falling to bits and pieces. “i met up with my ex before i got here. i didn’t want you to fucking know but you wanna poke around so fucking bad.”

not so tight-lipped anymore.

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“The honey is sweeter when you love the bee.”

— toughguytina 

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and then there are crimson streaks running down the inner of her thighs, terror-stricken eyes flashing through the reflection in panic.

she’s regretting not telling him earlier: the moment she found out, a few days after, any time instead of now. fear? doubt? or maybe the uncertainty. the thought of him saying no. now standing over the sink with her hands gripping tightly onto the faucet she thinks, am i to blame for this? the excessive cramping, the mood swings, and the desire to do nothing. fatigue overwhelmed her even in small ounces of work but she figured it was just the weather changing from cold to warm. it’s work. traveling from seoul to new york to switzerland. she’s tired. she has a living, breathing being inside jer and she knew. 

it’s nothing. 

i’m okay. 

so she ignores it until today when the pain is so debilitating and clearly not nothing. clearly not okay. she ignores it until today when the pain is so debilitating that her legs give out on her while she’s inside the bathroom, suppressing the urge to cry out. only she knows her body like the back of her hand and she should have known her low threshold for pain is not something she should test.  

am i to blame for everything? 

distant footsteps begin to approach her and it can’t be anyone else but hanjae. the tears that are lining her lids begin to stream down by now, a trembling hand reaching out for him. everything begins to distort into a blur and suddenly, she’s feeling out of control and vulnerable. “help.. help me.” 

but even hanjae’s voice provides little comfort to the crushing agony she’s in, grunting in response to whatever he’s saying. her elbows that prop her steady against the tiles collapse on her and she’s dizzy, pale, and colorless— too little too soon and she feels nausea gripping at her throat again, weakly pulling herself to a position of comfort. only she sees it more: there’s red everywhere.

blood pooling at her ankles, dripping down from her center and to her feet. her vision pulsates from dark to bright, a gush of helplessness overcoming her. blood, piercing, and unsettling, pushing her over to the edge until a loud cry finally breaks out from her lips, echoing through the white, empty walls. because that’s all she feels she can do at this point; cry in hope that it isn’t what she’s thinking. it can’t be what she’s thinking, with reasons of i’ve been taking good care of myself. only there were days where she had been careless and negligent, the small realization provoking her emotions some more. 

she’s soaked on discharge, red and drained. bloodshot eyes yet she’s able to make out the small clot against white tiles, smaller than a nickel and less of a dime. she’s close to losing her consciousness by the time the door creaks open and paramedics come in, heaving one last sigh before her body falls back into a complete black.  

have i lost you?

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hanarichinspiration-blog‌:

Writers, bold all of your character’s regular truths.

1. Smoking: the action or habit of inhaling and exhaling the smoke of tobacco or a drug. 2. Binge drinking: the consumption of an excessive amount of alcohol in a short period of time. 3. Drug abuse: the habitual taking of illegal drugs. 4. Nail biting: a common body language sign of anxiety/tension. 5. Lip biting: a common body language sign of anxiety/tension. 6. Night Owl: a person who is habitually active or wakeful at night. 7. Early bird: a person who rises, arrives, or acts before the usual or expected time. 8. Negative attitudes: a philosophy of approaching life with criticism and pessimism. 9. Positive attitudes: a philosophy of approaching life with optimism and confidence. 10. Swearing: the use of offensive language. 11. Superstitious: an irrational belief that an object, action, or circumstance not logically related to a course of events influences its outcome. 12. Inspecting fingernails: a common body language sign of boredom. 13. Scratching your neck: a common body language sign of uncertainty. 14. Foot and finger tapping: a common body language sign of stress/impatience. 15. Nose touch: a subtle body language sign of deceit. 16. Flipping hair: a common body language sign of craving attention. 17. Twirling hair: a common body language sign of flirtation. 18. Cracking knuckles: a common body language sign of readiness. 19. Hands behind back: a common body language sign of confidence. 20. Finger pointing: a common body language sign of authority. 21. Hands on hips: a common body language sign of readiness. 22: Hands in pockets: a common body language sign of mistrust/reluctance. 23. Frequent touch: a common body language sign of warmth/familiarity. 24. Throat-clearing: a common body language sign of rejection/doubt. 25: Jaw-clenching: a common body language sign of hostility. 26: Eye-rolling: a common body language sign of irritation. 27: Head-tilt: a common body language sign of interest. 28. Whistling: to emit high-pitched sound by forcing breath through a small hole between one’s lips or teeth; usually to a tune. 29. Humming: make a low, steady continuous sound like that of a bee; usually to a tune. 30. Perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection. 31. Photographic memory: the ability to remember information or visual images in great detail. 32. Paranoia: a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically worked into an organized system. 33. Exaggeration: a statement that represents something as better or worse than it really is. 34: Intuitive: using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive. 35: Quick-witted: showing or characterized by an ability to think or respond quickly and effectively. 36: Interrupting: breaking the continuity of a conversation with one’s own statements. 37: Doodling: to scribble or make rough drawings, absent-mindedly. 38: Irritable: having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed. 39: Gambling: to play games of chance for money; bet. 40: Travel-sick: suffering from nausea caused by the motion of a moving vehicle, boat, or aircraft. 41: Sensitive: having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others’ feelings. 42: Melancholy: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. 43: Chewing gum: the exercise of chewing flavoured gum which is not intended for swallowing. 44: Fidgeting: to make small movements, especially of the hands and feet, through nervousness or impatience. 45: Skeptical: not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations. 46: Neat-freak: compulsively obsessed with cleanliness. 47: Gossiping: divulging personal information about others. 48: Prim: feeling or showing disapproval of anything regarded as improper; stiffly correct. 49: Abbreviating: Giving others nicknames/shortening names/giving pet names. 50: Having a catchphrase: having a sentence or phrase typically associated with a specific person.

[all] quirks my muse habitually has.

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‘swan lake, suite, op. 20a - waltz’ by tchaikovsky but you’re hiding in the gardens outside of a masquerade ball thrown in your honor, hoping they don’t find you and wed you off to some wealthy aristocrat’s heir because you know the whole affair was secretly intended for finding you an upstanding match for marriage. (youtube)

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Is anybody ok with my muse mentioning your muse in a thread they have with somebody else?

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you deserve someone who looks at you at the same way you look at pink morning skies

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——— 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒 ! ♡

name! ask me and i’ll tell ya!  pronouns! she/her zodiac sign! gemini taken or single! taken 

 ——— 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 ! ♡

1. big bang and wonder girls were the groups that got me into kpop & winglin was the reason why i got into roleplay 2. i don’t follow kpop anymore, not unless it’s ikon 😂 3. i’m a physical therapist in the making. just gotta take my licensure exam and we’ll be good to go. i hope to also become a licensed vet physical therapist because i’m a big animal person 

 ——— 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 ! ♡

platforms used! tumblr, twitter, discord. previously: aim, kakao, line 

 ——— 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 ! ♡ 

female or male! i can do both. i’ve had more fun rping female muses though. least favorite face(s)!  maybe overused faceclaims? other than that, i don’t usually look at the faceclaim when interacting. multi or single? it depends on what’s being asked. ship wise, i will only ever do single and will only ship with single. if it comes to verses, i can do both singleverse and multiverse. fluff / angst / smut! all of the above plot / memes! both is fine with me   

tagged by! @daiseun​ (ily baby, thank you for tagging me) tagging! @pasteliace @bngsoo @chermoise @fleursucre + anyone else who wants to do it here (or on twitter) 

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Love, Rosie (2014) dir. Christian Ditter

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Georgia Amsale Summer 2018 edit by @art_etoile

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Her breath is like honey spiced with cloves, her mouth delicious as a ripened mango. To press kisses on her skin is to taste the lotus, the deep cave of her navel hides a store of spices. What pleasure lies beyond, the tongue knows, but cannot speak of it.

“Aphrodite: a memoir of the senses” by Isabelle Allende 

(via

cherryroses

)

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“I hope we last. I hope we do. But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me: I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you. Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too. If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending. Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #132 (via blossomfully)

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“I’m not into convincing people I’m worthy. I’m into people who’ll convince me on my worst days that I’m still worth the world.”

— Unknown