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bad guy: *lowering me into a pit of piranhas*

me: just so you know that pool is not big enough for them at all and they also don't have any foliage to hide within in order to feel safe and by the way you obviously haven't been feeding them enough if they're ready to rend the flesh from my bone, the water looks scummy, and your pulley system looks extremely unsafe and none of your goons are wearing PPE despite the jagged spikes and open leaky pipes and-

bad guy: *frantically lowering the crank faster* please just die

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Friends — I'm pleased to be joining @colbertlateshow on Monday (8/4). I'm sure Stephen and I will have a lot to discuss, including my new book "Coming Up Short: A Memoir of My America." Please tune in so the ratings don't come up short.

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i will never forgive tumblr for what they did to cbs elementary you're telling me that in 2012 we had by far one of the most interesting and accurate depictions of a MODERN sherlock holmes with cute little easter eggs and characters from the original stories with great characterisation, INCREDIBLY written female characters (PLURAL), and one of the best platonic relationships that i've ever seen in media, SEVEN WHOLE SEASONS 154 EPISODES and you still chose bendysnap crunchyback. you were all too obsessed with english people and bad yaoi to see

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i think it's really fun when a rly specific trope is super popular in one particular medium but in other ones it's just totally unheard of. it's the time knife. visual novel players are suuuuper used to death games but many others encountered them for the first time in squid games. the other day my mom showed me all excited the summary of a super original novel she found and it was about a girl who got reincarnated as the main character in her favorite fantasy book

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what do I have to do to go to events where people are dressed nicely and there are plates of free cheese cubes

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Spider-Man: MENACE

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Non stream fans: man they really wrote in a lot of things that are nine in this show. I guess for the pun? Sort of pushing the joke a bit far.

Me grabbing them by the metaphorical collar: you don't underSTAND.

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curious about the gender breakdown of my followers. just choose what feels right.

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“no one’s ever mad at me unless they tell me so” is the best assumption i’ve ever made

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like ten years ago, i made a silly post about my leopard gecko and someone reblogged it and added their very long and graphic undertale incest mpreg oviposition fanfiction to it while saying my pet had inspired it.

when i told them i found that really disturbing, they freaked out and went on a months' long campaign where they kept trying to suicide bait me.

like three years ago, i posted a stupid text exchange my partner and i had shared and someone reblogged it and added their graphic our flag means death first-time-anal fanfiction to it while saying my relationship inspired it.

when i told them i found that really inappropriate and weird they freaked out then sent multiple people to angrily tell me to delete my reply because they couldn't have known that was weird. then they nuked their blog.

there's no moral to this story. it's just weird that it happened twice.

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Okay TMI BUT it’s just us on this app so! I saw this tweet, and now I’m curious. What do y’all do?

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if pointing out that the age of getting a phone decreasing along with the prevalence of short form video as the dominant form of social media content during the most significant collective educational gap in recent history all of which happened during one of the most significant windows of psychological development in a human lifetime has had a deleterious effect on the attention spans, self-regulation, impulse control, social skills, tech literacy, and actual literacy of zoomers and gen alpha. if pointing out that that is a real and serious problem makes me a boomer and an old crank who has fallen for “kids these days” propaganda someone find me a porch and a rocking chair so i can yell at you to get off my lawn

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STOP—THIS IS A KINDNESS CHECKPOINT! rb this post + say something you love about prev to keep the positive energy flowing 💫