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When will I feel okay again? When could I ever tell you I wasn’t? The slightest inkling that I haven’t been and you’ve gone and made it about you, about how you’ve had it worse, about how you have to deal with me having problems, because God forbid I crack even a little bit. I don’t think I will ever forget how you treated me that summer when I opened up about how overwhelmed I was doing an entire Masters degree in less than 6 months, and I was coming up on the end of it and how I didn’t know what to expect with the last stretch of it, and you cried about how overwhelmed you felt in the past and told me it was selfish of me to think what I was feeling was being overwhelmed because you knew what it really meant to be overwhelmed and there’s no way I could be feeling that…and you made me feel like you were right…I came to you crying, apologizing, begging you to forgive me for being so selfish to think I was being overwhelmed when you knew what it really felt like to be overwhelmed. It wasn’t until later and you openly admitted that you have manipulated me many times that I realized that you were manipulating me in that moment, you were manipulating me into believing I was being selfish, I was wrong, I didn’t know what I was feeling. That was one of probably many times that you were planting seeds of doubt in my mind about myself. What’s the point of all of this? What are you getting out of it? Is this fun for you? Am I just a lifelong psychology experiment to you? I’ve never felt as lonely as I do as when I’m so hyper aware of your manipulation and your selfishness; I have no one to turn to, you’ve driven me away from my family, convinced me to distance myself from the people I had formed relationships with here that you didn’t know, the only person I’m close with here is someone you’ve known since high school. You say you feel so lonely when I crack…I’m lonely because I am. You have friends, family, history here, you leave the house everyday and interact with people and socialize and be human. You’re often the only human being I talk to face to face any given day, and yet you complain that I don’t talk to you enough, I don’t have enough interesting things to say or talk about. Even with my new job, I’ll leave the house but continue to be by myself everyday just outside instead of inside. I’m sorry I don’t have the chisme you want me to have, I’m sorry that when I do try and talk to you, you zone out and tell me you’re bored and that you don’t care, I’m sorry that you’re life and everything about you is so much more important than anything that could possibly be going on with me and that I would even think of asking for an ounce of empathy in the other direction. I know you expect me to empathize with you every second of every day and even the slightest slip up means that I’m being selfish and narcissistic. I’m sorry I even thought about receiving your empathy.

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You think it’s lonely and that you’re the only adult in the relationship when you choose to turn off your feelings even though no one asked you too. I think it’s lonely and that I’m the only adult in the relationship when I take care of you with every fiber of my being only to be returned with manipulation when I ask to be taken care of. You accuse me of being manipulative when you’ve openly admitted to being manipulative. Why have you made it okay for you? But treasonous for me when I’m not even doing it? How do I know you’re not manipulating me into thinking I’m being manipulative unknowingly? You accuse me left and right of being some sort of narcissistic snake the second I show any kind of emotion; you ask me to open up and talk but when I do you say you don’t care and you stopped listening, you tell me it doesn’t matter how I feel because you’ve felt it harder, the only time I can keep things calm and keep you happy is to be a robot and do whatever you ask and reassure you that I’m happy to do it, because if I weren’t, you’d tell me I was a narcissistic selfish person. I hope that my life is enough for you, i hope never seeing my family or friends (because you find them boring) is enough for you, i hope giving everything i possibly have in my life body and soul is enough for you. But i know it never will be, You’ll still find a way to tell me that I’ve only given you my life to appease some narcissistic part of my brain, and claim that I never cared about you from the start. I give you every fiber of my being and do all i can to care for you and support you and love you only to be returned with accusations of doing it out of my own self interest…what self interest??? I have no friends, hardly any connection to family anymore, you are the only person I interact with on a daily basis and often times the only other human being I see. What self interest do I have to pour my mind body and soul into you other than my love for you? Is this just more of your manipulation? You always claim I make problems about me but you’re failing to see that the problem involves me and therefore I have to be a part of the conversation. When the target of your anxiety and your frustration is me, I have a right to feel a way about it. But you claim that I’m making the problem about me. No, I’m trying to come to a compromise, you stop using me as a target of your anxiety and frustration and I will also work to be better at soothing your anxieties and frustrations. But we never get there because you call me a narcissist for even trying to have that conversation, saying that I’m making a problem that’s not about me all about me.

How much longer can I handle this.

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All come from dust, and all return to dust

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