desyalvnar

[desyalvnar]

LIFE : I wonder why I ended up with this life — did I choose it or was it chosen for me?

There’s something I’ve never had the courage to say aloud. There’s a thing that I didn’t find out until I was twenty-one years old, and realizing that most people in my life had been lying to me was a shock. However, I also realized that my life has been privileged, and I am incredibly thankful for that.

When I was younger, a few people hinted to me, but I dismissed their words as ‘bullshit’ and didn’t believe them. As I’ve matured and gained more experience, I’ve become stronger, but I’ve also faced challenges that brought me down. I’ve already gone through this, but even now, I haven’t really told anyone.

I realize that I am truly alone. I know my family wants the best for me, but I’ve developed trust issues and struggle to open up. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel like I don’t know myself at all, and there are things I may never understand about my past. I don’t know where to turn for answers. Sometimes, I want to run away from it all, but I understand that I can’t keep running from these issues forever.

I talked about it with a few of my friends, and they cried a lot when they heard my story. I don’t want them to pity me, yet I know I must look so miserable to them. This whole situation feels like both a challenge and a blessing in disguise, but I’m not sure how to embrace it. I still find myself crying over it. I’ve never really opened up about this to anyone else before. It’s a heavy burden to carry alone, and sharing it, even with those who care about me, is incredibly difficult. I struggle with the fear of being misunderstood or pitied, and I’m still learning how to navigate these complex emotions.

As the only child, I’ve managed to keep things looking fine on the surface, handling everything so nicely that no one suspects the turmoil underneath. I look okay, but deep down, I want to cry out loud. Sometimes, I wonder why I ended up with this life — did I choose it, or was it chosen for me? I often ask myself these questions. Do I deserve to be loved? Deep down, I know I do, but it’s hard to reconcile that with the fact that so many people in my life have lied to me.

It makes me question whether I deserve to know the truth. Was I kept in the dark just because they didn’t want to hurt me? This feeling of being deceived has been a constant shadow over my life. I grapple with the pain of these lies and the trust issues they’ve created. Despite putting on a brave face, the reality is that I’ve been struggling with this for as long as I can remember.

Every day, I try to navigate these complicated emotions, balancing the appearance of normalcy with the deep-seated sadness and confusion inside me. I want to be honest with myself and others, but the fear of being pitied or misunderstood often holds me back. It’s a lonely place to be, and the weight of these unspoken truths is sometimes overwhelming. Yet, I keep going, hoping that one day I’ll find a way to truly embrace my past and heal from it.

—

I have already tried to face the truth and managed to survive. I just want someone out there to know that I am hurting, but I am incredibly thankful for the blessings I have, although knowing the truth earlier could have made such a difference for me. Perhaps I would have chosen a different path if I had known the full story at a younger age. Who knows? But I am still anxious about the future, and I know I need to be stronger than I am right now. That’s why I always pray that God gives me strength and aligns my prayers and dreams with the best possible destiny, because I don’t know what the future holds for me.

I am here, just wondering and trying my best. If this is the life that I have chosen, then I believe there will be more good things for me to experience. And if this is the life that has chosen me, then I must be one of the chosen ones — someone God knows can bear the pain and embrace all the challenges. With my prayers, I wish only good things for my friends and family, always.

Every day, I work to reconcile my past with my present, and I strive to find peace within myself. The path ahead is uncertain, but I hold onto faith and hope. I try to see the bigger picture, to understand that every hardship has a purpose, and every challenge is an opportunity to grow. I remind myself that strength is not just about enduring pain but also about finding the courage to move forward despite it.

In my prayers, I ask for guidance and clarity. I pray for the resilience to face whatever comes my way and the wisdom to make the right decisions. I also pray for my friends and family, wishing them happiness, health, and peace. I want them to know that despite everything, I am grateful for their presence in my life.

This journey is not easy, but I trust that it is leading me to where I am meant to be. Whether I chose this life or it chose me, I am determined to make the most of it. I believe that with faith, perseverance, and a hopeful heart, I can overcome any obstacle and find true fulfillment.

[desyalvnar]

Selamat Datang

Pernah denger, nggak? Katanya isi kepala seseorang lebih menarik daripada apapun. Aku rasa itu ada benarnya. 

Waktu aku kecil, aku selalu punya banyak pertanyaan yang aku cari di buku-buku cerita, mungkin dalam berita koran di meja kantor Mamaku atau yang dibaca Ayah ketika waktu istirahat bekerjanya, papan iklan yang berdiri di pinggir jalan, lalu aku baca ketika kami sama-sama menunggu lampu merah. 

Perjalanan sekolah atau bahkan keliling kota tetap menyenangkan, karena Ayah selalu punya jawaban untuk semua pertanyaan acakku. Aku pernah bertanya kenapa Bumi harus berputar? Kenapa ada radar yang terus berputar di dekat bandara setiap kami lewat? Apakah radar bandara itu pernah berhenti? Kenapa ada taman makam pahlawan? Kenapa buku sejarah Indonesia isinya berbeda-beda? Kenapa matematika ada dan susah sekali? Semua dijawab oleh Ayah.

Bagiku Ayahku seperti RPUL, bahkan lebih. Semua jawabannya masuk akal untukku. Waktu itu aku masih Sekolah Dasar Kelas 3, mungkin sedang ada berita politik di Indonesia. Aku tanyakan ke ayah kenapa ada yang korupsi? Apa itu korupsi? Kenapa jadi diberitakan bahkan ditulis di koran-koran dan cerbung lokal surat kabar. 

Aku juga seringkali melihat Ayahku membaca, entah apa itu, tetapi pasti ada sesuatu yang dibacanya atau sedang dikerjakannya. Itu yang membuat aku berpikir kalau semua laki-laki akan tumbuh seperti Ayah. Pintar, terampil, bisa diandalkan, dan yang paling aku suka — bisa menjawab semua pertanyaan yang ada di dalam kepalaku.

Begitu yakin suatu saat aku akan punya seorang laki-laki seperti Ayah. Ayah begitu menyayangi aku dan Mama. Aku selalu dipeluk dekat teras, persis di ruang tamu rumah tiap hujan. Aku juga biasa melihat Ayah memeluk mama di dapur, lalu aku buru-buru menyela mereka supaya aku masuk dalam pelukan Ayah juga. 

Ingatan paling membekas bagiku selanjutnya adalah ketika suatu hari rumah kami mati listrik. Sebenarnya, kami juga punya generator, tetapi malam itu hari penuh dengan petir. Ayah juga menjelaskan kalau kecepatan cahaya lebih cepat dibandingkan dengan kecepatan suara padaku. Hari itu meskipun sudah malam, tetapi suasana tetap terang dikarenakan banyak sekali petir muncul. Kami bertiga duduk di teras sambil memandangi langit. Takjub tapi juga takut.

Mama pun sosok yang begitu aku sayangi, dipikir-pikir kami hidup selalu begitu mengandalkan semua hal ke Ayah. Setelah Ayah berpulang lebih dulu, aku dan Mama menyesuaikan diri dan mengisi peran satu sama lain. Aku mungkin masih kecil saat itu, jadi Mama tetap orang yang paling banyak menyesuaikan diri dan mengisi peran tersebut.

Aku sangat sedih karena kehilangan orang yang selalu menjawab pertanyaan acakku. Aku juga pernah marah ke Mama, karena nggak bisa menjawab pertanyaan yang aku tahu Ayah pasti bisa, semisal beliau masih ada. Saat itu aku sadar, ngga semua orang bisa menerima pertanyaan-pertanyaanku dan menjawabnya. Malam itu jadi malam dimana aku paling merindukan dan membutuhkan sosok ayah di hidup. 

Kalau dulu semua aku ceritakan ke Ayah, setelah Ayah tidak ada. Aku berjanji untuk menjaga Mama untuk Ayah. Aku selalu menceritakan hal-hal penting sampai tidak penting ke Mama. Mungkin bisa disebut aku sebagai orang yang banyak omong, tetapi semua ada alasannya. 

Aku dulu sering tidur menyusup ke kamar orangtuaku, padahal aku sudah punya kamar sendiri dari kecil. Tetapi, aku senang karena aku banyak mendengar Ayah dan Mama berbicara setiap sebelum tidur. Mengingatkan untuk siap-siap besok, kemudian berdoa sebelum tidur..

Ingatan-ingatan hangat tersebut yang aku ingat. Tumbuh di lingkungan dan keluarga bersama Ayah dan Mama jugalah yang membentuk aku menjadi sekarang. Aku juga selalu menunggu Ayah dan menyambutnya ketika pulang dari perjalanan.

Segala bentuk refleksi, cinta, kasih, dan kerinduan atas hal-hal tersebut membuat aku memiliki emosi besar yang sering aku tulis sejak aku umur 9 Tahun. Mungkin zaman sudah berubah, dulu yang aku tulis sekadar tulisan di binder dan buku harian. Tetapi, makin aku besar aku juga menulisnya di blog yang domainnya aku juga lupa, akun tumblr yang lama tidak terpakai, lalu masih banyak lagi. Sampai juga ke fase: Medium.

 — 

Aku selalu punya banyak hal yang ingin aku ceritakan dan aku bagikan. Mungkin juga pertanyaan yang belum bisa aku jawab.

Pertanyaaan yang aku simpan, kemudian aku lupakan. Meminta dibahas dan diulik di sela-sela waktu senggangku, atau mungkin ingin segera diungkap secepatnya. Entahlah.

[desyalvnar]

A reminder of the emotional solidity I’ve achieved (2024)

After experiencing this Ramadan, my heart feels incredibly full. I’ve had the pleasure of reuniting with both family and friends, which has been immensely fulfilling. The majority of my time has been spent with my mother, and I find myself feeling profoundly content with myself and my relationships. This Ramadan has served as a reminder of the emotional solidity I’ve achieved.

Throughout this holy month, I’ve encountered numerous beautiful souls, each with their own fascinating stories to share. Engaging with them has been enlightening, broadening my perspectives. Additionally, I’ve ventured into new creative endeavors, producing content that I’m proud of. Moreover, I’ve reignited my passion for reading, already devouring nine to ten books by 2024 — an accomplishment I’m pleased with.

Reconnecting with old acquaintances during Ramadan has made me realize that while some things remain unchanged, there’s also been significant growth and evolution. Prior to Ramadan, I embarked on a journey to various cities, prompting me to reflect on what truly serves my well-being. Embracing this self-discovery process, I’ve learned to value my own judgment over external opinions. Despite any apprehensions, I’ve found joy in this journey, recognizing that human experiences often involve setbacks.

Eid brought together friends and my long-distance relatives, sparking conversations about future family gatherings and potential cousin trips. These discussions have been both exciting and contemplative, fostering a sense of anticipation for what’s ahead. Additionally, I’ve discovered new music during Ramadan, with “Jernih” by Kunto Aji standing out as a personal favorite. As I reflect on my thoughts and emotions throughout this Ramadan, I am encapsulated by a sense of gratitude and fulfillment.

[desyalvnar]

S..

Moon River flows, soft and wide, A melody drifting where secrets hide. Beneath its glow, we walked as one, Yet clouds above blurred the sun.

You spoke of futures, tied in chance, While I stayed quiet, lost in a glance. Parallel paths, so close, yet far, Like fleeting clouds chasing a star.

Your voice was calm, your laughter light, But the weight of us hung in the night. I watched you drift, a quiet stream, Caught in a half-forgotten dream.

The moon reflected your gentle ways, But clouds concealed its silver rays. Were we aligned, or just astray? A question haunting every day.

Now Moon River hums a soft refrain, Echoing softly through joy and pain. Our parallel clouds still linger near, Yet never touch, though always here.

A tethered bond, a fleeting thread, Two halves alive, yet worlds ahead. And though we drift, apart, alone, The moon remembers what we’ve known.

[desyalvnar]

I want to write poems about life, even though I’ve faced something called tragedy in this lifetime. Despite the hardships, I deeply appreciate how protective my family is and how much I love them. They always ensure that I have the best opportunities and experiences. While my struggles might not always be visible, it continue to haunt me.

This is the life I’ve always wanted, and perhaps it’s the reason I was born. Maybe I was born to experience the pain of feeling unloved by those I might love the most, yet I am still surrounded by the love of many others.

Maybe the reason I was born is to realize the various concepts of love and to understand that I can’t judge it at first glance. Perhaps you can love someone for many years, feeling like they’ve been your whole life, only to discover they’ve been hiding something they believe is for your own good. That’s love, they said.

I’ve always believed in being true and honest with myself. But in this lifetime, I’ve come to realize that even lies may hold some truth. I’ve had to learn this the hard way — an irony that life has taught me. I don’t think people ever truly know what has shaped me into who I am today, but I feel the need to mark it down in writing.

My dreams, fears, and love all surround me, molding me into the person I’ve become. I know I’m not perfect — I’m just someone’s child who has managed to survive. I don’t aspire to be a hero for everyone, but if I can help a few, I’d love to. It’s been difficult to face certain things, especially when as a child or even as an adolescent, no one ever taught me how to confront the secrets that haunt my nightmares.

Have you ever been taught in school about chasing dreams that weren’t even yours, but someone else’s, so you felt obligated to pursue them? Or faced difficult situations that left you traumatized like got mocking by others so they feel better about themself. Slowly, life might start treating you better, but we can’t deny that some things haunt us forever. Yet, in spite of all these challenges, they shape us into beautiful and unique individuals.

Back in 2016, I would have said that life is like a game of Jenga — and yes, that’s basically true for ourselves as well. We never know if we’ve spoken too soon about someone’s nightmares or touched on topics they dislike without realizing it. The people we see who seem to have their lives together might also be the ones trying their hardest. Maybe the easy way out is tempting, but surviving all these challenges and facing the truth is the path I’ve chosen. It’s the greatest lesson I’ve learned, even though it still scares me.

[desyalvnar]

the words that tucked somewhere deep in the recesses of the guarded heart.

I watched him sat by his desk, the way his laptop open before him, but the words wouldn’t come. His fingers hovered over the keys, a storm of thoughts swirling in his head, a rush of emotions he had never known how to voice. He thought about how he had spent so much time building walls, keeping people out, keeping everything in check. But now, as the emptiness of his apartment felt suffocating, the truth about his feelings for her pressed against him relentlessly.

He had always told himself that being detached was a form of strength. That keeping everything locked up was just how he operated. But now, in the aftermath, in the silence of the night, he realized how wrong he had been.

He started typing. Slowly at first, each word weighed down by the heaviness of his regret, but the more he wrote, the more the words flowed. It wasn’t an essay meant for anyone’s approval — it was for himself, a way to release the feelings he’d buried for so long.

—

The truth is, I’ve been in denial for so long. I convinced myself that being close to you was just a fleeting thing, a momentary connection that would fade with time. I told myself it wasn’t love, that it was just a distraction, a shared moment of fun. But even now, after everything, I can’t deny that there was something more. There was always something more.

You always made me laugh, even when I didn’t want to. You taught me to see things differently, to question the way I saw the world. Your presence was always comforting in a way I never knew I needed. It wasn’t about grand gestures or romantic proclamations; it was in the quiet moments. The way you’d laugh at my jokes, the way we’d banter over something as trivial — it’s those moments I miss the most.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself. Maybe I wasn’t ready to admit how much you meant to me. But I can’t ignore it anymore. I can’t keep pretending that I didn’t feel something real. You made me feel things I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling.

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if these words will ever be enough to make up for the silence, for the things I should’ve said, for the things I should’ve done. But I needed to say them.

So, here I am, letting these words spill out, as raw and unfiltered as I can make them. Because in the end, that’s the only truth I have left.

I’m sorry.

—

Little did he know that they had been healing each other all along. Even though that woman already gone, the connection they shared hadn’t disappeared. It lingered in the air, unspoken but undeniable, like a quiet melody in the background of his life. Their moments together, brief as they had been, had left a mark on him, one that could never be erased. And now, in her absence, He realized that their souls had met for a reason — not just for love, but for something deeper. For lessons that had been planted in him through her very being. He continued reading all her writing and works.

In the Quiet Spaces Between Us Sometimes, I wonder if we truly understand the weight of what we’re not saying. We fill the gaps with silence, with words we never utter, with actions that we think speak louder than any conversation. But in the end, silence leaves you with questions. Questions that echo in the quiet spaces between us. I’ve always believed in the power of understanding without needing to explain every detail. That’s what made our connection feel so special in the beginning — like we didn’t need to try so hard. It was easy, or so I thought. But somewhere along the way, something changed. I’m not sure when it happened, but suddenly, I felt like I wasn’t enough. Not enough to fill the space I had carved out in your life. And I wonder if you ever truly saw me. Or if I was just someone you kept around, comfortable, but distant enough to never make you feel vulnerable. Maybe I’ve always been too much for some people, and not enough for others. But I thought you’d be different. I thought you’d understand that I wasn’t asking for the world, just a little room for me to breathe, to be myself, without feeling like I had to hide parts of me. Maybe you felt it, too. That silence, that hesitation. But I could never really tell you how it felt, because maybe I wasn’t ready for you to see me that way, or maybe you didn’t want to. I’ve always wondered if you felt like I was asking for too much. Maybe I was. Maybe you never knew how to give me more than you already did. But I think that’s where the problem was — I didn’t want more; I just wanted us to be real with each other. I wanted us to stop pretending, to stop filling the space between us with what we thought was expected. But in the end, maybe it’s my fault too. Maybe I never let you see all of me. Maybe I held back, thinking that you’d never understand, thinking that I didn’t have the right to ask for more from you. But in reality, all I ever wanted was for you to see me. To really see me — not as some surface-level distraction, not as someone who could just be there when it was convenient, but as someone who mattered. And for you to realize that you mattered too, in a way that didn’t feel like you had to fight for it. I wonder if we’ll ever learn to be honest with ourselves about what we need. About what we deserve. I’ve learned that it’s okay to admit that sometimes, we’re not enough for each other — not because we’re lacking, but because we never gave ourselves the chance to be everything we could be. We’re both so caught up in what we think we need to hide that we forget how to be real. So, maybe someday, you’ll find someone who can be that for you. Someone who doesn’t hold back, someone who doesn’t feel the need to guard themselves all the time. And maybe, in some way, that’s okay. Because I hope you find what you need, what we both need. But for now, I think I’ll just try to figure out how to be enough for myself. And if you ever think of me, maybe you’ll remember the person who never asked for much, just the chance to be seen. Just the chance to be real.

His love for her had never truly gone away. It had changed, morphed into something quieter, something enduring — a flame that would never burn out. It was a love that didn’t need grand gestures or constant reminders. It was a love that lived in the memories they shared, in the lessons she had unknowingly passed on to him, and in the way he learned to see the world through her eyes.

Her loss wasn’t the end of their story. It was simply the beginning of a new chapter — one where he would carry her lessons with him, and strive to become the person she had always hoped he could be. The pain of her absence, while unbearable, became the thing that pushed him forward, toward the kind of life he had always been too afraid to live.

And in this quiet, unspoken way, she continued to guide him, even after her departure. She had left him with the most important gift of all: the knowledge that love, in its purest form, never truly dies — it simply transforms into something that continues to shape us, long after the person who gave it to us is gone.

[desyalvnar]

if you asked me what my biggest fear is, i used to think it was death—losing someone i loved. for the longest time, it was my greatest dread, especially because i only have my mother. but after everything that has happened, my fear has shifted.

now, i fear the death of who i am—the version of me that exists today. the thought of leaving before her terrifies me. she has already been through so much, and the least i can do is try to protect her, the way she’s always protected me.

that’s why i choose to keep going. i try to live the best way i know how, even when the weight of my pain feels unbearable. i’m not perfect, and i still carry wounds that haven’t fully healed, but i promise, i’m trying.

for her. for me. for the life we still have left to live.

[desyalvnar]

for more than 20 years, i lived with what i thought was the truth—solid, comforting, and whole. but life has a way of revealing itself in ways we don’t expect. i found out where i really come from, and the weight of it is something i’m still learning to carry. it feels like chasing a ghost, trying to piece together who i am, while still holding onto the love that shaped me.

to my biological parents, especially to om, i know you loved me in your way. you kept the truth hidden, hoping to protect me, to give me a chance to grow without this burden. i see that now, but it doesn’t make it less heavy. the truth still cut deep. even so, i don’t want to live with resentment. i want to be honest with myself and the world, even if it changes how others see me.

to abah and mama, my real parents in the ways that matter most—you are my home. for over 20 years, your love was my foundation, and it still is. ayah, i hope i could be your daughter in every lifetime. it breaks my heart that when i marry, my name will carry another’s, not yours. when i leave this world, your name won’t follow mine. but know this: your love follows me in every step, every moment, every breath.

the truth may have shifted my story, but it will never change the way i see you. you gave me everything—love, care, and a place where i belong. and for that, i will always be grateful.

[desyalvnar]

There is no such thing as the “right person, wrong time” I surely learn to accept how things are.

Realizing I got to fall in love, and now, I’m wishing him the best and letting go of the hurt, because his job was to teach me what love is and isn’t, to teach me to love myself, to teach me the fact that I deserve so much more than what the past has given me. However, I firmly believe that there is no such thing as the “right person, wrong time” I surely learn to accept how things are. I really do think there is a purpose to what we’re going through. I do think as time passes, things are going to be so much lighter.

The more honest I am with myself and the more open I am to receiving help, or at least open to telling people what’s up, even telling myself what’s up because sometimes we can be so dissociated with ourselves and just be completely off in a different world — and just not be in reality at all.

Looking back, I rarely regret things that have happened in my life. Throughout my life, I’ve adopted a philosophy that ‘everything happens for a reason’. Call me cliché, but this belief really does get me through.

As much as I was hurt by people and I’ve hurt people too, since it goes both ways. At once, I might have ever wished that I hadn’t met them — but as time passed by, I realized every person and every experience has taught me valuable lessons. They’ve contributed to my personal growth, helping me to evolve.

As horrible as it would be to hear, I feel like in that relationship, I learned so much that it set me up for the rest of my life. I think in every relationship, even if it’s not the perfect one that lasts forever, every time you learn so much about yourself and about relationships and about love, and you grow.

Therefore, if something didn’t go as planned, I wouldn’t be as disappointed. By choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason, we empower ourselves to find meaning even in the most challenging experiences.

Whenever I have to encounter personal disappointment or challenging situations, rather than dwelling on negativity, consider asking myself, “What is life trying to teach me now?” “What would I get out of this pain?” Maybe if I’m trying to look at my pain this way, I wouldn’t suffer that much.

To every individual, the path that we have crossed, there is something we could learn if we let ourselves learn something. Maybe we could navigate life’s challenges with resilience and gratitude. Someday, may we could find the beauty even in the midst of heartache. Every chapter, whether joyous or painful, contributes to the rich and meaningful story of our lives.

[desyalvnar]

A lesson I carry forward — a reminder to be courageous in love and life.

It’s a quiet Saturday night, and I’m sitting at my desk, the soft glow of my laptop screen casting a gentle light across the room. The clock reads a little past midnight. My Spotify is open to my 2020 playlist, and “I Just Couldn’t Save You Tonight” by Ardhito Pramono begins to play, filling the air with its mellow, haunting melody.

The song is about someone not being ready for a relationship, and as I listen, the lyrics seem to seep into my soul. The soothing, jazzy tones blend perfectly with the night’s stillness, creating an almost tangible atmosphere of introspection and longing.

I can see us together, laughing, sharing secrets, and dreaming of futures that never quite aligned. As the music flows, I find myself drifting back in time, memories of someone from my past surfacing unbidden. It’s almost as if the song itself is a bridge, connecting me to that period of my life.

In this moment, the emotions are vivid. I remember the warmth of their smile, the way their eyes lit up when they talked about their passions. The bittersweet realization hits me. The melody mirrors the ache of that missed connection, each note a reminder of what might have been. As I delve deeper into these memories, a feeling of regret emerges. I recall the countless moments when I held back, too afraid to let them in completely.

They were good — kind, understanding, and patient. Yet, my own fears and insecurities kept me from giving them a real chance. I wasn’t brave enough to embrace the possibility of what we could have been.

The song crescendos, and I feel a sense of release. The past is a beautiful, intricate tapestry of memories, woven with threads of joy and sorrow. Though we are no longer in each other’s lives, the imprint of that time remains. The missed opportunities and the hesitations are part of my story, shaping who I am today.

As the final chords fade away, I’m left with a serene sense of acceptance. I said it to myself that the night is still young, the possibilities endless, and though the past lingers, it no longer holds me captive. The regret of not being brave enough to give them a chance is a lesson I carry forward — a reminder to be courageous in love and life.

The music, the memories — they are all part of my journey, guiding me gently forward into the promise of new beginnings. And with that, I take a deep breath, want to close my laptop, and just realize I might be ready to embrace whatever comes next with an open heart.

[desyalvnar]

Sunyi, Darah, dan Cangkang Kehidupan

Akan kuperkenalkan cerita pertemuan rahasia antara kelomang dengan seseorang. Di dalam relung hati yang paling tersembunyi, bahwa ia bertemu dengan sosok yang tak pernah ia kenal sebelumnya — Sunyi.

Sunyi bukan sekadar keadaan; ia adalah makhluk bertopeng, hadir tanpa pernah disadari, menyusup dalam keheningan, menggali luka-luka yang tak pernah diperlihatkan kepada dunia. Sunyi menelisik tanpa suara, menyentuh jiwa-jiwa yang mengabaikan keberadaannya. Ia ada di antara tarikan napas terpendam dan detak jantung yang dirasakan, namun tak pernah diakui. Di dunia yang ia kenal, Sunyi akhirnya meresap begitu dalam ke dalam benak, menjadi satu dengan kebenaran yang selama ini tersembunyi dari dirinya.

Selama bertahun-tahun, ia hidup dalam kenyamanan yang diberikan oleh orang tua angkatnya. Hidupnya terasa seperti anugerah, meski tanpa ia sadari, Sunyi selalu menunggu di ambang pintu. Rahasia yang disembunyikan oleh cinta akhirnya terkuak — bahwa ia bukanlah darah dari mereka yang ia anggap sebagai dunia. Kebenaran itu muncul seperti luka yang lama tertutupi, terungkap tanpa ampun. Sunyi, yang selama ini bersembunyi di balik kasih sayang, kini menampakkan wajah aslinya. Ia menjadi satu dengan kekosongan yang dirasakan, menguasai ruang yang dulu dipenuhi oleh kepastian.

Hidup yang selama ini ia pikir miliknya sendiri, kini terasa seperti pinjaman. Ia membandingkan dirinya dengan kelomang yang cangkangnya pecah sejak lahir, lalu menemukan perlindungan dalam cangkang baru yang diberikan oleh kelomang lain. Cangkang yang indah, kuat, dan hangat, tetapi tidak pernah sepenuhnya miliknya. Ketika rahasia tentang asal-usulnya terungkap, ia merasa seperti kelomang yang tiba-tiba dihadapkan pada kenyataan bahwa cangkang yang ia pakai bukanlah cangkang yang seharusnya ia miliki. Sunyi menjadi semakin besar, memenuhi setiap celah hatinya.

Mungkin orang tua angkatnya mencintainya lebih dari segalanya, memilihnya dengan penuh kasih sayang. Namun, di balik cinta yang tulus itu, Sunyi tetap ada, menandai bahwa ada sesuatu yang tak pernah ia ketahui, sesuatu yang terpendam begitu dalam. Mereka mungkin tidak ingin ia terluka, tetapi keheningan yang mereka bangun selama ini menjadi belati yang menusuk tanpa disadari. Kebenaran, meski akhirnya terungkap, terasa seperti bayangan yang menghantui setiap langkahnya — bahkan di dalam cinta yang nyata.

Dalam diam, ia merasa tak pernah benar-benar berbicara lagi. Sunyi telah mengajarkannya tentang kebisuan yang tak terhindarkan, tentang jarak yang tak dapat dihapus meskipun cinta ada. Sunyi, yang dulu hanya hadir di pinggiran, kini memenuhi jiwanya. Ia sadar bahwa, meskipun dikelilingi oleh cinta dan kasih sayang, dirinya tetap seorang diri dalam menghadapi kebenaran yang terungkap.

Ia berharap, lebih dari sebelumnya, bahwa di kehidupan lain, ia adalah darah dari mereka yang selama ini mencintainya. Namun, dalam kehidupan ini, Sunyi telah mengajarkan bahwa cinta tak selalu menghapus sunyi, bahwa darah bukan satu-satunya yang mengikat hati. Dalam benaknya, Sunyi berdiam, menjadi saksi bisu dari harapan yang mungkin tak pernah terwujud.

Meski demikian, cinta mereka tetap nyata. Cangkang yang mereka berikan tetap indah, meski pecahan cangkang lamanya tak pernah bisa kembali utuh. Sunyi, dengan segala kebisuannya, mengingatkan bahwa meskipun ia sendiri dalam kebenaran ini, cinta orang tua angkatnya adalah sesuatu yang tetap bisa ia genggam — sekalipun Sunyi ada di antara mereka. Dan di sanalah, dalam keheningan yang menyelimuti, ia mendapati dirinya menerima Sunyi sebagai bagian dari hidupnya, serta menerima cinta orang tua angkatnya, meski darah mereka tak pernah menyatu.

Sunyi kini tak lagi menjadi musuh, tetapi teman setia yang mengajarinya bahwa meski dunia yang ia kenal telah runtuh, selalu ada harapan di dalam reruntuhan. Harapan bahwa di kehidupan lain, ia mungkin terlahir sebagai darah dan daging mereka. Namun di kehidupan ini, mereka telah memilihnya — dan cinta yang dipilih dengan kesadaran lebih kuat dari segala sunyi yang pernah hadir.

[desyalvnar]

Jakarta, 2024

The realization hits suddenly and quietly: she’s genuinely kind, sincere in ways I hadn’t seen before. Maybe it was never supposed to be anything more than a wonderful experience. I don’t have to hold resentment, even though you once meant everything to me. I know now that I shouldn’t have crossed certain lines, even if we looked happy together back then. Those moments belong in the past, and life continues to move in ways I still don’t fully understand.

I’ll remember each postcard you made for me, and the endless debates we took seriously but laughed about anyway. I’m grateful for all those memories, for all that time. And I’m sorry if my inability to accept myself or speak openly that affected you. I know you had your own path, your own distance, and accomplishments. I’ve always been proud of you, even from afar.

Thank you for being there in my youth and guiding me. I still remember the warmth of your family and those conversations that always fascinated me. You might be the best person I’ve ever known, and I’m sorry if I lost my way along the line.

I never wanted it to be like this, but every time I write, it feels as if the distance fades a little. Even with hints of you trying to keep promises we once made, you still belong in my past — and that’s where I’ll leave you. I only wish you the best, truly. Whoever is lucky enough to be with you in the future, I know you’ll love her well. And that’s why you’ll always be in my prayers; I’ll keep wishing you love.

[desyalvnar]

Life After College

I'll listen to this song...

I'm blessedly thankful for the opportunity to live my best life as I could in college. I met a lot of people and had opportunity to meet

[desyalvnar]

pertama kali jalan sama dia.

iya hari ini.

[desyalvnar]

Masih banyak hal lain yang mungkin tak kau ingat.

[desyalvnar]

Hope everything will always feel like home