devinhuynh9

[devinhuynh9]

Today I’ve spent a full day downstairs with my grandma and I’ve never been so flooded with all types of emotions. My lovable, kind, and strong grandma has become so empty, harsh, and stubborn. She’s had these episodes before but for the time they’ve happened, I’ve been away at college or haven’t encountered her much to see that phase in her life and it’s absolutely frightening. Her persona is so empty. She’s constantly lost in her own thoughts. Anyone who tried to make conversation with her was responded with a blank look or an extremely slow response. It’s just heartbreaking to see someone who has raised me as a child as well as almost all the children in my family. Even trying to make conversation she stopped me at one point and told me to stop asking questions because she’s not right at the moment. I think mental health is such a stigma and her children including my dad always blame it on her lack of sleep rather than addressing the actual underlying problem. She’s depressed. There have been so many signs and yes lack of sleep might be the triggering of it but we can’t keep putting it off. It doesn’t help that they don’t know how to deal with mental health by trying to force her to eat and sleep by pressing her to do it. Or literally talking about how she’s not right in the head in front of her. I wish I could communicate better and be more empathetic but sadly I can’t get fluent overnight. It’s heartbreaking because the type of life she’s lived the last couple years haven’t been fulfilling. She’s in physical pain all the time with something hurting. She’s often just lost in her thoughts because she’s bored around the house. On weekends everyone is out and she’s home alone with no social interaction and it’s sad. Everything just feels so hopeless, I want her to be right to see me graduate in a month and be able to comprehend it. 

[devinhuynh9]

So I’ve just had my third meeting with my counselor and I can say that it’s been really productive. We’ve had some pretty good breakthroughs and although I’m not extremely comfortable with telling her everything, we’ve been making progress and I can only be so grateful for taking on this opportunity to use the school counseling services before I graduate. Kind of wish I went to take it on earlier. For the past few months I’ve been having this really aggressive thoughts whether to myself or others and it frightens me because these thoughts are really not myself. I would describe myself as a passive and timid kind of person so when these thoughts come to mind it spirals down to a whole questioning of who I am. We realized that these thoughts kind of come about during transitioning periods when I’m transitioning to a different era of my life and maybe at times when I wish I was more assertive, this aggressiveness tries to pull up my passiveness which is a side I don’t exactly see. I really like my counselor cause instead of trying to focus on all my weaknesses like how I always am, she reminds me to focus on my strengths as well. We traced down how I do come from a family of depression and anxiety. My grandma who whenever she lacks sleeps over long periods of time becomes delusional and suicidal. She’s now going through another one of those episodes and it frightens me because I don’t think I can mentally cope with seeing my grandma who’s always been so wise and strong to feel like this. I think that the fact that it’s such a stigma to talk about mental health in Asian families that without the proper help, it does stick around for life. So with that, all I really want out of this is to understand my emotions and learn how to cope with them. Sometimes it gets unbearable but there’s too much to look forward to ever act on any of these thoughts.

[devinhuynh9]

So I’ve had my first brief intake with a counselor who took a bunch of notes and is going to assign me a therapist for the last couple weeks of school. I was completely nervous when my appointment time was getting closer. I even almost convinced myself that I felt better and that I really don’t need to see one. But I decided to walk to the building and I saw a bro sitting next to the alleyway to the room and quickly tried to avoid being seen and get by. Walking into the mental health center was kind of like a doctor’s office with a little waiting room and a window to talk to the front desk person. She told me to take a survey and questionnaire on these computers and I didn’t really like it because they were bubble in or check off questions that kind of didn’t let me give an explanation on some of the answers. There were pretty deep questions about if I’ve ever thought about hurting myself and what not on it and I wanted to give the explanation that yes, I do have those thoughts quite as often..but I’ve always been such a passive and timid guy that the thought of it is what really scares me which sends me down some spiraling loop of questioning myself and why some thoughts like that would even come across my head. The interview was really deep and uncomfortable. I understand that they’re worried about students actually harming themselves or others but this literally isn’t me. She got into asking questions like if I ever intended on acting on it, or if I’ve thought out different methods of doing it or if I’ve just wanted to make the thoughts go away. It was hard to answer cause like yeah I have but never in detail or deeply into how and I try to snap myself out of it when I do. I basically explained that I don’t think I’m depressed, just anxious all the time and it’s just how I’ve been raised to grow up. So many unexpected things have happened in my life and it’s kind of made me worry about the next unexpected thing to come up. I think I’ve tried so hard to be prepared for it but it’s lead to an unhealthy coping method that’s taken a beating on my mental health. She didn’t give much advice on how to deal with it but talking about it has really helped out and having supportive people have done a lot. I still have a hard time opening up to people about it and come to think of it, maybe I am a little depressed and I do kind of hate myself as a person but I really do value my life. I told the counselor that I wouldn’t do a such thing because I know in the end, I’m in control of my own actions and that I have too many people that love me that I could never think about hurting by being selfish. I try all these healthy things and I look forward to the future but it does get a little hard. I think I live in my own head sometimes that it gets pretty difficult but it’ll take some time. I’m supposed to be assigned a therapist within the next week or so, so until then I’ll keep working on myself.

[devinhuynh9]

So the last week or so, my anxiety has been extremely bad. I started reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” and something stuck out to be about how people in our generation has something called the Feedback Loop of Hell and it’s how we have a bad thought that makes us feel bad, then we begin to question why we had those thoughts and feel worse about it and it just digs us into some sort of hole. It’s become more apparent to me lately. Another thing was that we’re always exposed to these exceptional things, especially in social media where things that are the most exceptional obtain the most views or feedback. Like the best athlete or artist has done this exceptional things. Or the worst possible thing like a school shooting. It’s never anything in between. So to go back on these things, not to worry anyone but let’s say I’m driving on the freeway a random thought of wow, I can literally just jerk my car and I’ll hit the wall and I’d probably die or be seriously injured. Then I’ll question why the hell I’m even thinking about that and it’ll make me feel anxious as to why such a thought would even occur to me. And it kind of just leads to this emotional distress that I can’t bear. It’s been happening so often now just these random thoughts that make me begin to question why, and then I think something’s wrong with me and I can’t shut my head up. I’ve kind of had this all bottled in because I don’t think anyone understands and if I was to tell someone they’d call the police on me for being crazy. It’s not even like that though. But I think my mental health has taken a pretty big fall and it’s just weird because I think about it and I have absolutely nothing to really be depressed about, I don’t think I’m depressed but I’m just always anxious and paranoid. But I’ve finally worked up the courage to make an appointment with my school’s health center today to finally just figure out how to cope with these things. I wish I utilized it more but I think my anxiety has kind of taken a toll on the physical aspect of myself and I don’t want to develop any things further because of it. It’s kind of lifted off some stress off myself for today but we’ll see as time comes.

[devinhuynh9]

Still trying to really understand all my emotions and just find out what’s the first step to really approaching it. I think I’ve always been the type of person who had a well understanding about myself. I’m always questioning things but overthinking is always my weakness. I’ve found that talking about it is somewhat helpful but it’s all background noise that I either zone out or nothing exactly sticks with me. I think it’s my stubbornness of refusing to burden anyone else with my problems. It’s just felt nice to express it and know that I’m not alone per se. What I’ve really found to be the most helpful has been cold showers. As ridiculous as it sounds, I think the cold shock from cold showers everyday kind of makes me think of nothing else but how cold it is. It’s also been helping me with getting through my day. Since you kind of have to have the fuck it mentality to just jump in and it’s always not as bad as you think, just the initial move sucks. That’s kind of like everything else I’ve had to deal with recently. Nothing has been as bad as I thought, I just let overthinking and stress make it hard to take that initial move. Could’ve really tried to get a 4.0 GPA this . quarter by taking my final exam (my professor drops the lowest one) but I decided that I’ll stick with my 89% and just give me some time to focus on other things. Finals is next week and I’m just looking forward to spring break so I can just re-evaluate my focuses and just get my head out of the water to catch a breath.

[devinhuynh9]

I gotta admit, the last couple months have been pretty rough and my anxiety is getting harder to deal with. I’ve finally really taken notice on how much my anxiety plays such a huge role in my life. As a kid, my dad has always been the cautious type “don’t jump on the bed you’ll fall” “wear a helmet when you ride a bike, you’ll hit your head” “always make sure of your surroundings when you come home” and yeah it’s good to be careful but I think he instilled a type of fear that never let me grow and just be afraid of the world. Then it goes on to my mom abandoning us as kids, my dad getting losing his leg and almost his life in a truck-to-man accident to see that life’s a pretty cold place. And throughout college seeing how much it’s impacted me just the way I was always scared of being abandoned so I ended relationships and friendships before they ended with me and how I was always worried about every situation. Especially throughout college where I’ve had the most impactful things happening to me like getting arrested and losing so many friends to alcohol/drug induced incidents that I’m always fearful for the next bad thing to happen. When I’m driving I’m always having these panic attacks where I have a shortness or breath and I wonder if I just don’t have it worse enough where I completely break down or if these are just how I get them. I’ve kind of lost social connection with a lot of my friends because I don’t live at the house anymore. I’m trying all these things like meditating, taking cold showers, and exercising but I’m not quite there yet. I wonder if going to seek help will really be life-changing or if it’s all just a scam and it only works if you believe it to work. There’s so many things wrong that I wouldn’t even feel right going to my dad because he doesn’t need that added stress. I hate burdening anyone but it gets pretty exhausting on me to keep it all up. This stress and anxiety has affected my relationships, mental health, physical health, digestive systems, and how I’m going to grow up. The closer I’m getting to graduation the more I worry about just the future. It’s gonna be quite a journey to really get over this. Maybe I’ll write more, people say the year or two after graduation is going to extremely hard, I wanna say I know what to expect but I really don’t. My new favorite quote has been, “Speak it to existence” and so, I will overcome my anxiety.

[devinhuynh9]

I’ve noticed that I’ve kind of been having a short fuse and it actually scares me because it just doesn’t feel like me. I’ve now completed three straight weeks of mindfulness meditation which is a pretty big deal given the fact that I’ve never been this consistent with it. I wish I can pinpoint the underlying reason as to what’s going on with me and honestly what I really think it is, is that I’m going through drastic changes that I’m not yet accustomed to. Graduation is just around the corner and I have yet figured out what I want to do with my life. My deep fear of interviews and public speaking has only gotten worse without working and having conversation with customers, and living back at home where I’m not surrounded by friends to talk to. I’ve done exceptionally well in school this past fall which has probably been that trade-off of good grades, but lack of social life and I guess I’m just not feeling like myself. The amount of stress I feel everyday is catching up and spilling over into my daily life which is not very healthy. I try to imagine myself working a 9-5 everyday and hardly ever seeing/communicating with my college friends after a few months and it makes me pretty sad. I’m extremely grateful of the last 4-5 years I’ve had in college without a doubt. I’ve had a college experience that is probably ten folds more exciting than the average college student and I’ve met a ridiculous amount of people. Lately I’ve been catching myself having random memories pop up in my head and nostalgia overcoming me. What’s crazy is that I’m possibly getting back my phone from when I got it taken away after my hard summer incident and it’s loaded up with my first four years of college. I had to completely start over with my new phone so I guess that’d be cool to see when the petition goes through. It’s ironic because I want to think and plan for the future but without having to think about the future. I’ve been exposed to all the dark sides of life that are taboo that no one talks about and it’s constantly in my thoughts about how something that drastically change my life one day. All these years of disregarding my health will probably catch up as it has been catching up lately but ignorance is bliss and I’ve lacked the courage to have a full on check up.

[devinhuynh9]

Needed an outlet from such a emotionally draining last couple days. Although I never got the pleasure of personally meeting you, it has hit extremely close to home. I’m saddened because I saw you but I’ve never approached you to introduce myself to you. Hearing the fact that you said you felt lonely and suicidal the day before your death has made me feel heartbroken for you. Your last week alive was far from glamorous and I’m sorry for that. Your parents who’ve lost their first born has now lost their second and last child. I can’t imagine what kind of pain they’re going through. I wouldn’t be able to imagine losing both of my children. Can’t even go into details because this is the most saddening situation I’ve been through. A broken individual who just wanted to be loved and cared for, no one has any closure for almost everything ended on a bad note with everyone that’s interacted with you days before your death.

Life moves on but I simply can’t foresee the day this no longer hurts.

I’ve decided to express some things that I’ve taken from this.

1) I’ve always advocated how much I hate bars. It’s been the devil’s drug and this is the reason why. It’s never done any good for anyone and if you don’t voice your opinions about them and watch on the sidelines when friends or loved ones are hooked on them, then you should feel apart of it. If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem. Same with the person who sold it, especially fake ones. You deserve to get locked up for life and think about how your negligence has taken someone’s life. I hate anyone who sells bars, you are literally ruining someone’s life if you think about it. 

2) Check up on loved ones, I’ve been bad at really keeping up with relationships but I know if I was to be going through something, someone checking up on me would make all the differences in the world. Everyone just wants to be loved and cared for. 

3) People have it far more worse, I will no longer complain about things that I should never take for granted. My dad lecturing me to clean up, how hard school is, just life itself. I’m lucky to be have a dad to actually lecture me, to be going to school, and just to be breathing. People have it so much more worse.

4) Never leave things on a bad note. The amount of things left unsaid and lack of closure has broken everyone involved. Things can happen so unexpectedly and the guilt of not fixing things or thinking of how things could’ve been different if I did one thing differently could’ve changed things.

I’ve always known that I feel things deeply. It’s a blessing and a curse because I could love so hard but I can feel attached to something or someone without hardly even knowing someone. This will truly affect how I, along with many other people will live our lives after. So many signs, and yet no one was able to stop it.

[devinhuynh9]

It has been quite some time since I posted on this but finally found some time out of my day to reflect on just everything since school’s started. So...up to this point, I’ve kind of gotten sidetracked with just my priorities. School has actually been really productive, I’m starting to regret wasting two years on kinesiology because it was a waste of time, and it really impacted my GPA..plus who knows where I would’ve been if I got into business earlier. Living back at home has been really good and also really bad for me. For the good side, I live in a nice clean home instead of a disgusting frat house, I get to see my family a lot more often, I live closer to Ivonne, and I save money. The bad side is that it’s thrown my off my routine. I had a good gym schedule, living on my own gave me a freedom to really do what I want and when I want. A good and bad thing is that I have home cooked meals which means I practically don’t starve or skim my portions in order to make it through the week. Plus now that I have more money, I’ve been spending a lot more money. I now have monthly payments to the gym, coachella, I also see a chiropractor now because my posture has caused extremely bad neck and back pains, as well as a disney pass which all adds up to rent I would’ve paid actually. So school’s going well, relationships are going pretty well. I feel like now I’ve kind of solidified who I’ll probably stay close with after college and I already knew I’d give up talking to a lot of people I just partied with in my first couple years. Work’s been well, I’ve noticed that it’s kind of forced me out of my comfort zone being a server and having to interact with people. I’ve made some really great new friends but I would say it’s time to leave soon. One big thing I’m stressing about is just getting an internship in order to graduate. I absolutely need one already and there’s too much going on for me to get it done. Plus my insane fear of interviews are getting in the way of me doing so. I’m also about to finish the first book I’ve ever started reading leisurely and it’s completely changed my whole attitude about life. I feel like today’s been the first step of just getting adjusted to my new life. Things have changed drastically and I gotta admit that it’s been for the better. Now that some things are finally behind me, things are starting to fall into place, and I’m really getting to understand myself and just who I am as a person and who I want to become has helped give me a sense of direction. I got a good thing going on, future’s a little scary but I’m kind of excited to see what’s in store for the next 12 months.

[devinhuynh9]

It’s definitely been a while and I guess I don’t really have an excuse for not writing. Maybe a lack of reflection from time to time has just made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable with myself. Life’s starting to really hit me that adult life is coming up fast. Graduating in a few months with absolutely no internship experience and no absolute idea of where life is going to take me next is a bit scary. I mean in some way I am embracing this crazy struggle I’m going through because they’ve all lead me to some great accomplishment or success. At this moment in life I’m just really unhappy with where I’m at. I have been reminiscent and just regretting a lot of things I wasn’t able to follow through with or take the opportunity with in college. I wish I joined clubs and networked or saved up money and started investing early. I haven’t been able to work out lately just because..well honestly I have no valid excuses for it, I just haven’t gotten adjusted since moving back home. I’ve been spending way more money than I’ve been making and that’s a big problem for sure. When did I start being like this? I swear I was really good at budgeting my money the first couple years of college. I mean I have extremely great relationships with everyone at the moment, I feel like everyone around me is starting to realize that this is really it and just being more appreciative of the time we have left together. My knee, back, and neck have been probably a big part of what’s been bothering me lately because I can’t shake off this pain. Everything is constantly aching and I don’t know how adults who suffer from chronic pain really get through their day cause it’s pretty tough. I’m just feeling all the partying and not taking care of myself really catch up to me and I’m barely 22. It makes me really wonder how I’m gonna make it to 30. On the plus side, my case has finally been dismissed. After 15 months or so, my record is finally somewhat clean but I don’t even know why I’m not excited or happy about it. It’s always been a lingering problem but I guess it just feels surreal. Bought another book that I really need to start reading cause it just gets left in my car or something but life’s just hitting another bump and I’m hoping things start looking up soon but I know all this can turn around, it just takes a little discipline.

[devinhuynh9]

Nostalgic

Lately I’ve been kind of sad. I’ve tried to think about it and maybe it’s a result of just all the devastating things that have been happening on the news. I’ve always observed that adults and elders have been kind of numb to everything as they get older and I guess I’m starting to make that transition and understand why that is. My dad talks about people passing away like it’s nothing, and my grandma jokes about how she’s waiting for her time to come and it’s depressing to hear. If that’s really how it’s supposed to be then just cut me off at 65. After hearing about all the hurricanes, earthquakes, the vegas shooting, and someone who I’ve known of and seen a few times pass away, it just feels like the world only gets colder. Going back to the vegas shooting, I’ve had plenty of events shape my thought process to always be cautious and expect the worst in all situations. My dad has programmed it in me. I hate how I sometimes let this fear overcome me but life’s gone like that. Because the 626 is a small community, everyone knows everyone. There was this guy who I’d see around and just from pictures and everything he always seemed outgoing and just wild but in a charismatic way. He lost his life literally a day after his birthday and actually being childhood friends with his girlfriend is just so devastating to see her mourn and post over him. How she’s slept next to him every night and now that’s all gone. They’re 24/25 madly in love and I think it’s a blessing and a curse to be able to be so empathetic because I put myself in her position. I’m imagining how she feels and I can’t even comprehend how broken she feels. The fact that I try so hard to create a strong emotional bond seems like it would just completely shatter me as a person. And to think that it could happen in a blink of an eye to basically anyone. Anyone can have their loved ones snatched from them and to have it completely unexpected is probably the most life changing situation and I personally know some people who have never bounced back to themselves after those situations. I’ve just been nostalgic thinking about basically everyone that I’ve crossed paths with especially in college where I’ve made the most connections with people. Walking past my old dorm, living vicariously through our newer boys and just the way they’re living life brings back memories, songs, pictures, pretty much anything and everything. Saw a post from that guy’s ex girlfriend and she talked about how she wish she hadn’t ended the conversation months ago because they haven’t talked since then and she wish she got to tell him that she never actually hated him. It’s like I know I shouldn’t be living in fear or sadness because it’ll just stop me from living for myself and I think I’ve been in this crisis where I feel like I’m just thrown off and I’m conflicted with my own purpose. Just need to really take the time to go back to my roots and put myself back on track.

[devinhuynh9]

Life’s pretty surreal, I think it’s hitting me that adulting is coming at me quick. I’ve started my last first day of school, most likely for good cause I really don’t want to go back to get my masters or anything. Just want to make a good amount of ends this year so I can make trading a good enough hobby that I can do it and be good enough where I don’t have to work a job that I don’t like. Been working on just getting in touch with myself and trying really hard to break some bad habits. I know I have some bad habits of feeling sorry for myself or trying to get others to feel sorry for me but I’m going to change that. I catch myself before I speak and just suck it up and I think everyday I really am trying to improve myself. If I counted correctly, I might’ve officially meditated for a week straight already which is the most I’ve ever done consecutively. Crazy that my sister’s moving into college tomorrow. She’s growing up and I’m sad and scared for her but I know she’s going to make smart choices and if not, she’ll learn from her mistakes cause I sure made a lot of them in college.

I can honestly say that life’s been pretty damn great the last six months. Even those around me seem to be doing well and it makes me happy that everything’s just been falling together for others, especially people that have deserved these overdue blessings. My dad’s been one of them. I haven’t seen him so happy in over a decade. I think his girlfriend is responsible for a big part of that. Even though it’s sad that my dad is always out and about now, it’s been well deserved. Found out that his girlfriend used to be his neighbor in vietnam. They actually dated back in 1985 but my dad worked mornings and she worked nights so it didn’t work out and he was unable to pursue her. This year my uncle ran into her and asked her for her number to give to my dad and they’ve rekindled and been in love ever since. This is one of those meant to be type of things and I’m glad they’ve found their way back together. Crazy to think that if they worked out, none of us would be here right now. Haven’t really updated much but I think it’s because when life goes pretty well, there’s really not much to write and bitch about lol.

[devinhuynh9]

After a hectic last couple weeks, I’ve finally found some time to write. It’s been a pretty crazy two weeks. Having to find time to gym, balance out school, try to get ahead on all my homework, quizzes, and exams before leaving to Seattle, moving out of my house where we’ve accumulated an insane amount of shit for the past two years and trying to squeeze all our trash into our trash can once a week, while working and maintaining relationships with people. It’s just been pretty stressful and it’s not over yet. Although I’m finally on my last week of summer school, I’m now trying to work hella hours to make back all I spent the last couple weeks while also having enough to go out and invest in. Seattle was a lot of fun, haven’t seen Ivonne in over a month. I thought spending a week straight together meant one of us was bound to get annoyed or sick of each other but that definitely wasn’t the case. Everyone says traveling with a significant other is a true test to a relationship but honestly it was easy going and lots of fun. Crazy to say that I have a girlfriend now. I haven’t had anything real and official since like freshmen year of high school. It’s funny because after we came back and went to the Khalid, the next day I had to leave to a family lunch and she had one as well and it was weird for us to finally be apart after spending over a week together. We ended up hanging out together the same night and it’s crazy cause both of us are so willing to drive a good distance each time to see each other. Guess I’ve never met someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs and it’s quite an amazing feeling. Can’t wait for summer to end so I can enjoy my last few weeks of summer.

[devinhuynh9]

Honestly so stressed and overwhelmed. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and there’s so many factors that are apart of this. I’ve been listening to podcasts for like personal growth and self help and trying to take in all these things to build grit and hustle and then taking upon all these things. With summer school coming to an end and crunch time happening just in time during my seattle trip so having to finish everything before or at least making time to finish it during is giving me mad stress. Moving home has been overwhelming with the amount of things I have. Also need to learn to not invest all my money cause now I’m just stressing about not having enough to spend and my mood’s been reflecting on how my portfolio is doing which isn’t good. Been kicking myself down at the poor decisions I’ve been making when it comes to the choices I make that result in a loss. Also my lawyer messed up on my monthly payments so I’ve been overcharged almost 1000 dollars...Lastly, I had a meeting with my case manager to hopefully complete the last task that needs to be done before officially being able to move on from my incident last hard summer. I’m at a much better spot than I was this time last year, guess I gotta keep reminding myself that you gotta breakdown to have breakthroughs. I’ll be fine...Ivonne’s gonna be back in 3 days. We have Seattle, Khalid, and Ikea dates to find for our rooms. Summer school’s coming to an end. I’ll get through this but this whole showing no weakness or emotion really ain’t me, probably another reason why I just haven’t felt like myself cause I’ve been so busy with school and work that I haven’t made time to talk to anyone about everything going on.

[devinhuynh9]

Going to try and do things regular people in their 20s don’t do. After talking to the right people, I realized how great of an opportunity it would be to get that internship and I gained the confidence to contact them. It was extremely intense talking to someone who I just saw at parties when I crossed to now be ballin as fuck and honestly on the road to becoming a millionaire. It was a lot of pressure from him because I know he’s an extremely good mentor but he will challenge me like no other. It’s a full time internship and I’m willing to quit my part time job and work around my school schedule but with traveling plans this month, I wasn’t going to give that up. So he goes on to talk about how he gave up a 3 month trip to thailand to learn muay thai from the greats to learn data analysis for 9 months for a shit pay and boring job but to him it was worth it. He said I have to be willing to give up my social life and not treat this as a job but treat it with meaning and purpose. This was a lot to take in with the fact that I have so much going on but I knew it was kind of an opportunity in a lifetime so as long as I was decisive with what I want, he might be able to work around my schedule. I realized that this is the first field that I actually found a huge interest and passion in so I hope this pulls through.

Also just working on building some structure and discipline in my life. Really lack planning and organizing my life so going to give up the planner and move onto google calendars on my phone. Seeing a good amount of progress on my strength, my bench went up from 165 to 170, squat went up from 205 to 245, and deadlifts went up from 235 to 275. Setting the goal to hit 200 on bench by the end of 2017 and 1000 lbs total by then as well. Really need to find the motivation to get back into meditating, I feel like calming my nerves would be beneficial in so many ways. Also since our house is out of gas, I’ve been taking cold showers and I feel like it builds character so gonna try to keep pushing myself to do more and excited to embark on this whole journey. 

[devinhuynh9]

Fear and anxiety has held me back from so many life changing opportunities and I really want to find a way to face them. There was an amazing summer internship opportunity that would focus a lot on what I’m currently investing in which was in my area and hosted by a bro...but I couldn’t even get myself to hit him up because I felt like I wasn’t knowledgable enough or driven enough to take it and I have major regrets about it. Now that I’m finally seeing progress in my credibility about it, I deeply regret not taking up the opportunity to have an incredible mentor teach me all I want to know and could have possibly fast tracked me to making a huge return. In order to really grow as a person I need to start facing my fears and stop letting my crippling anxiety stop me from fully reaching what I know I’m capable of. Been talking to a few driven bros has inspired me to set up some insane, but reachable goals if the right steps are taken.

By 25, I would like to fully pay off my student debt and become debt free of anything that I’ll accumulate until then.

By 30, I would like to buy my own house.

By 40, I would like to retire.

I’m not talking about a completely lavish retirement where I’ll have vacation homes throughout SoCal, but enough where I don’t have to financially worry about myself or family. This is all extremely do-able and I have a good feeling about these goals.

[devinhuynh9]

After packing for the last few weeks, I realized how much of a hoarder I am. I have shit that people probably would’ve expected me to throw away because it’s no big deal but I somehow still have everything that even has some sort of sentimental value. I mean honestly I feel like I’m ready to move back home, I don’t think there’s much in me that is sad about not living with everyone next year. It’s the end of an era.

Since it seems fitting for all this change, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and it’s almost frightening that it’s about to start so soon. I try not to worry myself because I know for a fact that 10 years from now, I’ll be settling down in life in my career and whatever else is supposed to happen in my 30s, but I’m unsure of how I’ll get there in between. Seeing my friends who have all this experience under their belt who are extremely extroverted and is just so outgoing makes me a little envious that it takes a lot of stress and anxiety to just apply in the first place let alone do an interview. I actually would like to be in an uncomfortable position right now because that’s where the real growth begins. So can life throw something challenging at me soon?