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moving back in with a homophobic parent who KNOWS you're lgbtqia+ for YEARS and yet still denies it and is spouting hate and ALSO says that "I believe God will change you." (In that sorta sense), and I'm stuck having to be shoved back in the closet just... sucks. It's exhausting, and it's making me so irritable because I can't have that freedom anymore to Just. Be. Me.

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I desperately need someone to tell me that being queer & religious is definitely okay. I long for a sense of comfort and uncontrollable crying that it is deemed alright in God's eyes.

(Definitely not watching Castlevania Nocturne S2 haha...)

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That moment when you need a break from a show cause it's too emotional and you can't stop crying

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I want to be an animal.

I see squirrels who bounce when they run, they look like slinky toys.

Cats who purr and headbutt you.

Goats who bleat and stand on top of another for whimsy.

And us, as humans who have animalistic traits but heed them away due to society looking down on them, is downright ridiculous.

Some things I do that "aren't normal"

• I gnaw on my family's arms as a sign of affection.

● I headbutt their shoulders for attention

● non-verbal actions

● wanting to have a chew toy so badly

● making a nest in my bed (den)

● having the drive to hunt animals, feeling the sensation tingling in my hands

● biting and running away with an object someone in my family was holding, to be mischievous

● eating meat and making it into bite-sized pieces only using my teeth and without utensils

● and many more

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The idealist thought of "oh how things were simpler back then." Where community was more tight-knit and people made jewelery out of beads from trees and stones and acorns. Making ceramics and bowls out of clay and wood. Carving, whittling, sewing. Not a care in the world about taxes, because there were none.

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I also so badly wish to taste sangria on my tongue. Which locals also call it "gasolina" over here. Those caprisun purple pouches filled with a sweet wine.

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If I pay close attention enough, I feel like certain moments are like deja vu.

But those could just be dreams I had years ago, snippets of moments now and sometime in the future.

I'm overly aware of it, and it make me feel like I'm insane.

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Today, I asked someone: "Have you ever thought what life would be like if you were an animal?"

She replied, "No, I'm fine being human."

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Can't find the words to say this. It's just a terrible feeling. My church preaching about the revelation and the end of the world and how it's getting closer and closer. It's all too much... I'm tired...

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I hate it when people use phrases like "survival of the fittest" when referring to humanity, especially towards those who have disabilities.

No. These phrases are not a description of how humans evolved. We are social creatures. We are empathetic creatures. There are so many archaeological sites where a disabled person has survived to adulthood due to the care provided by their community.

Don't use modern and false ideologies when referring to those with disabilities as "weak" or something that slowed humanity down. The care that our ancestors provided them so that they too could have a life should be celebrated as its the reason we are where we are.

Seeing people be selfish and downright ableist and then claim it to be "natural" is infuriating beyond belief. Our nature is to care about each other.

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The best feeling ever is when you feel the weight of your burdens, sadness, worries, anything that's been impacting you mentally, lift off your shoulders the second you step foot in church.

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I'm on vacation, and there's been family issues, so I'm having to move back to my mom's who is homophobic and every day, we get closer to being back home I just feel dread and depressed. I don't want to hide who I am... I barely have any friends at the moment. I'll be lonely again.

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Worst off is having a pastor who supports Republicans. She's an immigrant... and so are others in the church I attend. Though, I see some don't uphold the value she has.

However, she was speaking about homophobic things in her sermon a couple of times. And it just hurts. I never want to be someone who goes against others for who they love or who they are in that way. I vowed to myself I wouldn't be hateful. And I'm not. But I'm afraid what if I'm influenced to the "Right?"...

She knows I'm an ally. And a questioning queer. She put me on the spotlight once, and people didn't want to shake my hand after sermon that night.... there's nothing wrong with being gay... right?

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I wish I hadn't been taught the book of Revelations so soon early off in me being a Baby Christian. Everything feels overwhelming and stressful... It's all written. It's forced destiny. We can't change what's going to happen. It feels... hopeless. I just wanted to live a good life. But so much is happening and "I'm tired".