diary-of-a-dead-fox

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I want to CRYYY

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I tried to tell my mom about my struggles with eating on Friday but I chickened out. I was super stressed about going back home and talked about it with her. I wanted to say that the thing stressing me out the most is if I'd fall back to eating less.

Couldn't bring myself to do so. I told hubby about it today after mom was gone and he encouraged me to share it with her. Maybe I'll try again later.

We'll see her in October the next time if nothing special happens before it.

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I need to be empty. All the time. I can't control it i have to be empty i need to feel my stomach eat itself

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

It's been only like 8-12°C outside here in the mornings and evenings 😍🍁🍂

It's about to be fall! 🧡

Ooohhh it smells like autumn, it's brisk outside and smells like rain

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Been definitely over-eating for the past two days. Nothing resembling a binge, but way bigger portion sizes than usual. Probably a few hundred calories over my TDEE I'd say.

I've got two more days before I can weigh myself again so I'm locking back in for it. If I manage to stay in my usual portion control I'll allow myself to use the laxatives before weighing to get my "real" weight.

I hate it and I love it how eating more actually made me happier. I had so much more mental energy and I enjoyed the little things in a way I haven't in a long, long time. Physically I didn't notice that much of a difference, but I have to admit I hated the feeling when I was full of food. I felt so dirty. Today I woke up feeling hungry which is quite abnormal for me and it made me snap out of the over-eating. Being a little hungry makes me just feel so much better of myself.

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

“draw a picture of a dinner table covered in all your favorite foods, surrounded by six of the closest people in your life”

ma’am I have an ︀︀︀︀︀︀è̷̛̗̳͚̙͇̘͍͕̊̑̿͘͜â̸̠̋ţ̸̛̞̒̑̌́̄̽̀͝ī̶̧͙͖̲̘n̸͉̠̘̲̼̼̩͗͒̕͝͝ḡ̴̛͓̬͒̓̉̉̐́͘̕͜ d̶͇͆̓̂̆͌͛͠ī̶̧͙͖̲̘s̷̠͕̪̥͐̌ō̵̝̭͙̊r̵̨͇̰̭̜̈́͑d̶͇͆̓̂̆͌͛͠è̷̛̗̳͚̙͇̘͍͕̊̑̿͘͜r̵̨͇̰̭̜̈́͑ and two friends

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

The way I kept grabbing my own hip bones last night was truly a new thing for me ?????

Who the f holds their own bones for emotional support?? WHILE SLEEPING?

Hunger feels so comforting right now. I hate how I turn to it for safety...

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Ugh I know I was supposed to maintain but I just started counting how much I could've lost this month if I'd be in certain deficits.

300c a day would be 1kg lost for the whole trip.

500c a day would be 1.7kg.

800c a day would be a whopping 2.7kg down.

But deep down I know, no matter how much I lose (if I even lose any) it's not gonna be enough unless I'm under 50kg when we get home... It's never gonna be enough.

It's never gonna be enough...

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Hunger feels so comforting right now. I hate how I turn to it for safety...

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I'm here!

I think i may have gotten termed

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Pre-run, intra-run and post-run pics from today

Had to wear my rubber boots while crossing the lake because the grass was so wet at the cottage in the morning.

Intra-run snack was a raisin-oatmeal cookie (DELICIOUS and I will make them again for runs) and some candies. I usually take something with quick sugars with me for my runs because I never know if I'm going for a <10k or +15k run when I leave. Today was supposed to be a <10k run but I got lost halfway.

The full run was shy over 15k, managed to break my previous pr too.

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I need to start taking some bodychecks before being away from a scale for extended periods of time like this. Or maybe take measurements bc I'm fucking blind to myself.

I just tried to wrap my fingers around my wrist and it was a little higher than I remember it being, but because I don't really do that that often I might just remember incorrectly.

Also because my fingers are really short and stubby it's not that high up in general :(

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Nutritional guides

(All credits go to kiri on 📌terest)

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

Additions of mine

Hungry = BORED

Cravings = not enough electrolytes (no clue where this came from?????)

Dizziness = I just completely ignore this as an ed thing, my shoulders are just tight and I have low blood pressure

Physical hunger cues = stress/anxiety bc I feel them in my tummy where the anxiety is stored

My brain works so backwards honestly and it's funny cuz I've kind of unintentionally trained it to be like that

Hungry = thirsty

Bothersome hunger pangs = reason to keep going

Neg symptoms from fasting = motivation

Fucking suffering = feel proud, it's working

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

this is a reminder that even if you are not underweight your ed is still valid!

this is not a weight disorder it’s a MENTAL disorder.

you can be at any size, don’t worry your struggles are still valid.

this is a reminder to myself too since my mind try to sabotage me by saying that i’m not sick enough because i’m at a healthy bmi.

but remember, even if you are overweight, you can still struggle with a restrictive ed.

(literally less than 6% of people suffering from an orexia are underweight)

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I'm locked the fuck back in*!

*) i skipped one meal

[diary-of-a-dead-fox]

I've fucked my fiance's closest childhood friend, I'm saying you're safe

Guys is it a good idea to fuck my sister's fiancé's closest childhood friend