diaryformyanxiety

[diaryformyanxiety]

everyone comes before me

And that’s my fault

I am suicidal. I am sad. I am angry. I purposely hurt myself. I minimize.

everyone will still come before me

[diaryformyanxiety]

I minimize

I minimize because I’ve always felt small. I’ve always felt less than.

I’ve always felt my trauma, my emotions weren’t as important as everyone else’s.

I’ve tried. I have tried not to minimize.

I give up

[diaryformyanxiety]

finding comfort

in all the things

that gave me trauma

what does that make me?

[diaryformyanxiety]

It was Saturday night at the fair. The busiest night, the loudest night. There’s a building. At the fair grounds. It’s red. It sits above the playground.

He use to work there with his dad during the fair. I didn’t expect to be able to hang out with him that night. He was supposed to be busy.

I got high on the picnic tables down the hill while he watched.

He knew I smoked. He was okay with it. He wasn’t okay with the people sitting near me.

I watched as he came down. I could tell he was mad. He came up to table. Everyone was excited to see him. His friends. Our friends.

He grabbed my hand and I followed behind him. He was being gentle. He smiled at me. He called me baby.

He no longer seemed mad. He seemed safe. His hands holding mine. Him holding my back as we walked up the steep hill.

He was my protector. He saved me. He knew what J did to me and he helped me. He was my savior. And I was so in love with him.

He opened the doors to the red building. That was my first time being in there. It was mostly storage. Wood. Boxes. A metal chair. The floors were concrete. I don’t remember the walls. But it was packed full of tools, wood, storage boxes.

The lighting was orange. The light was dull. I remember hearing the cheers and music coming from the main stage.

He followed behind me. I turned around after walking a few steps in. He locked the door and walked towards me.

I thought he would hug me. Kiss me. I thought I was safe.

He started screaming at me. His hands grabbed the tops of my arms. He pushed me. I stumbled. I was still facing him. I remember trying to speak. I didn’t know why he was so mad.

He pushed me again. This time my head hit something hard. The wall. My head bounced off of it. I couldn’t concentrate on that. His hands grabbing my face. Yelling at me.

I remember his eyes. No longer blue. His smile was gone. I’ve seen him angry before. I’ve felt his anger before but never like this.

He took his hand from my face. I tried speaking again. I don’t remember what I tried to say. I know I was crying. His hands reached back up but this time grabbing my throat.

Both of his hands fit perfectly in my neck. He was yelling again. “This is your fault” He screamed.

My tears were burning. Running down my cheeks. I often wonder if he felt them. I tried screaming. I tried pleasing. Begging.

I was choking. Gasping. I couldn’t breathe. I focused on the music. The stupid music and laughter of the people right outside.

I thought “is this where I die?”

How long does it take? When will my gasps stop? Am I supposed to fight him?

My hands were at my side. I couldn’t feel anything. I was losing my vision. Black spots. He was blurry. I was hoping he would disappear soon.

He stopped.

I remember falling to the floor.

He came to my side. He was apologizing. I don’t remember what he said.

He comforted me. I wiped my tears. I remember apologizing to him. I couldn’t look at him but he made me.

I saw his blue eyes again. He kissed me.

I felt safe again.

I didn’t want to be a victim.

I forgave him.

[diaryformyanxiety]

the first time I was scared of driving was the first time I truly understood death

the first time I questioned god

the shove I needed to start writing suicide notes

i met him when i was eleven

and i loved him

for two years i got to love him

i loved him from afar, up close, over the phone, through endless text messages

he was my “he broke my heart”

i was his “you deserve better”

he was my “they called me ugly”

i was his “and you believe them?”

he was my “i have a new boyfriend”

i was his “I’ll wait until that’s over”

he was my right person

i was his never the right time

puppy love. I know it was puppy love. but at that time? for me.. it was everything.

he died less than a month before my fourteenth birthday. he was only sixteen. he is sixteen.

06222012 haunts me

I talked to him the week prior. he was supposed to come to North Carolina too. plans changed.

i woke up to so many missed calls.

they haunt me. the texts. the calls.

i screamed. my cries became screams. my eyes became swollen. my cheeks were in pain. my brain was on fire. i couldn’t breathe.

i missed his funeral. i have never been able to visit his grave. i texted and called until the number disconnected. i can never get rid of my old Facebook page to read the the only messages we have left.

weeks passed. the dreams started.

some of them were so good. he was still alive. i got to feel him again. his voice. his beautiful smile and laugh.. I got to be with him again.

those dreams. they feel like memories. his hand touching mine. tracing my fingers over his back. he was still alive to me.

the last time i saw him alive in my dreams. the first words he said to me when he turned his head to look at me were “Becca what are you still doing here?” with his smile. I remember crying. Not being able to speak. But he was alive. he was still alive.

then the nightmares came

the same one where he was driving and I watched him die. his blood. his screams. his brain. his body. I watched. I would try to look away but it would surround me. Suffocate me.

every nightmare the angles would change. outside. the backseat. the passenger seat.

i watched him die. over and over again. His screams haunt me still.

it took me years to truly accept his death as his own. I wanted so badly to die too. I wanted to be with him.

the nightmares lasted until I was 16. his death at first. for months. Then my own. car accidents over and over again.

my anxiety from not being able to drive started with this. the nightmares are gone now. but the memories they created are there. the realness of it all. the pain i feel when i think too hard about them. the heat. the smell of tar. the sounds.

it wasn’t real. i know it wasn’t real.

but it felt real.

it still feels real.

we joked about being married a lot. he would tell me he was fine that we dated other people. he knew he would marry me. I believe him. i still want to believe him.

and i still can’t tell him goodbye. i still can’t visit his grave. our memories even the dreams. i never want to let go of. I never want to believe he’s really gone. I accept his death. but I’ll never accept that he’s gone.

the guilt I started to feel on my sixteenth birthday. knowing he died when he was sixteen. How unfair it felt that I was alive and he was stuck at sixteen forever.

the guilt. the anxiety. it created a hole inside of me and driving?

I see him. I feel him anytime I’ve had to drive. I feel his hands. I’ll hear his screams. His laughter. His voice. I’ll smell the tar. and the guilt sits in my throat. the anxiety settles in my chest. the feeling of death surrounds me.

but it’s just driving anxiety.

[diaryformyanxiety]

I first feel it in my arms.

the numbness and tingling in my fingers.

Then my legs.

My body will start moving on its own

Going through the motions

I’ll feel it in my brain

the tingling

my face will have no movement

my voice starts to sound robotic

“yeah” “mhm” “okay”

then it happens

the shutdown

I feel nothing

my emotions disappear

and I’ll fade

until I can feel again

[diaryformyanxiety]

did god see you?

when we praised him together

was he watching you?

when i begged you to stop

did you ask him for forgiveness?

like the forgiveness i gave you

did god see you?

when we were outside of his house

was he watching you?

when you told everyone i broke your heart

did you ask him for forgiveness?

when you watched everyone turn their back on me

i will call upon your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am yours

And you are mine

god did you see the light leave my eyes?

when he was hurting me

did you watch when my begs became whimpers?

when we were outside of your home in your driveway

did you forgive him?

when i cried on your doorsteps for a way out

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So i will call upon YOUR NAME

did you see god?

when i stopped believing

did you watch?

when i called upon your name

did you forgive me?

when you failed me

[diaryformyanxiety]

the moon

i don’t mean the one in the sky

the one you had in your phone

not once

but twice

you took the moon

You saw every crevice, every orifice of her

my beautiful moon

the one you stole from my sky

the shadows you left behind

her beautiful soul taken by you

[diaryformyanxiety]

freshly cut wood

Orange lighting

smooth guitar

cheering echos

squeaky metal chair

His soft voice telling me to come

how can I feel him but nothing else?

beautiful blue eyes

spearamint gun

wooden boxes dragged against the floor

tripping over power tools

laughing too loud

why did his eyes change change from blue to black?

His lips touching mine

I felt his smile

Wind behind my back

Pain in my head

When did that wall get behind me?

His hands around my neck

His fingers pressing against my windpipe

why are his whispers so loud?

the taste of blood

black dots in my vision

my gasps turn to chokes

hot tears burning my cheeks

his face now blurry

Is this when I die?

his thumb pressing into my check

his hand wrapped around my face

the darkness in his voice

Why is the room spinning?

shadows on the wall

echos of music

laughter all around

the cold concrete on my palms

my untied laces

when did I fall to the floor?

His face

His soft voice

His beautiful eyes

Looking down at me

His arms around me

Whispers in my ear

Is it over? Am I alive?

[diaryformyanxiety]

I was 17

when my friends and I went to the duck offs to get high. no one ever showed up so we thought it was safe.

when a car pulled in, my friends jumped in the truck but I couldn’t get in the passenger seat.

when the car pulled in, two guys were familiar but their uncle wasn’t.

they walked up wanting to smoke with us.

My friend opens her door, i stood behind it. Our other friend stayed in the back seat.

They came closer to smoke.

I don’t remember speaking to them.

Their uncle came behind the door to stand behind me. He pressed himself against me. I was stuck.

My friends stared at me while talking to the two younger men.

The man behind me started touching me. I became frozen.

He brushed my hair behind my ear. His hand touched my back. He grabbed my ass.

I was frozen.

He kept touching me, whispering to me. He put his hands on my breasts.

I can still feel find hands start to pick my shirt up. His fingers touching the bottom of my back. His breath on my neck. The hardness of his dick pressing against my ass.

When everyone finished smoking. I walked to the passenger side. My friend that sat in the back seat asked if I was okay.

My friend in the drivers seat laughed and said thank God it didn’t go further.

We laughed. I laughed. I told them I was okay.

[diaryformyanxiety]

I was 16

I thought I was in love

He was good to me

He treated me like a princess

We planned a future together

We went to church together. Wednesdays and Sundays.

On Sundays I stayed at his house after morning church so we could attend night church together.

On Sundays we would watch TV. He would tell his younger siblings to stay in their room.

On Sundays he showed he his room. His knife collection.

On Sundays he would swing together on their family porch swing. It sat underneath a beautiful oak tree with lights.

On Sundays he would finger me on that swing.

On Sundays I would cry and beg him to stop.

On Sundays I would bite his arm in pain.

On Sundays he would drive his car to church a hour early.

On Sundays we would sit in the parking lot, in the back seat of his car.

On Sundays he would finger me in the car while putting my hand on his dick.

On Sundays he would finger me harder if I moved my hand away from him.

On Sundays I played the dutiful girlfriend.

On Sundays I cried on the floor in front of the preacher while everyone put their hand on my back.

On Sundays his family would comfort me while he blamed my mental health issues.

I was 16

I thought I was in love

I thought he was good to me

I thought he treated me like a princess

We planned a future together.

[diaryformyanxiety]

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?

The lord took her away from me

She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got be good

So I can see my baby when I leave this world

[diaryformyanxiety]

I’m a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, Nanny.

when will I be able to be a good person.

[diaryformyanxiety]

I thought I had a break through. I thought if I finally told people what was going on they would finally give me the break I needed.

No one is listening.

And I feel myself slipping away.

[diaryformyanxiety]

i don’t think I could ever be a mom

I feel like I already am one but my children belong to someone else.

[diaryformyanxiety]

they take and take and take and take

[diaryformyanxiety]

How do I heal from this? Am I supposed to heal from this?

This feeling of wanting to leave and actually find myself. Could I do it? Could I leave even just for a month? I’ve always been so scared of the world. I’m not afraid of death but I’m afraid of the everything else.

I’ve never wanted more for myself. I’ve always been content. But it’s been weeks now or maybe months and I can’t shake this.

I’ve never felt more lonely than I have at this very moment. I could be surrounded by the people I love and still feel so completely alone.

At the same time I want to die. I feel like I am ready for my life to end. I feel like at this point my two choices are leaving or dying.

I’m not happy with it. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or maybe I never really knew myself.

When I try to explain this to people I minimize it.

What the fuck am I even looking for? Where would I go?

I’m literally going insane