dingdingdongthebitchisntgone

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Today apparently. Dave foundy alt tiktok that I had used to vent about him for YEARS and liked

Every

Single

Post

about

him

And I'm just

Gonna carry on like normal ig

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Well.

Today's the last day we're staying at the trailer, Dave is already completely moved out and is back at his parents the only reason I'm not yet is my bed is still here

And I feel like I'm a failure in everything in my life. I couldn't even do the One singular fucking adult thing of living on my own. I couldn't suck it up and just deal with it. Having to crawl back to my parents where now i know ill never leave because they're old and its just not right for me to leave them now. Especially bc dad needs help on the farm now

Im 25 and already completed my list of shit to do in life. I dont see the point in trying for a relationship because they all just seem to fail for me. I'm not a nice person when I've hit my limit and i push everyone away. Yeah i lasted onger than i thought i would with daves ass not doing anything but like

Look where it got me anyway

Nothing. Still going to be back in the bedroom i used to hide in from my dad. The career i GOT MY EDUCATION FOR will never change and be better so I don't see a point in that anymore. Im just so over absolutely everything in my life

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

I did it

I told him i wasnt doing this anymore and that after the end of October im/we're moving out

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

I'm pretty sure that Dave doesn't secretly have a job waiting for me whenever I go back there so that means I get to deal with the absolute fall out of him telling me I'm ruining his life or whatever because I'm going to be like we're not renewing the lease fuck you

I just got a notification from that fucking money loan app I use

And I can't wait until I can delete it and never use it again😭😭 things aren't going to be perfect but oh my God they're going to be so much better at least financially and I'm going to be outside of shit tone more so I'm probably going to be doing a lot better brainwise. My life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to and I'm never leaving this fucking town but hey you know what it's fine I can just be the weird bird lady for the rest of my life. I can get back into animal rescue too

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Got to the point that even though Dave is being nice now I want nothing to do with him and I want to leave so bad I think that even if he ends up being the most perfect roommate until the end of our lease I want to get the fuck away from him

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Ope its not even rent due and i already hate my roomate

He got fired because yes, the job was anal, But he VERY MUCH didnt pit his job above everything else. He called out bc he "hurt" from like week 1 and shit

Didnt help with moving and my dad and his dad shit talked him because how pathetic he acted

But now we lived in the trailer for a month. Our rent is 860$and he got fired. So i was sending him things to apply to and LO AND BEHOLD "im not gonna work a job that i dont like"

And hes mad that i want the place to be SLIGHTLY picked upbecause my mom is gonna judge. And she SHOULD because it AWFUL. Even his dad agreed with me😭 and dave jist blows us off because why not

God im probably gonna have to start saving to pay his parents back because i cant do this forever i dont want to live with him for the rest of my life id rather be alone till i die. I just. Ugh i hate that my parents and all my other friends are right and he sucks. I cant do it anymore eventually hes gonna run me into the ground

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Welp we moved into a trailer, two bedrooms thank fuck, dave fought for the master room and so im literally stuck in a bedroom smaller than how i grew up, had to downsize my bed (wich wh i didn't care about that)

And its been nonstop constant fighting.

I was wanting to clean the apt before we moved and apparently thats stupid. Dave was almost completely useless during the move and straight up refused to help us finish up tomorrow, so i texted his mom bc im fuckin done. She called me and essentially yelled at ME for 30 minutes because im bot nice enough to dave because he's still learning how to be an adult and how ro have a job.

We're both 24.

Im so fucking mad about everything, my dad keeps telling me how im letting dave take advantage of me, all my friends tell me the same. I just. I wish to god he would be the one who makes the decision to leave so im not the bad guy for finally being fed up but whatever i guess. Omce we're all sorted out i guess uh, we'll either get along or ill be spending a lot of time in my bedroom 😭

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Cool cool neat. Im probably never going to do anything in life because im struggling to pay for shit so badly. I have my dad saying daves shitty for making me do it on my own, jensen saying the same shit. Hell shes thinking of moving in with us just to help me pay rent because dave refuses to help at all.

Every trailer i look at ill never be able to afford. The apartment os cracking down on pets not in the lease.

So now I'm terrified we're gonna be fined, which means we have to move because I can't afford that fine.

Im drowning in debt and im getting no help. I never wanted to even stay around here and now i have no choice.

I honestly want to just fuckin kill myself just to escape all this. But i cant tell dave that bc all he says is "did you tske your meds?" My meds arent going to fix that you won't get a fuckin job. My meds aren't going to magically give me more money in the bank and i can pay my debts off.

The apartment is disgusting. We're too poor to function. And ill never get the help i need to do ANYTHING

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Baaack.

Well. Im looking at trailers for me and D to live in my family land. But bc they can't work and it relies on my income alone,,, yeah we cant do that. I had a fuckin mental breakdown bc of im so tired of people saying i should kick d out and i refuse. Hes my fuckin best friend. I dont care if he doesn't have an income. Yeah it would be nice, id have a lot less stress on my shoulders but fuck i know that'll never happen. So i manage. But he wanted me to actually tell him my problems and be honest. So i did. And now he thinks hes useless. When no hes not. Hes just now starting to be happy in general and now. Im Scared hes gonna be right back to how he was before Because i finally cracked. But I don't know. Hes gonna start therapy soon, has a doctor's apt next week .

But i feel like the moment i try to impose "i work you have to keep the house clean" its just like my fucked up parents. I try to clean it bit i only have so much time off between work and.. work.

I need a second job to keep us afloat but d says no that itll kill me. And yeah it will. But im ok with that as long as i can get us set up where he can live on his own.

I'm so tired all the time. His birthday is tomorrow and i have to get a cake and everything 😭. But all i really wanna do is pass the fuck out till monday so i can stop being to tired to exist

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Fun fact. Im on knock off adderall now and i can actually function!

I also lost the friend that is the reason we live where we do and i dont know if i want to hit her with a stick or just move back to my small as fuck town that made me actually want to die my entire life.

I absolutely hate the idea of staying in my hometown. But D never wants to leave their family. So.. im stuck i dont really have a choice. We can stay literally right next to the lady who threw me under the bus and denies ever asking me to steal shit for her, and when we got caught she put all the blame on me so now i have to do 100 service hours and i have a record. But shes fine. She just gave me the key to our apt and walked out. Like she didn't just decide to fuck my life up. She helped me break up with reagen, she was amazing to us. We did everything together, Id always drop everything to go take care of her because her husband was like shes being a bother because her panic attacks were dramatic.

Now i know why hed just go out to smoke instead of holding her barfy naked ass. Shes manipulative and naive and pathetic and the moment push came to shove she ran away like the little bitch she is.

And now i have to move back to the town that i swore id never live in again. That id never raise a family in. So i. A queer woman will MAYBE raise a family with my friend. In a town that made me want to die for being "weird"

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

I don't think i will ever get over Eli. U think its impossible. If i was left to my own devices id probably just wallow in sad forever. Its almost been a year and i still miss them so much it psycally hurts me

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Holy shit dave is pissing me off

I have Sierra and Jensen telling me ti kick him out. He's treating me like fucking trash all the time because i..I... go to work

Because he can't get a job. Won't even try. And get upset *i* bust my ass and always go in when called because WE NEED THE FUCKING MONEY

He yelled at me and made me leave the apartment last night because he didn't have any uncrustables.

Then this morning bc I got called in to work when we had "plans" aka I was gonna play on my ps4 all day with him he kicked me out of pir room and said he refused to take care of ANY of the pets

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Holy shit dave is pissing me off

I have Sierra and Jensen telling me ti kick him out. He's treating me like fucking trash all the time because i..I... go to work

Because he can't get a job. Won't even try. And get upset *i* bust my ass and always go in when called because WE NEED THE FUCKING MONEY

He yelled at me and made me leave the apartment last night because he didn't have any uncrustables.

Then this morning bc I got called in to work when we had "plans" aka I was gonna play on my ps4 all day with him he kicked me out of pir room and said he refused to take care of ANY of the pets

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

So I broke up with Eli. And Goddamn I hurt.

This nis just word vomit ranting

a bit over a year ago ( E ) told me they were in love with me. And they wanted to date me. It was only us 2, I wasn't with anyone else in the system. I of course said yes because I've liked then since we met essentially.

Well E soon after gave up being host to (D) and d is a 16 year old boy. D has been the host for all on me and E's relationship and has always been the one to tell me that if we broke up it's not gonna impact our friendship at all.

Well we moved together in October. And me and D agreed that a good 'deadline' for E to front and actually interact with me now that they're safe and in a good environment would be December...

Well uh.

It's December and the other night D innocently brought up E in a conversation and i fucking lost it. I told D I was fucking miserable and lonely and I missed E so Much and I still loved them but I hated this and I hate that I will never have a relationship with E because they refuse to front. I was SOBBING. He asked me if I wanted him to go find E and tell them all this and that it's over and I said yes. Well life happened and right now isn't a good time to ask if they took it well or anything and I feel awful about the whole thing bc I Stull just wish they would front to talk this out ourselves without making the teenage alter/ host get involved in our crap.

He's not mad at me at all, he actually was the one comforting me and stuff. But I just feel so... awful. Like I wasn't good enough a reason for the person who ran that body for 19 years to pop up at least once a month.

And the weirdest part is the breakup affected my life none. I'm still friends with D and the others, we still take care of each other we still wanna get a house together eventually. Just... now it's only as friends. And it's so weird because the only negative outcome to this breakup is I'm sad? Like I'm sad and I don't know how to/ if I want to start dating again bc I don't know how.

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

All I want to do is cry. I didn't realize that literally any mention of eli makes me upset. Like all dave did was make a joke and now I'm fighting back tears. I don't want to be with them anymore. I wasn't someone who actually fucking loves me. And In a way that I can see and feel. Having them tell dave they do doesn't fucking help me much. Insaid I'd give it until Christmas but I'm not sure I can wait that long. I. Refuse to let his turn into resentment for everyone else. I just

Literally hearing them being brought up in relations to us dating has me fighting back sobs. It shouldn't be like this. I want to die and the worst part is I KNOW I'm being fucking irrational and my crazy shouldn't affect their life or who fronts. We finally got a home. I love having them as roommates. I just.

I hate that I can't have a functional fucking relationship and I can't even blame them. I'm the problem. I can't just be ok with it. I thought it would change. Everyone told me it would change. And it's not. It never will. God I just feel sick I shouldn't be this upset. I should be used to it.

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

So Today fucking sucked I basically had a nice day planned out where me and Dave and 2 of our other friends were gonna hang out and then after I took Dave home because hes uncomfortable with alcohol me and the other 2 girls were going to get absolutely shit faced and have a sleepover.. Well we were having fun we were watching Kung Fu panda and then Dave was like Hey can we go get dipping dots because I had told him earlier we could go get some and I said OK and then asked the other 2 whether or not they wanted to come and and suddenly it was we're actually gonna head out nowe're gonna head out now.

Like what the fuck ?

So childe ended up staying longer because he felt kind of bad for me so we put on don't fuck with cats and played genshin

When I texted one of the girls about it and I was like Hey This is why I'm upset because she was like hated something go on why are you upset

This was her reply

"Should have reminded me or something¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

No???? That was the WHOLE REASON YALL CAME

So later I take childhom and we get on a discord call with a couple of our friends and I'm assuming he switched back to Dave because suddenly the pain he was experiencing was probably his appendix bursting and hes probably going to die and he needs to write a will because hes going to die sometime this week. And so when I was just like good night and then left the call he he messaged me and was like did I do something wrong and I'm like no I just can't tell whether or not you're joking and hes just like no I'm not and I'm just like OOK

Like I'm sorry I can't deal with that I just can't I can't fucking emotionally be there to stop you from killing yourself anymore. And then like not even 10 minutes later another friend message me was like Hi I'm puking from anxiety.

Like I get it my education is in mental health but when it's with your friends you just can't do it it fucking destroys you. And I'm splitting really bad for my BPD right now because I haven't seen my partner in months

Just everything fucking sucks and I honestly don't even want them to start fronting when we move because I want an excuse to break up with them because I need someone who's going to be there all the time and I can't get that And I feel like such a shitty person

[dingdingdongthebitchisntgone]

Is anyone else in a weird state of mind right now ? Like everything is fine but everything’s not fine