. misadventures of a miscreant making his way through the muck and the mire .
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I miss you more then I have the heart, or the healing to express.
I miss you like lungs under water too long, empty and depressed.
I miss you like the cat that can smell that nasty, nip just through the bag.
I miss you, the way the coven needs the kitten, needs the hag.
I miss you beyond all sanity; and I can't even be mad.
It wasn't like I had a choice. I bleed, therefore I am.
I miss you, I'd kiss you; but you're no good for me.
Especially when you got that shovel in your hand, under the Willow tree.
I miss you, and I outgrew you, because I had to survive.
Yes, you taught me how to live, but now I'm dead inside.

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The first breath of found freedom and self liberation last longer then any pleasure or vice that anyone else has to offer.
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I know, I know,
It's been months but we are working on it. Things are good. I promise. We are learning and growing being responsible with our adultness and our lives. Please don't get it twisted. You might've missed it. They tried to kiss it but got enlisted.
That or they pissed it. Instead of driving to stay alive they listed side to side after wave upon wave crashed down.
Only I was the clown. The joker instead of a king. But where does the king reside?
Tall in a tower, does he hide or does he mow his own lawn. Fix his own problems? Help other people? Can one be a king if you help everyone else except yourself?
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Dear readers,
Today was productive near beyond reckoning. A doctor's appointment, donating plasma, working, and even rekindling conversations with parts of me that I pressured were lost to the abyss forever. Additionally, while I have yet to have my first session with my new therapist, I have a new therapist and have been messaging with them about some stuff and things. Like my old therapist, which I found themafter not having their information and forgetting their name. It's quite possible I end up with two therapists. Besides that and getting labs done and eating well today and having a good close at work, today was a good day. Needless to say I'm hopeful again. Not that I ever have not been. Its just sometimes I forget how much hope I am capable of having. It's almost more overwhelming then the depression or anxiety.
I digress. I feel like getting coffee tomorrow so I am getting up early to go walk my way into town and see if I can find myself along the way.
Sweet dreams you scallywags. I'll likely kill you in the morning.
-dk
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Today was another productive day.
Or at least a productive day off as I prepare for my court hearing tomorrow, regarding my child support.
I promise story time will start soon. But until I get a few more ducks in a row, my focus has been on taking action in the steps I need in order to get my life where and how I want it.
I am calm. I am strong. I am patient. I am kind. I am living with firm boundaries. I am dedicated and motivated to my goals and accomplishments which I am in the process of completing and achieving. All my energy, has returned to me. All of my wealth, is in my control. All of my time, serves my purpose. All of my love, is mine to do with as I wish.
Good night dearest ones. 'Don't fret precious, I'm here. Step away from the window and go back to sleep.'
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Good day to you all,
Not much to say at the moment. I know I owe you an origin story. But the devil's in the details, and is my only best friend.
Well, y'all are my new best friends so be blessed and stay out of trouble.
I love you.
Dk
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My fellow Distopians,
Today, I wish to inform you that though life is still and seemingly forever a challenge; I seem to have made clear to some of you, that I am not a quitter. Granted, sometimes I may run out of steam, but that is likely to not fueling myself in proper and appropriate ways.
I mention this due to the fact that no matter where one finds themselves in life, it is imperative for one's own survival to maintain some level of self analysis. See if what made you tick yesterday is still effective. Discover if you wish to even be ticked. Most of all, especially for those of us who have accepted that the Universe will constantly change and whereby as above so below: we as beings within the Universe must accept that some things within us must also change.
However, in a nearly paradoxical and ironic fashion, there are some things in this wild and crazy and unpredictable maelstrom of existence that are required to never change. For instance, knowing your truth. Knowing when you're wrong and admitting it. Knowing when you failed and accepting it. Understanding that part of the lesson is to know how to stop lying to yourself whether for your or someone else's benefit.
I confess, that while I have made many excellent and wonderful changes, or rather accepted that the Universe has taken its own time and way of shaping and molding me, refining me for the next layer of cake, preparing me for dealing with the next level of challenges, traps, snares or battles: that doesn't inherently give me permission to attempt to mimick or copy what I think or assume will help me in my prerogative. Who, if when honest; won't admit that landing on the shortcuts on board games is a dopamine kick. That winning a match doesn't feel good. Upon winning we seem to instantly forget the fun or the challenge we were facing in the attempt to win something. Meanwhile the loser or the runner up or second place is left feeling crushed or left out of victory even though in theory, they were just as amazing as the winner. It just wasn't their time to win.
This is how I'm attempting to love my life, or at least that is what I tell myself. However, I tried to copy other people's methods or vehicles too much instead of simply relying on what worked for me and helped me ascend from being a sleeper to one who has awakened. Just because I woke up doesn't mean I should choose violence or hostility, that isn't what has kept me alive or protected me in my darkest moments. It wasn't hatred or violence that brought me the people I have cared for most in my life. But that is how I pushed them away.
You may have heard it said, dear reader, that one should live life with "No Ragerts". (Regrets for those not familiar with the meme) However, without a certain level of regret how can we ever apologize for our actions or sins that cause our singularity to occur in a way we do not desire. Don't make my same mistakes of getting everything you could ever want and then ruin it all by merely trying to keep up with the Jones's or whomever. I could be living my best life with my favorite people right now and sadly I am not able to do so because I caused them terrible pains by allowing myself to ADHD assume what they want or need instead of just being me and asking them in my way and favorite fashion: through love and kindness.
Be blessed today because you deserve it. Forgive yourself today so that others may forgive you when they are ready to, and accept that those days may never come. Or if they do that it doesn't mean you will get to have those people back in your universe.
Don't stop. Don't give up. And don't get trespassed. It's better to listen and walk away when asked.
I love you. Thank you for reading.
-Dk
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Sometimes you have to play the flute, even if no one will dance. Sometimes you must sing a sad song, even if no one will cry.
(If I ask the same questions… well, yes, sir, I ask the same questions… Well, maybe I repeat myself from time to time. But if I ask the same questions… and then I know I ask the same questions, It’s because everyone who answers me is a liar!) She’s like the hot cloth on a fevered head, And like a needle she leads me (while I follow like thread) But you untied me… didn’t You untie me, Lord? And now I haven’t even thought about killing myself in almost five months.
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the trap i set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!
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Hello World,
I understand that it's been a while. However, I greatly appreciate your patience as well as your kindness.
I hope to use this Tumblr to share my journeys with you as attempt to release the artist within, rediscover who I am; and also document my recovery from my habitual self abuse. This includes tales of substance abuse, traumatic events, and learning how to allow myself to heal.
May words, art, and life I share help you, dear reader; not to influence you to follow in my footsteps. Rather to do the opposite and forge your own path through life.
While I don't plan to use copious amounts of profanity, nor will I attempt to vent or reveal how much of a judgemental prick I truly am: I, the writer of this blog; do solemnly swear to maintain a voice of truth, honesty, and perpetual learning. I do not have any answers for you, dear reader. Nor will I ever attempt to refute or dispute the stories or experiences of others. Under no circumstances will I ever make the claim that I have no faults or have made no mistakes. Obviously there are things I have done, or things I allowed to happen around me which from one perspective: I deeply regret. However, on the other hand; to live in regret is no way to live. I am finding that though it has taken me the better part of my life to truly love myself, despite my faults or failure, triumphs or successes, I am perfect the I am: an ever changing, learning, growing, adapting, surviving, experiencing piece of Universe that wouldn't be able to be here if it wasn't for each and every One of you.
My hope, dearest friend; is that even if we never find each other, again or for the first time: that neither of us will ever give up on ourselves. In doing so, may we be the change that we seek, the parent that we need, the lover that we require, or even the devil's fire if it's truly what is required.
There's this book that says something along the lines of "the greatest of these, is love." So far I spent my in search of this love, this trust that is beyond comprehension and understanding. Little did I know that I was not loving myself like I was trying to love everyone else. Which ultimately caused myself and most everyone I have ever tried to love immense quantities of suffering.
I digress, this was supposed to be a short intro post with wit and humor that hinted towards my tragic journey of love lost and painful paths towards unachievable redemption. If you are still listening, dearest love; I owe you more apologies then I am capable of communicating. Ironically I owe even more apologies to myself. But, fortunately for me; I'm learning to forgive myself as much or more then I forgive other people. For now I have come to experience a level of being no one, or nobody, or being a dead man walking; now that I am a free man; I am ready to be someone again. I am ready to love again. Most of all, I am living my life to my best ability and loving every minute of it.
Until I write again, your friendly neighborhood sociopath,
DK
#new blog#first post#introductions#traveler#nerd#father#parenting#drugblr#homelessness#life#lifestyle#artwork#painting#sketch#drawing#music#poetry#personal
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