disgustingemotions-blog

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Been awhile since Ive documented some emotion. Ive recently come to realize I really like a coworker of mine, which is probably not a great idea, because shit could go south super quick. I might have to end up quitting to ask her out. Im almost positive she feels the same, we talk for hours we’ll at work (I get a lot of downtime). Conversation ranges from all subjects and I feel like I dont need to be anyone but myself around her and she accepts me. She meant to give me her number yesturday without me asking but only put her name in my phone, after agreeing we were going to start a band. Shes smarter than I am which is intimidating but also very sexy to me. She also have 3 years on me which is not a big difference in the scheme of things but its just another layer of distance that seperates us. I find myself thinking about her constantly, unconsciously starring while I work. I havent met or felt about someone this way in a longtime and it is scary but also exhilarating, im glad my capacity to love isnt completed dead after the last year. I hope our paths can converge, Im not getting my hopes up for now, but I have a feeling that shes truly special, and I do not want to regret not at least attempting to form a relationship with her. The thought of her kept me up all last night but I dont feel tried. She mentioned not being able to sleep the last few nights as well. Could she be thinking about me as well? Is our connection strictly forbidden just because we work in the same resturant? doing opposite jobs as well. Im extremely attracted to her, she fits everyone of my types, medium height, pale, jet black hair, glasses, beauitful skin, I could go on and on. But my lust is the not thing keeping me up. I hope she doesnt slip thru the cracks of life.

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Ayo, well the last few days have been straaange. Friday the 13th brought me a screaming match, which I wish would have lead to a fight at my work. I cook at a brewery downtown, and around 12:45-1am these dudes who were acting shitty all night, got into a heated arguement. I didnt really get what started the confrontation,(im trying to go home and close the kitchen) they proceed to talk shit, we had to kick the guys out. It caused a whole scene, a chick threw her drink in his face. It was pretty great from my perspective. Today I opened after closing last night ( major bummer). I ended up just chilling with my manager smoking pot and preping for most the day, got out around 5:30, raced home, took a quick shower and headed to the meat market with a friend that closed at 6. We got the goods and cooked up in his yard and shared some drinks with friends. This chick who I had made out with earlier in the year rolled up, (she was so post to be moving to cali, therefore I should never see again). So that was a interesting mix. Her and this other chick got into a fake fight inside my buddys apartment and his roommate kicked them out, which started a whole other scene. I’m covering for my friend at work tomorrow so i’ll be working all weekend! For now im kinda buzzed chillin in bed, ill try to finish my book triology tomorrow.

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It’s been quite awhile. Some reasonably important stuff has gone down since my last entry. I just got back from 3 days in the woods with my good friends, we backpacked thru the manistee national forest in north eastern michigan. Beauitful river terrian, I slept in a hammock the majority of the time, and we camped along side the river bank. One of the nights on a river valley cliff which made for some amazing views. This trip gave me some needed direction in my life, I want to open a food truck in the next 2-3 years, street italian food, quick, cheap, tasty. I’m going to start making moves to plan for this, which means research and saving up that cash. I’m currently in business school, and have thought about owning my own resturant in the future. Getting a food truck started seems like a perfect place to start, and downtown detroit is the place to be if anywhere. Wish me luck, until next time.

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Hello, its been a quite a bit since ive journaled. Today was an average day, I had a vivid dream about some interpersonal relationships ive been longing for. For being a lone wolf, I really long for another chance at getting love right. This period is punishment for my wrong doings. Well maybe not punishment, but its been giving me plently of time to reflect on my life. Learn from it and move on. A better version, that only trail and error could produce. For now I dream of my future, or of a better present. “ I learned alot about falling in love, when I fell out of love. I learned alot about being a friend when I was alone.”

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Yo,Yo. Today was has been alright. I missed my work meeting this morning, totally blanked on it. Only remember because I got called into work, when I came in they were busting my balls about it but I knew they were only kidding. I guess I didnt miss much. Had a decent day at work making pizzas catching a nic buzz in the cooler whenever possible. Me and hercka are aces but along of shit wasnt prepped so we had to float between tasks. Leaving me cooking alone most of the time, but thats cool because I didnt have to close. I got home and we were so post to make a mini put put course in our house because fuck the lease, but we just eneded up watching resiviour dogs and drinking. Zach and sam got into a fight over nothing because zach is off his meds. Hes bi-polar and the scene reminded me of my father. How quickly the switch flips. Im going to have a talk with him tomorrow. Wish me luck. -DR.G

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Hello, I return from the void. Greetings sentients.

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Yo yo. I cannot sleep currently. My sleep schedule is still set to indy I guess. Which leads me to remember to journal. Im listening to this podcast by sam harris, waking up. He’s interviewing this smart dude whos got a bunch of New york times best sellers. Who wrote a book that basically is saying that psychedelics are a way to practice for death. Along with that love is the only thing that matters. I cannot agree with these points more, at the age of 16 during my first experiences with the drugs, I had came to the same conclusion. Yet at this point in time, love was much more of a physical feeling rather than an emotional one. Still I feel like psychedelics are a way of communicating with the universe, and the language is universal. The answer is always the same. Love. I hope I get another chance at is again soon. I hope I can pull my head out of the ground and remember how to be a good person again. I’m so young, statistically of course i’ll have another chance, and at some point the emotions that hold me back will be lifted. Yet tomorrow is never promised and somehow I feel like I blew it. With no way to rep-remand the mistakes iv’e made. Maybe it’s not that deep, and were all going to parish into oblivion, and the emotions caused by the mistakes were never worth trippy about in the first place. Maybe ethics don’t exist. Either way, i’m trying to learn from whats holding me back, and then move on. Even is oblivion awaits, love is the most important thing we have.

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Ive returned from the Indy 500, kinda tan, kinda sunburnt. Ive spent the last 3 days drinking and smoking habitually so im basically a walking skeleton. I passed out super early when I got back yesterday and had a horrible nightmare about my father passing away. Im going to go see my parents today and help with some gardening back home. Glad to be back in Michigan

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Hello all, havent journaled in awhile, been slightly busy with work and stuff. Tripped acid two days ago, and had a great trip, strong acid, had some mental releases of emotion and some deep thoughts of my future and where I want to go. I thought came into my mind that I should purse psychology rather than business. My mother is in social work and has a good grasp on the subject and I think some of that empathy has transferred to me. I’ve always been obsessed with mental states and the interworking of the mind and the reason we make choices and decisions. I have a psychology class in the fall so that should be a good taste of what id be dealing with. Tomorrow I leave for Indiana to work the indy 500, being a city kid for detroit, defiantly not my normal environment. I plan to get extremely drunk and write a book on my experiences through the style of GONZO journalism. “Fear and loathing in Indianapolis” look out for that. Wish me luck.

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im alive but only ironically

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I made it to the gym! I start my new internship tomorrow at the michigan science center, wish me luck

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Greetings. Today I awoke around 10, went back some to switch cars with my sister because I guess because shes older, she gets the preferred out of the two. Which doesn’t upset me at all, if anything i’m happy to have less responsibility. I had left my wallet at my parents house when I was there on mothers day, and the car was on empty, So I had to use a 2 dollar bill I had pinned on my wall to get a gallon of gas to make it back, maybe a 15min drive. Other than that, I read more of my book, which I’m nearly finished with, then headed to work. Me and my coworker brian always make the shift go by pretty quick, bullshitting make our own entertainment. Imagining our coworkers as Disney characters and eating delicious food. Got home and shared a drink with a few friends who were over at the house. Tomorrow I plan to get back into the gym, lets see how that goes.

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Another average day, I’ll keep this terse. Began it by letting the exterminator in, our landlord is shitty and puts bandaids on real problems that we have to live with. Living in detroit and along an alley rats are to be somewhat expected but its become a huge issue. Being outside is one thing but in our home is another. The exterminator did what little we could, set some traps and gave us a bunch more to put where we felt fit. I cannot wait to move out of this house, although it is bitter sweet. I got high for the first time in days today was well, ate a bunch of food and watched flubber with my roommates and threw the football around. Im almost finished with my book, the plot is super unpredictable and has me guessing at every turn, I love the series. I’ll finish her by the end of the week.

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ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.

[disgustingemotions-blog]

Greetings. Today was an atomically average day, I awoke from a deep slumber at my childhood home in a suburb of detroit. I now live in the city which is a large improvement, every time I return I can’t help but loath my hometown, which is the case for every teenager I guess, but the only thing left me there is my family, and maybe a few friends. I drove back downtown and brought in the resources I gathered from home and read for a bit. When that began to become tiresome I played a bit of video games with my roommate and then returned to my book. In less than A week i’ve probably read more than in the past few months, which I’m very pleased about. The plot twists at every chapter and forces me to put the pieces together for myself which I really enjoy. Other than that I played some catch and baseball outside for an hour and then messed around with the guitar and kept reading. Some of my friends came over later in the day, we shared a drink and had a conversation about the current state of affairs within our lives. I recently picked up a VHS player and some movies, which is way more broken than it seems, you can get all the best movies from my childhood 5 for a dollar at value world, being a broke college student, its a no brainer. I got the player it’s self for 2.50$ so for an investment of lest than 5$ I have hours of entertainment, I be it, in slightly reduced quality. I watch a bit of Flubber and quickly lost interest, i’ll keep reading for a while before calling it for the night. Hope you all had a great day.

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I’ve been journaling less because Ive become inthrall with a dense novel for the first time in my life (not that anyone missed me) reading is pretty fucking cool tho. I’ve missed out for 19 years and some change not because of my lack of imagination, more attention span. I haven’t smoked any pot since picking this book up which may correlate, and I am thinking I am take a break from the shit. Get my savings back in order and start focusing on things that really matter and have tangible value. Rather than wasting my days in a slump uninspired but blissful none the less. Today was mothers day and I got my mother some flowers and cooked dinner for my family which impressed them, and I take kindly to the attention because it’s not often given. Cooking is one of the only skills I have which I’m truly proud of, and actually deserve to be. I’ve spent years slaving is restaurant kitchens toiling for an hourly wage and I’m satisfied I have my ability to take away. Making my time spent seem less wasted. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I feel optimistic. Maybe sobering up will lessen my crippling anxiety in social settings, and attract a female that isn’t brain dead. I really hope to find a girl better and smarter than me. Which isn’t too hard to come by, but my current persona drives that type away. Anyway thats all for now, i’ll most likely keeping reading for a few hours before crashing.