dissonanc

[dissonanc]

08.28.17

i can’t do this

[dissonanc]

08.27.17

found out that vera and jade are dating now! at least someone in this villa is happy and loving each other i guess

i don’t think benji’s ok he left the chat immediately after and if i’ve learned anything from my own actions as well as others, leaving the chat could mean one of two things

1. roasts or memes are being thrown around and you can’t deal 2. life is sucking and you can’t deal

i feel like it’s the latter

[dissonanc]

you pose a good question, steve. idk anymore

[dissonanc]

08.26.17

right when i think i’m starting to function again, life hits me like a truck. 

i’m not that in the mood to talk about today despite it being alright, but god, i probably shouldn’t have gone i felt like i was forcing myself to have a good time for jae and nina’s sakes. i couldn’t help but take glances at graham looking like he’s doing fine, especially in the bus with vera and jade. i kept trying to make it obvious that i was Super Okay by talking a lot, but he probably didn’t even notice. he’s probably done with me at this point, and i don’t blame him. at least kaia and i both ziplined?? i kind of wanted to die, but i was relieved to at least feel something. i would have been more terrified if i went across with a solemn expression if anything.

i just want things to be okay again, is that too much to ask? i keep opening our text messages, typing out some bullshit apology, then exiting the app. i want to be enough for him. why couldn’t i have been there for him that night? i keep making mistakes, everything is a mistake, when will i stop being a mistake?

[dissonanc]

ways to start feeling again

sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realize that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you

walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass

sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale

drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favorite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favorite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out

stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses

eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavor that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all

look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realize what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and admiration for life itself

[dissonanc]

08.25.17

working on feeling again so i went out of my room briefly and i got lucky by not running into graham bc that would have been... not good

i finished reading so sad today and i don’t know if reading an emo book was the best decision for me to make but hey it was a really good book and eye-opening

the pythons are going ziplining tomorrow and i don’t really feel like i want to go because graham might since he was excited about the idea before but nina and jae are forcing me to go because it’ll be “good for me” so i guess i’m going

maybe i’ll return to the group chat tomorrow i wonder if he was added back already

why are things like this lmao

[dissonanc]

08.24.17

the world moves on without me

i started reading so sad today by melissa broder the first essay was titled how to never be enough which is a big mood i guess

dva and mercy got reworked and apparently some people are saying mercy’s in particular is ridiculous especially because she’s a support and i wanna talk to jude about it but i cant bring myself to text him

i wonder how graham is maybe he isn’t even bothered

[dissonanc]

right now you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive but six months ago you were in a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didn’t think you’d survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through

[dissonanc]

08.23.17

things are still rly bad lol

jae and nina are making sure i’m not starving to death in this room and i love them

[dissonanc]

i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb i’m so numb

[dissonanc]

08.22.17

i was supposed to upload tomorrow but i guess that’s not happening

my birthday is in a week but im not in the mood to celebrate anything

i feel like crying but nothing’s coming out

[dissonanc]

remember: sometimes someone is right for us but we aren’t right for them and sometimes someone isn’t right for you but you’re the one right for them. then again eventually along this life full of disappointment you find someone who is both right for you and you for them, i hope that day comes soon.

[dissonanc]

08.21.17

is this the end? i don’t feel real and i can’t stop crying

shut up eyes

[dissonanc]

08.20.17

graham told the group chat that he got the opportunity to shadow a lawyer for the week, and i’m really proud of him! at least he’s doing things towards his career! i’ve honestly not looked at a single line of code since this trip started :// i should probably start looking for jobs or at least something!! but no!! here i am being a lost piece of shit!! i’m a python, but coding in python??? ... idk where i was going with that joke i’m just gonna ignore that

i went to the grocery store today because i was in the mood to drink some kombucha and as luck would have it, i see tristan in the same area of the produce section i was heading toward!! god, why do things turn out this way for me all the time?? luckily, i avoided him and booked it out of the store like the coward i am!! i didn’t even get any kombucha!! a lose lose situation for your girl athena!! god i’m such a terrible person. i completely ghosted him for no good reason. i feel so bad, but at the same time, i can’t remember how many times i’ve done this in the past anymore. it’s gotten to the point where i’ve lost count. how did i end up this way wtf

[dissonanc]

08.19.17

i didn’t really want to face anyone today, especially benji. i feel really embarrassed about what happened last night and i don’t want anyone to worry about me so much. 

i need to get my shit together.

at least i got out of bed.

[dissonanc]

08.18.17

i’m tired lmao like no joke emotionally exhausted as i write this but i know i’ll regret it if i don’t so :// here goes i guess :// an update on what happened yesterday (aka the 18th bc rn is the 19th)

i’ll put it in bullets because i’m not in the mood to break everything down lol did i not just say i’m emotionally exhausted?? also because i should get out of bed eventually and being here on my phone isn’t helping

a good day turned sour is all i can say

scavenger hunt day, i was teamed up with jude and benji and i was ready to WIN... and we did

side note: what the fuck is a tine and a groat

well yeah we won the scavenger hunt and i admit it was fun running around with the two boys and i admit i was yelling a bit

but when it came to prizes :// they weren’t the prizes we wanted they were the confessions everyone sent up in the lanterns :// including mine about teagan :// i hope she doesn’t realize it’s me because i don’t think we’d be able to be friends if she confronts me about it

i knew exactly which confession was graham’s too. he’s still in love with teagan i gtg

i love... falling short... being second place... feels great !

vera got into a fight with that engaged couple from the party before and honestly??? everything was happening so fast i didn’t know how to react?? one second you have our confessions read out on live television (thank god they’re anonymous) and the next there’s a fight??? some people left the mansion and i went into the van but that was a mistake

i just keep making mistakes i guess

vera, kaia, romi, nina, and some of the other girls piled into the van and one thing led to another and vera’s speeding away and cops were tailing us and i was so fucking scared i felt like nothing was real even though it was and we went into a bunch of trees and it was dark and i wanted to disappear

graham and camden rescued us eventually and i was so relieved to see them i think i practically leaped at graham :// and i hope he didn’t see that i was starting to cry through the streetlights i didn’t want to concern him but i’m thankful he came for us

he made me chicken alfredo when we got home and i just wanted to pour my soul out to him but i couldn’t i was already trying my best not to burst into tears in front of him but he eventually left and went to his room so i was alone in the kitchen for a while

i don’t know how long i stood by the sink it felt like forever but also a second?? i can’t believe i started crying then and there it was just that i was so overwhelmed i couldn’t not?? so many things were happening and i don’t know what to do so i guess that’s just how my body reacted to all of the emotion... by crying

i didn’t expect for anyone to even though i lowkey hoped for it, but benji found me and hugged me and sat me down and just comforted me and even though i was crying and so negative, i felt warm, and i’m thankful

i’m still a mess, but i’m thankful

hoping for better days

[dissonanc]

08.17.17

i swear to god, this boy is going to be the death of me

reminder to self (again): he’s your best friend, not your boyfriend

we went to watch this local band’s concert and he got the number of one of the band members whom he thought was cute and she invited him to watch a gig on saturday and i just felt icky and gross and... jealous. :-( it’s really wrong for me to be feeling this way especially since i’m not even that certain about my feelings for him. i don’t know how much longer i can go on like this, getting jealous of everyone that he expresses the least bit of interest in. i’m kind of pathetic.

something that’s also pathetic is the image of me chasing around a graham who accidentally dropped acid when everyone else gave up on trying to restrain him. i’m physically exhausted from all of the running i did today but yeah, it was a lot. he broke my dog mug, but i didn’t feel as mad as i would’ve been any other day. i was more concerned for his well-being over anything. i can buy a new mug (which nina already offered to do, i love her) but i can’t buy a new graham. he’s one of a kind, that’s for sure. i followed him around, even going on the roof like holy shit?!? i ended up trailing him all the way to the beach where i found him in a tree and he... fell on me. it fucking hurt lmao but i guess the pain is incomparable to the pain i felt seeing him with teagan for like three years LMAO!!!!! that took a turn :// yikes uh haha yeah i ended up tying him to the bottom of the staircase with my shoelaces

side note, but it really bothered me how dyra didn’t really give a shit about how he could’ve hurt himself and was just... filming it all. does she have a conscience?