distansolarsystems

[distansolarsystems]

i think some people are born evil, because i remember being six years old, laughing at my friend who got stuck on the monkey bars. i remember hitting, kicking and screaming at my sister, taking all my anger out on someone experiencing the same pain i was. i was fourteen, telling my friend she would never understand real pain. i sit and listen to someone cry and pray for them to ask me how i am. i was born rotten to the core and every day it spreads along the surface. i don’t think an evil so inherent can be dissected, we are one. the curse of being evil and being kind is knowing there’s only one thing i can do to make the world a better place.

[distansolarsystems]

how am i supposed to survive another two decades redeeming the 19 first years of my life?

[distansolarsystems]

i think god forgot to put a soul in me, like a build-a-bear sewn shut with no heart inside

[distansolarsystems]

sometimes i’d rather will every reason to live out of existence than see another day

[distansolarsystems]

am i selfish? am i going to hell? hell would give me the warm embrace i never got above

[distansolarsystems]

i think when god gave me two shoulders to be cried on there was simply nothing left to make a third one for my tears

[distansolarsystems]

everytime i try to hate you my fist is raised at the twelve year old stained blue by her mother’s hand

[distansolarsystems]

she’s the kind of person who will leave mid conversation when she catches a glimpse of someone more worthy of her attention, and it was fun until i stopped being that someone

[distansolarsystems]

once when i told my therapist i was losing sight of a future she told me i should be prouder of myself, because i made it this far feeling the way i do, and still managed both academically and socially. in that moment i mostly just felt invalidated, what i heard was that i never got bad enough for it to be noticed. now, i think i can finally accept what she told me, because i did really make it through times harder than some people will ever experience. i went through times of going to bed every night thinking of the way i would end my life the next day, and i still got up in the morning, made it to school on time to laugh at the jokes my friends were making. i’m still close to people that have been a part of most of my life, i managed to keep them even when human connection felt like something not designed for me. i love these friends even though i don’t tell them about the hard things, which used to bother me but i don’t think i mind anymore.

i am proud of myself because i coped with my guilt in an irreversible way and i still kept living after the realization that the people i will love will see this part of me. i’ve kept going when i was convinced i would be forever unlovable, that there was no point to make it past fifteen. hiding it so well didn’t make it not real, it made me strong in ways no one should have to be. i don’t know what the future has in store for me but i do know that it is ahead, and when i look at my past long enough, i know i am living that future now.

[distansolarsystems]

i don’t think i’m in love with you anymore and i mourn that every night

[distansolarsystems]

i wish i could just lay my heart at your feet and you would tell me what you think of me now

[distansolarsystems]

eventually the scars will fade and when they do you will create new ones and when those fade you might be okay

[distansolarsystems]

she remembered that i love snails and sent me a snail pic that made her think of me

[distansolarsystems]

it is officially so over :/

[distansolarsystems]

[distansolarsystems]

Controversial ways i'm raising my children

• I will parent them in uniquely toxic ways so they each develop a different personality disorder as adults

[distansolarsystems]

All of Us Strangers (2023)