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[divatron]

Are you mine...?

Are you mine? I feel you pulling back. There isn't a reason why, I can just sense it. I don't want you to lie to me, but I want to hear those sweet words of reassurance "I'm not going anywhere." Each syllable will ring on in my mind long after you've called it a night.

Get to know me, if I could have one superpower it would be to read your mind, if only to hurt my own feelings. I wish for the truth. Do you like me or do you like my attention?

Long are the nights I'm alone but, longer are the days I think you're fleeting like a low tide. Tell me! Tell me now, please...

Are you mine? In three months once your plane touches down and life sets in am I going to sit here waiting on you... collecting dust? In time will you forget me?

I need to know how this plays out if only to hold back my thoughts of the three words that would drown you with excitement or guilt. Am I villainising you to protect myself? Perhaps.

I just want to scream it to you. You make it so difficult for me to not say it and here I am questioning your intent. One last time...

Are you mine? Are you in this for the long term or does this end in whispers? There won't be a glaring reason only unopened letters. The time taken to respond will only come close to your short stay returns.

I know I said "One last time." But I'm going to keep asking till I get an honest answer. Should I jump or step back from the ledge and take the "fun" as it is? I fear my window for opportunity to turn back has shut from that first kiss. So I'm asking you...

Are you mine?

[divatron]

Why? Just why?

The feeling of wanting to cry in your arms, when it's your words that pushed me down is perplexing. It's not as simple as me just getting over it. I can't it's been four days and those stupid words are still haunting me from the shadows, pulling a blanket of doubt over me.

Why did you have to say that? I never had a reason to think of you like this and now I can't stop. And to talk to you about it is to admit there's a problem. That I have a problem.

I don't want you to worry or overthink it, so it seems easier to keep this to myself and bair it till the weights nothing more than my existence. I've talked it over hundreds of times with myself trying to deliver an answer from your perspective that would make this hurt stop.

There isn't one. If I can't talk about this now, how am I meant to talk to you about anything. I just wish I would forget it. To let it lay. I understand you never meant anything by it, and that's what made it cut so deep. I don't know how I'll start that conversation.

Honestly, I can't keep it to myself when it's plaguing me. How could you have known? I don't know how you're going to react, maybe with care and compassion or cold and defensive. No matter what it can't be taken back. I still heard those words. Only one clear answer is stepping forward and I know it's the wrong one.

[divatron]

Am I the punch line?

I never thought I'd be the issue but here I am. Before everything was a "joke." I was in control of the meaning behind the risky texts or long-held glances. It's different now I can say I'm "delusional" as I griddle kick my feet choosing what to believe.

I shouldn't be concerned but now I know how you feel. It's irrational for me to think this is a poor scheme to fall for. A trick if you will. I need to listen to the cute things you tell me "you're my boyfriend." Is still the sweetest sentence I've heard.

Still, I feel that at any moment you're going to pack up, leaving me standing wondering what happened?

It's anxiety. I know it. I wish I could stop it. The doubt still lingers.

The happier you make me the more cautious I grow, I don't want to be the one to mess it up but self-sabotage calls to me. Running first means I can't be the one standing alone.

Wow. I guess I do have abandonment issues. There's nothing you can say to help me. The more committed you seem the brighter the warning signs get. I do like you more than I can describe. I just worried it's still a "joke." And the moment I believe it you'll disappear laughing to yourself.

Every fact proves my fears wrong, my brain just hasn't gotten the memo.

[divatron]

Playing Dress Up

I go from wanting everything till wanting to leave. Another day, Another step but it feels like I'm being pushed. The world moves too fast and I'm falling behind.

I feel trapped. Frozen in time, last week I was twelve now I'm basically an adult. When did that happen? Honestly, I'm terrified everyone's sneaking away to other places.

All my friends are leaving to go do greater things. Hear I am stuck behind it. After summer it's over. Planes take off to different cities and I'll wave them off. I hope we stay in touch.

The days force me into a belief I'm a child playing dress up, anxiously waiting to get caught. Holding it together is the only option I have. It's not like I don't want to be where I am, I just didn't think it would be so sudden.

Seventeen feels like a lie I was sold, they're no fun parties or teenage dreams. Only roles or responsibilities. Coming of age is terrible I have the problems without the options.

[divatron]

It's Mine.

Whoever said, "The truth will set you free." Was full of shit. The truth only trapped me. Being potched for information is agonising. Something my heart helt for itself now careless small talk. I feel like running away. This wasn't how I planned it.

I wasn't going to hide you forever, but long enough to know you without a storm of questions to follow every interaction. I don't know how everything's going to go. My hands are being forced to say what you mean to me. How my heart longs for you now gossip on loose lips.

Didn't want to share you like cheap talk, each question more personal than the last.

[divatron]

Quite...

The words that echo down the phone in the light of the morning sends me to other worlds. The faint whispers of honesty make me want to tear my heart out and give it to you. I always thought the clichés weren't for me. Now I've someone to share a milkshake with two straws with, I've changed my mind.

I'm begging for a date that ends with a world-stopping kiss. The kind of kiss in the movies where it's raining and the characters finely confess their love to one another.

I want to throw myself into this so recklessly. My imagination is in full control. I may be plotting and scheming how to give you butterflies. It's finally happening and I have no idea what to do. I didn't think it would happen to me.

My every thought revolves around your star. I want to know if you smile at your phone when you see my name. I bet you do. The quiet words of how you want our heartbeats to paint the sky while our fingers intertwine.

I really can write, thinking of you just makes it difficult. These thoughts are wild and to capture them would take a poacher.

[divatron]

As far as you climb, you fall.

A conglomerate high matched with an equal low. The notifications are piercing. I get excited thinking only to conjure up a scenario that's out of my control. It constantly switches from "I wish you would!" to "Why would you?"

When it doesn't happen who can I blame? The culprits me, a victim of my own delusion. Pieces break off, the paint chips and I'm not good enough. Voices tell me what to change to be more likeable. How to create someone just "his type". I'm too young. Too small. Not as bright. All reasons beating into me as I climb higher. The words only I hear add fuel to this inextinguishable fire.

What goes up must come down. Yesterday was a fever dream I never want to stop sleeping. The first Friday in May I won't forget but snaking behind that memory is the cold reality of self-hatred because it's my fault. I don't know how but it is.

Now I'm sitting in my bed on the edge of tears begging to know what happens. The truth and not an image of ideals I base facts on or the opposing doubt that I'm a burden on to others. What if I'm being annoying or weird?

What I'm trying to say is I always dream and overthink. I can't stop either. There's not one without the other. I guess you can't feel the highs without a low to compare to.

[divatron]

My last letter to you.

Longing for you has already taken too many pages from my book, so here's just one more... with my pen pacing pages, I've written so many letters about you but never to you. I have one question how does it feel being my two summer love?

I know every word you've said has changed me. You told me I looked "strange" with glasses so I gave up my sight when I was around you. How does that make you feel?

It's not your fault every word seared into my skin. I'm still left in awe of how you never saw it, I made it so painfully obvious it seems like even screaming would have been in silence.

My pen ink bleeds over my want to be wanted. I'm not upset you never felt how I did. After all, you told me before I jumped, it would be to my death. I saw the signs and chose to dive anyway. You were kind and I was lonely, I wish I knew when the switch happened from friend to muse. I know calling you the muse is kinda cold, but I can't open that door again at risk of letting you back in.

I have some final thoughts before I lay this to rest at last. Are you truly harsh enough to leave without saying goodbye? If you are you're not who I thought you up to be. Then again nothing was how I imagined, you were a high I was yearning for, at night you did what you wanted. You were Mr Perfect, never leaving me alone.

The things you whispered in the dark stuck with me, I followed that map to the X, but I've learned that the directions were never for me to follow. I can finally kill what's haunted me for as long as it's lived. Tenting my view of the divine to the real, I can see you as you are, just some guy who says dumb things without thinking before he speaks.

Learning the difference between fact and fiction is hard when you want to believe everything in good faith.

Now I'm meant to write an ending to this, but I'm not sure how to close a book that was never written. It was all just dreams, wants not needs. It's all over, but it never really began. You left in the morning fog, and I found my way out of the woods.

Goodbye...

[divatron]

How could you do it?

How do you feel nearing 40.

God I wish someone would have stopped me. I still don't understand everything, but I do know this... you took something from me, something I did know was there till it was gone.

You may never think of me, but I think of you, every false promise and empty word right down to how you didn't care I was "young." The thought of you still huants me it's the thing that plagues my sleepless night. You knew the truth and still chose to look me in the eyes and only saw me for what you could take. I was nothing more than a piece of bloody meat to you.

I mourned the parts of me you ripped away, and honestly I don't think you care. Once you knew I wouldn't give you what you believed you so righteously deserved. You stopped responding and iced me out, leaving me to think I was the problem like I had wronged you somehow it was my fault.

I see how messed up this all was now, you never stopped because it was the right thing to do but because you thought this was a trade of sorts, you gave me attention and in your own twisted way you could have what ever you so desired from me in return.

We should never have talked. I may have lost something but I learnt from it all, to cherish and idealise someone as lifeless and sadistic as you Adam.

This was all 3 year ago, I didn't even know what was happening I wish I would have seen the signs I should have stopped. I wish I could blame this all on you, how much that would take this chronic pain. I can't because I knew better and I still went against my better judgement and took a trip to hell.

All the good morning text followed with manipulative silence. I can say now with certainty how I so passionately hate you. You did something irreversible and should pay but you won't and in your the face of beauty I only see true evil so go to hell.

[divatron]

A lesson I won't learn

I'm writing this a day after the problem I can't seem to solve, the questions I keep asking only to get answer more vague than the last. The best answer would have been to never ask the question at all.

If I never wondered what was just over that hill I wouldn't have fallen from the precipice on the other side. Leaving me broken, bones mend and cut heal. I'm forever changed but I'm not sure how.

Every once in a while I forget what it was like to heal how it hurt just to breathe when every muscle ached. I only remember how good it felt to fall the freedom, the rush not having to think about anything else.

It felt like flying till the bone crush, every time I fall the lege gets a little lower and I hit the ground a little softer. The pain isn't the same but neither is the rush. Always looking for a ledge higher than the last never caring for the repercussions. Simply this is a lesson I don't know or want to learn.

[divatron]

You're a Bitch, Did You know that?

Leave me the fuck alone! Your so dam selfish, taking my every thought for your self. JUST STOP! It's almost like you hate me. Do you? You love using that stupid smile to make me lose it. Please I'm pleading with you, let me pay attention to litterly anything else.

Enough is enough. I'm so over you looking at me with that ridiculously gorgeous face it's evil. How dare you! It's not right making someone think this much about there entire existence and if they'd give it all up in one regretless night. With ever breath I'm dieing and it's your words that have me in a choke hold.

While I'm already writing this I would love to say I loth you in your entirety. Stop being so perfect it makes it really difficult to get over you since I can't get under. Lastly I detest how I have to read into every word, new flash I'm not very good at reading.

[divatron]

🍎 A Healthy Guide 🍏

How to get skinny (A guide to self confidence). Feed the thoughts by not feeding yourself. Challenge your self. Look in the mirror and try listening to the voices that are only trying to help "Just a littel thiner then you'll be happier...", " This is what everyone wants. It's what YOU want." Pain is beauty, the stomach cramps will pass and the aches will disappear just think how thin you'll get, after all Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Once you start you can't stop you have to feed the addiction to continue seeing results. Losing a littel weight isn't enough, you've come this far why stop now? Eat less and less and less. Your strong you can keep going, the guilt of a treat is only your brain trying to tell you what will truly make you happy.

[divatron]

The Beaches

What if I lost you?

What if one day our world stopped spinning and the sun set a final time on our shores. Resting my head on your shoulder watching the water flow back and forth, as the salt air fills our lungs. The footsteps in the sand following us back to the car.

As the shadows grow longer we just look at each other, Nobody needs to speak but we knew what it was. It's the kind of true love you only get to experience when someone completely understands you, when they see your flaws as the storys behind them and not as cracks in the marble. Truly understanding another is scarce. It's crossed in life fewer time than we'd wish.

After every argument or fight we're still on the beach gazing out to the sea. As the mountains watch over us, admiring what may be one of the final grasps of joy like this... at least together.

Even when where gone... I'll always be waiting for you beside the hills of marram grass and rocky sand. I'll be here when your ready, until the pillers of the piers are done withering and the rocks have eroded to dust. I'll always be here.

[divatron]

✨️24.02.24 (02:53)✨️ An Eclipse is what you are, Something so rare and enchanting, I stare so long it hurts, burning you into my eye is something I cherish, knowing after a while I know it will all be gone.

I was meant to pass you like a commit but your gravity pulled me in shooting me on a different path. Nearing so close to you, almost in my grasp only to miss being sent hurdling on a collision course.

Maybe in a thousand lifetimes your gravity would be enough to pull me back in, and cause me to finally collide into you colouring the cosmos, Even thought it might destroy me I'm glad it would have been you to do it.

Until then I'm grateful to only exist in your orbit.