dndadventureswithmarines

[dndadventureswithmarines]

"I use the were-rats' head as an interrogation aid... Like a hand puppet."

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Dm: Alright, I’m gonna let you turn into a horse and bash the door down, but ONLY if you roleplay the shit out of this.

Druid: NEIGH, MOTHAFUCKA *bashes the door down*

[dndadventureswithmarines]

req’d by @spacescaptain

no warning shots huh 

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Dryad: “Corruption has come to the forest.” Babarian confused: “Are the squirrels taking bribes?”

[dndadventureswithmarines]

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Alternative interpretations of vicious mockery:

Your bard is a comedian whose jokes cause people to die laughing

Your bard is so obnoxious that people get so angry they literally explode

Your bard’s insight makes people go home and re-think their life choices

Your bard just shouts things that give people really bad mental images

Your bard’s puns are so terrible that everyone who hears them dies

[dndadventureswithmarines]

DM: "You're medium, right?"

Rogue: "I'm far away."

DM: "You're medium, right?"

Rogue: "I shot it with my bow."

DM: "You're medium. Right?!"

Rogue: "I'm a hundred feet away!"

DM: "Are you a medium creature?!"

Rogue: "...yes..."

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Sadistic Wizard

Our wizard pours the bag of caltrops into the bottle of alchemist fire, then uses a cantrip to teleport them into the nasal cavity of the dragon. The dragon inhaled at the same time, so the caltrops are now in its ice sac, and cannot use its breath attack.

The DM is not happy.

[dndadventureswithmarines]

DM: It is as quiet as ever it was.

rogue: Who’s Everett?

[dndadventureswithmarines]

druid: What language are they speaking? DM: It’s indiscernible. rogue [checking sheet]: I don’t speak discernible.

[dndadventureswithmarines]

“Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, the Cockatrice ate your dad. If only we were all so lucky!”

— The druid isn’t bitter, not at all

[dndadventureswithmarines]

The other fun thing about running D&D in something approximating an authentically medieval milieu is that you can have warlocks with proper lord-and-vassal relationships with their patrons, with all the intensely legalistic and excruciatingly complicated webs of rights and obligations that implies. It’s a nice alternative to the whole wizard-with-a-sugar-daddy business!

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Oh by the way here are all the dice i have! I picked up a new set from Fanexpo, so now I own a set that’s just straight up tide pods.

My babies up top are, from left to right, malachite, carnie bumper car, lemon lime, magma, fruit rollup, orange creamsicle, and eldritch porp

[dndadventureswithmarines]

hey question what class would this blog be under DnD wise? i feel like Bard would be too cliche

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Alternatives to seducing the dragon by skill proficiency

Acrobatics: Do a hand-stand on the dragon

Animal Handling: Scritch the dragon

Arcana: Confuse the dragon

Athletics: Body-shame the dragon

Deception: Convince the dragon that you are also a dragon

History: Defeat the dragon in a trivia contest

Insight: Psychoanalyse the dragon

Intimidation: Remind the dragon of itself when it was your age

Investigation: Indict the dragon for felony tax evasion

Medicine: Cure the dragon’s acid reflux

Nature: Critique the ecological sustainability of the dragon’s lifestyle

Perception: Notice that the dragon is actually six kobolds in a suit

Performance: Entertain the dragon

Persuasion: Sell things to the dragon

Religion: Convert the dragon

Sleight of Hand: Impress the dragon with coin tricks

Survival: Prepare a home-cooked meal for the dragon

Stealth: Don’t wake the dragon up in the first place

[dndadventureswithmarines]

Some real dungeon master moods going on tonight y’all

[dndadventureswithmarines]

“You named your sheep herd after Bionicles?”

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