dntgo-featl

[dntgo-featl]

We did it folks!

I’m in love

[dntgo-featl]

I love soulmates but also this-

[dntgo-featl]

I feel sick

I don't know what's happening to me

Emotionally speaking

I am so scared all of the time now that I am with her. I am so scared to lose her. I still don't feel but I feel the fear of losing her. I think about her every second of every day. My mind is rotting with her, She's like sugar that has crammed its way into every crevice of my mind and is rotting it. I don't know how I feel about it - except for the fear that now runs through my body as naturally as blood.

I can already see where the cracks will form, I can't help myself. I am so scared that she will leave me but I know, in the end, it will be me who ends things. No one is ever enough for me.

We're too different. I talk to much, she talks too little.

I desire so deeply to know her, to understand her but she doesn't allow me that. She wants to, I know that much, she is scared too. Scared that I will leave her if she becomes too much, if she falls from the pedestal I have placed her on.

The truth is I haven't placed her on any pedestal, she just climbs up on this unreachable spire on her own accord - convinced I wouldn't like her if she acted true to herself. Already I can see that being the reason I will end things. I will despise her for not being real enough, for not allowing me in.

The exact thing I was always told.

I don't want to end things but as I understand my distaste for my partners may be because of my fear of being chained down. But I don't fear that with her, I don't mind the idea of being "chained" to her at all, in fact I welcome it. It's just what everyone tells me how I feel. Maybe they're right, I definitely don't know what's wrong with me.

I think I am going to fall in love with her.

I've never been in love before.

I am terrified.

This is going to ruin me

[dntgo-featl]

She doesn’t like my tattoos

[dntgo-featl]

I never thought that I thought of myself as unloveable. It wasn’t something that occurred to me to have any truth, I thought it was everyone else that I didn’t hold romantic love for. I thought my distaste and avoidance of such things was because it was everyone else who was unloveable.

I have a girlfriend as of the past week. She’s my first relationship since Highschool and I hadn’t had many more before that for the same, previously stated, reasoning.

Of course I wouldn’t go as far as to say I love her, but as someone who doesn’t feel much of anything at all, I am growing quite fond of her. She’s beautiful, laughs at my jokes, tells me interesting anecdotes of her own life, involves me actively in her life and has expressed her physical attraction to the way I look.

Growing up I’ve always struggled with body image issues, in Highschool little had improved. I was fairly popular in terms of women but I am well aware that is because of my nature, not my physical appearance. Once I graduated however, even I can admit I am good looking. Not handsome or anything of the sort but definitely pretty.

Women’s interest in me has increased slightly but primarily only sexually.

Yet it is despite this I have never found myself trusting them.

I struggle to understand people only see me from what I put forth. The disgusting sickly creature I feel myself to be isn’t something others are privy to.

Whenever I have been approached by women I rarely turn them down and enjoy engaging in sexual activities or, if they’re more of the emotional type, stringing them along with the words I know they wish to hear. But not once do I find myself truely believing them. There surely is something glaring about me that even I myself am unaware of that they feel immense disgust towards. Particularly I am inclined to believe it is physical but the way I move my body is unsightly and the way I move my mouth grotesque. I am a labouring creature of kind words. Little else than a pitiful scene.

When will she realise? Surely she has already noticed and is biding her time before she can flee. She doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but I know I’m a disgusting pest that will only crawl inside her and lay to rot and fester.

I can’t be loved. Something like me isn’t bound to the world by such things. I beg of that to be false.

I fear the day she touches me and the muck that makes up my body comes away with her hand. She won’t say anything. She will discreetly wipe her hand and pretend nothing had occurred. But she will dwell on it, her revulsion of me beginning to grow at an alarming rate to the point where when she looks at me she will see who I really am.

What she feels for me now is surely nothing more than empty, vapid, entertainment. There is nothing more I provide for another.

What do I feel for her? Maybe less than what is expected. Definitely more than I have experienced in many years. I don’t want to let that go.

[dntgo-featl]

I love my dad so much

He is my favourite person in the entire world bar none

I don’t know what I’ll do without him

[dntgo-featl]

- going bar hopping around London and ending up eating maccas on the steps of this massive church at 2am

- cycling around the city the night I arrived, seeing a fox and the both of us freaking out

- getting high and going on an adventure through fields, forests, over cobblestone walls and through storm drains

- liting up on a small island in a river with a massive swan only five metres away

- renting electric bikes and speeding through Swords. The gardens were so beautiful

- going out and meeting up with a friend Selena made at a club the previous night and going into his to get high

- sitting on the rooftop balcony with Marie at night, sharing music through my AirPods

- watching that new Apple TV show in MV’s Airbnb apartment above a dry cleaners

- going to the London museums

- sitting on the softest green grass in the Galway sun and listening to my podcast

- the train ride to Galway

- going through a castle on my train ride to Hollyhead

- buying my bike

- sitting on the east pier and smoking a joint with Adam

- workman’s

- the massive hill that leads to the path by the beach on the ride to work

- slowly befriending Yves while he fills his club’s boats

- the flowers that are everywhere

- the three story bookshop

- my zoo trip

- Bog Frog Loop

- Off Beat Donuts

- chatting shit with Richard on our nightshifts together

- learning how to pressure wash

- calling mum and dad when I’ve gotten home from a night shift and pacing in the courtyard for hours as we chat

- the pine woods where I found some geocaches and had to turn back early because I was cold and I forgot my water bottle

- the first and last time I bumped into those two as we waiting for our clothes to finish drying, smoking and drinking wine out of mugs

- my imagination returning

- Wales

- my Scott Pilgrim poster

- sitting on the bench in the work boat looking at the water as one of my coworkers drive

- running across the flats when the tide was out, my shoes getting soaked as I stood in the puddles to help A jump over them

- meeting Jack and Enzie for the first time in the crowd at the Glass Animals concert - most amazing concert of my life

- Seeing Dungeons and Daddies live!! And getting a photo with them!!

- being given handmade bracelets and trinkets by other fans during the Dndads intermission

- drinking sweet wine and eating grapes with A out of takeaway cups in Stephen’s Green

- sitting on my windowsill playing music, incense burning, smoking a joint

- visiting Lithuania

- standing under the bridge in Kaunas at night kissing A

- finishing my story

- A washing my hair in our hotel basin

- learning to love drawing again

- actually finishing books

- drinking chai and chatting with Saule outside of a small cafe on bottle cap tables

- crunchy frozen grass

- frozen puddles

- dogs with light up collars

- Hippie Street

- Bushy Park Markets

- Bushy Park

- hiking through a pine forest with Adam, seeing the thick layer of fog over Dublin from above

- Thick fog

- Moss

- Tom driving me home after our shifts showing me music he likes

- buying coffee every morning before work from the little train station cafe

- sitting on a swing set with A in Lithuania smoking

- New Years Eve with Saule and A

- the Christmas lights in Mary’s strung up absolutely everywhere

- Mary’s

[dntgo-featl]

I think I’m waking up

[dntgo-featl]

So many people think I left because of you but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

I often say I left for different reasons, for different people, and no matter who I attribute it to on any day doesn’t diminish the truth of the statement. But not once have I said it was because of you.

People see you as a stain on my life. Many hate you for it. They don’t understand.

I don’t think I want them to understand.

People know I’m not all there but no one knows how I really feel, how I really am. That sounds so fucking edgy and it disgusts me but I couldn’t think of a better synonym.

It’s not like you saw deeper into my soul or whatever, you quickly learnt I hate when people make assumptions about me, even you. Rather you were in no position to judge me and my thoughts. That lack of external judgement made me open up more than I ever have with anyone.

You’re the one person I could talk to about myself and not wake up wanting to blow my brains out after. I’ve never had that with anyone else.

It’s probably because of how patient you were. You probably don’t think of yourself as patient but I kinda put you in a situation where there was no other option.

I feel as though I’ve been toning down the weirdness between us, either that or maybe it’s disappearing. I hope it’s not disappearing.

It wouldn’t disappear if we were together. I don’t think. I hope.

You should be following me.

Follow me.

Why aren’t you?

[dntgo-featl]

I miss going insane with you

[dntgo-featl]

I finally told them.

I always saw myself as the villain but for the first time I allowed myself to take a step back and see the full picture.

I am not the villain.

I had a part to play, as anyone could agree on but I was controlled.

It’s not my fault.

I am not the villain.

[dntgo-featl]

A

A

C

O

L

M

S

S

[dntgo-featl]

I am not a good person.

I just need people to love me. Romantically. Platonically. Sexually. Anything.

Preferably obsessively.

I want to love them back. I swear.

I can easily befriend people and enjoy those who view themselves as my guardians but I hit a wall with romance.

I desire it.

I crave it.

It sits just outside of my reach.

Each time my fingertips graze it I am overcome with disgust. I pull away as if it burns me.

It’s only then, I find myself missing the warmth.

[dntgo-featl]

I don’t fall in love.

I think I might be incapable of it.

Any time I know someone expects that emotion from me, towards them, I become disgusted. How dare they ever think they’d be worthy of my romantic affections. I grow to despise them if they ask that of me.

When people romantically obsess over me without an expectation of reciprocity I thrive, I feel alive. I egg them on. I constantly swing back and forth, planting seeds of hope within them only to grind them into dust when the hope turns into expectation.

I don’t necessarily hide this aspect of myself as I understand that the way I feel and act hurts other people. I don’t care persay, but I have a logical moral compass. My compass however isn’t fixed, especially the moment a new person shows interest in me. I begin by explaining to them that I am a detached person and that they shouldn’t expect a reciprocal relationship if they are to pursue anything with me. They always say that it’s fine and that they understand, and that they like me for me.

And to their credit they do.

I’ve only had one person pull back after realising my words of comfort and endearing actions are empty. They didn’t treat me in any meaningful way way, they just explained that she was looking for a more solid foundation for a relationship.

It was like my feelings for her flipped like a dime. Suddenly she was all I could think of.

I had hated her before she ended things. I felt so suffocated and saw her as a needy creature who wished for me to be at her beck and call. None of which was true, I just want less than a relationship but more than a friendship.

My Highschool ex girlfriend lives in my dreams. I don’t think I had ever been more attracted to someone. I think a part of me really did like her, at least before we got together and definitely after I ended things.

The moment things end I see my partner in a completely different light. The pain of them moving on hurts more than anything else I know.

She’s moving on.

She used to be obsessed with me.

She ruined my life, drove me out of my own country, yet I was always fond of her. No one knew it. Not really.

Only a week ago she was texting me begging to fly over so that she could sleep with me again.

She texted me about how hard life was now that I was gone, that she felt alone, that she felt lost. That she was unable to be with anyone else because she couldn’t think of anyone but me.

I would text back carelessly and casually, I never truely thought I would lose her.

Then she asked me about a boy.

She’s always going out with guys, it meant nothing to me at first, until she texted me “I really like him.”

The last conversation we had was me reaching out to her, in fear that I had lost her, I texted her amicably, asking about her day, her life, her.

My final question being, “I hope life has gotten better for you.”

Her response was one sentence long.

“Yeah it definitely has”

I really was fond of her.

[dntgo-featl]

I can’t stop thinking about her.

I feel sick.

[dntgo-featl]

Being an empty shell made moving a very strange experience for me.

I’m not longer the guy from where I had been living for ten years, that guy is separated from me. I mean, he’s me, in the same way me at seven is me now, but also not me.

The way I feel for seven year old me is with the compassion I would hold for any sad seven year old that I care about, I know he’s me, but I care for him as a separate person.

The guy I left back in Australia is not who I am now. Our personalities are the same, so is our face, our voice, our consuming anger. But he is not me.

I care about him.

I don’t care about me.

Moving separated my soul once more. That version of me is in the past so I can now care for myself the way I was meant to.

[dntgo-featl]

Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne.

I can’t stop thinking about it.

I was so crushingly alone in Melbourne but I’ve always loved the place.

I keep trying to put my finger on it as to why Melbourne rather than any other place I’ve been and I can’t seem to figure it out.

It wasn’t the people, that’s for sure.

I don’t even miss the places I’ve called home.

I lived in Melbourne for roughly a year and then visited it maybe three times outside of that. There’s no families ties pulling me towards it either. It’s just Melbourne.

I could cry over missing Melbourne.

It’s never been cheap to live there and it’s not going to be any cheaper when I finally have the means to move there. If I even ever do.

I fear people may gloat that I’d come crawling back to Australia but lord knows it’s not those people if ever want to see. It’s not the people from my life that I’m missing, nor my family, nor my house or bird or job. I just miss Melbourne.

I’d happily cut everyone out of my life from Queensland to be in Melbourne again.

If I move back they don’t win because I’m not longing for what they assume I miss.

I found a part of myself in Melbourne I haven’t found anywhere else.

A sad, pathetic part of myself but a part of myself nonetheless.

Maybe that’s because it was Melbourne where I finally stepped out into the world as me.