doesicknss

[doesicknss]

i miss the blonde

[doesicknss]

sometimes it only takes one small thing for me to finally see that i never really mattered

[doesicknss]

i don't belong in the world, that's what it is. something separates me from other people. everywhere i turn, there's something blocking my way

[doesicknss]

i don’t understand why things are the way they are. why do i always find myself stuck in the same situations? it feels like i’m doomed to live in this endless cycle, where i’ll never be understood, never be in the right place. every day, i ask myself “why why why?” but the answers never come. i wonder, but i can’t seem to find anything that makes sense. isn’t everyone supposed to find happiness? why can’t i find peace, find that place where i belong? why is it so hard to keep trying, to be heard, to be understood, only to be left with nothing, alone? it feels like no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, i’ll never be enough. i’ll never be perfect. i’ll never be what they want. in the end, i’m always left alone

[doesicknss]

my boyfriend is the only thing keeping me going, the only reason i’m still here. if it weren’t for him, i don’t know where i’d be or what i’d do. he makes everything feel a little more bearable, even when it feels like everything is falling apart. i just wish things were better for me

[doesicknss]

why? why ? why? why ? why ? why ? why ? why? why ? i don't understand.. why? why? why? why? why? it's a ll the same

[doesicknss]

i want to sleep deeply i need to sleep for a moment but i wish to never wake up

[doesicknss]

i’ve realized something i wish i hadn’t. no matter what i do, no matter how much effort i pour into loving someone, i’ll never actually be happy. it feels like i’m destined to give more than i’ll ever get in return. i love so deeply, care so much, and yet it’s never enough. no one ever loves me as much as i love them. no one ever cares as much as i care. i give pieces of myself away, over and over, until there’s nothing left, and still, it’s not enough. they know i’m fragile. they know i’m vulnerable, easy to manipulate. and they take advantage of that. they use me. they hurt me. and when it’s all said and done, i’m left with nothing but myself. my feelings are disregarded, my needs ignored, my existence rendered meaningless to them. nothing i feel matters. nothing i want matters. i’ve never mattered, not really. i’ve tried though. i’ve tried so hard. i gave everything i had to give. i pushed myself to be enough, to be worthy of the love and care i so desperately craved. but maybe i’m just not enough. and i’m sorry for that. i’m sorry i wasn’t enough for anyone, not even for myself

[doesicknss]

and in the end everyone dies anyway what's the point of living

[doesicknss]

i should be sleeping by now. i didn’t sleep all night, but i can’t just close my eyes and rest. my thoughts won’t let me. everything feels so heavy, so different from anything i’ve ever felt before. it’s this deep, persistent sadness that i can’t avoid, no matter how much i cry. i don’t know how to let it out. and even if i could, i know it wouldn’t go away. there’s something about the past, about what could have been, that eats away at me. i keep imagining things i can’t control, things that weren’t my choice, and it makes me sick. it tears me apart in ways i can’t even explain. the what ifs are always there, haunting me. what if things had gone differently? what if the life i have now wasn’t even possible? the thought of it makes me want to scream. it terrifies me to imagine a world where this love, this life, doesn’t exist. i try to push it out of my mind, but it never leaves. it’s like something that stays with me no matter how much i cry, no matter how much i try to forget. i sit on the carpet in my room, wrap my arms around myself, and let the tears come until they finally pull me into sleep. but when i wake up, it’s the first thing i think about again. it’s a burden on my chest that never goes away, a sick feeling that doesn’t leave. i know i can’t change what’s already happened. i know it’s not something i can control. but the thoughts won’t stop. they loop in my mind, over and over, until they consume me. i try to imagine it being different, but that only makes it worse. the fear of losing what i have now, the fear of things being taken away because of what’s already happened, crushes me.. i just want to sleep. i need to sleep. but more than that, i need this feeling to stop. i need the pain to leave me. i need peace, i need to sleep deeply

[doesicknss]

regret and fear is consuming me

[doesicknss]

i'm sick and now i'm also tired

[doesicknss]

sometimes i wonder if i'm being too much, if i'm overreacting to something that maybe isn’t as big of a deal as it feels in the moment. i question whether i'm making it bigger than it needs to be or if my feelings are valid and justified. it’s this constant tug of war between doubting myself and wanting to trust that what i’m feeling is real and worth acknowledging

[doesicknss]

"sometimes you deserve it" maybe this is right i deserve it i deserve all of those things and worse

[doesicknss]

listening to my playlist and thinking why i haven't killed myself yet

[doesicknss]

every day, those feelings take over, and i feel drained. it’s like there’s nothing of myself left. with each passing day, i lose more, and i don't even recognize who i am anymore