doghell

[doghell]

love me like you'll never touch me. like you'll never feel my body trembling beneath your own. the feel of my warm, clammy skin, shuddering with fear that has been instilled into my child mind. love me like you'll never touch me, and love me KNOWING you'll never touch me. i don't want to just be another hole to fuck. i don't want to be another body to the count. love me knowing you'll never see my body, knowing i will never feel safe or vulnerable enough to share the damaged goods i've been burdened to home. love me knowing you'll never touch me. simple touches will be hard enough. holding hands. bumping shoulders. a chaste, warm hug. as much as i crave to be held, to be enveloped in arms treating me with great caution and fragility, but more like a treasure than a bomb. i crave to be lovingly touched, but i have been proven time and time again that i just cannot trust anyone with my heart, let alone my body. even something as innocent and wholesome as a hug. something so completing. supposed to feel safe. safe in the arms of someone who i know would not hurt me. someone i know will not abandon me. someone i know sees me and understands my hurt. i want to trust, oh do i want to trust so bad, i just can't. i know not everyone is the same, i just have the unfortunate habit of choosing the worst kinds of people. i just want to feel safe. to be heard. i want someone to WANT to understand me. i want to be heard, i want YOU to hear me. why don't you love me. why WON'T you love me. why am i not worthy. i'm trying so hard, i'm giving you my all, i'm doing more than i ever have in years.

[doghell]

i give up. trying to find love. trying to find happiness. everywhere i turn is another fucking disappointment, no matter what i do, how hard i try, i will just never be enough. it will never be me. and i have to come to terms with that. i don't fucking care anymore. just leave me the fuck alone.

[doghell]

[doghell]

[doghell]

i miss the comfort and clarity mom used to bring me. just being cradled in her warm embrace was able to settle me and clear my ever buzzing mind. i went to her today for some validation? i guess? just someone to listen and hear what i was thinking out loud, trying to make sense of the mess in my head. went to her because the man i have convinced myself is the love of my life is "causing problems again" but there are no problems because he is not mine and more than likely will never be mine. i wanted to be heard, to be comforted by the one person i love and trust most in life. wanted that same safe feeling her warm embrace would invoke. i was just met with earth shattering realities that i have known for far too long, but coming from the woman who holds the most logic and influence of my life felt so crushing. he could very well fall in love with someone else and i will be left with nothing but pieces to pick up all by myself. i promised i would never love anyone after him and i mean that. i say i am ready for that possibility becoming my reality knowing well that should that happen, i would be broken beyond repair. i know i won't be able to move past this. even now it is dragging me to lower lows than i've had to dredge through in years. i've never felt this much conflict and emotional instability since my last genuine relationship. i want him to love me so badly. i NEED him to love me. why won't he understand that. is it so hard to see? i'm so scared to be vulnerable, but i try so hard just for him. i want him to see i'm trying. trying to trust him. to lower these walls i've never let down. i want to be worthy of his love, but it feels impossible. there are prettier girls. more likeable personalities with less complexities. they won't be too much like me. annoying. unstable. insecure. sickening. i'm not the best he ever has or ever will meet. i don't know what to do. i feel myself crumbling more and more everyday and it's getting harder to keep it together. i promised to keep pushing, to try to stop hurting myself, to keep living even if only for the people i'm scared to hurt, but i truly don't know how much longer i can keep forcing myself. life is unbearable with limerence, life is unbearable without it. obsessing or not. infatuated or not. i will be unhappy and feel alone. i will never be the world that he is to me. the spark in his eye. the reason for his laughs or smiles or joyful memories. i will never be his moon. or even a star. i'll never be good enough. never worthy. just a dog for a time until he finds someone better. it's only a matter of time. and when that comes. who knows.

[doghell]

[doghell]

[doghell]

fuck you fuck you fuck yoiu fcuk you fuck you fuck you i fucking hate you i hate you i can't do this shit anymore i am not a fucking dog i'm not going to come crawling to your every beck and call you toss me aside like trash every sungle fucking time like i don't; fucking feel anything like this shit won;t hurt me won;t break me won';t shatter me i'm fucking angry i'm tired i'm sick i don't want to keep doing this same song and dance i don;t know what you fucking want i win;t fycking say i love you back you don't get that anymore. you've lost your place. i'm not loving anymore. never like that anyways. i always give my very existence to the wroing fucking people and i can never learn god i am so fucjibg stupid and pitiful maybe i just truly genuinely deserve this pain. this misery. i'll never love again and i never lied about that. i will disappear into myself. i don't fucking care anymore. you don't care. i don't care. i don't fucking care. do whatever you fucking want, go away again for all i fucking care, just fucking leave me alone. leave me the fuck alone. stop spewing these same fucking lies i'm not falling for them anymore. they're not real. this isn't reality. i don't know what you arem, who you are, i don't know what this ever fucking was but i am done. i'm over being disregarded, i'm over this push and pull, i'm over being treated like shit just because i am loyal to a fucjing fault, i'm over this. i'm not playing anymore, i'm not your dog and i never fucking was. i was jack fucking shit to you and you were too much of a fuckin coward yo admit it. if you're going to use me at least have the fucking balls to say it. i know i'm stupid. i know i'm not right. i know i fall for shit blindly. that's why i always end up right back here. in this stupid hole i will never escape from. it never gets better. it will never get better. everyone is the same i don't fuvking care how much you promised otherwise, you;re the same as every piece of shit who's every gotten their hands on me. on my broken shitty mind. i'm not doing this anymore. i'm not. i'm done. take my fucking absence and revel in it. i'm sure this is all you awnted anyways.

[doghell]

if i slowly pull away until i can disappear.

[doghell]

i'm so tired.

[doghell]

the love of my life hates me and is ashamed of me. what a wretched, pitiful dog i am.

[doghell]

It feels like I am drowning in a never ending ocean of my own despair. No matter how desperately I gasp for air, I just swallow more water and sink further and further down the unending chasm of my own dread. I am the water suffocating my own lungs. I am the water dragging myself down to the bottom. I am the painful, torturous emotions surrounding my feeble mind. My body is trembling with the fight that is keeping me from hurting myself. My body is trembling with the uncontrollable emotions that I must control lest I be treated like a ticking timebomb. I feel I am fighting for my very life trying to keep from doing something irreversible knowing that in reality I am far too scared to hurt those I love most with my impulsive actions. It hurts yearning for what once was, knowing I must come to terms with the loss, knowing it is for the best. I feel betrayed and shattered. I feel like the world around me is crumbling into unrecognizable pieces of what was once comfort and stability. It hurts speaking so normally and yet abnormally as more days pass on. The wound that should be slowly healing seems to just get poked and prodded at until what started as a small cut turns into a long, deep gash. My heart aches for what once was. I dream of the safety you brought, the understanding you continue to give me even as I spiral and fall apart. What about you. You're hurting too, but I can't see it. I feel guilt and despair trying to keep you safe and okay, but I know it is all out of my control, nothing I can do or say will save us. I'm drowning alone in this sea. I see you drowning too, but we are so far apart now. I never wanted to drag you down here with me too. There aren't enough words in the universe to express my sorrow, no apology will ever be enough to express how sorry I am that we've ended up this way.

[doghell]

people led by the idea of love or what the heart desires most from other humans, we are human slaves to the hive mind concept of what we convinced ourselves love is. love is manipulation. love is lying. love is cheating. love is pain and turmoil. love is fighting for each other or against each other. love is dragging each other down to the worst versions of ourselves. love is putting the other on a pedestal and worshipping the ground they walk on, the air they breathe, clinging to every word they say like gospel. love is fucking. love is bodies attached to each other in lust and desire. love is abandonment. love is sacrifice. humans are so weak and fragile and feeble, and all we want is to be loved and seen. we want someone who we can feel safe with and call home, be we are vain and selfish creatures all the same. we want someone to desire us, we want someone to tell us we are smart and beautiful, we want someone to claim like property. human beings are so fucking foul, we are foul creatures worse than animals. our love is impure and vile. our love has been tainted by centuries of selfishness. we are in an endless cycle of seeking the one to fill the void, but the void cannot be filled because we are gluttonous in nature. we hunger eternally, the hunger never subsides.

[doghell]

[doghell]

no one will ever save me from the perpetual hell of every day

memories play on loop

and the wounds open up from the slightest touch

[doghell]

my heart hurts and i make myself physically ill with this pain

[doghell]