dontyougiveuponme

[dontyougiveuponme]

2/4/2020 - Everything matters

Everything matters. Well, not everything. What I mean is that every little thing that is you, for example: a negative thought that crosses your mind, the shirt you decide to wear today, listening to the one song that you never get tired of, the food that you consume, etc. All these things make up (the one and only ^-^) you, and you are presumably in control of these things.. More or less. Varying on the factor I’d say depending on how “free” you are. In a sense, I would say that true freedom is never achieved, because there will always be a conflict in some way shape or form. I’d hope that, as an adult at least, everyone will achieve a general and basic sense of freedom. Without that, one  cannot even begin to realize who they are on a deeper level.

[dontyougiveuponme]

6/7/2021 - Update and post of Vampires

Hello tumblr, it has been a while. I have this website pinned but I never bother to write anything. It’s been a little over two years since I last wrote. Yet again, I feel stagnant, or even getting worse. I feel like I’ve changed. I like to think that I’m not the kind of person that changes. I always tell everyone that asks me how I’ve been that everything is the “same old shit”. I feel far away from the person I once was. I can understand that we all mature in different ways, but I don’t want to be a person that I, myself do not like. I’ve turned cynical, critical, judgmental, just an overall non-believer of anything good or positive. Much of the day I can’t say I have any positive thoughts apart from laughing at dumb memes, but I can’t say that counts for anything substantial. I haven’t accomplished much at all within these past two years, and it’s weighing heavy on my mind. I really do want to fix myself and my bad habits. I’ll be 29 this year, so by the time I hit the big three zero, I want to have my life and visions together. In order to take steps in this light, is the reason I decided to write again. I am constantly feeling tired both mentally and physically pretty much everyday of my life now, and I can say that it’s probably the worst it’s been. I don’t remember the last time I got some decent rest. My mind is polluted with so much bullshit I can only manage the upkeep of basic day to day living. My productivity and creativity are in the dump. This shit sucks, hopefully I can organize my thoughts and convince myself to change! Here we go..

Vampires, things that drain my energy:

Phone/social media - Social media is a piece of shit. It amazes me how I keep opening up IG on my phone to just scroll valuable moments of my life away. There’s many times I see things I really don’t like seeing and it actually makes me mad. I hate seeing political shit. Everything has an agenda now. Everyone is a hero now. Everything is money now. Rarely do I see things that I like on there (Isn’t that the whole reason to have the damn thing anyway?). There’s not much genuine things on social media anymore, it’s all just recycled trash. They literally show that shit in your feed even though you’re not subscribed/following them. Everything is an ad now. So much sales pitching, even for oneself as a brand. There’s nothing genuine about it in my eyes, and I really would like to live with less of it. It’s impossible to avoid completely in regular daily life now. I don’t need to be consuming half as much of  all this bullshit on social media. Actually there’s also another side of social media that’s related to my next vampire.

Porn - Some social media posts are kinda like porn. You know the things (TikToks/Reels) you just keep watching over and over.. and over again? It might not necessarily make your peepee feel funny but there’s definitely some kind of strange chemical reactions going on in your brain when you watch that shit. It’s a vampire, like porn is. Porn, I feel like is actually huge in terms of draining energy. I mean of course in moderation, masturbation actually can’t be terrible for you, but what I want to talk about is the frequent kind (lol). I think doing it everyday is too much, especially as you get older. I can’t say I’ve ever came and felt a rush of energy, I usually just pass the fuck out (maybe I should look in to some Kama Sutra shit or something). I’m not an expert on health, but it can’t be good to put your body under the stress of manufacturing all that semen over and over, day after day, after day. I think naturally if there was too much semen, you’d just have a wet dream or something. I mean, it’s been a while since that’s happened to me though. Anyways, I think the body could use some rest from too many orgasms! Yeah I said it. It’s also really draining mentally as well. I feel worse mentally after watching porn than physically (DUH). Well to put it bluntly, porn is fucked up. I can’t quite put my finger on it (uhhhh nasty), but it’s just not right to enjoy watching people have sex and stuff. I’m just a viewer of porn. I’m indirectly supporting this machine that is destructive. I understand that there’s women (and men) that see great success in their lives from the porn industry, and I can’t knock that, although it may confuse me, maybe it is some people’s true passion to suck 100 guys dicks in one sitting. I DON’T KNOW. I just can’t help but feel bad when I see a girl that is clearly beautiful, could have been an actress or a model, and there she is taking it up the shitter. A part of me dies a little bit every time I get off, and think of deeper things like that. I don’t think that if any of those women had a chance to do something else and be successful, they wouldn’t ever choose to do porn. It’s just not fair to them, and now that I think about it, it’s crazy that their success depends on the base of fucked up viewers that they have. Not a pretty thought on all levels, also considering the women that did it and did not succeed. Overall, porn makes me feel like shit, and I need to stop fucking watching it.

Drugs - I can’t deny how nice the idea of having a few drinks or an having occasional cigarette. They’re great socially. By yourself though (which I tend to do often), it is a sad thing. I think it is a sad thing even with other people, when there’s not much reason to be consuming drugs. I understand that they can be a “social lubricant”, but really when you are consuming so much of it you can’t really call it a lubricant. It’s more like a flood, or like a wave that everyone is just riding, instead of people interacting normally. Drinking in excess for me has been common, too common I’d say. I would drink (a lot) with friends maybe every weekend. Recently, I’ve snapped and yelled at some of my friends in some kind of drunken rage (which is actually not even the first time) . This kind of behavior makes me very uncomfortable. I want to be happy and laugh with my friends, not be angry. Drinking is terrible for sleeping as well. You wake up feeling like complete trash, and your whole day has already passed. It steals a lot of life away. Moving on, cigarettes were an everyday thing for me. It was never so bad as to a pack a day, but I’d say I would do a pack or maybe two in a week, so a few a day. Cigarettes are nice in a social setting in a different way from alcohol, it sort of makes you more alert. In regular day to day life though, they are like taking a breath of fresh air. I know how ironic it sounds (lol), but the most common application is to have a cigarette after work. It stimulates you and somehow relaxes you at the same time. In that way cigarettes for me are such a chill drug, like you can’t get “drunk” on them if that makes sense. To be sitting listening to music and enjoy a cigarette is a subtle, but nice feeling. Apart from all that, they do make you feel like shit in a strange very obvious addiction kind of way. You always want one. The triggers are wide. They make you short on breath in physical activity. It does actually have some reactions in your brain to produce feel-good chemicals, so it does steal away some “happiness”. It is also very bad for health long-term, as is drinking too. I need to sober up and look at these drugs from a more mature perspective. I would love to be able to control my usage of them, because I can’t help it; I love beer, I love whiskey, and a cigarette tastes amazing sometimes.

General laziness/boredom - The biggest sign, sleeping way too much. There has to be more to life (lol). I can’t control my naps, they end up taking hours. This happens even after I get enough sleep. There’s so much to do, so much fun, so much building to be done, and what do I do? I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m so spoiled, or a better word I like to use, rotten. In general, I would safely say that boredom is the cause, and the other things listed above (phone, masturbation, drugs), are the effect. If I can learn how to properly control my boredom, I could effectively control all those vices. I think this should be a post on it’s own so I’ll try to attack this and write about it later.

Anyways, It’s sorta sad in a weird way that I haven’t been able to update in a while. So many things have happened. My cat (Nibbler) almost had to get put down and got surgery for free (He is doing great). The old place in Norcross I was renting got burned out, I lived with my brother for two months, and found a new place. I have a girlfriend now (albeit on and off). I’ve been working with my friend for almost two years now, no longer typing away at an office job. My sister Alisha moved to Japan, and very recently my youngest sister Anna finally turned 21. Time passes by and so many big things happen, it’s sad to not write about it. I know I was keeping a physical planner/diary, but I feel like on here I can write more freely and deeper (I don’t know why). Anyways, I hope not too much time passes before I write again. Until next time. ^-^

[dontyougiveuponme]

2/8/2019 - About Me

Who am I?

I am Yuta. My name is Yuta no middle name. I mostly go by the name “Yuda”.

What am I?I

am a human. I am a third born son to be first generation of a Japanese (Okinawa area to be more exact) immigrant family. I am a brother to 1 brother and 3 sisters. I don’t have much other family other than my siblings that I remotely care about (They all live in Japan). My mom and dad both passed away. When I was 9 my mom passed, and my dad passed when I was 20. The only other family member I love is my aunt. My aunt being my mom’s sister. She looks a lot like my mom and she sends presents every year for Christmas, and she has been for as long as I can remember. I guess I have to mention these things because they actually are a big part of my life. The passing of my mom at a young age definitely changed the course of my life already. Continuing, I am a friend to a handful of people and an acquaintance to many more. I’m an artist. As of late, I mostly express through the form of (break)dancing. I used to express a lot more through drawing, and I’m terrible at composing songs, but I also like to associate myself in those artforms as well. Oh, I almost forgot poetry. I enjoy expressing myself through poetry for sure. Apart from what’s been said so far, I don’t associate myself to much else. I don’t have a set religion, or political affiliation. I hate politics so I’ll skip that one, but I’ll talk about religion a little. There is no God. By that I mean that there is no God that appears magically whenever you need him. There is no God that actively stops evil from happening. I do believe though in a God that watches. A God being energy, a force of good. My religion is that one day I’ll die and I’ll return to this “God”, not directly, but traversing my way through the many stars and planets, boarding the galactic express. As corny as that is I really believe that. So, despite not having a religion, I am quite religious. Occupation wise, at the moment I work as a typist. The job is extremely easy and I can live on my own (barely saving any money though). As far as a future in terms of a career, I assume I’ll always be at the bottom, no matter what path I decide to go. I’ll never be successful in terms of financial wealth. I never really cared about money anyway (although I accept how important it is).

When am I (lol)?

As of February 2019 I am a whopping 26 years old (I feel old). I live in a time of great technological convenience. Even though I think that the world has plenty resources for everyone, there exists much disparity in the world. I think much of this is because the world is still run by money. I live in a time where most average people can get along, although there are quarrels over stupid shit still. People are still getting killed over differences in religion, people are still dying from not having food, people are still not even an equal chance at life. Which brings me to the next subject -

Where am I?

Planet Earth. I live in the United States of America (*USA CHANT*). I live in the State of Georgia, and in the City of Norcross, which is not far from the place I grew up in my whole life in Alpharetta.  So generally I’m very accustomed the the relaxed suburb life (burbs of Atlanta). Why am I?I always think it’s funny to think about the question “why?”, because when it really boils down to it, this question can be thought of on such deep levels that it’s almost pointless to ask. Well, aside from science and straight up cause and effect kind of things (1 + 1 = 2 :D), why (in a casual everyday use of the word)  can be a very vague question to ask. “I don’t know” is a generally accepted answer. The truth is, inexplicable things happen all the time. Sure, we can try to rationalize things to the best of our meager human knowledge, but in the end I feel like its a waste of time to try and figure these kinds of things out. This is probably how the word “fate” or “destiny” came in to existence, to be the answer to what’s otherwise just answered with a bunch of question marks. BUT back to scheduled programming..

Why am I?

I dON’t KNoW (T_T). Like I said before, there are some things that are inexplicable. Life is definitely one of those things (if not the greatest mystery, ever). SO IN SAYING SO, there’s no point in thinking about it too much, but I will say this. I believe that we are are all on here, NOT for a reason, but just to EXPERIENCE. To live, to be, to undergo the human experience. To laugh, to cry, smile, feel like shit. I do not believe that we are on the level of animals in the way that the ultimate goal is to procreate and pass down genes/DNA or whatever. At the same time, I’m not trying to say that I look down on animals and nature. I think that life apart from human lives is extremely beautiful. I think as humans living on earth, we are just at a crossroads, and that we must decide which direction we may want to go, which energies to pursue in our life and the afterlife. So why am I here? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I got here in the first place. I’m just trying to find my way back home, to the stars, or become fertilizer, who knows.

[dontyougiveuponme]

Your recent post was very relatable but also 'eye opening' to those (like me) who occasionally refuses to look at reality. Thank you for sharing this!

<3

[dontyougiveuponme]

1/15/2019 - Lack of something important (Necessity)

.. HAPPY NEW YEARS! 

Anywho,

I have a problem. It’s the lack of something important, where one fails to see oneself as important. I don’t care about myself, and I can’t make myself, force myself to do so. I don’t particularly like, or dislike myself. I simply just don’t care. Aside from basic necessities that I need to keep track of like hygiene and health, I don’t try hard to do anything for myself. I don’t mean anything to myself enough to change either.

I realize that I mean nothing to anyone else either, other than through basic connections. By this I mean such relationships like friends or family. The type of bond that is.. I can’t think of a proper word, “certain”. While I see the worth, the weight, and appreciate  these relationships in my life (very much), they don’t stick out to me to affect me much. As sad as it may sound, when it really comes down to it, I know none of these people need me, and I don’t need them either. Am I just getting old, or am I just so disconnected from life and the world?

At this point in my life, being 26, I do see myself to be independent, more or less. Pay bills, make my own food, wipe my own ass. To me, independence is boring, I want to make food for someone else, and I want them to make food for me. I want to have to depend on someone, and to have them depend on me. To be wanted, to be needed, the feeling that I actually belong someplace in this world. Companionship is the word. Like a team, working together to achieve a shared goal. I always thought of myself to be a great team player. Well, I was never one for group projects in High School, but for something I really care about, I like to imagine that as selfish as I usually am, that I do my best when it’s for the sake of others. You know what, I should really just start believing in God or something.

Truth be told, I can’t depend on myself. I cannot, for the life of me (at this point), expect myself to believe in myself. This may sound confusing, and you know, it really must be some kind of strange phenomena. Example: I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve told myself I’d wake up early and “be productive”. It must have been damn near everyday for the last 10 years I’d told myself that. To my memory, I only recall only waking up early to go to jury duty, or just do something I actually sort of needed to do or something.

As more time goes by, the more I think, the more I feel, time slipping away from me. The “best years” of my life, wasted. It’s strange because in my head, I would prefer to work hard, than to be lazy, but that is simply an ideal. An idea that sounds great, but is not practical, at least not now. I guess I would describe myself to be a very situational person.

Necessity. Urgency. Importance.. These are the words I struggle to implement in my life. Things that precede situational variables, The most “successful” people definitely do have a sense of urgency, a feeling they need to do things. Real shit, obviously there are many things you don’t need to do. We just need some food, water and a roof over our heads to survive. The point here is there is a sense of urgency beyond basic survival in modern society, and  I want to find and to adjust where that lies inside of me, sorta hack myself in to primal survival mode in relation to modern society or something. 

Whether or not that’s even possible for me, I have no idea, but whatever the case, I know I need to at least try. I don’t want to have a lot of regrets when I’m older, and the way I’m living now, I know I’m headed straight for Regret Lane. Something needs to change!!

But wait, what about the “want”?

As I was about to publish this post, I thought.. What is the relation of (the word) want in  to this post. Want is a basic human impulse, just as need is. Need is very basic, but want.. Want is what separates us all, want is almost purely subjective. At what point does someone want something so bad to the point it becomes need? I think I solved my problem. The answer to my problem, is I don’t even know what I want, aside from extremely generic things. I always say “I just want to be happy”, or that “I just want to love”. Well those kinds of things, no matter how much I may want them, I may never attain!! I need more specific things!! This is actually sort of crazy I’m figuring this out as I write.

It’s easy to tell yourself you need to do something, but let’s be real here, if you don’t want to do this “something”, then the value of accomplishing said “something” is diminished before its even completed.

What’s crazy about this is that it actually is something you tell yourself over and over again that you NEED to do, but it all goes to waste.. All because we don’t even want to do it.

So what I want to do doesn’t align with what I need to do, no wonder I’m not very happy. Perhaps when I was younger these aligned better, or maybe I was just confused and happy just because. Or maybe I was happier, because the world was much brighter, and larger than I could possibly imagine, that what I had wanted reached far beyond what’s usually considered to be realistically possible. Growing older, more cynical, colder, your heart takes such a beating.. I want to see the world I saw as a kid again, but with better judgment this time around. Over the next few days I’m going to evaluate what really I want, and I’ll be back.

[dontyougiveuponme]

11/15/2018 - Incoherent ramblings of modern day life (Substantiality)

Substance is gone and dead, or better put, nothing is of substance anymore. Music of late has no substance, friendships have no substance, relationships have no substance. Big appetites and empty calories, people have no substance. Nowadays I feel like everyone lives on the surface level of things, and no one cares to look deeper. I would describe this to be an extreme of complacency. At the same time, the same people also feel entitled to the things that are of actual substance and worth, but without work there is nothing of worth. It’s so hard when we live in an age of convenience, but things only have value because of work, effort, time and thought. Love between two individuals from my perspective, is formed from a little magic (like some coincidences, weird experiences) and a lot, a lot of freakin’ work.

Substantial love?

I would like to think that love is like a figurative bonding agent stronger than anything else in the world like SuperStik Xtreme 4Ever Glue©, but i feel like what connects people now is nothing but a thin string, constantly breaking, then scrambling to find the nearest, most convenient adhesive or fixative. Maybe like a fishing line, CHECK OUT WHAT I JUST REELED IN BOIS, SHE’S A KEEPER. Maybe just a ring, a cold piece (of metal) with such meager meaning, given the divorce rate. Maybe it was just a fling, y’know like a quick little sooorta relationship, sorta-not relationship. WHAT? You believe in something cheesy and corny like  true love? Oh PLEASE *cringes*.. But wait, just  think about it, what’s there to live for without “love”.. Maybe progress, but there’s no GROWTH without love. Like fools, we place meaning unto what would otherwise be considered meaningless and wastes of time. If we really are the result of evolution and theories like “survival of the fittest”, HOW FUCKING STUPID is it to have this concept of love implanted, burned, ingrained in our heads. Imagine a monkey waiting in the rain with flowers for his love interest just to stand him up. RIDICULOUS, but let’s put ourselves in to the shoes of our monkey friend (if monkeys even wore shoes). Deep inside he probably he knows that Monkeysha won’t show up, but he still waits for the sake of love. Love is time. Love is timing. Love is taking a risk. Love is essential.  Love is pain. Love is vital. Love is sacrifice. Some crazy one in a googolplex chance, well, more precisely  like hitting the lottery jackpot on a  1 in 7.53 billion ( people on Earth as of 11/15/2018) chance. There is meaning in love, and in love there this meaning (hopefully deep and strong). Of course, when love ends though, it hurts. Undeniably, irrefutably, fuckin’ hurts, but that is the sign, the proof that you had experienced love, no matter what happened, or what will happen. So let’s continue shall we? Let’s not throw everything away because we hurt. Let’s believe in love. Let’s fall deep.

BUT that’s just on the aspect of love. I hate how nothing means anything anymore, in a very general sense. I’m not gonna say that everything is all fucked up, but everything is sorta fucked up. Especially music. I like music a lot, so it pains me for the masses to be listening to such flavorless .flac’s (not that people that listen to bad music would know what that is). I even miss stupid things like text emojis v_v.

in writing this I see that I do suffer from these things as well, that I am complacent as fuck in many areas, and  that I do need some change. I am inherently impatient. I have made many mistakes, have my share of many hastes and many shames. I have much, much more work to do. There is a part of me that wishes for something or someone to magically and instantly make everything better. Well, maybe that does exist in the form of drugs or something, but yeah let’s definitely not go there hahaha. I have to believe that the hard work I do now will directly affect my future in positive ways. I need to accumulate more effort, more feeling, more thought, and I need to build myself. Things will get hard along the way, but that’s just a sign that I am pushing against the heavy hands of complacency. Everything will eventually fall into place though, somehow, somewhere, someday.

(Also, i realize this may have come out as me just ranting about being single, and to be honest it sorta was.)

[dontyougiveuponme]

6/19/2018 - Diary post (alot of mixed shit)

Hey, so glancing back at the previous post from April, I realize that I wasn’t able to stop smoking. Especially around the time after I made that post (-____-). Well to be honest now though, I only have been smoking when I drink. One thing is for sure though, smoking immediately makes me sorta sad! I don’t know if its self disappointment or what, but whatever the case, the nicotine buzz does not overpower my sense of feeling-badness. Anyway, at this point, I’m glad that I cut it down to at least to only when I drink! I think it’s a great step in to improving myself.  One day, I won’t need it at all and I’ll only light one up very rarely. Let’s put that aside now, on to the next subject! 

I need to be a man. I’m at a quarter of a century old, and I’m very much a child. It’s a great thing to have a young heart, but to have the tendencies of a child when someone is at this age is just not right. I want to become the man I always wanted to be. I always dream of becoming someone great, I really do. I can’t count how many times I have tried to do this. To become a man. I’m very irresponsible. I used to be better at being on top of things, but that changed probably when I was in middle school. I became more aware of the world around me, to be honest, up to that point, I don’t know how I existed in relation to everything else. I just WAS. I just WENT TO SCHOOL. I just PLAYED VIDEO GAMES. I just did as was normal, and as I thought was normal. Then came highschool and then maybe still sort of stuck in this “just being phase”, but gradually realizing who I am as an individual, but still so many question marks. I remember for one art assignment we had to make a page in our sketchbooks, like an “About Me” kind of spread. If I remember correctly I put some stupid stuff like eating fast food (lol), riding a car with the windows down, and some normal stuff like listening to music. At the time I was also dancing, so I put that down as well. To be honest beyond that, I really didn’t know too much about myself. Graduate highschool, I did nothing for a few months, I literally lived with some dude and bboys in some random ass house. That was probably the biggest waste of time in my life (lol). I really had no future planned out. It felt like everyone else did though, and I was being left behind. Looking back, I definitely left myself behind. I let myself down. I should have at least started working earlier, or just had some definite goals. I never had any, I never even knew myself. For the sake of this point, let’s skip to today. Between graduating highschool and now, I really do know myself a lot more than I did before, and it’s really because I experienced loneliness. I feel it’s because I have had the time to really see myself for who and what I am, I am able to realize my dreams, my goals more easily, not affected by anyone else. I understand that my chances have shrunk as opposed to as if I had just taken a much more ordinary path, but this is my life, and this is what I have. I want to love, and to be loved. I want to be happy, and to make others happy. I want to be myself, I want to become a man. I want to be responsible. I want to work really hard, and I want to laugh with all my heart. I want to feel like I accomplished something at the end of each day. I want to protect everything important to me. I want to fight. I want to always be fighting for a better tomorrow. I don’t want to give up.

Which brings me to my next subject. How is this done? I have failed so many times in trying to do this, what makes this time any different?  The answer is NOTHING. There is nothing different, if anything, I am more tired of trying, but if I can wake up and live a new day, and if I BELIEVE, then I should be able to do it. If I fail, I know I can always get up and try again!!  have so many problems I want to fix. I’m really such a mess. Anyway, what I want to write about is the importance of short term AND long term goals. I think long term goals are more important, but they aren’t possible to accomplish without many many short term goals and sacrifices. So, in a sense short term goals are actually just as important as long term goals, because in the big picture, they are the stairs that take you to your ultimate goal. So don’t lose sight of the GOAL, but remember to WATCH YOUR FEET, YOUR STEPS, as you approach, or you may never reach where you want to be! I think that’s a big difference between a “grown-up” and a kid. Long term goals, well at least realistic long term goals. I don’t think I’m asking for too much though hahaha. I’m out of brain juice (x_x) Let’s all move forward to a better tomorrow!!

[dontyougiveuponme]

11/28/17 - Fulfillment

A thought today as I went about my day, what really makes me feel fulfilled? This word actually makes me uncomfortable. For what reasons though? Let’s see.. Well for starters, what is fulfillment to me in general? Fulfillment differs from happiness, although they are somehow related. Happiness is just a feeling, which could be a product of fulfillment, but not necessarily. Fulfillment on the other hand, I would say are the accomplishment of innate desires that go beyond feelings. That’s why I’m uncomfortable with the word, I guess, because fulfillment lies in the deepest part of you. Who knows how or why we want things like getting married happily, and having kids. Maybe we are products of the environment we grew up in, or maybe we are all just wild animals with instincts of preserving DNA. Happiness and sadness are things that exist on the surface levels, and they constantly change. Fulfillment is something that exists, even in sadness, in darkness, something we have to keep close to us no matter what. If we could all just follow our great souls to where we were meant to go..

Which brings me to another word, purpose. Purpose is that which drives us. Fulfillment and purpose are one the same to me. Purpose is just an easier word to describe. Whether or not its right or wrong, good or bad, purpose is necessary to live in this world. That is because without purpose, we do not have an identity, and without an identity, we don’t really exist. Humans are just strange. So strange, the less we care, the more unbalanced we become. The more we detach ourselves from this world, the harder things get, which is strange because in pursuing our purpose, there are many bumps that occur. Wounds, that become scars, the pain of living is not easy to deal with. To give up though, is to die. Living is a sign of strength. Living is strength in itself. Living, believing in whatever you believe in, one day at a time..

Lately I’ve been struggling with these words, fulfillment, purpose, identity. I’ve been really careless, feeling bad for myself, lonely.. It’s crazy how things change, no matter how slowly. I’ve been smoking almost everyday, I’ve been more lazy than usual, and I just feel hopeless. I didn’t get a single thing from all of that. I’ve taken a step back and re-evaluated myself. I’ve found that one thing that inspires me, as weird as it sounds, is myself. Not me in present time though, the me from the past. It sounds crazy, but I was so full of dreams before. I’m almost a quarter of a century old, but I remember being younger, more eager, more alive. If that me would see the me today he would definitely be surprised to say the least. I never thought I would end up like how I am now. I mean no one can see the future and all, but I really expected a different future. I know this last part is all cliche and corny, but sometimes that’s exactly what we need in our life! The most cliche, corniest shit really I feel is super effective in making us feel better. Just like how slowly we change in becoming nothing-people, I feel the change for the better is also a slow process. Learning to enjoy the little things in life, all the while dreaming big. I have a general idea of what I want, I’m just gonna take it and see where it goes.

[dontyougiveuponme]

Random #1

Damn near cried when my nephew called me uncle Yuta for the first time.

[dontyougiveuponme]

8/16/17 - Patterns

Life is all just a series of patterns. Patterns on top of patterns. Patterns inside patterns. Everything is repeating in and out of itself. nothing is new. Our consciousness is just a repeating energy inside of our heads, like a pulse, a pattern. So then what? Isn’t it about time you realized this? How long have you gone without a care to what weaved the fabric of reality as we know it? In this age we are born in, we care about such insignificant things, that we rarely care to look inside ourselves and the world that surrounds us. Our mistakes, our faults, how and why things are the way they are. If everything is all just patterns, can’t we take advantage of this knowledge and apply it to our lives? Of course we cannot see in to the future, but only because we are constrained by the concept of time. Errors are inevitable. Being aware of your decisions in this matrix of patterns is all that we have to make us feel like we are alive, to be real. There’s definitely more to this idea, but I’ll have to ponder upon this concept more (this is an incomplete post).

[dontyougiveuponme]

7/31/17 - General Thoughts on Health

Health is a very strange subject indeed. Much of this strangeness is due to how amazing our bodies are. Our bodies do not require much not just to function, but to function well. One summer of my life I remember all I ate was either a combination of rice, soy sauce, and egg, ramen, or McDonald’s. During this time I was extremely active, walking everywhere and training dancing. I feel like the body makes the most of what it takes in. If you are going to give it McDonald's, cigarettes, alcohol, etc, it’s going to take it and do the best that it can do, for as long as it possibly can.

Many health concerns are just an accumulation of shit that you put in your body that it doesn’t need. Eating a Big Mac isn’t that bad for you, in fact, it may be better than some frozen TV dinners out there. It’s the accumulation of all the bad things over a period of time that really start to have an affect on your overall health. (We can talk about immediate health later vs. overall future health.) It goes the same for any other generally unhealthy thing, cigarettes, beers, etc. (We can also talk about what is bad for you and should be avoided later.) If there was a way to quantify all the bad things that we put in our bodies in a year I don’t think it would be surprising to find out that the people with a higher number of shit intake will have more problems down the road.

There are known consequences to bad health choices (diabetes, cancer, etc.), but there’s an overlooked concern with choosing to be being unhealthy. Depression is a big problem that afflicts many people that I know. Somehow being in a constant state of sadness and negativity becomes a norm for some people. It’s not a good place to be, and things don’t really get done. This is probably a psychological thing, but there’s a direct consequence to making a bad choice, where you start to feel bad after the action. This is not always an immediate reaction, mostly because we “love” to make bad choices. I’ll leave a few examples: McDonald’s tastes amazing, smoking a cigarette is great after a long day, as is drinking a cold beer, processed sugars. There’s definitely a cultural aspect that affect how these things are viewed (media influence), but regardless these are things that are pleasurable but generally unhealthy.  The problem is that we know better. We know better than to eat shit everyday, to pollute our minds with trash media movies and music. We know better than to drink more than a few drinks, hell we’ve all had a terrible hangover. We know better than this, yet we can’t escape this cyclical lifestyle.

Stop making excuses. All the resources you need are out there for you, It’s your responsibility to go find it. When you actively try to make your life better, for example, let’s say you start eating healthy; you first feel better because you are properly nourished, but you also feel better because you made a good choice. The same goes for all other vices. It’s a very basic principle. I believe that just like the effects of bad choices, good choices are also compounding. So just do it, make the right decision, you’re smarter than that :D.

[dontyougiveuponme]

7/31/17 - First Post

Writing things down really helps to put things in to perspective on different levels. One is for self evaluation of the present time thought. The other is from a retrospective view. It’s good to consistently check on yourself by putting your thoughts in to a space that can easily be accessed again, comparing past views to present views, as life is constantly changing. I like to think that I don’t change much, but the truth is I do. I change very slowly. As I grow older in age I become more conscious of myself, and the more I’m conscious of myself, the clearer I can see the world. The big picture Is but a figurative term. If I could see it all the time, life wouldn’t be as trifling as I make it out to be, because I know that I am only one human in this one body, one confused pixel of this matrix. Always seeking a more definite truth, but the truth is always escaping. Chasing after it is the only option. Hiking the mountain of life as far as I can, slow and steady. Looking down, the 24 years of my life thus far, it feels like I’m just at the beginning of my journey. Everything below me, my memories, are covered by a dream-like mist. I can’t believe how far I’ve come and all the things I’ve went through. Sometimes, I just feel like I’m dreaming, but I’m not. My actions have consequences. Cause and effect. This is real life, I forget sometimes.