dopeaurum-blog

[dopeaurum-blog]

> You hold him just as tightly as he holds you, securing him close and letting him cry against you. Despite the relationship you’re supposed to have with him, all you feel is tenderness. You just want to take care of him, and make up for the way you’ve treated him.

“I...I missed you too. Too much sometimes. Sometimes I couldn’t just not talk to you. So I messaged you on anon just. Just to feel something like normal again. I missed you a lot.”

> You admit it quietly, one hand moving to his hair to give it a gentle stroke of consolation. 

>You tense up at the arms around you but you relax, moving to hug him back and you pull him in close. You miss hugging him, you miss him a lot. You spent most of your time crying out of anger and heartbreak you never really got to mourn.

>And your brain knows that and jumps the faucet. Soon enough opalescent tears tinted pinkish fall down your cheeks.

“I fucking missed you so much.. I wanted to talk to you I wanted to fucking see you so badly. I just wanted to hold you I didn’t want to fight.”

>You hiccup and sniffle, holding onto him tight, almost as if you were preventing him from leaving. Gods you know you’re going to be as clingy with Dope as you were with Snips when he came back.

[dopeaurum-blog]

> He is a flurry of movement, apologies. He comes to your aid immediately, blanket in hand. You can’t say anything. You need a moment. Perhaps its too long of a moment. You just press your face into the blanket and wait it out, wiping the gold and bile away from your swollen lips and letting your body settle.

> When you can, you breathe. Long, deep, slow. It’s been a few minutes, you look up and he’s still there, looking at you.

> After double checking to make sure you had it all off of you, you drop the blanket. It falls between the two of you as you extend your arms, wrap them around him, and pull him into a hug.

“I’m sorry, Kip. Some things, I can’t apologize for. But I can apologize for hurting you, and betraying a trust that you gave just me, and nobody else. I can say sorry for the way I went about it all. I’m sorry.”

> Your voice is quiet as you speak. Your thumb rubs gently between his shoulder blades. You feel tired.

“I wasn’t lying, or trying to hurt you when I told you that I love you.”

>You finally realize what kind of person you were acting like towards him, and *he came to apologize* yet you fucking went and made it about yourself. You rush to action, taking a blanket off the bed and helping him with it, so that way he doesn’t have to use his hands god fuck you really are a terrible person right now.

“Jesus shit- I’m sorry– fuck-”

>You just want to forget he ever left. You don’t even care with him vomiting into your (there’s thousands of spare blankets) blanket, you weren’t trying to make it about you. You were mad but you ended up doing that anyways. God you’re terrib l e.

“I’ll shut up and forget you left- shit- and we can just fucking- forget everything right now holy shit please be okay.”

>You hate him but you don’t want him hurting. You know he vomits molten gold but you’ve never seen it and oh it made you feel so bad.

[dopeaurum-blog]

> After you’ve said your piece, the first words out of his mouth immediately make you recoil. At least, internally. You quickly find yourself in some very uncomfortable waters--no pun intended, for once. Of course, he sympathizes with your issue regarding immortality, but overall the things he says make it really clear to you that he doesn’t know what you’re going through. There’s so much that he says that you can’t even begin to unpack it all in your head, let alone respond to it. 

> You’re gobsmacked.

> He might have a point about running away from your problems, though. Still, you wind up exhaling a half-silent scoff at what he says.

“You and Kay? Helping me with my problems? Kip, the two of you could not even begin to help me with my problems. I get that you have, a really REALLY fucked up past, and that it’s painful, and I’m not saying this to undermine what you’ve been through. But that being said, you don’t get to sit there and undermine what I am going through, what I will never not be going through. Your trauma can fuck you up a lot of ways, but guess what? This isn’t about you. You get to CHOOSE what happens from here, you get to do what you want, you’re--you’re allowed to fuckin’ HEAL if you want to, or you can wallow in pain for the rest of your life, but that’s your choice.”

> Oh, those are tears. Not tears of sadness, or happiness, or shame. Not the same tears you shed for Kay or Johnny. You’re mourning your own freedom, and you’re pissed that he doesn’t understand that. Your fists are balled up at your sides. Your brain is screaming at you, telling you you came to APOLOGIZE but gods damn it, Kay understood. Johnny understood.

“I can never heal. My hands and legs and chest and whatever else my molten upchuck touches will always be scarred at the least and on bad days? Fuckin forget it, I see bone and blood and puss. And I have to drag my ass out of bed every fuckin’ day and take care of myself, because nobody’s gonna do it for me. Have you ever had your skin glued to the floor with metal, Kip? Can you fucking IMAGINE, even, for a second, the two of us sleeping together and waking up one day to third degree burns because I ate some bad pasta and threw up on you while we were asleep? Why would you--”

>  Your throat is hot, your face is hot, your stomach is hot. You make the mistake of thinking it’s just your temper, despite years of experience telling you otherwise. You open your mouth to say another thing and a fresh, hot, and glowing liquid rolls up your throat. You duck your head and turn away right before it pushes out of your lips and into your--luckily gloved--waiting hands. Gods. You need a moment. You feel so tired.

[dopeaurum-blog]

> He tells you that you’re free to stand while you explain. Well, you would sit in defiance but you don’t really feel like it’s your place to. If he wants you to stand, you’ll stand goddammit. It’s not even the bare minimum least you can do. 

“Well,”

> You don’t really know where to begin. When did you start feeling like you wanted to die? Of course you know what tipped the scales to actively pursuing it but it’s hard to think back to a time when you didn’t feel like you should stop existing.

“I don’t really remember how much I’ve told you about this curse situation. But uuh, I mean? It’s pretty painful? I mean. I promise you, if I could avoid hurting you any more and just die? I would. I tried. As per magic anon bullshit I kinda realized that this shit is uh. Never goin’ away. The curse shit, and also, me as a whole? I’m gonna...outlive my entire family, and do so in pain, and. Shit, life just wasn’t worth livin’ after I found that out. It was already so hard to stay just because I mean. I don’t really feel important to the people that are important to me and I know that’s a me problem but like. What’s the point if I can’t feel the love and support I’m bein’ given, and I’m never gonna...stop hurtin’...”

>You trail off, arms folding to a cross. 

“Nothin’ worked, as expected I guess. I could’ve seen that comin’ but I really thought there HAD to be somethin’ that would kill me, I just hadn’t thought of it yet. Actively tryina die is actually, more exhausting than just passively not takin very good care of myself and sufferin’ those consequences. So I stopped, but not before seriously hurting like, multiple people.”

[dopeaurum-blog]

i mean regardless

its heavy shit i wish you luck in digesting it all. i just kinda ignore it theres only so much i can go grey over.

dopeaurum:

well did you ever think about it in the context of like uh

maybe the multiverse needs all of us where we are to keep a stable whatever? maybe not RIGHT where we are but like, our respective ectoplasmic chunks, there needs to be a certain amount, born into every universe, in order to stabilize some shit on a massive cosmic scale and that other peeps who have a lotta alts are the same?

i mean thats just as likely as the rest of the bullshit ive been thinkin about this evening so yeah sure who knows anymore

[dopeaurum-blog]

well did you ever think about it in the context of like uh

maybe the multiverse needs all of us where we are to keep a stable whatever? maybe not RIGHT where we are but like, our respective ectoplasmic chunks, there needs to be a certain amount, born into every universe, in order to stabilize some shit on a massive cosmic scale and that other peeps who have a lotta alts are the same?

dopeaurum:

you absolutely right 

like im not just circlejerkin here that shit is wild. i never really think abt it in the context of myself because i dont talk to my alts a lot (stupid, because we’re all cool dudes) but like

i have this god right an aforementioned divine toddler? well theres alts of him literally everywhere in other universes and none of them are like him at all, and then theyre also, so different from eachother

the hopbeast hole is infinite man.

thats crazy to me yknow like

we exist in every timeline without fail even if we dont meet or dont know were even us were a universal constant and sometimes were not even like us or like the majority and i guess that makes sense because the multiverse is literally infinite but

idk i cant imagine being me and not knowing im me

[dopeaurum-blog]

you absolutely right 

like im not just circlejerkin here that shit is wild. i never really think abt it in the context of myself because i dont talk to my alts a lot (stupid, because we’re all cool dudes) but like

i have this god right an aforementioned divine toddler? well theres alts of him literally everywhere in other universes and none of them are like him at all, and then theyre also, so different from eachother

the hopbeast hole is infinite man.

dopeaurum:

whats got you so hung up man, how did she hurt you today

[arctic monkeys voice] i wanna know

just the realization that like shit i dont even know anymore where do you start

timelines and alternates and the multiverse man

this hopbeast hole is deep

[dopeaurum-blog]

whats got you so hung up man, how did she hurt you today

[arctic monkeys voice] i wanna know

dopeaurum:

it sounds like youre having a philosophical time over there m’dude

i try to avoid thinking about pspace’s role in anything at all its bad enough my life is dominated by a wily immature pack of divine toddlers i dont think i could physically handle assigning any responsibility onto her (pspace) no matter how much of a cold unpredictable bitch she is.

pspace can suck my left globe tbh shes never done me any favors

[dopeaurum-blog]

it sounds like youre having a philosophical time over there m’dude

i try to avoid thinking about pspace’s role in anything at all its bad enough my life is dominated by a wily immature pack of divine toddlers i dont think i could physically handle assigning any responsibility onto her (pspace) no matter how much of a cold unpredictable bitch she is.

dopeaurum:

you aight? smth specific happen or did we just pick this day specifically to be like hey pspace fuck you

i never sat down to think about pspace before and now i am and maybe i shouldnt have without sleeping bhut man

what a wilde ride

[dopeaurum-blog]

or in my case im bad lookin because of my bad cookin

[dopeaurum-blog]

you aight? smth specific happen or did we just pick this day specifically to be like hey pspace fuck you

dopeaurum replied to your post: me: why is this the way it is paradox space:…

paradox space for Biggest Cuck

you right though

[dopeaurum-blog]

it just occurred to me that i had my birthday a WHILE ago and nobody knew

[dopeaurum-blog]

bad looking, good cooking: cancer, sagittarius, aquarius

good looking, bad cooking: gemini, leo, libra

bad looking, bad cooking: aries, scorpio, capricorn

good looking, good cooking: taurus, virgo, pisces

[dopeaurum-blog]

> You open your mouth to say something--surely to put your foot into it. As soon as you open it, though, he open-palm smacks you across the face. Hard. You’d expected a punch, not a slap, and in accordance to your surprise you stumble back a couple steps, looking a little dumbfounded behind your shades while shimmery beads of blood swell to life in one of the scratches his claws make. You’re speechless.

> Until you’re not speechless.

“Jesus fuckin christ on a biscuit Kip, ow--”

> You grumble, reaching up to secure your palm against your cheek. You watch him tentatively as he arranges your flowers, and follow after him once again like a lost puppy.

“Not to trivialize but that was completely a Pam Beesley you just did there.”

[dopeaurum-blog]

“I mean that’ll be interesting just on the merit that I don’t actually know Snips, personally? Like what an introduction Hey Snips I’m Dope and I caused significant emotional damage to your moirail, nice to finally meet your acquaintance.”

> You ramble nervously as you follow him into the kitchen area of his palace. You don’t know when, exactly, he’s gonna punch you, but you’re a little bit on guard just because it could logically be any moment.

“But uuuh I mean if you’re gonna punch me you should probably do it before I get into the heavy shit. Not that I think my sob story would dampen your desire to hit me but I don’t actually want to be in the position of having poured my heart out to you and then gettin hit.”

> Because really, you know you’re going to get upset when you explain. You can’t actually talk about it without starting to cry, and besides the fact that you don’t want to cry in front of him, you also don’t want to cry and THEN get hurt.

“I mean I know I don’t really deserve to call the shots here.”

[dopeaurum-blog]

me? asking YOU for cuddles? i would never be so forward

[dopeaurum-blog]

yknow whos good company to sleep with?

me

also me with you

us together, even

you say “should” like i even need sleep to survive news flash im just as bodywonk as you are babe i dont NEED to sleep sleep is for weak men who do things like die.