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We looked inside some of the posts by dopecheesecakebread and here's what we found interesting.
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Notes Per Post
13
Likes Per Post
0
Reblog Per Post
0
Reply Per Post
13
Time Between Posts
6 days
Number of Posts By Type
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17
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hey self, can i go back to uhm be delusional again with him? huhuhuhu i was so wrong jud. i wanna make it up to him.
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okay so after my crash out last night with him, we actually went back to our normal convo like nothing happened. or maybe for him but to me, it was, no it IS still haunting me. anyway, i replied to him just like i usually do. i think i had to do it bc if i totally detach instantly, it would bring something to him. and i dont exactly want that. his convo with that girl (whom i chose not to stalk) lives in my mind rent free and it fucking sucks. it constantly rewinds in my brain like a broken cd or something. it really feels heavy for me and he has no idea. this is so funny and painful at the same time im not gonna lie. i have came into terms with the fact that he is still looking for something that i cannot provide. lol. i dont even know the context of their convo but it just hurts me. so so bad. this is one of those moments that i wanna forget fragments of my memories. i need that thing that they used in eternal sunshine. i really wanted to forget bc i honestly think that this will never leave my mind and will forever be engraved in my thoughts. i know that i have fallen for him but there's nothing i can do about it. all those times we were together, the times we talked for hours, our emotional connection, nobody compares to him. really. i swear he liked me, he liked me too :(. too bad that stays in my delusions. i totally refuse to believe that he was using me, but even if he did, i cant deny the fact that i let him. i let this happened. well, it would've happened anyways. i knew it was coming, but i still let it. im stuck in this fucking cycle and i so tired. really tired. but despite everything, i remind myself of everything he said to me especially during new year. i choose to believe he's genuine with what he said. i know it. but i cant keep getting paranoid and overthink everytime. it just drives me insane. and i can't help it. i know it's not his fault. i know we both want our friendship to last long but this is so unfair for him. he clearly isn't aware that he's making me miserable.
what i can do now is pretend that im okay with him. i mean i do but me being connected to him constantly is very unhealthy and it's alarming. with what i did last night, i think it's pretty obvious that it's way out of line. he would never forgive me for what i did, i know it.
what i think, that i need to do is to slowly get off his attention. i cant promise but after our trip to thailand, i will change. it's not exactly what i want but i truly think it's for the best. for me to be mentally fine.
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just bc i dont complain doesn't mean i dont have issues. i think when i finally complain, my inconvenience suddenly becomes my fault, my own doing.
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all of a sudden i don't care anymore. it isn't real. no one is ever genuine.
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i work so hard. by the time i notice im killing myself, it's too late.
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love is an illusion, a concept, an old-fashioned word.
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why do i always get this sudden jolt of zinging pain in my heart? just when i don't need it. i never did. i fvcking hate this.
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can i just say how it's wonderful of you for being there for them. for being a good kuya and person that you always are by providing your shoulders to them while youre also mourning yourself. im nothing but glad because u managed that despite the feelings that you have to collect as well. im hoping you are feeling all your emotions. i know you do.
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the one that wants everything is happier than the one that has everything, never stop loving, never stop wanting, focus on your progress not other people, you are you and thats enough
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oh shi im not falling for those conversations huhuhu pls stawwpppp i cant fall
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