dove-rabbit-nichole

[dove-rabbit-nichole]

Heaven, Faith or Expectations

September 16, 2024: Faith, Hope, or Expectations

I must learn how to give up expectations, but giving up expectations feels like giving up hope. And hope is literally the only thing that keeps me alive right now. It literally keeps the fight in me alive, gives it something to cling to, however, having expectations breaks my heart all the time. I think my hope that things go right is conflating with my expectations that things should be right. But nothing feels as it should be. Nothing is as it was, and nothing will be the same again. I have been trying to have something stronger than hope, but faith has led me to disappointment too. Maybe, I let the past grip me too tightly, maybe the present has presented itself as something other than the past. Faith, hope or expectations it all ends in disappointments.

Today’s Oath:

Can’t allow yourself to leave the work to the intangible, the faith of working for the betterment of self.

[dove-rabbit-nichole]

Hope, Faith or Expectations

September 16, 2024: Faith, Hope, or Expectations

I must learn how to give up expectations, but giving up expectations feels like giving up hope. And hope is literally the only thing that keeps me alive right now. It literally keeps the fight in me alive, gives it something to cling to, however, having expectations breaks my heart all the time. I think my hope that things go right is conflating with my expectations that things should be right. But nothing feels as it should be. Nothing is as it was, and nothing will be the same again. I have been trying to have something stronger than hope, but faith has led me to disappointment too. Maybe, I let the past grip me too tightly, maybe the present has presented itself as something other than the past. Faith, hope or expectations it all ends in disappointments.

Today’s Oath:

Can’t allow yourself to leave the work to the intangible, the faith of working for the betterment of self.

[dove-rabbit-nichole]

9/14/24- Body Issues

Sept. 12, 2024; Body Issues

I am sitting with my best friend Raven, and we are watching Kiki’s Delivery Service and the little bit of the scene with the dad when he spins her around brought me back to being a little girl. I am a plus size wnx (AFAB non-binary) and I have always bigger and I always thought my self esteem issues came from not being able to fit into the normal clothing sizes for little girls but maybe it also comes from my family’s constant picking and bulling of our bodies. I say our bodies because you are not your own when living in my parent’s house. You are a warm body that can be given directions, you are to be selfless and at the whim of two people who want you but do not know how to raise you and because of that you will be tasked with raising them yourself if you decide to pick up the tab. And I would like to say, I am not paying for it anymore. I am not paying for a bunch of people I did not fuck up. They are adults and if they want a change, they can find it within themselves,

There’s absolutely no reason that my parents are my responsibility, if they had tried harder maybe, but as it stands right now; I do not owe them, they owe me. They owe me the decency of keeping me out of their marriage. They owe me the decency of staying out of my business unless I ask. My mom seemed to own my body growing up and it always felt weird talking about my body my dad too. I remember so many times my dad would look me up and down with disdain of my outfit and ask me the most damning question, “Is that what you want to wear?”, like it’s not 10 minutes before I am supposed to leave for school and I am not rushing around the house gathering everything and double checking to make sure I have everything for the long day ahead. No dad, that’s not what I am going to wear. No, I am going to walk my unhappy ass up the stairs after a non-sensical argument at “TOO early in the mother-fucking” morning. My gracious please understand y’all, this guy was fucking ridiculous. My clothes were too tight, my clothes were often too loose (I hated my body that day). It’s not like it wasn’t fine clothing, it was fine cause my mom said it was fine, but everything was a fucking problem.

At my big age of 24 now, he still asks me the same questions and I must pull my eyes up from whatever I was doing and make a pointed steely look at him and say, “Yes!”, as firmly I can mustard. And all it does it quiet him, the look remains as he or I walk away from what has been the same go around for years now. For years nothing has changed except for me. I have never wanted a tumultuous relationship with my body and right when I make some headway my parents used to be able to tear it down or at the very least slow it down even further. Now that I am away from them for the time being it is exceptional how well I do at taking care of myself without their constant badgering. I wish I could shake this need for perfection.

Today’s oath:

I, Dove Nichole Rabbit, shall move firmly and freely in my flesh despite the fear and the messages.

[dove-rabbit-nichole]

September 12, 2024: If I have to hear a Man

If I have to hear a man again tell me some shit I don’t want to hear I will give everyone a visual definition of defenestration. Whether that’s throwing an object or person, something will be filling from this second story window. The world wasn’t created by men it was raped and taken over by men and as a wxn (AFAB fem. Nonbinary) everyone is going to have to feel me when I say this, FUCK OFF. Fuck off today, tomorrow, yesterday and forever. All these half-wit overzealous assholes make my skin crawl, and my stomach hurt like eating something bad. And yes, I understand that life happens, and it is not like people do it on purpose. Yes, but that lack of planning and only being able to think to the tip of dick is a fucking inconvenience for every woman involve. Like if you can only think to the tip of a dick let it be Mandingo or Alphabet leg’s not your “barely make it past the cheek”.

It’s absurd that I get so riled up about the most mundane things but it’s also absurd that I am not wrong in my observations. People need to be more afraid of fucking up a woman’s day with their nonsense. The inconvenience afforded to women is the same energy I give to men after a long day of dealing with life.

Men, all day everyday, are being a problem for the rest to fix. For the men that say they’re not an issue, it is not for you to say. Ask the nearest femme or woman near you (who is not your mother or maternal figure in your life) if you’re a problem or not. And if you are a woman who champions men in every waking moment; get a grip and a clue clown-y they don’t like you either.

Today’s oath;

I, Dove Rabbit Nichole, can’t stand these twice baked, still raw-in the middle, bird-brain men and for their crimes against me, I will be inconveniencing every man (masc. presenting person) at every chance I get.

[dove-rabbit-nichole]

Being Loud

Sept. 11, 2024: Being Loud

I don’t need to argue with people to make a point and they’re a fucking lie if they think that their worthy of an argument. To subvert a person’s expectations of you when they have known you for a long time is hard because they know you’re faking it but that faking means something. It represents something more. More damaging to fake a new attitude but also, no one deserves that level of intensity out of me. The new attitude creates a new air around you that people really can’t stand.

My best friend in the world just told me there’s no reason to yell and she’s damn right. There isn’t a reason to yell unless I am in trouble and people are going to hate that. They’ll hate the new me too but I can’t care about that. I can’t care about people hating the new me because the current me that they tolerate isn’t real. It is real for them but not for me. It will never be real for me because the caricature of who I am is the picture created by stress and drama. When there’s no drama to be had and no one around, why be loud.

Why claim loudness when people suffering from my silence is more satisfying. Easier. I can’t regret or dwell on what I said if I just remain quiet, if I just let the scene play out. People don’t need me to step in and yell for them, hell they won’t learn to stand up for themselves if I do.

So, here’s my oath to me;

I, Dove Rabbit Nichole, don’t need to yell to get my point across. I don’t need to speak unless I have something to say. There’s hell in expectations and I don’t need to go there.