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dreamer-of-centipedes · 10 months ago

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When I was a little kid, I asked my mother 'What does a child need to survive in a desert?'. She wouldn't give me a straight answer, so I had to pull it out of her bit by bit. Would a child live if they had fruit? 'That's not enough', she said. Would it work if the child had milk? 'Maybe'. I kept asking what else, and then she put the dots together, and figured out why I was asking. 'Children can't survive without their mother', she told me curtly. I frowned, not liking this response. 'But, if they had fruit and milk?' I insisted. 'No. Child can't survive without a mother. Don't even think about it.'

But, I was thinking about it, and she knew it. She knew I was trying to find a way to escape the house we were living in. I was 6, maybe 7 at the time. She repeated over and over to me, you would die outside this house. Nobody else would take you in, there's no place for you anywhere else. You would only be a burden.

I didn't like that. I didn't like the idea of being a burden anywhere. But, I supposed she was right, other people didn't need a stray kid.

In my quest of not being a burden, I wanted to learn how to work. In the house I lived in, there were countless chores to be done, but somehow I was always stuck with the ones that required no knowledge or skill. Put the logs over there, clean, carry this over there, sweep, scrub, throw, wash, dig, gather, relocate, hold, lift, put down, bury, shut up, and don't ask questions. I wouldn't get any answers even if I did ask, why am I doing this, whats it for? I wasn't to know. I was kept blind, following orders, up to myself to figure out what was this a part of.

When I'd be ordered to do something I didn't know how, I would be told I 'should have learned it by watching others do it', but I was never free to watch while others worked. In fact, if anyone in the house was doing anything, and I was sitting or lying down, I would be screamed at for 'just watching others work and doing nothing'.

Reaching adulthood, I really wanted to know about cooking, but mother always chased me out of the kitchen if she was making something, or she would chore me with 'peeling the vegetables', which would then take all of my attention. I tried to sneak into the kitchen and learn by myself, but she chased me away as soon as she'd catch me, telling me off for 'wasting resources'. But, as she noticed my inclination, she decided to inform me, in a very clear manner, that I would never in my life know how to cook. You see, I was clumsy, slow, stupid, and would always only mess it up and waste precious ingredients. It was far above my abilities to learn how to cook. She gave me a clove of garlic to cut, and I couldn't do it well on my first try. She told me it was a proof that I was 'no good'. Then she gave me an onion to cut, and yelled at me for 'taking too long'. Now it was proven twice over. I couldn't cook. Everything would be ruined because I was taking too long to cut the vegetables. Also, I didn't know where food was even stored in the kitchen. She would never show me. (The food was stored in boxes in the basement. I would find out years later.)

With a heavy heart, I gave up on learning how to cook, and resigned myself to feeling forever guilty for 'eating their food', which was something my family regularly held over my head. You know, after I helped digging, working the soil, sowing, planting, weeding and spraying, it was still their land, and their food, and I 'had no right to it'. They were careful never to show me how to actually grow food, but just kept me busy with menial tasks that were never explained to me.

I was convinced my mother was a good person, because she usually wouldn't forbid me to eat, and if she wanted me to do a task, she would tell me in a humane way. For example 'Can you do x?'. The other family members had a more crude way, something like 'Why are you waiting to be told, do I have to spell out everything to you??' so her polite manner had completely won me over, I would have done anything for my sickly, poor, kind and generous mother, who was so worried for my troubled self, who couldn't learn how to do anything, or survive outside the house.

Even though my mother repeated through the years, that I would never be able to do anything, and also berated me if I ever tried to learn a new skill because 'it was worthless and wouldn't earn me any money', I would still sometimes gather a bit of momentum and courage, and figure hey, I should try to get a job. It would take months to gather that kind of confidence. And one such time, I announced my intentions, I'm going to look for a job! My mother laughed without looking at me. 'Who would hire you? You can't do anything.' Poof. That was my balloon of confidence, popping and then deflating into a tiny bulb. I didn't think she had any reason to lie to me. She knew me all my life. If she was confident that I can't do anything... then it had to be true. Otherwise why would she say that?

The rest of the family, of course, agreed. My grandmother, she had fantastic stories to share with me about how quickly I would be kidnapped, robbed, murdered, tortured, sold into slavery, you know all that good stuff that happens to every person outside their parents house. My father, who inherited massive amounts of land, 2 houses, illegally got his hands on a third, earned a very formidable salary, and constantly had me working for free for him, told me that it was in fact, impossible for a person to survive out there without inheritance. I frowned because I didn't agree with this, and I asked, what about the people who get a job and move into the city? They were living just from their wages. He shook his head and said that it may look like that, but they're all just living from their family's resources. I was old enough to not believe him. It's him who couldn't live without his inheritance, because he's an idiot, I thought.

So, I finally got to earn some money online. It was slow, and very tiny amount, I was freelancing and there was no consistent income, but my enthusiasm on being able to earn anything, was strong. After all, I had earned absolutely nothing working for my family for forever, and this was mine. I remember securing a big project and rushing to reassure my mother, to tell her that I was in fact, good for something, and she didn't have to worry anymore, I was going to make something of myself.

'You will never get another project again.' Her face was dead serious. 'You were lucky once. Don't count on this happening again'. I was speechless. Self doubt swallowed me whole. Was this only one-time occurrence? Was I stupid to believe it would happen again? I despaired. She was my mother, and she was older than me, and she knew the world better than I did. She wouldn't say this for no reason. Could she be right?

She brought it up to the rest of the family, and they all had things to say about it. 'Online work isn't real. The money doesn't even exist. You'll never see it. Show us where is this money. You can't, can you? And even if it does exist, it will all get stolen from you'.

Leaving me wrapped in my survival panic attack, they went on with their day, satisfied that they put me back in my place (which was an ongoing panic attack). I eventually recovered, and continued to work on projects. I was approached and told I would fail constantly, but even then, what could I do but work with my anxiety levels up to the roof and wait to fail? I had to try.

I didn't believe I would make it, because my mother's words 'you'll die, you'll die' were on repeat in my head, but I realized I would die in that house anyway, so I ran away from home. My mother was worried about me; she was in fact, so worried she called every person who knew me, all of friends, relatives, their kids, and told them about how badly worried she was for me, and how I needed to come back home. These people, well they were all worried too you see, so they had to call me, to tell me that I'm breaking my mother's heart, that I don't know how it feels to have a child and not know if their child is okay, apparently she was crying every time it rained because she thought I might be outside in the rain.

My guilt was activated, but I knew just what to do to resolve this situation. I responded to my mother's call, and she told me too, that she was dying from worry, so I said, listen! Listen to what I have! And I went around the apartment, and I listed all of the groceries I had bought and stored. I listed everything out to her, and then explained how to make multiple meals, I offered proof to her that I had already, in this short time, learned how to cook, and I was doing fine. I was sure she'd be so relieved to know that her child had food.

In my mind we were continuing the conversation we had when I was six. I have milk and fruit now mommy. You said I might survive if I have that.

'Okay, we KNOW you can do everything yourself--' She interrupted me angrily, unwilling to listen to my ongoing list of resources and skills. I froze. '--but you need to think about what you're doing to us and come back home!'

I hung up. Unbelieving. Two things I've been told in that sentence, and I had a hard time believing either. She- they- KNEW I could do everything myself. Since when? For how long? How could she possibly say this, after telling me my whole life, not only that I didn't know anything, but was too stupid to even learn? She knew I was capable the entire time? She knew I'd do just fine? And, she was angry about it. Hearing the list of resources and skills I had, it made her livid. After crying to all these people, and convincing me she was dying out of worry, she wasn't worried even one little bit. It was all fake. The entire time. She could either tell I was capable the entire time, or.. she never cared enough to even tell. It didn't matter. It only mattered that she convinced me that I can't survive. So I wouldn't run. So I would stay in that house, and so she could watch her violent husband, and violent mother in law beat me and call me animal names. While blocking my only possible exit.

Later I found out she changed her story. She was now telling people that I was now 'rich but so selfish I would not give any of my money to her'. It was almost funny. Her perspective of me rapidly shifted from 'incapable idiot who cannot survive' to 'selfish rich snob who won't give money'.

It stung. I had spent my life trying to protect her. Even after running, all I could think was how badly I wanted to take her away from that violent place, how much I wanted happiness for her. She watched me dying in that house and blocked my exit. She threw me back into the hands of violence and cheered them on as they broke me. She watched a kid being broken and told that kid they could not live, except if they stay and continue being broken, over and over again. I got jealous of all of the mothers who helped their kids escape. And of all the kids whose mothers escaped, taking them with. Keeping them safe. Why wasn't I worth keeping safe? But I can't look back in that way. That's not it. There was nobody to keep me safe. Nobody was my mother. Nobody was my parent.

My six year old self reached their goal. What does a child need to survive in a desert? Some fruit. And some milk. And some other groceries also don't hurt. And definitely not a mother like this one.

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dreamer-of-centipedes · 2 years ago

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IchiRuki poems

So finally, here are the poems. Sorry it took time because I needed to gather most pics. Yes most because there are actually more than 10 poems. More than 10 pictures that go with them (well 11, I cheated my way through). Some are from JP RAWs, some are from the scans. I just put what I found. Some of them may look like “little bits”, but I’ll ask you: what other pair has that kind of “little bits”? The answer is none.

Chapter 85 spread: I will pass through even 100 million blades

This is the beginning of the SS arc, and already Kubo grants us with a tiny poem that shows Ichigo’s determination to save Rukia. This was uncovered when the earlier chapters were republished into a deluxe version, where we had the coloured spreads with Kubo’s wordings again on them (they used to be erased by the team, or they did not have access to them because they were using Chinese scans at some point early in the SS arc).

Chapter 133 spread: Though time only moves one way, we can still relive “those days” in our mind.

I like this one for several reasons: first, it’s the first KaiRuki (or rather, Ruki—>Kaien) chapter, yet Ichigo is here, sharing the page with Rukia. And as we’re about to go back on Rukia’s rainy memories, we’re reminded that there is another person who suffers the same fate.

Memories in the Rain is great character development, paints a character’s background, made Rukia understand and connect with Ichigo, made her cheer him up, bonded them in a way no one else bonded in the serie… However, it doesn’t mean that it’s all sunshines and flowers. This is a sad past that reunited two characters. This is why both hate the rain.

Promotional poster in SJ for volume 15: Things take you to high is not only wings

Well, we can thank Kubo’s broken English there, but at least the message is quite amusing: when for a long time, the IchiOri had a garbage quote about “to love is to fly on a bird’s wings” or some shit like that (I really only remember the general gist of it; and because this is so ironic), Kubo had already given IchiRuki “things that take you high are not only wings” (without the broken English). Well, thanks Kubo. Lol.

Volume 19 poem: That’s right, nothing else can change my world

Some of them may go “but that’s Zangetsu’s speaking!” Well, yeah. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s the one living inside Ichigo, at that moment, and who saw Rukia change Ichigo’s world in a way that no one else did nor could ever do again. It’s even aknowledged by Orihime (how Rukia is “the person who changed his world”). It was aknowledged prior to that by Ichigo himself, through Renji’s words to Rukia.

Souls & Vibes covers: the rain drags black sun down, but the rain dried by white moon.

Then, after the SS arc, the first 2 databooks came out. And oh boy, did it stir the shippers. Ichigo and Rukia gazing at each other through the two covers (yes, that’s what the ads for those books actually claim). The symbols we never asked for, Black Sun x White Moon. The colour schemes black & orange x white & purple. Everything came from this.

And not only that, but it does say “hey, Rukia is the one who dried Ichigo’s rain”. You know what Ichigo’s rain represents? Sadness. Unhappiness. She dried all of this. What does it say? Rukia made Ichigo happy.

This notion is reinforced by Rukia’s poem inside of Vibes (no picture):

The Moon that eclipses the night

It is so telling because it paints Rukia as a gentle light (less aggressive than the Sun) that guides Ichigo, that will light the path for him in his darkest moments.

And yes, that interpretation, that I always supported, has been backed up by Kubo in an interview (regarding Rukia’s name):

The show mentioned the name of the flower in latin or something - like “rukia.” It sounded like “Kuchiki Rukia” to me, and I wrote this down. When I created the character, I thought Kuchiki really fit as a Shinigami name and called her Kuchiki Rukia. She had her full name from the very beginning. Later on, I learned that the word “rukia” means “light.” She’s like a ray of light to Ichigo, which makes the name really suit her.

Not “to Renji”, not “to everyone, not “to her friends”, no. Specifically, to Ichigo. Rukia’s name meaning has always been a hot topic amongst fans before he told the truth about it, and people found very early that Rukia in Japanese is written like the name “Lucia” which means light in katakana. There is no difference between “r” and “l” in Japanase, so that’s where it came from. Interestingly, Kubo only picked up the bits he liked. And related it to Ichigo. Yet people are insisting there’s nothing between Ichigo and Rukia? The author seems quite keen on showing them under a certain light, isn’t he?

Souls spread: One Shinigami - One Boy - The Accidental Encounter - The Story of Destiny Begins

This is how Bleach started, how deeply rooted their encounter is in the story. And even if Aizen claimed that he had manipulated everything so they would meet and thus for Ichigo to gain his powers, in the end, it doesn’t matter. Destiny is all above, so even if a character thinks that he’s manipulating another, the truth is, it’s all destiny’s scheme. And Yhwach may spout the same bullshit, Ichigo has already gone through this shit once, and proven that he didn’t care. To Ichigo, his encounter with Rukia is destiny.

And Japanese people do consider that when an encounter is destiny, it’s often more than not with a romantic outcome.

Fade to Black comig book: This time, I will be the one who gives you strength

Did you know that the Fade to Black comic book had a poem? Well, there it is. Not something big, but something nice. I always like how Ichigo wants Rukia not only to be safe physically, but also cares about her well-being. And well, it’s fitting seeing how the movie ended up with a nice hug.

Volume 49 poem: I wonder if I can keep up with the speed of a world that has no you in it

Fast forward to the beginning of the Fullbring arc, and we have Ichigo being emo about not seeing Rukia. This is not the first time; when Rukia was adubcted by Byakuya, back at the beginning of the SS arc, Ichigo already mopped around, wondering why the world was still going on when Rukia was not there. It’s there, in the manga. And that this feeling only strengthened through time is natural since they became even closer.

To all those who spouts non-sense like “he’s talking about Zangetsu/his powers!” lol no. The pronoun he uses refers to a girl. Deal with it.

And honestly, I wonder how come this poem doesn’t settle it all: Ichigo needs Rukia in his life. There, it’s bluntly told. He can’t keep up with the world around him when she is not there.

This poem is known as poemgate, as it literally set the shippers on fire. Lol. One can see why since it pretty much tells which girl Ichigo wants in his life.

Chapter 460 spread: Time goes on… but these bonds will never break

With Ichigo and Rukia right there, yes, it’s clear as fuck that Kubo is talking about the IchiRuki bond. It’s the strongest in Bleach. A point where Ichigo doubts everyone, his friends, his family, his allies. But not Rukia. He trusts her that much, just like she has an unbelievably high faith in him.

And what’s more:

Resurrected Souls volume 6: When the two that share destiny part and reunite, beyond the frame of time, the ceased clock will awake and start to tick once again.

There, it’s written in proper English. As if Kubo was tired of the shit surrounding mistranslations lol. He managed to do yet another poem for the same spread. And it has everything: “the two that share destiny” (remember this is after Aizen claiming everything was his doing), “the ceased clock” (referring to “I wonder if I can keep up with a world that has no you in it”) will awake and start to tick once again. This is it. This is destiny written in big, bold letters.

This is the poem that reaffirms that it was Rukia who Ichigo was talking about in volume 49, for the idiots who didn’t want to believe it.

And that their reunion is special. That it sets everything in motion once again. Forget about the Fullbringers, this is *it*.

Volume 54 poem: If it can be said that it is the heart that in unchanging, then that is strength

I do have a picture of the poem in Japanese, but since this is the moment the poem is referring to, I chose to put the scans instead. And I feel that, in case people would go “but Rukia doesn’t like Ichigo that way!!!”…. just look at that face when she’s thinking about him. Tell me that those aren’t the eyes of a girl in love and I will laugh at your face. She’s never made such a face.

I’ve finally finished this post. And mind you: these are only the poems. I’m not even talking about spreads (I don’t have to make up group spreads into IchiRuki, my OTP already have those spreads where they are alone together, including one at the beach with champagne and nice clothes). I don’t have to worry either, because Kubo backs up IchiRuki in his interviews too.

And more than anything, I don’t care what the others say, because IchiRuki is written in the damn plot. They are aknowledged by everyone as the closest ones. The one who is canonically in love with him is jealous of their relationship. The one who is canonically in love with her aknowledges that she wants to stay with Ichigo.

They were separated during 17 months and this only strengthened their bond.

I don’t doubt that they will become canon. If you ever doubt, and someone tells you “but it’s just shounen!” always remember:

That is all.

#ichiruki #bleach #puts the 'master' in masterpost

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