dreamwxlkers-blog

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Fingers combing through her hair, and shaking out a knot formed by the salty-air, Lani nodded, for a moment afraid of how her voice might betray her. Though she tried to make an effort not to hold back her thoughts –– some things couldn’t be spoken. Or maybe she was afraid of the way they would hurt being dredged out, even as she stood, seemingly fearless, and accepting of whatever reaction they might elicit. She’d never told him she loved him (it would only make things worse) but maybe it was for the best. Maybe he never had to know. Maybe this was some sort of pity date. She hated strong disliked pity. “It is kind of... strange. Slightly uncomfortable, even...” She followed him closely, silent for a moment. For a girl that was comfortable skinny-dipping at all hours of the day, wasn’t it funny that this, out of all things made her so... Awkward. “But no, not weird. Never weird.”

“Actually,” he smiled, a small pause making way between his words. “We can walk to our destination — if you don’t mind. It’s no more than five minutes from here.” Wesley knew Lani like the back of his hand. And this was something he could confidently say without any sort of hesitation or doubt. When you had been best friends with someone for as long as they’d been — it was almost like second nature. To know what she wanted, and when she wanted it. With that being said, he could easily tell that she wasn’t quite herself — and he immediately knew why. 

Leading the way, Wes took Lani deeper onto the sands of the beach. “I, um, hope it’s okay that I’m taking you out, though? I hope it’s not — weird?”

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“Oh, I’m sure I won’t mind. Starting out is pretty much half the battle, when learning.” Old or young, there was always the fear of failing –– though, Lani had to admit, being young did help. Then there were the people like her, the ones that didn’t care about failing. “–– And actually, not at all. You sound appreciative, something which should be celebrated, not condemned.” She smiled with fond recollection. Where she would visit, the streets hummed with the scent of honeydew in the afternoons, sweet and bitter on her tongue and in the air. She missed it like one of her mother’s warm hugs. “If I wasn’t trying to get back to my dad this year, I’d very strongly reconsider rerouting to California. I miss it very much.”

“Really? That’s pretty cool”. When hearing that she was from California as well, Jesse gave a bright, genuine smile. Here was nothing like home. The older he got, the more it proved to be true for him. Being near anything or anyone from California was like a breath of fresh air to him. “How can I refuse when you offered so nicely? You’ll realize that I really am a beginner though. Ask me to swim or to dive from piers but I can’t surf to save my life”. He laughed “Those are really good… and refreshing. You know what I miss the most? The atmosphere. Saturday mornings, Sunday afternoons… I sound old, don’t I?”

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a bird set free ;

The day Lani had gone out into the storm, sky gray with the broiling of the clouds as they tempered above her head, she’d stood with her surfboard by her side, looking over the shore, SILENT and MOTIONLESS, heart in her throat, and a hurricane building at the bottom of her stomach.

Her feet had left soggy imprints from her bike to the shoreline, like breadcrumbs down a yellow brick road, as though she could possibly forget where the ocean was –– the very idea was LAUGHABLE.

     And once it had occurred to her, she let out a giggle.

Seconds later, full-blown laughter was streaming out of her mouth, made near-silent as the CRASH of thunder drowned it out. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed, until salty tears ran down her face, and her stomach ached.

    Grief was a strange thing.

When her mom died, she’d expected it to hit her INSTANTLY. Like a freight train or maybe even a bolt of lightening –– she’d expected to collapse the way buildings do: all at once, with a bang and a violent crumble, leaving nothing but rubble behind, but this wasn’t the case. Grief had come more subtly. It came with the empty chair at breakfast, the silence in the night, the fading scent of rosewater perfume. It was the words UNSAID, forever-hitched at the back of Lani’s throat like raw meat off a hook, dripping acid-like resentment into the pit of her stomach. She found herself waking in the middle of the night, gagging on misery, eyes stinging and throat burning. Dark circles were a constant companion vacationing under her eyes, and she was always, always tired.

Not even surfing –– nor swimming –– could distract her. The thrill of the ocean felt as though it had EVAPORATED the moment her mother had passed away. And selfishly, shallowly, that scared her. If she’d lost her mother, did she have to lose her will to keep swimming too? What was the point, if there was no passion in her life?

Nothing, no life-lessons, no mantras to whisper to herself in hard times, could have prepared her for this. She was as H O L L O W as the Puca shells she wore around her ankle, spending every day clanking around noisily, and pretending she was fine, while the thread that held her together was rapidly wearing thin.

        It ended up taking little more than five minutes for Lani to be flung into the rocks, and for her vision to swim with hazy, black dots. Pain splintered down her back in waves, but it was her leg that burned like Hellfire itself was gnawing at her skin. Blinking away the spots, she reached to numbly touch her leg –– the one that felt like it was roasting over open flames –– and came away with dark blood coating her palm. It was thinner than she expected.

Without the light, it looked less like blood, too, and more like an oil-spill on her fingers. It occurred to her then, in a flash of surrealism, that she was screaming without knowing, her voice sharp as the waves broke against the shore, over and over again,            But then, maybe she’d always been screaming. And. maybe it took her this long to really listen. And maybe it was too late. But, then, maybe it wasn’t.

Now, with the scratchy rope binding her wrists together, and duct tape covering her mouth, she could recall the exact reason why she’d stepped into the water, even when knowing it was dangerous. Even when knowing it was a risk she’d never advise anyone to take.

Being responsible –– being safe –– was a burden she’d carried so long, she’d forgotten it was there. It was only when everything was going to absolute shit, that she felt it materialize again, like a backpack filled with rocks. Something she’d happily taken off the shoulders of a friend, with the intention of lightening their load, only to find that in the process it anchored her down ––              Lani had never been the kind of person who liked being tied down. The world was her ocean, and she loved to swim. It had never occurred to her that no one, not her mom, and not her dad, had ever told her she had to be this way. The advice she doled out ( “mistakes are human” & “no one is made faultless” & “allow yourself to feel, even the negative things” ) was full of hypocrisy. It applied to everyone but her. Somehow, she had to be the exception. She had to be a paradigm of perfect selflessness, kindness and compassion. One that no one had ever asked her to be. When was she allowed to feel scared? When was she allowed to feel angry? When was she allowed to feel doubt? –– At what point could she let herself feel, and not feel guilty for it? Did it always have to take such extreme measures for her to open her eyes and see that everything she thought was true was C R U M B L I N G all around her?             Why was she not allowed to be selfish for once? Where were her gods when the skin of her wrists wore thin, blood peppering the braided rope like the water droplets that often clung to her skin on days when she went surfing? Where were they when the door to the room was slammed shut, and the silence vibrated at a frequency she’d thought was unimaginable? Where were her friends? The names and histories she collected like seashells, each one a satisfying clink in an empty, glass jar? The answer came ringing in the empty, shoe-box of a room. It barrelled into her out of the dark, knocking the breath out of her, and wiping every thought clean from her mind, until there was only this: you’re alone. For all the people that you’ve met, all the dinners you’ve shared, all the couches you’ve slept on,and all the lives you’ve seemingly touched... This is where you are now. Alone, in a room that smells of gasoline, tied to a chair that digs into your back, with no way of saving yourself –– this is where you are now. Where are your friends, Lani? Where are they? Everything–– everything she’d ever done with her life, suddenly felt... Inconsequential. It might have been the fear speaking, but this crisis of faith ran deeper than that. Was there something she was running from, all these years? Some repressed memory she hadn’t known existed? Why couldn’t she just be a free-spirit, blessed (or cursed?) to wander? What was it that she could be running from? Was she running towards something? Was she afraid of stopping? Was she? Was she?? Was she??? Her mind spun like a carousal, with no end in sight. In the dead of night, in God-knows-where, there was no point running circles around her mind –– but she did anyways. To Hell with being irrational.           Lani was alone, and if she couldn’t escape, then she would burn herself to the ground in this room, if it meant rising up again.

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No Parallels || Hands Like Houses

This is happiness, to be everything at once. Be unblinded, be unlearned, be unbridled and unburned. This is happiness. I’m fearless and I’m free, With the open road and the world beneath my feet.

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i cant believe its finally here…. savior of indie pop

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Simple As This - Jake Bugg

Mining for treasure deep in my bones That I never found.

*

Tried absolution of the mind and soul, It only led me where I should not go. Oh, and the answer, well how could I miss Something as simple as this. Something as simple as this.

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“I believe you; thank you very much.” The compliment brought a smile to her face. The ‘ exotic ’ nature of her name had almost always been a talking point with strangers –– there was something elegant about the way the L fell off one’s lips. But to Lani, having grown up in Hawaii, it was just one more way to say Heaven. “If you’re sure...” Fingers curling around the cup, she took a taste only to grimace slightly, “It’s very sweet. It tastes good but, still too sweet for me.”

“You probably hear this all the time, but Lani is such a pretty name,” Dakota complimented with a smile. “And I promise, that’s not just a drunk compliment. I mean that.” Dakota took another sip of her drink before offering the cup out to Lani. “You know, I’m honestly not entirely sure, but it tastes delicious. You can try it if you want.”

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“That’s fair enough. Sometimes it’s good to know when to call it quits.” Her own marshmallow, though tanned a dark brown, still tasted as crispy and sweet as expected –– though not so sweet that she could feel it in the crevices between her teeth. She’d endured that too many times before to still make the mistake of not bringing her own vegan marshmallows. “Are you having a good time? ‘Mallow burning aside, and all?”

       Ronnie had been so utterly consumed in her lack of marshmallow roasting skills, you could say, that she practically jumped when she heard a voice behind her. Turning around, she soon realised someone had been watching her little.. situation, embarrassment instantly settling itself upon her features. Though one could argue that the pinkness of her cheeks were sparked by the heat of the fire before her. “Yeah, I guess,” she breathed, laughter ensuing within and bubbling from her lips. “I would, but I think I should stop before I burn anything else.” 

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Her eyes seem to light up at the mention of surfing, images of her board propped up against a wall in her hotel room flashing in front of her. Her fingers itched to feel the ridges of its surface, even though it had only been what –– ? A few hours? –– since she’d went surfing in the morning. “It’s interesting you say that. I’m actually a surf instructor. I could definitely teach you, if you’d like me to. I’m very good with beginners,” She smiled with a boldness; Lani was good, she knew that much, and was unashamed of the fact. “I completely understand what you mean. I’m from California, myself... I think the last time I was there was about two or so years ago... –– It does make me miss the rocket popsicles they sell by the boardwalks, though. I’m not a huge fan of sugar, but I could break my rule for one of them.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Lani, and I’m definitely planning to do that before leaving and maybe even take a surf lesson”. The beaches here reminded him of the ones back, unlike in New Orleans. It had been a big part of his childhood and a big part of his teenage years. While his parents didn’t really have time to take them, his grandmother would and she also believed that seawater had therapeutic virtues.

For the first time in a while, Jesse felt that he could speak freely to a stranger. Back in New York, he had learnt to be careful when so many people wanted to use him for his money or his connections. As afraid as Jesse was to return to anonymity, it sometime felt good not to be recognized. It was the only way he could be sure the other person’s intentions were good. “The beaches here remind me of the ones in California so I’m far from homesick right now”.

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When you were friends (best-friends) with someone for as long as Lani had known Wesley, there were bound to be countless times where embarrassing incidents would occur –– for Lani, even though her cheeks blushed a dark coral, when they did, she took them as simply more stories to file away and sort through later, when in need of a good laugh. Whether it was drunken ramblings over the phone, getting caught in the rain in nothing but an oversized poncho, or the rare moments when Lani’s confidence on her board would slip, leading her to wipe out with a mouthful of wet sand, by now it was crystal clear that slip ups were a common thing. She waved this one away with her usual casualness, a slight smile tugging on her lips, “No worries –– are you okay?”

Nothing appeared to be skinned, though she did notice that the stem of one of the gorgeous lilies he’d bought her looked just the teeniest bit funny, bent at an angle that just didn’t look right. Still, they were beautiful enough that she couldn’t help but accept them with a deep inhale, peering up at him while her nose was buried in the waxy petals. “Thank you, they’re... Well, they’re beautiful. I love lilies. But of course, you already knew that.” And it wasn’t just that he knew that –– more importantly, it was that he remembered. “Should we... ?  We should hit the road soon.

His stomach was in knots, and his palms had never been as sweaty as they were at that moment. What the fuck was he going to say? The man had previously been telling himself to just — go with the flow. Let it all happen. But just “letting it happen” had never been something that sat well with him. He liked to know what he was getting himself into. And if he didn’t -– well, the nerves ensued. Wesley knew where his heart was, however, he also knew where it should be, and that just made the situation even stickier.

Pulling up behind Lani’s car, Wesley was almost positive he was going to pass out. He hadn’t been this nervous about a women since high school — funny thing — it just so happened to be the same exact woman. His hands were shaking as he picked up the bouquet of lilies, and exited his car. Obviously the nerves had most certainly gotten the best of him, given that not even after five steps towards Lani’s car, he found himself stumbling onto the rough beach sand. His face meeting the ground beneath him faster than he could even process his very own thoughts. “So um — let’s pretend as if you never saw that, yeah?” he laughed, pushing himself upwards to pass the still perfect bouquet of lilies to the woman. “I was just — ya’know — testing gravity?”

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dmitrithebaker:

Dmitri had been about to go and get her some napkins from his car, but it appeared that she had that covered. He nodded at the introduction, flashing her a small smile. “It’s nice to meet you Lani.” His tone was sincere as he slid his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. “So where were you headed before we bumped into each other, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“You too,” the sincerity in his voice (amplified by her perception of the small flashes of his aura) was enough to provoke a brighter smile to take its welcome place on her lips. Lani was more than happy to answer, even as she ran late –– to her, time was nothing but a construct humans came up with to control the natural chaos that dominated their lives. “Oh, I’m going down to Florida for the weekend. There is a charity auction there that I promised myself I would not miss.”

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Emeraude Toubia + snapchat filtros

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Lani had always been the kind of person unabashed by her love of making new acquaintances –– to some extent, she could even understand how it might be taken as naivety. She was the kind of person to happily strike up conversation with random strangers on the street, the sort of girl that could wave a hello to anybody that sent a smile her way and not feel a lick of self-consciousness. She liked to thank the confident example her mother had set for her for that, considering it was essentially the reason she had the large number of friends that she did. “

You should take a dip in the ocean some time too, it’s even better. But then, I’ve always preferred sea water, personally.” Wiping the water off her cheeks, Lani sent him a smile. “Nice to meet you Jesse, I’m Lani.”

“It does look fantastic from my point of view!” he smirked, not resisting the urge to flirt a little. Jesse removed his sunglasses and abandonned his towel to join the brunette. It was so hot that he was pleasantly surprised when he carefully sank into the water. It was one of those days where diving from the edge could earn you to bump into someone else, but still the water was somewhat cool. “It’s perfect…” and he was actually talking about the water there, although the girl did look perfect herself. “I’m Jesse by the way”.

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anonymously make an assumption about me and i'll confirm/deny it

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{ &&. @milasramirez }

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She could see the man’s mouth moving, but the words were lost on her, overshadowed by the splash of a new body breaking through the pool water. Sinking down from where she sat on the edge and into the water, she turned so that faced him, elbows resting up, and calling out, “You should come in! The water is fantastic.”

Jesse spread his towel open on one of the long chairs by the pool and sat down. With his sunglasses on, one couldn’t necessarily tell what or who he was looking at but when he waved back at one of the brunettes in the pool, it was obvious that she had caught his attention. “I love Florida” he said, loud enough for the person next to him to hear.