drmommible

[drmommible]

January 14, 2023

So, January's are the WORST, but this one actually started out not the worst. I have been writing like a fiend since the end of December (to catch up with my annual number against the year before). So far, January has yielded 23 hours of writing (or working on plotting, not all of it is writing). The last week of december yielded 23 hours. I had been working on plotting IN PIECES, and I feel pretty confident about how that is going to go in April for Camp NaNoWriMo.

But then there's MAGICAL BODIES.

There's a lot that has been happening.

First, I decided that I was going to read through all the drafts I have of the novel, write down character and plots and all that kind of stuff. I got through two of the five folders I had and the...

Second, I decided to use Save the Cat Writes a Novel Beat Sheet on my novel, and it actually exposed exactly what was wrong with my novel, well, multiple things, actually:

The Magical System needs to be built

The Crusaders system needs to be built

The Erinyes system needs to be built

The Primitives system needs to be built

Most of this is already done (I was gathering those details together in a Bible as I was reading the drafts), but the Magical System. Ugh.

I am just struggling with it a lot.

And then, there's my mental health.

I was pro-active this year. I bought a happy light. Do you think I can find it?

So I have to find that, because I am definitely needing a boost.

Speaking of no, I cannot find my most recent prescription of buspar, which is my main anxiety controller. I got it in December, a three month supply, and now I cannot find it.

I first tried to maybe ration my meds, but that caused my anxiety to spike hard, so that's a bad plan. I was actually in bed for an entire day due to being so tired and not feeling well due to messing around with my meds. My psych said that he could put in a script for that one as lost, and I am suspecting that i will have to pay full price. This dumb. I can clearly see it in my mind on the kitchen counter. I still have a few places to look, but if I don't find it by monday, I am going to need to ask for the new script.

And the house. It's the house.

So i'm struggling. But I am trying to get somewhere with it. It's hard when your own skin just feels so uncomfortable, and your own brain feels like the enemy. It's hard to just do normal stuff when you're waging this ridiculous war in your mind.

[drmommible]

Where I am posting my Writing Your Grief work

[drmommible]

September 8, 2022: Banging my Head Against The Wall

Today is the same old, same old. Except there's new tragedy in the world: a teacher in Tennessee was brutally murdered while out for a run and her body was found, I think yesterday, and I also learned yesterday that my friend's 24 year old step son died in a mountain climbing accent. I'll bet you thought I was talking about the Queen. Nah, she lived 96 years and died extra comfy. No offense to anyone grieving her, but I have a hard time feeling sad about it.

And we are still struggling with the kids in the morning. It appears that the problem is mainly that they don't get to watch TV before school. They get up around 7, and around 7 is when I have on the schedule to eat breakfast. This is hard because they don't want to eat breakfast right after they wake up either, so they don't get a good meal. Maybe we need to switch up them getting their things together and getting dressed with breakfast. Generally they end up with 20 minutes at least before they leave where they have time to play or whatnot. Perhaps we could move TV time to the end of the morning process, but Bill thinks we need to cut TV out completely.

One suggestion by a friend was to let them listen to their playlists until it's time to eat breakfast, which might work, but I think maybe changing up the schedule might work. Because right now it isn't.

I spend my mornings when I get up to get them ready telling them over and over and over again that they need to do X and Y. And they don't want to do X and Y.

Orson informed me that he is upset about not watching TV. So maybe we can work around that. I don't know. I only know that I ended up in tears this morning because I was frustrated and overwhelmed.

Orson, particularly, has still been a jerk, and then when he gets to the point of crying, he cries about how we don't want him there and that he wants to belong to a different family. Which I hate too. I don't want him to feel like that, and I want to figure out how to fix things before he breaks down in tears.

But then he won't talk about it. He ended up in my arms crying about how we don't want him in the family and how he wants a new family. But when things were calm and I wanted to talk about it, he didn't, which of course I honored.

Bill thinks we need to give up completely on Bonita, and I don't know what to do. I messaged her and I will post screen shots of her responses. She suggested a book and a few things we should try. I also asked her if we could possibly set up a weekly time for Orson to see her in person, but I haven't heard back from her.

So today was rough. Bill told me I needed to take a self care day, which i sort of did, but I mostly cleaned the living room, spilled my coffee (BOO) and then folded laundry. I am going to go pick up the kids soon, so I need to make them their after school beverages and go get them. I told them they could play for longer today at the playground, and I told Tabitha we could start learning to crochet tonight.

Maybe I will get that book from the library tomorrow. I mean, what do I have to lose?

[drmommible]

27 August 2022

Survived COVID. Hoped I didn't give you COVID.

I ended up getting on anti-virals, Bill and I both did. Kids were fine--basically they were sick for a hot minute and then they went from having mostly a decent bedtime and a routine to becoming summer feral the week before school started.

Orson is going to need a new therapist--I am hoping that perhaps there will be someone who is at Covenant can see him. Clearly this is something I can figure out later, but I wanted to mention it.

His anger and physical violence is getting out of hand. We've continued to punish him by taking things away, by sending him to his room, but we added the additional caveat that he needs to be responsible for what he is doing with his body. He needs to keep his body parts off Tabitha and he needs to definitely keep them off Tabitha in anger.

I have been having a rough time with grief this week. Monday, we went to backpack night and the first child I saw going into the building was a taller version of Arlo--and he looked okay. He was with his grandparents (Sarah's parents), and he looked normal. And I was so glad to see it. I said hi to him in passing, but I am not sure he heard me, which is fine.

It wasn't until later that I realized i hadn't seen Lula and then I was destroyed by that.

The next day, I took a slow drive around the cemetery they are supposed to be buried in and I couldn't find them (and I envisioned Sarah laughing because it was pretty silly).

And then yesterday after school, i let the twins play as long as they wanted, and Arlo was there again and he just looked so positively and adorably nerdy with his other 4th grade boy pals. They all were wearing those kind of nerdy black rimmed glasses, except his are red.

Arlo's grandma was there too and it was good to hear her talking and laughing. He might just be okay. I'm sure he's not, but I was glad to see what he might be okay.

I started reading this book when I was at work last and I couldn't make it through the first chapter without sobbing. I'm pretty much a fan of this book already. It's great to be seen in your grief, when you are feeling alone and like everything is wrong and everyone keeps saying they don't understand how you are making it through (and neither do you) and thank god no one has told me this has to happened for a reason. Sometimes stuff doesn't happen for a reason, and really, I don't need to get started about it when people say that this was God's plan. REALLY?

But this book is about how emotionally illiterate everyone in the world is, and about how grief is not something to resolve and get rid of like a disease. It's something to learn to live with and in and through.

[drmommible]

11 August 2022

We had our trip to Omaha and it was a pretty good time. We had fun at the zoo (we got to see a Red Panda, Tabitha got to pet and feed the stingrays). We didn't get to see the whole zoo because we were getting hot and tired by the middle of the afternoon (and we did spend like 6 hours there). The best part of the zoo was the kingdom of the night exhibit which was underneath the desert dome and was completely in the dark except for black light and it was an exhibit of all night dwelling creatures. It was the first time I had ever seen an exhibit like that and I just was so charmed by it. It was super sweet to see an entire cavern of bats flying around in the middle of the day.

I have been dealing with some severe cramps for the last few days. My period is trying to start and I just hate it. It seems to get worse and worse with each passing cycle. Today is day 20 of the cycle so we will see how much longer it goes.

Today I went to see Amy to get weighed in; i managed to gain 2 more pounds back. We discussed how bad things have been in the last 2-3 weeks with the murders and all and she said something that I hadn't thought of: that this experience is not a normal experience. What is happening with my grief over Sarah, Tyler and Lula's deaths is not a situation that happens everyday to everyone, and it shouldn't be treated as something that I need to get over and get beyond. Not that she meant that I should wallow in it, but 2-3 weeks is not enough to really get over something like that (not that I should expect it in 2-3 months or even 2-3 years). I told Bill about this, and he said that for him it's not a constant thing to have grief over thier murders; it's something that just comes and goes and when it comes it hits unexpectedly and hard. Bill said that he saw a woman at the zoo with hair that was curly like Sarah's and it hit him then. It's nice to not be alone in it.

And then my friend, Leah's fiance, Sean, posted this, and it helped a lot:

And I think that goes for grief too. I think about the grief I felt when my father died and when we got to milestones he missed because he wasn't here for them, but this is such a different thing. Mostly I am okay, but when I'm not okay, I'm not okay if that makes sense.

The first week of school is going to be hard. I'm glad I am only working two days that week. I did that because last year working so much during the day made it so hard to do all the things that needed to be done (and this year I scheduled a million things this first week of school and I shouldn't have done that). I don't know if we will see Arlo; I am not going to ask his family what their plans are. They might not even know, and they don't need to be bothered by this.

I did find out which cemetery they are buried in and I am considering going there alone to put flowers on their graves and then maybe take the kids if they want to go; i do think that them going to the library to leave momentos in our dead friends' honor is probably enough.

[drmommible]

7 August 2022

This week has been rough.

I am not ready to work full time, at least not after a friend has been murdered and we are trying to clean up the house and get ready for going out of town for three days. We are going to Omaha tomorrow morning and I can't wait to just not be at work.

Earlier I had to go out to the cars to grab some things for taking to work and into the house, and Orson came running out, panicked because neither of us were in the house, and neither of us (me or Bill) had told him we were going outside. He has been so clingy today and yesterday, especially since there were supposed to be thunderstorms and things yesterday (and he slept through the thunderstorms, BTW). I kind of lost it. It's getting really old to have to practically ask my 8 year old's permission to leave the house even if I am just going outside for a moment. I know that's not the case actually. I know that he is just having a hard time, and i need to be understanding, but it's getting to be a bit much. I don't want to not be there for him, but it's hard when I start to get overwhelmed too.

Earlier today I had to talk to the kids about what was going on. I told them that I am tired and still having a hard time with what happened to Sarah's family, and that I am going to be grumpy because of it, and that it's not something they did or anything. I try to always let them know when that happens because I think it's important to know when I am having problems that are my issues, that they shouldn't be to blame.

One of my friends just found out about the Schmidt family and she wished me peace and justice.

But, there's no justice to be had. Unless the shooter's parents are somehow found to be partially at fault with this murder, no one is going to be charged for this. And the fact that no one is going to pay for this crime is really hard to deal with. It's hard to face this, especially since the autopsy results came out this week and were bad.

I am also trying hard to be more present and to enjoy things as they happen because who knows what is going to happen, and part of me is a bit worried about this trip, not just because of COVID but also because who knows when something like this could happen to us or around us? I am trying not to think about what another tragedy like this could do to our school, especially since one of the teachers from Lincoln lost her son in a car accident on the night of the Celebration of Life for the Sschmidt family and one of the nurses lost her husband suddently.

I am done with tragedy and horror. It needs to stop for a minute. Please.

[drmommible]

August 4, 2022

The celebration of life on Tuesday was lovely. I went with and sat with the people from Lincoln Elementary, and there was laughing and crying, but it was all very nice and it felt good to be with the Schmidt family and share our sorrow and friendship.

And today they released the autopsy information. I read it right away this morning, and learning their causes of death felt like the night I found out that they were murdered all over again. It was before Orson and Tabitha went to their final day of summer reading, and Orson came into the kitchen to find me sobbing. I told him that the newspaper published what had happened to Sarah and her family and he immediately demanded to know the details, which I would not reveal. I don't even want to post it here because I feel like no one needs to have this in their head.

But it's in my head. I could have not read the article, but eventually someone would have mentioned it, and I would have to reveal that I didn't know until then.

I did talk to some of my other mutual mom friends with Sarah, and we kind of hashed out our anger toward the killer and his mother for defending her son. And i know it's not reality to be angry at her and her husband, but I guess we have to be angry at someone.

One of my friends from my drama group said that she was thinking of me and wishing me luck dealing with my new reality.

And it is a new reality. I now live in a world where I know people who have been murdered for no reason (with no reason coming). I live in a world where someone could kill anyone at any time, using whatever weapon they want. But I cannot bring myself to going into daily life situations and look around and think, what would I do if X happened. I can't think about things like going on our trip, and being nervous that we are going to get shot while walking around the zoo or the mall. But it could happen, because that's the world we live in now.

I don't really think about things like that because i know it would set my anxiety off and I also know that if I live in that kind of fear, I am not living, plus Orson can pick it up from me very easily.

Speaking of Orson, he seemed to be happy to talk to Bonita. While he was having his appointment, he would stop and run off to get something to show to her on their zoom meeting. It was adorable. And he has another appointment with her the week after next.

Tonight has been a stupidly annoying night. I just don't have it in me to do my job, but I have no choice. And I couldn't even write for more than 5 minutes, because every time i turned around, the phone was ringing or there was an admit happening (and we don't have the staff or the room right now, so why?) and I just can't focus on anything. I am hoping I will be able to sleep well tonight. Last night i left my phone out of my room and just wore my watch and it helped I think, because i can't really adequately or appropriately doomscroll on my phone.

[drmommible]

24 July 2022 B

I need to stop googling this tragedy because I ended up breaking my own heart with the following picture. I am not sharing this on facebook because I don't want anyone who cares about the Schmidts to break their own hearts with this. But this little boy has a long long road ahead of him.

[drmommible]

24 July 2022

I did end up talking to Orson last night on the phone during a small break on my shift, and he seemed to perk up a bit. He hadn't eaten much yesterday so Bill talked him into going to Culver's to have dinner and he went and seemed better after that. Even by the end of our conversation, he seemed to perk up. But it's still obvious he needs some help.

He actually slept through the first storm that happened last night but not through the second one. I was very proud of him for that--I assumed that he would be cowering in our bed. I don't know what time the second storm was. I was so incredibly tired from everything that had happened in the last couple days.

Tomorrow I will call and talk to Hope Tree first and then to Dr. Krishna in case we need to get a referral or anything. I am not sure what we need to do exactly. But I will be on it tomorrow.

There was an article that my friend, Shane, found, that was about the suspected shooter's mother and it had a lot of really strange things in it.

Of course a lot of details haven't been released about what is happened that day, but there was mention of how Arlo had come running to the suspected shooter's family's campground screaming for help, that a person in black had shot his family.

We are clearly going to have to wait until more details officially come out, because it's hard to believe the story of the mother of the suspected gunman. I just really hope that Arlo's family hasn't seen this article--I can only imagine how much this might compound this nightmare for them.

I did get to doing some writing last night, which helped and I think sleep helped more than anything.

Bill and I talked briefly about what to do about the Omaha trip, and I think what we will do is just do a bunch of things locally and outdoors. There are a few things that we haven't done around here that would be fun, but I can't help but think that the twins are going to be really disappointed. I suspect we are not going to go, but who knows.

[drmommible]

July 23, 2022

I had this window open yesterday and was about to write about our trip to Omaha and Orson's increased anxiety which is boarding on debilitating, but then I found out that this happened:

Sarah was one of my first mom friends--we met at the public library and i slipped her my card after talking to her on and off and asked her to be my friend because I thought she was cool. It turns out she was cool. Her daughter, Lula, and her son, Arlo were and are such sweet kids. I didn't know her husband that well, but Tyler seemed like a really nice man. Sarah had the best laugh and a wonderful sense of humor. This school year will not be the same without 3 of the 4 of them. Their 9 year old son, Arlo, somehow survived, and i can't imagine the trauma this sweet little boy is facing. To watch 3/4 of your family be killed in front of you, and escaping--the amount of guilt and sadness and anger that poor kid is going though...

It will not be the same going to the library and not seeing her working and chatting with her. It will not be the same on the playground, and not seeing her or Tyler passing by, waving as they went, to get their kiddos.

I haven't talked to the twins about it yet. They had played with Lula and Arlo on the playground before, but Lula was two years behind the twins and Arlo was a year ahead of him, so they probably didn't know each other outside of playing on the playground. But I also don't know how or what to tell them, because I don't know exactly what happened. The person with the gun was apparently from Nebraska and we don't know yet if he knew the Schmidts or if this was random and if he had mental issues, but we do know he used a gun, and this is a problem.

So at some point I will talk to them, I just want to figure out how to talk to them, and after we know more details about what happened.

I also don't want to talk about it because of Orson's anxiety. Ever since he moved back into his new room, he has been extra anxious. Between the first night he was in his room and the storm that happened and that last wild storm that brought all the derecho like winds, he's been utterly terrified of the weather. If it's not perfectly calm outside, sunny and with no clouds, he doesn't want to go outside.

I made him go to Target with me to exchange a gift, and he was just a miserable mess for most of the time. He forgot about things once we were in there long enough, but he got all scared and anxious when we got back outside. The night before, we went to see a concert outdoors at the Hearst and he just was miserable the whole time.

This is affecting him so negatively, and it was so hard for me yesterday to keep myself together to keep him together. And this is not healthy. He wants his own room back, and he's just a mess.

He told me that he would talk to his play therapist again, so I am going to contact her and ask what we need to do. I think he needs to talk to someone, because we need our lives to get back to normal.

I understand that some of this anxiety is coming from being older now, and the world getting bigger, and that can be scary. But this is a whole other thing.

And then there's the trip to Omaha. With Covid numbers going up, we are concerned about whether we should go or not. It appears that the hotel is requiring masks, and I think that part might be okay. Concerned about the zoo, since that might be crowded, and also concerned that this variant is more contageous so regular masks aren't going to do it.

So we need to replace this is with something else to do those three days if we don't go, and the problem is that everything we would want to do would require some risk. So we don't know what to do.

I mean, the right thing to do would be to cancel, but I am sick and tired of doing the right thing. I want my kids to see that doing the right thing is the right thing even if it's hard, but I also am tired of everyone acting like COVID is over because it isn't. And now there's this monkeypox bullshit, which is something else.

Back to Orson, if I tell him about the Schmidts before we go to Omaha (if we end up there), he's going to be so upset he might not ever leave the house again, and he might not ever let us sleep alone again and he might not let us leave the house. I think I will message Bonita as soon as I am done with this post.

[drmommible]

July 8, 2022

Bill and I were walking upstairs yesterday to inspect where we might need to touch up, and I noticed that Bill's walking has gotten worse. I asked him if his walking was getting worse because he fell last night (he was fine for the most part) and he said that it's gotten worse.

I am trying to not freak out. I mean, I know things are going to get worse for him, and eventually he won't be able to walk up and down stairs, but I guess I thought that maybe it would be a further time along. I think him losing weight will help, and I think that after the kids and i get dressed this morning, we are going to go for a walk ourselves and maybe they can go for a walk again later.

[drmommible]

6 July 2022

This week has not been the best so far.

Bill bought another gallon of paint yesterday and it ended up spilling onto the carpet in our living room. Personally, I think something like that shouldn't have been possible from a fall from a table if the lid was properly secured, which I believe it wasn't in the store. I will be going back to have a nice chat with someone at menards about it. It just seems like it should have survived a fall like that since it was a twist on, but bill thinks it was his fault. I figure puppy eyes and the horrible picture might yield a discount maybe. Who knows.

So now the house is even worse than it was. I forgot to take one of my doses of buspar last night, so I am going to be a mess today. Yay!

But I am aware of it and I am going to try and keep it together as best I can.

Also, I was at work last night so I couldn't help with the paint issue until I got home.

Orson was very helpful. Tabitha wasn't.

Bill just had a terrible day. He told me in bed last night that he wished that he could get ahead for just a moment to enjoy this house before he couldn't walk anymore and he doesn't feel like that is going to happen.

Well, if that ain't a kick in the pants, I don't know what one is. So I am going to keep that in mind when I am working on the house.

But, we are making progress. Orson's loft was much easier to put together and the mattress is ready, so all we need is to finish the ceiling, which is what Bill was going to work on when paint-ageddeon happened. I have the next three days off, so hopefully Bill can get the painting done and I can work on getting the living room back together (after I go to the store and try to find some more paint removing items because it looks like Jackson Pollock was practicing in my living room).

Also, Nibbler, my black cat, now looks like a zebra. She is in hiding and will get a bath later. Hopefully she won't scratch me to death.

[drmommible]

July 1, 2022

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was honestly *thumbs down*. I had to work so that night sucked. And Bill was like, the kids and I will leave the house so you can have the whole day to yourself without us, because I know what you really want for your birthday is none of us around.

And as bad as it sounds, it's kind of true.

I don't know what to do about the kids. It's been such a rough summer---they aren't listening, Orson is talking back constantly, hurting his sister with his words and his hands (and objects too). Tabitha is taking everything personally and is crying a lot.

Is it leftover emotions from COVID quarantine? Is it because I am a hot mess from what happened a week ago? Is it because seeing their friends is difficult at best?

Seriously, when I was growing up, I just roamed free as a child of the 80s. Now we can't do that, and even if we did, it's not like there's a lot of kids in our neighborhood. And the kids that my kids like, it's so difficult to get a hold of the parents to set up play dates. It's so dumb. It also makes me really worried that maybe my kids don't really have friends, that they don't really like them, and they just put up with them because of school.

And then I think that maybe the kids should each have their own Ipads or device of some kind so they can at least talk to their friends on the internet. But that is also dumb too.

I am just having a rough time--but what else is new?

Now I have the next three days off from work and I hope that we can just have a nice day out of one of them. I am planning on getting the green paint done in Orson's room tomorrow and I also hope to go to the Farmer's Market with one of the kids or both and then head out to Target to get some sunblock because I got the worst sunburn from being at the pool the other day, and I want to get out the kids' new sprinkler so we can have that to have fun in this weekend.

Orson's mattress arrived today, so after all the painting is done, we can put together the loft, finish cleaning the room out, and get him moved up there.

I feel like maybe him not having his own room is part of the problem, so I am hoping to solve that problem this weekend (or rather some other time in the next two weeks--I want to make sure I am home and not working when he gets to have his first night in his new room).

So I guess we will see how it goes this weekend.

[drmommible]

June 26, 2022 This Damn Dirty World

I should have taken an ativan today before I went to work. It's been a rough weekend. Even though Friday held such terrible news, we did take the twins to Sturgis Falls to ride the rides and they had so much fun. But when we were riding home, Orson upset Tabitha while we were talking about what happened in the Supreme Court that day, and I ended up having to take Tabitha for a walk to get her away from her brother and so I could explain to her what had happened in more detail.

She asked what an abortion was and I answered that it's a medical procedure that can either be from medicine or from surgery, where a pregnancy is ended. I explained to her that people who have uteruses (who aren't always women), before Friday, could have an abortion to a point, depending on where they lived. But now, the states had to decide what a person who could have a baby can and cannot do with their body.

She didn't think that was fair.

We walked down to the high school where there were these stone blocks arranged in a half circle with different attributes written on them. For as many times as I have seen them, I cannot remember what is written on them, nor which attribute we were seated on. I held her while she cried about what she had lost, and she didn't even know WHAT she had lost. She knew I was upset, and her brother had said some mean things about it, and I was also mad because my almost 8 year old shouldn't have to worry about things like the right to choose or what abortions are or aren't.

So when I got to work today I was super anxious. I talked to a co-worker and I felt better, and now I am writing this. Luckily, it's kind of slow--slow in that we don't have a lot of staff and all beds have to go through house, so my end of things takes a while. Yesterday I had been able to write for 3 hours and I am hoping to write more today.

I am honestly surprised that I had so many people on my facebook feed who had never said two words about abortion were relating that they were so angry and upset about roe v wade being overturned. It made me feel better, like I wasn't alone. But it was also sad to see at least one group put a ban on talking about it one way or another. It was causing trouble and I get that the mods are volunteers and everything, but it was sad to see.

Speaking of things that were sad to see was republicans who are just not even trying to hide who they are anymore. Like this pile of steaming crap:

Nevermind that he said THAT in response to our only black president.

And this garbage human with the former president garbage human:

WHITE. LIFE. She said WHITE. LIFE.

How the hell am I supposed to explain this to my kids, let alone protect them from this trash? what about my friends who are mixed race couples who have kids? What about my friends who are LGBTQ+ because you know they are coming for them next.

The biggest problem I have right now is what I can actually do. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I don't know what to do. So I guess I will do what I have to do to help others, raise my kids to be the best humans, and try to not be anxious.

Good luck with all of that!

[drmommible]

June 24, 2022: Roe is Gone

I am doing suprisingly well, considering that all the child bearing people in the united states just lost a huge right. I think when the decision was leaked, I dealt with it. I cried a little, got a bit upset, was going to go to a protest, changed my mind.

I finished washing up the walls and ceiling in Orson's room and I used the energy I was feeling to finish taping off the room. I bought the paint yesterday, and we are now ready to go. I think that we might not do any actual painting until Monday, but we will see how it goes.

Tonight we are going to go to Sturgis Falls to do the carnival rides, and tomorrow we are planning on hitting up the arts sale to find something for Bill's mom for her birthday on Monday. I already have a plant that I got transplanted today and I also got a back up plan in case we don't find anything. So I guess we will see how Monday goes.

I haven't had a chance to talk to Bill about the food issues at Bill's mom's house aside from talking about how I shouldn't do that again, and he agreed because he thought that he was feeling really lougy from what we ate, and I was sick from it. So I am going to mention that before we decide what is going on for Monday.

We are planning on either doing take out or going out to eat. I am assuming it will be either Chinese or Brown Bottle, and I can handle those things.

We are working with Orson on trying to think before he acts. He has been really just off the wall lately with his attitude and his behavior. I get that this is possibly because of a lack of schedule and because he's just young, but when he is constantly saying one word or phrase over and over again or is making a really obnoxious noise, and he's asked by one of us nicely to stop, he doesn't. He just keeps doing it, as if he doesn't care that we are upset about it. So we have been talking about that, and working on that. It's hard.

Basically, after camp ends today, we have another week and then our reading program starts. They will go to lincoln on Monday-Thursday from 1045-1145. I was thinking we need to do it like we are going to go ahead and go to school at that time during that week. I am hoping that once we get that settled in, we can take that last week before school starts after we go to omaha to start our school routine.

Where has this summer gone? It's been so fast. It's really unfair!

[drmommible]

June 23, 2022: On the Eve of Dobbs

 I reckon that the Supreme Court decision in the Dobbs case may come down tomorrow. It might still be another week before we hear what the decision is. I feel like it will be tomorrow because it's the last day of the week and that Dobbs will be dropped after the SCOTUS has gotten away from the building and are under guard somewhere. At any rate, this is probably the biggest case, and the one where we stand to have the most to lose.

When I was growing up, my mother and I went to the Moline Gospel Temple in Moline, Illinois. It was a fundamentalist Christian church--speaking in tongues, scaring people into becoming a Christian to avoid what will happen after the rapture to the unbelievers. In fact, that was how I became a Christian--I was about the age of my kids, probably younger than their almost 8 years, and on one summer night, after we had stayed up late playing a game, my mother chose that night to inform me of what would happen: the rivers would run bloody being chief among the terrifying things she told me. She told me that if I asked Christ into my heart, I could avoid this. I remember being scared out of my wits, and crying and screaming into her shoulder, 'Tell me what to do!'

So I asked Christ into my heart. As a child, I didn't really understand what that meant, but I knew that I wanted to avoid going to hell and what would happen to the unbelievers. We started going to church every chance we got, and I learned a lot--too little of it involved God's love and loving your neighbor and taking care of the poor. It mostly involved people complaining about how other races were either coming to take jobs from America or milking our social safety nets. It involved talking about how gay people and abortion would bring destruction. And there was so much gossip--once I started going to school at the private K-12 school the church ran, I realized that my family was too poor to keep up with the fashion scene that involved Guess? jeans and Esprit brand fashion. I was made fun of for my writing gifts and talents.

It was, in retrospect, one of the most unChristlike environments I had ever been in.

I mention all of this because one of the biggest things that our church preached was being Pro-Life. Abortions were evil. You were killing a life, and if you had an abortion, you would most certainly be going to hell.

And I believed it for a long time. Until I had a time where I thought I might be pregnant and I took a 180 degree turn on it. Luckily, that time, I wasn't pregnant, but once I walked in that terrifying pair of shoes, I realized that Pro-Life was Anti-Choice.

Pro-Life could not be pro-life if it didn't care for the children who were here, the people here who were poor and in need. I realized that mostly the so called 'pro-life' movement cared only that the baby was carried to term, and then after that, they didn't care. They didn't want them to have help from the government--they should have thought about that before the girl spread her legs. They didn't want to subsidize anything to help people who were forced through situation to carry a baby to term. Don't these people matter? Or maybe it's about more than that?

On the possible eve of Dobbs, I never thought we would be here. I never thought I would live to see the end of Roe V Wade, and I never thought that my own children would have to go through their lives without Roe's protection. We already fought for this--and since Roe doesn't force people to have or not have an abortion--I don't see why we should have to fight it again.

The thing that makes me so upset about the possible end of Roe Vs. Wade is not that abortion is going to end. It won't ever end. People who have the ability to get pregnant will always find a way to get an abortion or end a pregnancy in another way. There will most certainly be more deaths, as there were in the time bofore Roe Vs. Wade was decided. Mostly, white people will be able to have abortions still. They might have to travel, do it in secret, pay more, but they will still have access.

The people that are going to suffer are the poor and mostly minority persons in this country for whom the closing of clinics, particularly of Planned Parenthood clinics, spelled the end of reproductive care and abortions.

Ironically, SCOTUS did decide this week that is it not up to the states to regulate guns. However, SCOTUS may leave abortion laws up to the states. I wonder what the difference is between those two things?

I don't want my body to be regulated. I don't want my children to have to live in a world where if they need to have abortion care (because abortions ARE health care) that they cannot get to it. It's not anyone's business why someone might need an abortion, but this is going to severely impact people who are going through later terms abortions (which are rarer than the anti-choice movement indicates) by not allowing people who could die from continuing a pregnancy to die. No D&C for those whose babies are wanted and planned for and named, but have severe health issues that won't make them compatible with life. And before anyone comes at me with stories where they were suggested to have abortions because their doctors thought their child would be incompatible with life--you got to make that choice for you and your family. It's always a choice. Just because when I was pregnant with my twins, and had I found out that one of them might have been deemed 'incompatible with life', that I might not have chosen abortion because it wasn't the choice I wanted to make doesn't mean that everyone else should make that exact same decision.

It should be between the pregnant person, their doctor and anyone else they choose to involve. No one else.

And tomorrow, it could all be taken away.

What's next?

Birth control.

Gay marriage.

LGBTQ+ people in general. No more protections of any kind.

If you think this is just about saving babies, you need to re-examine your beliefs.

I hope tomorrow (or whenever Dobbs drops), we get good news that Roe will still stand. But even if it does still stand, for how long?

Choice needs to stay the way it is. I don't want to have the government involved in my family planning. Do you?

[drmommible]

Day 2, finishing Orson's room clean out

Monday, June 13, I didn't do as much as I wanted to (actually where I am at the moment in the room is where I wanted to be at the end of yesterday), but considering I only got 3 hours in, I think I did a really good job. Here is the video for starting cleaning that day, Monday, June 13:

Then here is the end of the day, Monday, June 13, which is where I started today:

Then here is the work I did in the hour I had this morning. I have a bunch of storage bags and tote bags to clean and a whole ton of stuff to put away down here, but I am pretty thrilled with how it looks at the moment. I don't know what furniture we are keeping in there; we might just leave it all in there and move things from one side to the other while we (and by we I mean me) paint the walls (btw, no one is making me do this--if I can get the walls and drawers cleaned out and prepped, I will do the painting the three days I have off next week). Anyway, this is where I wanted to end on Monday, but I am not dissatisfied with how it turned out so far.

What else to do on Day 2? Put away storage bags, wash tote bags, determine when the coolest part of the day is going to be to move all the boxes into the garage, figure out what is in those last two boxes and deal with the rest the of detris hanging around.

But I gotta say, I am pleased with the work I have done. I have gotten so much more done than I thought I would, and I am not too far off where I wanted to be at this point when I was planning this week's work.

In other news, the school board has a position to fill. It can fill it either through appointment by the board or through special election. Special election requires a certain number of signatures on a petition. the appointment part does not. I am assuming there is a petition that will be going around and i contacted the Black Hawk County Elections to see what I need to do to get a copy of it to circulate.

Then, I need to decide if I am going to run or not for this special election. My inclination immediately is yes, mostly because I want to get it over with. The longer I spend mulling something over, the more likely I am to say no to doing it. However, this might be the time.

I am actually not anxious about making that decision right now, probably because all my anxiety is working really hard on tomorrow with the SCOTUS opinion drop. Tomorrow will probably be the end of roe v wade, and I am certainly not prepared for that. Unfortunately or fortunately, nibbler has a vet appointment tomorrow at 9, so there is a good possibility I could be in the vet office and crying my face off because of the opinion drop. I should just not look, but really. I'm gonna look.

I am also planning on taking half a tab of ativan in the morning because I think I will need it.