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Tw C^t$ and Bl00d

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We paint our porcelain skin red as punishment. We deserve to be punished. We deserve to die.

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This hits hard

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

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ultimate goals 

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Call my friends and tell them that I love them, And I’ll miss them, Sorry.

listen before i go // Billie Eilish (via stressed-and-sometimes-sassy)

Such a scary thought, That i’ve thought about it....

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It’s horrible knowing how long it’s been since I last cut yet I still want the high.

The comfort of cutting is too nice, do I even want to get better?

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I forget how good cutting feels sometimes.

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I have no idea! it’s awful :(

So hard to deal with

Can we just talk about the ITCHING !!?!!? HOW THE FUCK DO I DEAL WITH IT IT IS KILLING ME

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i thought it was obvious

my grades started dropping,

my room looked like a mess

my smile and my appetite disappeared,

I stopped talking to my friends and just stayed in my room all day

but somehow

nobody noticed

no one helped me or asked me if I'm okay

I was completely alone and it ate me up inside

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If this hellsite website gets shut down I will be very disappointed because this is the closest I’ve ever been to popular even though it’s like sitting at the cool table at a mental hospital

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Please do take the time to look around you and actually check if people are okay, this is so true and hard to ignore when you look.

I call them depression eyes, and they scare me.

When I had consistent depression for 3 years, I had a look. An expression in my eyes that shone through no matter how much I smiled.

No one ever noticed the look, but I knew it was there. I waited in fear for someone to notice it. And despite the terror, I also wished for it to be noticed. I needed help.

I recognize it sometimes, in those around me. I can’t out you in public though. I wouldn’t dare.

But I see you. I see you are sick. Please. Tell someone you trust. Because I can’t out you. That could make things worse. But when I take my time to make sure you specifically are well, know that I see you. And I care about you.

Sometimes I see the look in selfies online. And I stare, anxiety bubbling up, not daring to scroll. As if my staring could help them. As if nothing could happen if I just didn’t look away.

Someone always cares about you. Somewhere. Even if they can’t show it in the way they would like.

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Think you eat too much to have a problem?

Many active people (women included) eat 3000+ calories a day and stay plenty lean.

The recommended daily calorie intake is 2000 for women and 2500 for men.

The recommended daily calorie intake for weight loss is 1500 for women and 2000 for men.

A 5-year-old needs about 1400 calories or more every day.

The minimum daily calorie intake for a long-term diet without medical supervision is 1200 for women and 1800 for men. Eating less than that eventually leads to starvation mode (a real–yes, real–state of biological stress characterized by decreased metabolism, increased cortisol production, and heart, brain, organ, bone, and muscle damage).

A 2-year-old needs about 1000 calories or more every day.

Most people can’t even imagine eating 1000 calories in a day. You’ll get 1,357 Google results if you search for the exact phrase “1000 calories is way too low” or “1000 calories is way too little”…but you’ll get even more results if you Google the same phrases for 1200 calories, because few people consider dipping below 1200.

A 3-digit daily calorie intake puts you at high risk for binge-eating, slowed metabolism, bone and muscle loss, nutritional deficiencies, gastrointestinal issues, infertility, hair loss, mood swings, and depression. Oh–and sudden death.

900 calories is less than what a completely sedentary, 5'0", 80 lb, 70-year-old woman burns daily (keeping in mind that your metabolism slows with age).

A very low calorie diet, also known as a starvation diet, is 800 calories a day or less. It is prescribed by doctors to obesity patients who need to lose weight quickly, is specially formulated to be nutritionally complete, and is monitored by medical professionals to prevent sudden cardiac arrest and death. It is considered an extreme diet.

600 calories a day or less is literal starvation.

500 calories is less than the daily calorie needs of the average 1-month-old.

400 calories is less than the daily calorie needs of the average newborn.

300 calories is less than what the adult brain alone burns every day.

-Mod Lia

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This makes so much sense...

I didn’t even realise I was doing this too...

- Avoiding self care - not taking meds - procrastinating for punishment - setting alarm earlier so I sleep less and are therefore more tired - also my own addition: going to sleep late so I’m tired the next day and so I don’t have brain power to think about anything before I sleep, my brain can’t think about stuff.

Subtle Self Harm is Real

For those of you who don’t know, self harm can be subtle. It isn’t always visible scars and blood and such. Here’s a list of a few ways people self harm that are more subtle to watch out for in your friends.

- avoiding self-care (ex: not showering, not drinking water, not eating or overeating, keeping oneself awake) - not taking medication(s) - procrastinating or completely not doing an important task for the punishment they get in response - not talking - talking, but never about themselves - spending all their cash (to binge, so they don’t buy that self-harm item they’ve been looking at, so they can’t buy lunch tomorrow and have an excuse) or none of it (so they don’t have to eat, so they don’t get that boost of happiness from buying something, so they can watch you buy something and torture themselves with the idea that you feel bad about eating in front of them and therefor they feel guilty which is a negative feeling… yeah it’s confusing but it’s what my brain does) - not allowing comfort objects or comforting people when you need them - refusing to do anything that makes you happy because you “don’t deserve it” - overworking yourself so other people think you’re successful and happy while actually you’re just doing it to feel more stressed - setting your alarm earlier than you have to so you sleep less and are therefor more tired

It can get complicated and weird to have mental health issues. Become aware of when you or someone you love is self harming, even subtly, so you can begin to stop it. Don’t torture yourself.

I’m going to go try and take my own advice. In the meantime, know that you are valid; you are loved; you are worth it. Be safe <3

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Fasting

First long fast: 20 and 1/2 hours :)

Kinda proud... I threw away breakfast without anyone noticing, didn’t eat lunch and I exercised for 5+ hours!

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I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry.

Written and repeated enough times to make the word hungry look wrong...

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This is achievable! Within the realm of ‘healthy’.

I want this... I need this...