drtnwithacamera-blog

[drtnwithacamera-blog]

I’ve recently decided to start a little side project where I will be chatting with friends or other people who’s stories I find interesting and/or who may be affected by the current political climate. I started with my best friend, Kari, who is (at the time of chatting) 32 weeks pregnant. Her story interests me because just last year she had an abortion through Planned Parenthood and then 6 or 7 months later found out she was pregnant and something changed. Below is a discussion we had regarding her experience with the abortion, her experience with her current pregnancy, what’s changed, and what her hopes & fears are with bringing a daughter into the world, during an administration that is so adamantly anti-woman. 

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Me: So let’s talk about your abortion. What was your immediate reaction finding out your were pregnant? Kari: This is about... a little over a year ago. When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately knew I wasn't ready. Ryan (Kari’s fiancé/baby daddy) knew he wasn’t ready. Me: What is your definition of “being ready”? Kari: Well I don't think you can ever be “ready” to have a baby.... I don’t think I'm ready now. But at that time I didn’t feel stable enough mentally, emotionally, financially. I just wasn't in the right place. I didn't feel like being a mother was right at that moment. I knew that immediately. There was no question about it. Me: Did you feel more that way because of your personal life or was there any consideration where had you gone through the pregnancy, was there a fear where you would be disadvantaging the child? Kari: Well it kind of ties in to both... my personal life directly affects how I would raise a child. If I’m at a point in my life where I barely feel capable of taking care of myself, I wouldn’t want to put a child in that position. Bring a child into the world and with it potential resentment between me and that child. If I [keep it] just because society says I should, or my family says I should or my friends say I should... it has to be a decision that you make that’s best for yourself in the future, and ultimately the child. Me: So what was the thought process from finding out you were pregnant to “ok I’m getting an abortion”? Kari: Honestly, there wasn't much thought there.. I knew my options. I knew adoption was one of them but doing that almost has more potential of a traumatic experience I think, for me, than having an abortion. Because then I have to go through carrying for 9 months, potentially growing an attachment to it, seeing it holding it and having it taken away. Not to mention there are so many kids in the system now where their needs aren't being met. I wouldn’t want to put a child through that, no less a child from myself. Knowing that I have a kid out there but not knowing what the state of their well being is… I think abortion was my best and only option at the time. It was definitely still traumatic. It was painful, emotionally and physically. But I never regretted it. From the moment I decided to have one to now, I know it was the right decision. Me: So a lot of my closest friends have had them. But what is the process of having the actual abortion? You go to planned parenthood..? Kari:
It depends how you go about it. Thankfully, I had Planned Parenthood available to me. Even though, you know, I was working two jobs, but one of them was freelance and the other waitressing. So I’m not getting health benefits from either. Fortunately, I had Planned Parenthood available. Through them everything was taken care of. The aftercare, the abortion. I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood which you have to do before 8 weeks. I was about 4 or 5 weeks when I found out and had the abortion about 6 and a half weeks almost 7. Me: Did they tell you at what point the embryo or the fetus was at, at the point of the abortion? Kari: I did a bit of research and when I went to planned parenthood, they showed me the ultrasound. She asked if I wanted to see it. At that point it’s basically just a cluster of cells... I don’t think until 9,10,11 weeks until it even has a heart beat until that point. Me: And there was no like push or anything to get the abortion, right? Kari: No. Me: So what was the appointment like? Kari: It was easy. It was like talking to a friend. They told me what to expect. That it might be emotionally challenging. They give you a survey to fill to see if you’re mentally capable of having the abortion. Me: Did they mention options? Kari: They do it in the paperwork and the they ask you like “are you aware of options/do you know what your options are” “are you sure this is something you want to do” The location I went to they made it really comforting. Me: Which location did you go to? Kari: It was in Whittier. Me: How was walking in? Were there “pro life” protestors or anything? Kari: No there... at the time, it was last year so it was just before the current political climate. Me: Did you feel pressure to make a decision to get an abortion from anyone? Kari: No. And that is actually something that planned parenthood really questioned me hard about it. Like “is this your decision”  “are you sure you’re making this for you” with no pressure from family or friends. Me: Essentially I believe that they [Planned Parenthood] doesn't want women to do things they don’t want to do... against their will. Kari: Right! Me: What was the process of the abortion like? Kari: It was the most traumatic and painful thing I've ever gone through in my entire life which will change when I give birth haha. I didn’t expect it to be like that and it’s different for everyone and there are two ways to have an abortion you could go to a place like planned parenthood and they’ll do it for you or you could have the pill. I thought the pill would be easier. To go home and do it on my own terms. I kind of knew what to expect but I think for me it was a little different. I was alone and I took the two pills they gave me. You put them inside your cheeks and as they start dissolving you start to feel your uterus contract. Within I think 10-15 minutes I started to feel the contractions. It was super uncomfortable but I was riding it out. After the contractions, it feels like you have to take a shit. So I'm in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, calling Ryan, feeling like I’m going to black out from the pain, and I'm just grasping onto the sink not knowing what’s happening inside my body. After about an hour, it passes. I look in the toilet to see it pass and there’s blood. A blob of blood. I felt pain after for a couple days and bled for about a week and that was it.. Me: And that was it? Kari: Yeah hahaha it wasn’t like a baby coming out screaming. It was a blob. Me: And this was how far into your pregnancy? Kari: So this was about 6 and a half weeks I think. Me: What do you think the other option would have looked like getting it done at Planned Parenthood? Kari: I heard it’s easier that way and I'm keeping that in mind *laughs* I think it’s quicker, easier and less painful if there’s anyone struggling with how to go about it. Me: And it’s still a blob so planned parenthood isn’t selling fetus’ *laughing*? Kari: It’s not even a baby.. you can’t even call it a fetus at that point.   Me: So what’s your definition of life... where life starts? Kari: For me.. your life begins when you’re born. That’s not to say, speaking for someone who’s 32 weeks now, I have an emotional attachment to the fetus in my belly now. I think of her and have an attachment to her as if she were actually here.. that’s saying at 32 weeks... at 9, 10 weeks. Where the baby is, developmentally - I didn’t have an attachment at that point [in the current pregnancy]


Me:

What was your initial reaction to current pregnancy?

Kari: I was shocked... this happened about 7 months after my abortion. So this wasn't something that I planned, when it happened I had completely different feelings about it. I was excited and scared and nervous but I wanted to go through with it. Ryan and I talked about options and how we felt about it the first time comparing to now. Things felt different for us. We felt more positive about it then the first time around. I felt right. I felt support. Me: Do you ever think now about what it would have been like had you gone through with your first pregnancy? Kari: The thought has crossed my mind but to be honest I haven’t put too much thought into it.. I let that part of my life go.

Me: How are you handling health services now for your pregnancy? Kari: California is a REALLY good state to be pregnant in. They pretty much provide everything you need from the moment you get pregnant to a few years after you have the baby. I went to a clinic in Long Beach when I first got pregnant and they helped me with all the testing and proof of pregnancy, ultrasound. Me: Do you feel like you could have afforded health care as a pregnant woman without help from the state? Kari: No.. no, definitely not. Being pregnant is expensive! When I hear of all the things my friends in Michigan have to pay for.... Through MediCal I don’t have to pay for any of that. So it’s a great help. Me: What’re your feelings on the current political/social climate... specifically with Trump being elected president. As a woman, as a mother to be, as someone who will be having a daughter, what're your concerns? Kari: It’s terrifying. It’s scary to think that everything I have available to me now could/would be taken away from me. I would be more scared if I just found out now that I was pregnant. I feel that things would be a lot different for me through out my pregnancy. Thinking of the aspect of raising a little girl, was terrifying, but now I’m looking at it more as an opportunity to raise a strong independent girl to be a strong independent woman. I don't think I would consider putting as much emphasis on certain subjects with her when she comes to be a strong empowered feminist woman. I’ll get to show her everything that is happening now and what we’re going through and what this all means. She’ll have more of an open mind than I did growing up and in Michigan. More of an open mind than even we did. Me: Do you consider yourself a feminist?

Kari: 100% Me: And a feminist... there are a lot of variations, and some very demeaning definitions of feminism. I think Kellyanne Conway had described feminism as “man-hating”, obviously you don't hate men because you’re engaged to one. So you’re definition of feminism is what? Kari: Right I think a huge part of feminism is empowering women. Or even empowering men to empower women and showing them that feminism isn’t about bashing and hating men. Me: Do you feel like Ryan is a feminist? Kari: 100%... let’s call him in... I don’t know if he defines himself as a feminist.. I know he is. I would say he strongly supports feminism and supports women. Me: Let’s call him in *screams his name from the other room* do you have a minute to answer a few questions? Kari: Come into our office (the baby’s room).

*Ryan has a look on his face like he might be in trouble, I explain to him what we’re doing, what this project is about and that we’d like to get his input*

Me: Me and Kari were just talking about feminism and I was wondering if you would consider yourself a feminist. Ryan: I grew up with women my whole life. I love women. Without women I wouldn’t be where I am today. Me: So what’s your definition of a “feminist”? Ryan: Someone that supports women’s rights to equal treatment. That sees a difference of how women are treated in this world. And that believe it should be equal. I think that women are just as powerful as any man. Me: Are you excited to have a little girl? Are you nervous about having a girl in the current political climate? Ryan: Yeah... I think it’s crazy that it’s ok to mistreat women and that the mistreatment is overlooked. Like “oh, its ok” Me: Mistreat women as far as like what? Ryan: In any way shape or form. It happens in ways that I'm sure a lot of us don’t even see.. our president is allowed to disrespect women. Grabbing a woman by the pussy. He’s an asshole, it’s not ok and it’s not ok that it’s overlooked. Me: What are your thoughts on Kellyanne Conway being a woman who’s run his campaign, and being the first woman to run a successful presidential campaign despite the fact that she was adamantly against Trump when she was running Ted Cruz’ campaign. Ryan: I think it’s cool that a woman did something like that but - Kari: She doesn’t stand for women she doesn't care about women. Ryan: She seems like an opportunist. Kari: She’s just following whatever’s going to win... she’s doing it more for the fame.

Me: What would your advice be to anyone getting an abortion or thinking about getting an abortion or anyone who has gotten one and is feeling shame for it or women who have to deal with pressure about it and protestors in front of a sacred space like Planned Parenthood? Kari: I think they should take it as a chance to stand up for themselves and voice the way that they're feeling and try not to feel pressure to back down or do something that they don’t want to do because of what other people are telling them. And that goes for everything in life. If you feel a certain way, and feel strongly about doing something, and you don’t feel like something is going to impact you in a positive way you shouldn’t do it. No matter what anyone else says. It’s so important when you’re talking about bringing a child into the world. If you don’t feel capable, you’re not going to be. You could be setting up a hard life for yourself and for that kid and it’s not fair to anyone. Me: So obviously the decision to keep the baby or not is the woman’s on her own. Either with herself fully or her doctor or therapist or religious consultant or family, but it’s ultimately her decision. Sometimes there’s a situation where you’re late term and there’s a very high chance that there won’t be a successful childbirth, stillborn. So this pro lifer I was talking to said a chance needs to be given. Because that’s where they're coming from despite the fact that, worst case scenario a doctor says you or your child or both will die if you go through with this. What are your thoughts on pro lifers saying despite the risks to still say it’s a woman’s responsibility to take that risk? Kari: I think everyone should put themselves in other people’s shoes... Me: Right and these are women holding other women to expectations even though the risk is there. Kari: I think it’s ultimately the woman’s decision if that’s a risk she’s willing to take. It’s easier to have less pressure to know that you are the decision maker whether or not you want to take that risk. Everything I read about late term abortions... it seems a lot of people are ignorant on the subject. It seems they think a woman just decides later on that she doesn’t want it and it’s so not true. It’s usually a high risk of something wrong. A life is at risk. I just read an article about a woman who was pregnant with twins and I think she got to 30 weeks and they found out one of the baby’s brain matter was leaking out of it’s head. And basically it would have been born a vegetable. They were dealing with what the consequences would be... considering still having the child. Came to the realization that it was affecting the other baby in the womb, and putting that life at risk. And the chances of them both not surviving the pregnancy was getting higher and higher. So they gave her the option to abort the one to save the life of the other. So ultimately that “late term abortion” saved the life of the other baby. I think pro lifers need to look at different aspects and situations where that’s happening. Me: Do you think you’ll have more kids? Kari: Yeah... Eventually… Thinking about that right now is so scary and crazy. This pregnancy has been a bit of a struggle, but it’s made me a stronger person, and more of an adult. It’s made me realize my strengths. It challenges me in ways I've never been challenged before and I know motherhood will do the same thing.. it’ll all be worth it. Me: Are you excited to be a mother? Kari: I am... I'm getting emotional right now. Probably because I'm so hormonal haha. I don’t know why I'm crying. Me: What do you notice is the biggest difference is between finding out about your last pregnancy and this one? Kari: It’s crazy... in such a short amount of time to feel such an immense change in myself and a difference in even my relationship with Ryan. My relationship with myself. Feeling more mentally positive. I think being in the right state of mind is such a huge HUGE factor. Me: Right - the first time around you were partying, like, a shit ton. Kari: I was! Me: You said earlier you’ll keep in mind the other way to go about having an abortion.. at the clinic... Kari: You never know what life is going to throw at you. I can’t tell the future. I can’t say whether or not I'll have children in the future. Whether or not I'll come up pregnant and not be at a stable position. I don't think being in the position I'm in now that that would happen. If I was pregnant I would probably go through with it because we want more kids but I don’t know where I'll be in a year or two.. who knows. I could get raped and I would never have a child under that circumstance. It’d be a living everyday reminder. Me: if there’s one thing you could say to like every pro-lifer, what would it be? Kari: Fuck... that’s hard haha. I feel like there’s SO much. So many things are running through my head that I'm almost speechless... it’s just mind-boggling that at this point people still have such an opinion. It’s become such a controversy. Especially with Trump threatening to take so many things away… Me: Like what? Kari: Basic healthcare for women. Me: Back to the statement you would give - What would you want them to hear based of your own experience? I’m sure that there are some people that would have formed an opinion on you based off being a young tattooed woman.. living in Los Angeles getting an abortion and getting pregnant again. Kari: To judge a book by it’s cover is one thing. And then to try and force your beliefs into someone else’s life, is another thing. I don't think it’s fair. They don’t know what my personal experiences are, they don’t know what I'm capable or not capable of. If I'm even in the right state of mind to raise or have a child. I just think they should put themselves in our position and think about even if I did have a kid and put them up for adoption, what would that kid’s life be in the future? At that point, do they care about it then? Are they voting for welfare of them then? Or do they want to dial that back as well? I think there’s just so much to be said. There are a lot of ignorant people, men especially, that have an opinion on something they could never understand because they’ll never experience it. They’ll never go through what we go through, what we’ve gone through and they should respect that. And not try to force anything on to us.