drunkenough2write

[drunkenough2write]

under - caffeinated @ 1:19 pm

Your girlfriend added me on snap a week or so ago, the other night i was on and i saw she had blocked me - and you had blocked me (im guessing on everything) Anish said she mightve done it, but i feel like 1. you would have noticed if she did and 2. i just have a feeling it wasnt her. maybe im supposed to cut you out of my world too. stop checking you Tik tok for new posts, unadd all your friends on snap and insta, delete the hundreds of pictures. i dont know. i think about you every minute of everyday, its almost exhausting thinking about you so much so often. but thats probably because youve been traveling through my brain every 60 seconds for the past 2 years, and more so the past 5 months. i dont know what to feel or think. i dont know. maybe i say goodbye and put my everything into aj? i mean thats what youre doing isnt it?

[drunkenough2write]

Sober @ 2:35 am

I am so unhappy.

[drunkenough2write]

Over Caffeinated @ 11:20

I found a post on tiktok about the first time you realized someone loved you, i commented on it, talking about that day we first kissed, before the kiss when we were sitting in front of starbucks sitting in those chairs and you gave me that look. Maybe you give all the girls that look, maybe im not as special as you’ve told me. i guess thats okay, it doesnt change anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about our past, about our memories, about that first day i met you ( i blame the guy from the bar) Im thinking about those texts, tango and the moment i realized i wasnt going to hate you or create angry sexual tension. i remember going to the movies and you laying your hand on my thigh and me wondering if i should hold your hand and i remember you looking at me and i remember walking around with your arm around me and the cheesy moment that led up to our first kiss and i would do anything to go back to that day. anything. so much has changed since then, everything has changed.

[drunkenough2write]

Drinking but not drunk @ 2:41

I’m with you right now. I’m sitting at the bar at bourbon jacks w tater tots and a drink you’re a bit too good at making and this is so hard. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I can’t tell you. Maybe I can. But maybe I shouldn’t. I made plans and it feels like I’m making plans. I don’t fucking know. I just know it’s there. Fuck.

[drunkenough2write]

Caffeinated @ 2:22 pm

So i keep getting these bullshit tarot card reads on tiktok because apparently its a sign from the wind or some shit and the most annoying part is that theyre more accurate than i can even begin to explain or understand and at first i thought it was because theyre just vague enough to fit everyone, until they started to depict my life and my feelings in the most accurate way possible and its always about you. I mean to be fair pretty much everything in my head is about you. i constantly wonder what you would think of what i did to my hair or the fact that im just altering my appearnace ever so slightly and how you would react if you saw or knew i plan on getting my M tattoo this weekend. And before you ask, no its not just an M, its something else. I love you. I havent said it in a while, not to you, not to me, but i fucking Love you bugs.

[drunkenough2write]

Tired @ 3:18

You blocked me on tumblr, little do you know i have like a billion social media accounts on every form of social media. i cant tell if we are both trying to convince the other person we are fine when we arent or what. ive gone back and forth on how to be with you, in every aspect. I even broke up with Aj today. I snapchatted you, i wasn’t going to tell you i had ended things, i just wanted to talk and i dont know how fair of me it would be if i just told you while you were still in a relationship. Im not talking to him for a few days, i have to eventually because i have all of his shit in my room but he doesnt get back until Friday so, i dont know. Its been 4 hours since i sent the snap to you, you opened it and didnt respond, maybe you were with her or it was to impersonal or you just dont want to deal with it. thats fine. as you know i take everything like 9 levels too deep, and ive been thinking about what i do if the time comes that things arent complicated and i just choose you. I mean, do i tell you if youre still with her? thats number 1. uhm number 2. do i make a big deal out of it? do i do the dramatic re entrance ive only dreamed about? or do i wait until youre single again (if that happens) and just slowly creep back in? i dont have any answers and im not sure im ready to have answers yet either... im coming to Arizona this weekend, but im still not going to message you first.. 

[drunkenough2write]

Caffeinated @ 10:45 am

I’ve forgotten what it is to write. I’ve forgotten everything it means to me to put my soul on a page, to express my feelings with a jumble of letters that may only make sense in my mind. i havent even read my old stuff, the prose written about your eyes, or the way you felt like home. ive strayed from the letters written to ex lovers and ghosts of my pasts and instead focused on how much i want tro drown in a bathtub of bleach (healthy i know). i had a dream last night, im not totally sure what the dream was about except that at one point someone was cutting open my skull and i was awake for all of it. im not sure what that means, ive tried looking it up and havent really found anything that describes my dream. But its got me thinking, about my head and where its been these last few months. its got me thinking about our constant spiral, our back and forth, our blessing and our curse. its got me thinking about our personas, bugs and lola, devil and angel, you know, i think they’re changing, i mean, you’ll always be the bugs to my lola, but maybe im the devil and youre the angel? i mean who’s to say angels are happy little bimbos with daddy issues & stupid boys pretending to love them and not deep, long haired boys with slight parent issues and dark music taste? now dont hold me too those facts because theyre being used for lack of better words or ideas, we can call it a lack of creativity on my part. For the past 2 years i feel like ive been running from person to person doing my best to keep everyone happy, all for just seconds of my own happiness. i still cant answer who made me happier during those 7 months, Ronnie was the dream boat, made me laugh, chose to be my best friend before anything else, you were something entirely different you were passion, secret, all of the love my heart could hold in the form of a 6 foot long haired boy that listened to a lot of sad boy music. he made me smile and laugh, you? you made my heart feel complete and safe and everything. and then i left and you and i slowly grew apart for a little while and as soon as WE resurfaced, i had been whipped away by another good intention-ed boy. Ive spent the last few months wondering what it meant, what it would be like if you and i one day worked, if i stopped hiding and finally chose you. and truth is? i want too, i just... cant.not yet. 

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 10:15 am

So I logged back into my OG tumblr and sent you a message. I also posted something a few days ago but the chance that you’re completely done with me is pretty strong. I’m still getting my Michael tattoo. I figured out what I want. I’d like to get it in your handwriting but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.. I have a few place options for it. Inner lip, ribs, inside area of my arm by my elbow, on my ass lol. Haven’t really decided. But I have time. I’m driving to Arizona tomorrow. I’d do just about anything to see you, well except text you I guess. I don’t want to hurt how you see me more than I already have.. I don’t know. I’ve been writing. Not the kind of stuff I usually write, not the pathetic need for love stuff, I’ve been writing the thing I had always talked about writing. About how guys have changed me and my life. I was just gonna do it randomly but I started at my 1st grade crush, I’ve only gotten to 7th grade so so far each one is no longer than a page, if even. Except for my parents story. I’m nervous for when I get to senior year and especially that first year of college and last year. I’ll probably run out of notebook at some point. Especially when it comes to you and I and our past. I’m excited to relive it. It’s weird when I write about my past and re live all the suppressed memories. Like writing about my 5th grade boyfriend had me heated yesterday not gonna lie lmao. It’s weird to look back and realize how wrong I was about people. How obvious it was the certain people liked me or didn’t like me at all. It’s weird to see how toxic some people were and how toxic I was with others. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:12 am

i had a rough night last night. You broke down every wall i had built up to keep my feelings out and i had to rebuild overnight. well i guess im still building now, just more of a fighting with my boyfriend rebuild than anything. im doing that girl thing when you get  sad so you change the way you look ive done my eyebrow slit, next is hair, then tooth gem, nails, if only getting tan could happen overnight. maybe this weekend.. it was easier before talking to you. Because i had a goal, and a connection to what mattered to me. Talking to you and realizing you saw me as the bad guy, you were mad at me, you hated me... it changed things..i try to listen to what you used to say, all the promises of forever love, but what if those are just words? maybe its always just been words, youve never taken any action to convince me otherwise

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 2:09 pm

Ive been diving into the idea of death.. thats not your fault or anyone elses, and if by some chance you ever see this, i didnt text you because well in realistic senses - i deleted your number and im pretty sure you dont want me around anyways... but also in the less numb sense of things, 

[drunkenough2write]

Tipsy at 6:41

I don’t think I can write to you anymore. I don’t know. I convinced myself I had gone numb. I flipped a switch and Ronnie stopped meaning anything to me, I could still put on a show for AJ so he didn’t feel unloved but I didn’t care about Bobby or John or reese or anyone or anything. I just went about things without feeling anything. But the brief moments where I couldn’t just “turn it off” I thought of you. I bought a necklace and I thought about what I’d say if I saw you and I imagined what I’d do if and when I chose you. But today showed me that You see me as the bad guy. I’m the girl that broke your heart. I’m the girls that fucked everything up, including you. I’m the girl you don’t want to love anymore. Maybe I’m the girl you don’t love anymore. You don’t trust me, you don’t want me, I’m not worth it.

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 4:21 pm

You just texted me for the first time in 17 days. I only know the days because you liked one of my posts 17 days ago on my main tumblr. I ordered you something like a week ago and I’ve been waiting for it to get there, waiting to see if you’d know it was me. I know, that was stupid. You texted me asking if I sent you something off amazon, I said it was from like a month ago and that it probably wasn’t great. Which I guess was only a half lie. It probably isn’t great. You’ll probably either throw it out or throw it in a drawer or something. I don’t know. I told you I’m pathetic. And that’s not even the half of it. But when I act pathetic I cause problems and I don’t want to cause problems for you anymore. And now we’re seeing that it shows you when it is ordered which is awesome. So you caught my lie. Truth is I was sitting in the park in shorts and a bra that thankfully resembles a swimsuit and I don’t even know what I was doing, all I knew was that I couldn’t get you out of my head and I needed to try and release some of that stuff in my head and my heart and I didn’t think you would text me, honestly, I figured you’d think it was from someone else or just ignore it entirely and I was prepared for that but yeah, I don’t know, I didn’t do it to cause anything. But you think I did so I’m the bad guy I’m your eyes too. Guess I’ll just add your name to the list.

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?

[drunkenough2write]

Sober

Im sober enough to consider deleting this. I guess im in fear of someone finding it, however, just like you ive made it close to impossible... i dont follow my accounts or well anyone. now its just a place to write. No hastags or pictures or anything so cant find me through that, not yet at least. I get why you would have instagrams and twitters to just put your shit out there, im sorry i ruined it... i was just obsessed with the depths of your mind. i shouldve thought it through, been more accepting of privacy.... i still havent really gotten ahold of that ability yet. i bought you something, its supposed to get to your house in a couple days, im sure you’ll guess its from me - im realizing im kind of transparent - but if not, hopefully you dont see this, and hopefully you dont say anything to your girlfriend, that could be bad or weird. i dont know. i just know i miss you, but im not going to text you, because im still stuck on the way i am with you, even when im angry at the rest of the world, even when i numb myself out, youre my weakness. i really miss my family. i really miss Arizona and late night drives on the 101 and the heat seeping into my room and walking through the neighborhoods at night to the park and wondering when id feel like i was finally coming back from the dead. there is so much you know about me, and so much you dont. that goes for me about you too. sometimes i feel like we are the same person, two halves of a whole, and sometimes i feel like ive never met you before. If im being honest its mostly the first one, but i havent really figured out what that means yet 

[drunkenough2write]

I guess I’m drunk enough to write...

Or maybe just drunk enough to not care what anyone else thinks... its an easily debated situation. Or whatever. I can already tell this is gonna be rough, holy shit. Ive hit one of my rough patches. Its one of those things where i debate how many people would care if i was dead and come up with a shorter list than usual, which i guess makes it easier to think about. Ive thought about my list a lot over the years. When i was 13 my biggest concern was my friends, how they’d react, how stable they were mentally, unfortunately I’m only “friends” with one person from back then, and even calling us friends can be a bit of a stretch sometimes, I don’t know. I cared about other people when i was 15, my boyfriend at the time, my pregnant mother and again a few friends, family of course. When i was 17 it was a whole other thing, i had more friends and they were more real than friends i had had before.. plus i was a big sister, supposedly a role model, I couldn’t take that away from her. Then i was 19, life was a little more bleak, a little more lonely, my best friends were other gone or no longer my best friends anymore and i was instead surrounded by fake friends, but there was still my sister, plus a slew of random boys who thought they loved me, then there were the two boys i loved, one would do fine with or without me, the other? I don’t know, he’d be broken for a little while.. and now I’m 21. And I don’t really have any friends, well, a couple - and they mean the world to me, plus my sisters almost 6 and her love for me seems to have grown more than i had anticipated it ever would, the love and respect i have for my mom has flourished greatly, even if she does still bug the shit out of me and i got one of those best friends back, plus one of those boys from when i was 19 is still around, and there’s a new boy, although he’d probably want to be called a man.. I don’t know my outlook on family isn’t great right now and I don’t feel like i have any friends so my list seems short, not transparent but pretty close to it... i think about death more than i am allowed to tell other people (if you cant keep promises to yourself you cant keep promises to anyone) and I know the chances of life getting better aren’t far off, but they feel an eternity away. And honestly.. it just feels like I’m about to fuck up again. And i cant. I just cant