dsm5nymph

[dsm5nymph]

[dsm5nymph]

Life update/vent sesh

(TW:// SH/Ed mention)

Well recently, I relapsed. looking back on things, the warning signs were there. i had been struggling for literal weeks.... for context, in 2022, i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 w/psychotic features . ive been unmedicated due to the fact that my doc (shes not there anymore) pushed "designer drugs" (medication w/o a generic version and are expensive af) on me and they had very unpleasant side effects. I found other ways to cope since then.

this past week, I got inside my head again. drinking and eventually having a mental breakdown while my boyfriend was at work. ended up sh'ing after almost 6 months. it was too deep this time. i was scared. i called and texted him while he zoomed home. we got a shit ton of medical supplies... as of today, shes almost fully healed. but looking back on that night... even though I wanted to die, seeing that deep of a wound was so scary to me. thats whats inside my arm? fatty tissue.. did i actually want to die in that moment or did I want to feel alive for once..?

my days are repetitive. wake up, be a retail npc for 8+ hours, go home, sleep. on my off days, i dont leave the house. however, a close friend of mine visited that same week and we caught up after 5 years. I missed him so much.. I felt somewhat alive in that one moment. he's always been a breath of fresh air. but that Sunday, everything came crashing down. disassociation didnt work anymore.. all the trauma, feeling trapped in this massive flesh pile that I call my body, and unhinged emotional state just weighed me down. I wanted my boyfriend to find me lifeless on the bedroom floor. i didnt even think to write a note. but he knew how unstable I was.. Ive always felt comfort in my misery. but after everything that night, im disgusted by it.

i have a long ways to go before I'm better than I was. however, I got insurance finally and it goes into effect on july 1st! then therapy, medication and reduced hours at work c':

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Real shit

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"What that mouth do?" Go nonverbal.

[dsm5nymph]

— Franz Kafka, from Letters to Felice (via lunamonchtuna)

[dsm5nymph]

being ana is so funny like bitch why the fuck am I having a panic attack about the calories of a veggie burger

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[dsm5nymph]

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[dsm5nymph]

♡Pretty When You Cry♡

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