dumbbitchdoestwitch

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

gonna go ahead and start doing this

I moved out of the US a few months ago.

Not specifically because of the current political climate (I'm incredibly privileged to be a cis-white-straight-presenting woman so I can hide in plain sight for the most part as long as no one asks for ID), but it certainly helped make the move feel easier. I moved for a ton of reasons that were largely personal, but it all boiled down to: a bitch can't heal if she's always on fire. So now I'm watching my friends and family on fire from very far away, and I have a touch of survivor's guilt despite the fact that they're all safe (currently). This isn't a post about that though, just felt like I needed to acknowledge that I'm starting regular blogging probably because I'm feeling guilty, lonely, out of place or some combination of those. Totally great reason to talk shit about things, right?

I'm nearly a third of the way through my MSc program in the UK and one thing is abundantly clear - group projects suck more than a nun's bunghole. I'd even argue that they suck even more with the advent of widely accessible AI. Now I won't get into the objective downsides and problems with AI or my own personal moral qualms with the way the models are built and trained, but I will say that people use it as a damn crutch and it's annoying.

AI can be such an interesting tool if used correctly and, with how ubiquitous it's becoming, it's important to understand what role it plays in the future of any industry. You wanna know what it's not though? A replacement for doing actual fucking work. Like, genuinely, this group project is not particularly difficult in terms of the requirements themselves, but the group work aspect has made it damn near impossible. "Oh well, Tabi, being able to work in a group means that..." Oh shut your trap, imaginary well-meaning internet stranger. It's gotten to the point where one of these people is about as useful as tits on a mouse and my grade (& consequently my visa) is tied to that person.

So yeah I'm going to talk shit. A lot.

Now, my personal use of AI is limited to asking it to tell me how in the hell to use a machine at the gym or what a tool I've been using to pry open a busted utility door is actually for, so I'm no master prompt-writer. I know there are people who can wordsmith their way into some pretty awesome shortcuts and genuinely useful things, but, at the very least, I think I have a lot of learning to do before I can even consider using AI to help me out (and that doesn't even account for my moral qualms).

I'd like to point out that Mr. TitMouse is definitely not one of those legendary AI gurus. He brings AI-generated work to group meetings that's so generic I'm surprised Walmart hasn't found a way to sue him. It's like he gave the poor AI a two-word prompt and then expected a persuasive dissertation. I can just picture our poor, budding robot overlord asking for a hammer to use, getting a Fisher Price tool set instead, but still doing their best to build what they were asked for.

All that to say: if you're going to do something bad, at least be the best at it. I've spent a few too many drives home ranting about how if he didn't want to work, he could use AI in much smarter ways, but nope this guy would rather do absolutely nothing and then try to mansplain the process to anyone who will listen. I was pleasantly surprised when he offered to do actual work last week, but, upon actually looking at the "work" today, he's basically disregarding everything the group had agreed upon and using his own, barely-formed-enough-to-call-generic drafts to create the least functional thing I've ever seen. I know the other group members are trying but this guy is really dragging everyone down. I'm a glutton for punishment though, so I'm going to let him do his thing, make my own in the background and test both out in the wild to see which people prefer. Is it technically more work? yes. Will it technically save me having to deal with this actual man-child as much? also yes. Will I get a small amount of joy from showing the tutors how absolutely BS everything he's done is? big yes. Maybe I'll even hide a little drawing of tits on a mouse in the final product! Who doesn't love a little easter egg 🤭

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

TIL knock-off furby goo would taste like a push-pop

I recently had surgery, so I have way too much extra time on my hands. With that in mind, I have fallen down a rabbit hole of unhinged smut. We've gone beyond monster fucking and have somehow landed in a sea of objects I've never been attracted to in my life. In the interest of keeping things simple, I'll split this curse into posts by author, starting with Nicole Parker. Now there are 4 novelas slated to be in this series of short, paranormal romance stories with only 2 having been published at the time of writing. These absolute gems are part of the "kyleverse" which essentially is a universe that includes Kyle. He's not the main character just a very horny and nonjudgmental buddy who helps things along.

RAKE:

The first story in the series, Rake, features a guy who cheats on a witch with the witch's sister and, as punishment, is turned into a garden utensil. He then randomly appears in a woman's garage as a rake and with the help of her fwb (Kyle), realizes he has found the love of his life after hearing her come. As much as my little ace heart enjoys a love story, I honestly would've preferred if our rake stayed a rake if only to avoid the true love cliche. Other than that, I found the BDSM elements fun, but did run into some things that absolutely wrecked my immersion. One being some minor grammar errors here and there and the second, actually important issue being that our rake lover is, presumably, a wooden-handled rake. This is based purely off the cover art and it's not explicitly stated in the story, but I really couldn't get past the coochie splinters. However, coming in at ~35 pages on my e-reader, it's not like this is a huge time commitment. If you're looking for a wham, bam, thank you ma'am with a sweet, horny ending, this may be the smut for you.

FAULTY:

The second story in the series features a knock-off furby (flurbo), who's hornier than any toy I've ever heard of in my life. We open with our fmc wanting to buy a flurbo from a mysterious, attractive shop keep. The full-price ones are a bit expensive for a trinket, so our shop keep recommends buying a "faulty" model. I would like to point out now that the flurbo is described as having coral fur and teal eyelids. So in my mind, this is what that little fucker looks like:

Once our fmc gets the flurbo home and pops some batteries in, we find that it doesn't seem to be faulty. Until our fmc goes to sleep and that freaky little fucker wakes her up standing at the foot of her bed. Oh, and did I mention the flurbo is now SEVEN FEET TALL?? Well, he is! FMC freaks TF out (understandably) and flurbo returns to normal size leaving our fmc to think it was just a wild dream. Until the next night when flurbo and our fmc get a little freaky (turns out that beak buzzes). Disappointingly, our fmc can only fully understand the flurbo when he's in his late night giant horny form, so she gets off but gets no plot info for us.

Following their late night "tickle session", our fmc feels inclined to share what she's been up to with her coworker: Kyle. Kyle, being our weirdly supportive acquaintance for the story, offers to stay over night so our fmc will have someone there to remind her to ask the flurbo how all of this works. You know since flurbo hits it so good our fmc forgets the important stuff. Like clockwork, flurbo comes to bed, we get a tiny bit of info about how to control flurbo's size and then flurbo absolutely rails our fmc with his flurbo cock that rolls out from his battery compartment? Kyle watches and has a grand time by himself, helps clean up our fmc and tastes the flurbo jizz which is when we learn that the neon orange fluid tastes like a push pop. That's also when I got very concerned for our fmc's pH levels.

The next morning, the 3 have an unhinged threesome while our fmc is partially bound. As weird as the whole thing is, I do have to give the author points for 1. having Kyle implement a safe signal (we love proper BDSM rep!) & 2. mentioning Kyle's condom usage (we love safe sex!) & 3. Kyle giving aftercare since flurbo kinda can't do anything except stand in a corner all creepy after.

While neither of these stories made me want to fuck anything, let alone these specific, usually inanimate objects, I will say that they accomplish being quick and dirty short stories about weird sex with a side of kink.

Both are well-written in terms of technical skill although there's a clear improvement going from Rake to Faulty in terms of pacing, structure and form. I would give Rake a 1.5 stars out of 5 (mainly because the coochie splinter thought is unforgivable) and Faulty gets 3 starts out of 5.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

fun fact if your breasts¹ are somewhere between a 36C-36D² then they weight³ about the same as your brain⁴

if you're above a D-cup⁵ you've probably got more boob than brain⁶

1. Both breasts combined. 2. UK and US bras are the same at this cup size. 3. Sourced from this blog post; a different source was found but excluded as it didn't account for band size. If you have a better referenced source let me know. 4. An adult human brain weighs ~1.3kg (2.8lb). 5. A 36D cup, or sister size (40B, 38C, 34E, 32F, etc) 6. Both breasts combined. A single 36G/H cup breast is about brain-sized.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

*violently taps screen*

LET ME REBLOG IT!!!

Anyways I’d like to cite Mads Mikkelsen having to fight himself from kissing Hugh Dancy at the end of Hannibal.

King shit right there.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

Not ma people know that theres actually a third act in ITW, which is kind of like the underwater level of EVERY VIDEO GAME EVER, and Milky White is a jelly fish and everyone is on acid … it’s Hair, the third act is  Hair.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

would die for this fish lookin' weirdo

My records of Morels: The Hunt are largely uneventful, on account of how its a mushroom hunting simulator. But I did find the star of the whole game.

Meet Whiskers

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

We came, we saw & now there's a baby

Let me start by saying the post is brought to you by my current fever and my latest dose of robitussin. We're gonna talk about monster cock again but significantly less because tbh there was a lot less of it in the second Opal Reyne book. Spoilers ahead~

This is a long one and I don't have enough steam to shorten it soo strap in!

The second book is called A Soul to Heal (ASH) and I liked it - in some ways more than A Soul to Keep (ASK) and in other ways, a lot less. First of all, ASH has soooo much lore! Which is freaking amazing! I love it! Give me ALL the lore!!! I'll take it any way I can get it every day and twice on Sundays.

It's definitely still a horny book too but with a lot less pay off. Realistically, we have a ton of sexual tension and only a little bit of monster fucking. Part of that is by necessity for the characters & some of it feels like it’s to give room to explore a different dynamic.

In ASH, our characters have a very different situation than what we had in ASK. For one, our fmc, Delora, was tied up and tossed into the Veil as punishment for killing her husband and his mistress. Unfortunately, the mistress happened to be the mayor's daughter and the mayor felt he needed to use Delora as an example to solidify his power. Since Delora ended up in the Veil very much not by choice, she needed a bit more time to adjust to her relationship with a Duskwalker. Not that Reia had like the most choice either but slightly different than being tossed in, bound and gagged.

Anyhow so Delora falls into the Veil, lands on top of a Duskwalker just as that Duskwalker is wishing the perfect human for him would fall from the sky. The Duskwalker, who later is named Magnar by Delora, figures out how to heal Delora's injuries simply because he wants to learn something Orpheus doesn't know yet and because he finds Delora beautiful and wants her to be his bride. Once healed, Delora gives her soul to Magnar pretty much on the basis that she's going through some shit. She's sitting with a lot of self-loathing due to her recent double homicide and figures handing over her soul can't be any worse.

Just like Reia before her, once her soul is handed over, Delora becomes a creature in between life and death - a phantom. This enables her to have a physical form that bleeds and can die, a nonphysical form much like a ghost that can't be injured, and enables her to "respawn" on her Duskwalker in the event of death or if they are too far apart for over 24hrs. Regardless, after some run-ins with local demons, Magnar decides it would be best to move from his cave to the house he's been working on building. There, he has his personal protection ward covering the home and surrounding forests, and he can keep his precious bride, and her soul, safe.

The relationship in this one is a bit different because Magnar doesn't have as much humanity as Orpheus from the first book. Magnar is still very "green" to his urges and how to care for a human and communicate his needs and understand theirs. However, I will say their love is soft and tentative which was a beautiful contrast to their rough circumstances. I definitely preferred Orpheus but if you like cinnamon roll monsters who are absolute beasts in the sheets (err nest?), then Magnar might be more your speed.

For the monster fucking itself - it's a mixed bag. The scenes themselves are very well-crafted. That certainly remains constant. They're also very primal and passionate which is a nice contrast from the soft/tentative relationship we see during the day. The only one that rubbed me the wrong way (pun intended) was the first one. For me personally, that first steamy scene is a little rough because it feels like Delora may be taking advantage of Magar's naivety a bit. This thought is even brought up in Delora's perspective (because just like the first book - Reyne really tries to address everything). Later, we see this isn't really the case, but, initially, it feels conflicting. I will say that inner conflict is also a large part of the scene for Delora, so maybe it's a big plus that the emotion comes through so strongly. Take that as you will and definitely give it a read if you like your monster fucking to have ~layers~

Now, being unaware Magnar would need the knowledge so quickly (& because Magnar was hiding his bride on purpose), Orpheus failed to share the spell for preventing pregnancy. So as many such unprotected nights of passion before it, this one leads to a baby. As we learn from the Owl Witch (a guiding being for the Duskwalker's in both books), the pregnancy will be extremely fast and exceptionally difficult for Delora.

After a short, uncomfortable pregnancy, out comes baby Fyodor who immediately tries to eat Delora because they are, surprise, surprise, a baby Duskwalker. At this point, we learn very clearly that Duskwalkers are born without features, genderless, insatiably hungry, and very triggered by the scent of blood. Some of this information isn't new, but, with a partially human mother who just gave birth, it makes Fyodor very dangerous. There's a sizeable section after this that reads like a recounting of a kind of post-partum depression stemming from Delora's fear of her child and her rapid pregnancy, but, from there on, the majority of the story is about raising Fyodor and finding out where Duskwalkers come from.

I will say that throwing a baby in the mix is not my favorite way for a monster fucker book to turn, but it definitely did sate my need for more lore about this exceptionally built-out world. We learn so fucking much about the world as Delora and Magnar navigate it together, and it's absolutely a wonderful way to get a crash course of the world it all fits into.

I also deeply appreciate how much these books set each other up. It always feels so organic when they introduce the next Duskwalker, and I really can't wait to read the next one. I'd also like to add that it was also lovely to see Orpheus and Reia again - so gosh darn cute and in love, and to see Orpheus step into a big brother role for Magnar. So, if you like your monster fucking with a crap ton of lore, love watched a sweet, soft love grow and don't mind having a little bit of a slow burn while our mc's are raising Fyodor, I'd highly recommend diving into A Soul to Heal.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

just a lil guy meeting another less real lil guy 🥺

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

Cold evenings are for blankets, hot drinks, and reading books

Maybe a little snacky snack

Possibly a nap

But most importantly, it's for relaxing and escaping into the story

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

antiques roadshow guests will really say the most chilling sentences on live television and not realize they're creating 3 sentence horror stories.

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

[dumbbitchdoestwitch]

Cum for the monster, stay for the plot

I read monster fucker books - they're fun, they're interesting and usually, they're pretty hot. & It seems like a perfect first Tumblr post. Now I made it through Opal Reyne's A Soul to Keep and A Soul to Heal in under a week. I didn't mean to - I planned on reading them over a month or two to give myself a break from all the steam but I didn't do that. I stayed up late, reading it like a rabid horny little monster fucker, and then wandered through my day job a zombie hungry for more monster cock. All that to say - forgive me if I get bits and bobs from the 2 mixed up. Anyhow - spoilers & monster cock ahead so proceed with caution~

I tried writing this before and it got way too fucking long, so I'm going to try to keep it short. We'll start with the first book - A Soul to Keep. The first chunk of the book is massively background-heavy, but I actually like that. I love some plot & direction with my monster fucking but it is A Lot™️. If you like a book to get down and dirty fast, this one's not for you. This one is a heck of a slow burn and the first taste of the naughty you get is hot, magic baths. It takes much longer to get to our monster friend digging his claws into our female lead and magically rearranging her guts so that enormous monster cock actually fits.

Background-wise, the bare bones are that it's a strange, alternate reality where demons arrived on Earth through a portal sometime around the industrial revolution. The demons prevented humanity from progressing as it should have, so we have a weird mix of modern language in an almost hunter-gatherer time. Also important to note, the portal the demons came through is at the heart of the Veil, a pit in the woods that gives demons a place to lurk away from the sun. On to our characters...

So we have Reia whose family was murdered by demons & then the town labeled Reia a bad omen & ostracized her from her fellow townspeople (but like not really 'cause throwing her out of the town would let the demons eat her and get stronger so there's a lot of "we're afraid of you, don't dare look at us, but we're also gonna torment you a bit"). Anyway, having a young woman who you hate actually works out perfectly for this town because, as it turns out, once every 10 years a creature the humans call a Duskwalker comes to one of 3 villages and bestows a protective blessing in exchange for a "pure bride" (not like that tho).

Our Duskwalker goes by Orpheus and he's like 7ft tall with a wolf skull for a face, nothing but glow sticks behind it, and has exposed bones where his skin and fur haven't grown over them. As Orpheus brings Reia to his cabin in the Veil, a few things become apparent:

1) we're going to have to deal with a bit of secondhand embarrassment

2) Orpheus is a lonely pervert

Those two things can go either way depending on how you like your monsters. I didn't think I'd be able to get through the secondhand embarrassment, but Orpheus is such a giant cinnamon roll that I barely noticed it. It also really helps that anytime I had a concern about how stuff works, it got addressed a few lines down. It's just really well thought out like that.

As for the sex scenes, they felt kind of confusing at times because we're learning anatomy while we're going at it. Other than that though, the sheer passion and desire running rampant is delicious. So if you like well-built worlds with squishy cinnamon roll monsters (who really look like monsters and stay that way) with absolutely enormous cocks, I'd highly recommend A Soul to Keep.

Maybe some day I'll post the long as hell version of this with every little thought but today is not that day 💜