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e-spexially · 4 months ago

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Lorraine was shaking as she looked out the window of the old farm truck. There wasn’t any time to grab the SUV, which was a loss of its own.

“Do you think Jade is okay?” she asked. Shane stayed silent, white knuckling the wheel. He was bleeding from a gash in the bridge of his nose. It looked to be broken.

“Shane.”

“Quiet,” he said gruffly. “Let me think.”

The old vehicle didn’t have heating. The passenger side window was permanently stuck open just a crack. This along with the adrenaline had Lorraine crowding up next to him.

“We need to make sure everyone made it out.”

He scoffed, muttering something under his breath.

“You think they’re out lookin’ for us?”

Lorraine sniffled, the cold making her nose drip.

“Don’t be a dick, Shane, turn the car around.”

“Nah, you and I—“ he said, his voice becoming unsteady. “You and I, we’re goin’ to Fort Benning. What we should have done a long time ago.”

“What?” Lorraine pulled back a bit to look at him. Her dark eyes searched his face. “No! No, fuck you, I’m not going to Fort Benning, Jade is still out there!”

“And if she’s smart, she’ll head the same way and you’ll see her there.”

Lorraine gathered her backpack and moved to the door. The man in the driver’s seat was quick to grab her arm and yank her back.

“The hell are you doing?”

“Stop the car.”

“You stop this, I’m not in the mood.”

She yanked her arm from his grasp and managed to get the door open. Her body had barely made it halfway out when he slammed on the breaks, throwing her out onto the street.

Her palms were scuffed up from the gravel and her knees burned. Shane swore and put the truck in park, exiting the drivers side. Lorraine tried to get to her feet before he could stop her, but for once, he was faster.

“Get up,” he gritted out as he yanked her up by her arm.

“Let me go!”

He grabbed her and shoved her back into the truck.

“The hell you wanna go back for, hm?” She tried to fight him as he forced her seatbelt on, pulling it too tight. “It’s gone, all of it.”

She was crying now, thinking of her brave friend. Could she have made it out? Please, God, please.

“I should have stayed with her, I shouldn’t have left.”

“Well, you did! And you’re just gonna have to start makin’ your peace with it because I am not turning back, I’m not chasin’ any more ghosts. Fuck that.”

Lorraine dug the heels of her hands against her eyes, sobbing harder. What was there left to say? He slammed the door hard enough that the sound hurt her ears. She felt him get in on the other side, but she didn’t dare look at him. Based on the silence, he was trying to calm himself down.

Finally, two arms wrapped around her.

“Alright,” he said roughly. “Alright, m’sorry. But you gotta understand.”

Lorraine let herself be held by him, nestling her head against his chest to stay warm.

“I can’t just leave her out here.”

“She’s got Daryl,” muttered Shane, not sure if he believed himself. “He’ll look after her.”

“Yeah.”

“Look, let me get you south. Once we’re settled, if you still wanna take a vehicle and get back out here, I won’t stop you.” He said this, but he knew it wasn’t true. He knew that once he got her to Fort Benning, he’d be damned if he let her leave. He didn’t need someone else getting hurt, not on his watch.

She didn’t respond, and somehow, the air of doubt seemed to be palpable.

“Alright?” he asked for confirmation. Either of her belief or just to know she had heard him and wouldn’t try anything, he wasn’t sure.

“Alright.”

He exhaled anxiously and wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb, his eyes focused out the back window.

“Okay,” echoed Shane one last time, before letting her go and putting the truck back in drive.

That plan lasted all of thirty minutes. Then that piece of shit from Hershel’s farm started smoking and making a tapping sound that Lorraine knew wasn’t good. Based on the way Shane punched the dash, she was right.

She knew it was fucked, but she still waited in the truck for him to look at the engine and confirm it. When he slammed the hood and beckoned for her to get out, she grabbed her backpack.

“What now?” asked Lorraine. He ran a hand over his face, stopping it over his mouth.

“We find another ride,” he grumbled, throwing his hand up. “Piece’a shit.”

They gathered what little they had on them and started down the road. It must have been all day they walked like that, in search of the highway. Shane scanned their surroundings constantly and each of his steps was two of hers. It was farther than it seemed on the map and by the cold evening, Lorraine was exhausted.

“Can we stop?”

“No.”

“Shane, please,” she said breathlessly. “We’ve been walking for hours.”

He stopped and let out a mean laugh. She thought of him in her kitchen, but that was an entirely different man than the one before her now. Shane turned to her where she lagged a bit behind.

“What, you want a foot rub?” he asked, getting in her face. “Maybe a water bottle from the cooler, how’s that sound?”

“Fuck you.” Her voice sounded tired.

“Or how about you make yourself a sandwich, honey, and I’ll drive.”

She said nothing.

“What don’t you get, Lorraine? If we don’t move, we die. If we don’t find a car or food, we die. You think I’m not tired? You think I’m havin’ a good time?”

He was right, of course. They only had so long to have nothing and then shit would get serious. Still, she didn’t know how much longer she could go for. Lorraine swallowed hard, her saliva thick in her mouth.

“I get it,” she said tersely. “We’ll keep going.”

With that, she moved around him to keep going. He watched her as she made her way ahead and sighed. She had this way about her, it made him feel guilty for even trying to be firm with her.

“Lorraine—“

She continued ahead, not looking back at him. Her feet ached with every step, but she was done giving him reasons to talk down to her. Once he got back in stride with her, they didn’t speak again. Soon, it was so dark they couldn’t even see the map in front of them, making it useless.

Clouds covered the moon so they stayed on the road as long as they could feel it under their feet. Lorraine’s exhaustion had only grown and Shane’s was finally starting to show.

When they couldn’t go anymore, they made camp in the woods. With their ammo low, Shane didn’t see the sense in making a fire that would only attract trouble. But when he heard the chattering teeth next to him, he understood he couldn’t let Lorraine go cold.

It was small and it barely lit up their faces, but he was satisfied that she was able to warm her hands at least.

“Warm enough?”

Lorraine nodded, holding her hands dangerously close to the embers. She barely looked at him and it messed with his head something awful.

“Look, I’m just tryin’ to keep you alive.”

“Is that what it is?” she murmured. This made him bristle.

“Yeah, that’s what it is,” said Shane sharply. “I’ve been tryin’ to keep us all alive, but push comes to shove and everyone scatters like roaches.”

Lorraine glanced up at him, but he wasn’t looking at her anymore. His gaze was trained on the trees.

“How long do you think it’ll take to get to Fort Benning?” she asked. Shane took it as a good sign, that she had come to terms with the situation.

“About an hour and a half, if we follow the highway. Without a car, though…” he shook his head. “You’re lookin’ at a day, and that’s if we keep a steady pace.”

Lorraine’s shoulders visibly sagged. Just this first day of walking had taken its toll on her.

“We have to find some food, kill something at least.”

“With what? We need the ammo to protect ourselves and I know you ain’t gonna hit anything on the first try.”

Despite herself, she snickered. He glanced up at her and smiled a bit.

“You’re such an asshole,” she said, starting to laugh. He ran a hand over the back of his head and chuckled.

“What, am I wrong?”

She shook her head.

“No, that’s why Jade always did the hunting.” At the mention of her friend, Lorraine got silent again. Of course, Shane noticed.

“I’m sure she’s just fine.”

“That’s what Rick said about that little girl and she was dead the whole time.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just unholstered his gun and set it in the leaves next to him.

“‘Oughta get yourself some shut-eye, I’ll take the first watch.”

She wiped at her cheek absentmindedly.

“You sure?” It was just a courtesy ask, she was ready to sleep. He laughed quietly.

“Better lay down, before I change my mind.”

With that, she got her backpack and put it down to use as a pillow. As soon as her head hit it, she was out. The cold kept sneaking into her dreams and under her clothes. At some point, she huddled close to Shane. Or maybe he had moved closer first, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that by the morning, she could feel his steady breathing against her hair and his arm under her head.

And—

“Shane,” she whispered to him. He didn’t move. “Shane, could you get your dick off me, please.”

That made him stir a bit.

“How come, not like you’re strangers?” he muttered, making her sit up. There were leaves in her hair, which she tried to pick out.

“What happened to keeping watch?”

“You looked cold.”

She rolled her eyes. After a silent washing up, which Lorraine left no room for argument on, they began walking again.

It was midafternoon when she caught sight of something on the side of the road.

“Shane…” she said, pointing. “Look!”

It was a mailbox, a sign of life, or at least where a life used to be. Shane readied his gun as Lorraine started walking with more energy than she’d had since the day prior. He put his arm out to stop her.

“Slow down,” warned the man. “We don’t know what we’re dealing with here.”

“Shelter possibly, food if we’re lucky.”

“Walkers, Lorraine. Or worse, people.”

She grabbed her own gun and checked the rounds. Four shots.

“What’s the plan?”

“We stay in the trees, I’ll get in closer to see what we’re in for.” He turned to her for a moment, holding his finger up for emphasis. “You wait for my signal, y’hear?”

She gave a nod.

They entered the thick brush that surrounded the dirt road next to the mailbox. Lorraine kept her eyes peeled for anything that might have been a threat, but all she saw was the sweet reprieve of an old, white house a few yards into the trees.

Her heart pounded in anticipation as she eyed the neighboring carport and vehicle tucked under it. Shane stopped her when they got close and moved forward in a crouched position to look in the windows.

He didn’t seem to see anything, or be seen. One perimeter walk later and he was trying the back door. Lorraine walked through the trees until she could see him again. At that moment, a walker stumbled closer to him from the other side.

She expected Shane to get it, but he was in the middle of trying pry the door open and didn’t hear.

An alarm went off in Lorraine’s head and she marched forward to kill the thing with the large knife she had. She grunted when the blade sunk into the walker’s rotten skull, before it fell to the ground in a heap.

Shane turned over his shoulder with a scowl.

“The hell did I tell you?”

“Whatever, I just saved your life.” He scoffed and popped the door open. Once they had cleared the small house, they were relieved to find that the only inhabitants were a couple of walkers.

Lorraine ransacked the cabinets for anything to fill her empty stomach and found several cans of vegetables.

“Anything good?” Shane asked from where he looked through the closet for anything useful.

“Water chestnuts,” she grimaced. “Crackers. Peaches. You?”

The sound of a rifle pumping got her attention.

“Oh, yeah.” Shane studied the thing before going on another search. Lorraine moved to the bathroom. Toothbrushes, toothpaste, prescription meds. All expired but she didn’t mind much.

Once they had cleaned the place out, they set everything out on the table and took inventory.

“This was a good find,” said Shane, setting his bag down. “We’ll stay tonight, I’ll take a look at that car. Soon as I fix it up, we’re on the road.”

Lorraine nodded and began rifling through the drawers for a can opener.

“You think you can fix it?”

“Don’t like the doubt in your voice.”

“Never mind, honey, I believe in you.”

After that, Shane disappeared for a while, messing with the car and knocking down the mailbox. The last thing they needed was someone wandering in like they had. Lorraine wasn’t sure what to do so she plated the vegetables the best she could without a working stove.

“God, I miss microwaves,” she grumbled as they ate dinner in the dark. He chuckled. “And I hate cold green beans.”

Shane shook his head.

“Nah, all that time on the farm spoiled you, got you used to luxuries again.”

She nudged his boot with her own under the table.

“Back in Atlanta, at the quarry, we survived on all kinds of rowdy shit,” he said, pushing the cold canned chicken around with a knife. “Squirrels and mushrooms. Possums.”

Lorraine wrinkled her nose.

“Possum is gross.”

“Tastes like chicken.” He nudged her boot right back, their knees touching and not moving. “Ever had barbecued squirrel? Charred it right up ‘til it was tender.”

Lorraine kicked at his ankle gently. He kicked right back.

“Ew, Shane.”

When they finished eating, Lorraine made sure they washed up the best they could before bed. With him keeping watch in the living room and her in the bedroom, she felt the loss of his presence that she had grown used to over the last two days. Best not to dwell on it.

From that point, they never did make it to Fort Benning. He worked on the car the best he could, but he always needed another part, which he’d scavenge on runs to the nearby market they’d found their third day. Plenty of cars had been abandoned there, but that wasn’t the only good thing.

There was food, soap, clothes. They’d about cleaned it out by the second month. Lorraine found all kinds of ways to prepare canned foods and once she made use of the dusty old fireplace, they ate good every night.

They washed each other’s clothes, washed each other’s hair, and slept in the same bed on occasion. The fighting had settled to a minimum, except when Shane asked her to help with the car and they’d just end up bickering about how she held the flashlight.

After about eight months of this, the need to be together had grown into a full fledged dependency. When Shane got into his head about how he’d left things with Rick and Lori, she was there. There to tell him he was wrong, but that things would be different as long as he was. That they could fix it if they ever saw each other again.

He had lost hope that he ever would, his priorities now were her and how far they could get together.

Once, while under him in the old bed, she thought about saying she loved him. Just to say it, really, she wasn’t sure she would mean it if she did. Part of her was convinced he would say it back. He held her like he might.

As the winter turned into spring and then the early parts of summer, Jade crept into her mind again.

While the life she’d built here was nice, she couldn’t ever truly be at peace until she learned the fate of her friend. If they had gone to Fort Benning, it would have been easier. But they were still so close to where the farm had been, which meant that there was still a possibility of her being nearby. So after Shane had fallen asleep beside her in the bed, she started packing.

Her bag was stuffed and her gun was loaded, a note left on the bed next to him. She knew she should have told him to his face, but that would have just been another argument. Tears flowed down her cheeks the whole time, which she told herself was simply the fear of the unknown. She had to get out of there, she just had to do it and not think. Thinking would make her stay. Shane would make her stay.

She was packing a few extra peach cans to bring when she heard his heavy footsteps marching into the kitchen.

Lorraine whipped around to see him holding the note. His eyes looked angry and confused, like a rabid dog. It felt as though someone had put a cold hand on the back of her neck.

“The hell is this?”

She studied him for a moment, her dark eyes on his. Then she forced herself to resume her packing.

“It’s a note.”

“Girl, don’t you talk to me like I’m stupid. I’m not one of your little college boyfriends.”

She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

“Jade is long gone by now, if she’s even alive. I don’t understand this need you have to try and get killed, too.”

Lorraine dropped her bag on the table and opened the cabinets.

“I’m leaving you half,” she sniffled, pointing at the leftover cans and vitamins. “You take your vitamins, okay? Every day or else they’re just about useless.”

Shane ignored her.

“And a damn note?” he scoffed, like he just couldn’t believe that she would do this. Probably because she wouldn’t. The part of her that wanted to find Jade was winning out against the rest of her, though. “After the shit we been through, that’s all you’re gonna give me?”

Lorraine grabbed her jacket, a heavy thing that he’d brought her after a run and fixed the zipper on when it got stuck.

“It’s more than you gave me,” she said quietly, trying to hurt him. At least that way, he might let her leave. Shane nodded and balled up the note, tossing it aside angrily.

“You throwin’ that in my face again?” He crowded up against her, blocking her from leaving. “I think I’ve more than made up for it. Haven’t I taken care of you? Kept you safe, kept you warm in that bed?”

Lorraine’s brows furrowed when he got closer, their breath mingling as tensions rose. His eyes trailed over her frame, scoffing at the loose t-shirt she had slept in.

“Hell, it’s my clothes you’re in half the time.”

Lorraine pushed him back, just to create some distance.

“She’s my friend.”

“Where the hell does that leave me, then?” he spoke gruffly, his gaze intense as he narrowed his eyes at her. “You don’t care what happens to me?”

Her heart pounded in her chest. The only sound that could be heard was the creaking of the floorboards under their boots and the trees rustling outside.

“You can come with me,” she began, her tone not faltering despite the way he laughed in her face. She went to cup his cheek. “We’ll stay together, I promise.”

“I tried to kill Rick.” That shut her up pretty quick. Her hand lowered to his shoulder. “That night the farm got overrun, I shot at him. Shot to kill him and I would have, but Carl came runnin’ up and I—“

Lorraine searched his face and found nothing but regret.

“Shane…”

“Even if we find them, they’re not just gonna roll out the welcome mat for me.”

“I will talk to them,” she reassured him. “Rick is a good man, he can be reasoned with.”

Shane took a step back and rubbed the back of his head anxiously. She let her arm fall to her side.

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he? Best man I know.”

“You can’t do this now.” Lorraine said firmly. “You can’t do the self-pity thing. If splitting up sounds that bad to you, then we won’t. But I can’t sit here another minute knowing Jade is out there.”

If Shane was being honest with himself, he couldn’t either. Over these last few months, the thought of never making things right with Rick had eaten away at him. Lorraine leaving had been the last straw.

“They could be anywhere.”

“Then we don’t have to start looking far.” He leaned up against the counter, taking a good look at the small house one last time. He knew she’d find a way to drag him along, and he knew he’d find a reason to stay with her. “Lori’s pregnant, and probably almost due. She’s bound to have slowed down by now.”

He was quiet enough that she could hear the pounding of her heart radiating all throughout. In the floor, in the walls.

“Shane. Please.” He ran a hand ran over the beard he’d grown during their time here. Straightening, he made his way back to the room.

“Let me get my shit together, at least.”

Her heart soared, but she didn’t dare make it obvious. They took the rest of the food and the guns, and left the house for the last time. Shane led her to the car.

“It’s a lost cause,” she said in the darkness. The old Pontiac hadn’t moved in the time they’d been here and Shane hadn’t worked on it in weeks. He didn’t say anything, but Lorraine suspected he had given up.

He opened up the back door and tossed his things inside.

“It’s been fixed for about a month now.” She felt a small surge of hope.

“What?” Her voice showed it. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Shane was quiet as he lugged a heavy toolbox into the car. The vehicle bounced a bit under the force he set it in with. He stood and rested his arms on the roof with a sigh.

“Just wanted to hold onto this a little longer, I guess.”

His expression suggested that he didn’t want to admit this, that it was shameful somehow. Shameful to want the comfort they’d found in each other. Lorraine’s cheeks flushed and she glanced back at the house. They could pretend this never happened, go back inside and crawl into bed.

They could play house for the foreseeable future. At one point, a long time ago, that had been all she wanted. But things changed, so had she. There were different priorities now, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be one. Another look at him and she knew she didn’t want to be apart again.

“C’mon,” he beckoned her. “Gimme your stuff.”

Lorraine approached the car, her gait purposeful. She handed him her duffel bag and watched it disappear when he shut the door. The moonlight illuminated his form, casting deep shadows across his face. They stood before each other for a moment when he spoke.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again.” She screwed her lips to the side, her cheeks burning with shame.

“I won’t.”

“I mean it, Lorraine, I’ll throw you over my shoulder if I have to.”

There was a beat of silence before she nodded. Shane huffed out a laugh and it drew a smile out of her too. All the fighting seemed so foolish now that they had agreed to stick together.

“So this is your way of getting me back, I guess,” he muttered. “Making me do the chasing now?”

Lorraine shook her head. That sounded exhausting.

“No. No, I don’t wanna run anymore.” His eyes softened just a bit before he looked away, back to scanning the trees now that they had no walls around.

“Then don’t.”

The pause then was awkward because neither of them knew how to go about this. It had always been physical and it had always ended before it became anything more. But now he was brushing her hair aside and leaning her back against the car, kissing her like he was trying to show something he couldn’t voice.

She got the message. For once it felt real.

The sound of a walker growling from the woods pulled them apart and they watched it exit the trees. The thing staggered toward them slowly, losing its footing every other step. Shane opened the passenger side door, keeping his eyes on it.

“Let’s go.”

The car started like it was clearing its throat for the first time in years. They were out of there without much effort, their hands interlinked over the center console.

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