eclipsewx

[eclipsewx]

the cruelty of "i love you. but i love myself too."

[eclipsewx]

it was her first day eating at a restaurant, my mother. she's 47.

Her eyes- when we entered, the smile on her face when she sat down, her hands which moved as she pulled the chair out to sit, the pupil in her beautiful eyes which weren't settling as the place felt so unfamiliar, more like a dream to her. the wrinkles on her hands, when i asked her to pour me water into my glass 'cause my hands were oily- so were hers btw but i love the thot of literally anything being handed over by her.

i was with a friend, talking all the time, and she sat there listening to us, maybe thinking about her life, or how she hadn't made my siblings dinner before coming, or maybe she was thinking about her life altogether. There, i saw the love of a mother- again, or should i say, selflessness?

even if she was there, admiring the freedom she was feeling at that very moment, or maybe living a minute part of the life she wanted, her kids were there to fill up her mind w worry.

after we came home, she didn't say anything, but i could tell, she was doubting herself, wondering if she deserved that time to herself. Then and there, from her self-questioning about living those few hours w/o putting others' needs before her own, i knew, she was thinking about her own happiness- and just knowing that she had considered her own joy, however fleeting, filled me with happiness too.

this time, it wasn't me who took her out to dinner, but I would give the world to give her that experience again.

[eclipsewx]

last night, i texted a friend but hesitated. we've always had a diff type of bond depending on the phase of life we were in, it's always those late nights texts which you end up regretting after waking up lmao. and i hesitated that will i get a chill reply giving that we're now in the low maintenance friendship (which i love- btw, life gets busy. but she mah bitch) or will i be able to get the convo i wanted out of her. i hesitated. out of the thousands times when i held back i didn't this time and texted her. she replied and w talked about it and i adore her.